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TRIGGERS! 624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
19th Mar '13

Please, read the entire post if you're going to comment and yes, it IS long. Rape, child porn, suicide triggers before you continue.



My father and I had a very strained relationship while growing up. I often heard from my mother that my father never wanted me from the start. I was told from a very young age that my father wanted my mother to have an abortion and even went as far as questioning whether or not I was his. I knew that my father was severely physically abused as a child because that was often thrown up when I'd question why my father wouldn't spend time with me. I was often told that he didn't know how to be a father because he didn't have a father. I struggled with not having a close relationship with my father for years. It seemed from my lack of understanding (childhood and teenage years), his lack of pushing to be there, and everyone in my ear about my father seemed to drive us apart even further.



I'll skip a lot of details because I don't feel like writing a novel about my childhood and shitty relationship with my father, but things were bad. When I was about 12 years old my step mother told me that she didn't trust my father around my friends because she found "kiddie porn" on his computer. After I heard that I became paranoid. My father worked on computers a lot, loved technology, so I some how got it in my head that maybe my father had cameras in the house and was watching me. I had just moved in with them at that time, he only had weekend visitation prior, so it made the adjustment even harder.



I never once brought it up to my father, I was too scared even though he never showed signs of sexual feelings towards me or my friends. My father never put his hands on me, never made sexual comments to me, and was very respectful when I was in my room. He'd always knock first, ask if I was decent, and come in after I told him I was. But, I still had that fear.



Fast forward a bit, my father committed suicide on Thanksgiving of 2008. My step mother left, had been cheating on him for close to a year. At that time I felt it was a mixture of things. Her leaving, DH and I were about to move out of state, and I had just got in contact with my half brother (his son) who we had not seen in close to 13 years.



When I found my brother, on MySpace, and met up with him I found out a lot of details about his lack of knowledge of our father. His mother told him that my father was a 1 night stand and that he was a dead beat. But, what actually happened was she met a new man, told my father he was dead to them, and left the state. My father paid child support, but never pushed to see his son because he didn't want to cause issues with the mother. His brother, my brother's brother, knew about my father and was told to never mention him again. My brother finally met our father, that he could recall since they left when he was 3, was while our father was in his casket.



Now a few months ago I went back to my home state to visit my family and my uncle and I began talking about my father and my mother. I voiced my feelings, I said that I know my parents loved me and cared about me, but I know that they were not ready for child, and I know that my father did not want children. That is when my uncle dropped a bomb on me. He told me that my father and him were both sexually abused as children by their uncle.



It was something that my father didn't want me to know and my uncle begged and pleaded with me to not look at him any differently. Which I did not, but it opened my eyes and all of these memories began flooding back to me. Ways that they both interacted with me while growing up, things my father said and did, how when I went through puberty my uncle would hug me awkwardly (he comes down and keeps space so he does not touch my breasts), and how awkward they were around children...they just didn't really interact with them. And...of course, the "kiddie porn" that I heard about as a child.



I figured since my uncle and I were opening up about things that I would ask. I stated beforehand that if it's true I'm not going to judge my father, but I just want to know the truth. I, as someone who has been raped, have rape fantasies. (I was not raped by a family member). I felt really weird about it and I couldn't understand it, but through reading I found out that it's pretty common for rape victims (survivors, whatever your preference) to have rape fantasies. It is a way of coping with rape, and bringing it into a more controlled situation as it is not actually rape.



So this is what this entire thread is really about...



My thought process was, considering that I have rape fantasies and they commonly stem from being raped and coping, is it odd to think that someone who was sexually abused as a child would look at child porn? I am not condoning such behavior at all, but I'm trying to understand it. Is this illogical for me to think this way?



As it turns out, my father was not looking at child porn. My uncle said that what my step mother found was younger women than her in sexy lingerie, and it was only pictures, not penetration in them either. My SM told my uncle about my father looking at the "kiddie porn" years ago, my uncle approached my father about it, and my father gave him free range of the computer...to snoop and understand that it wasn't child porn. After that, that is when they both opened up to each other about the abuse that they endured as children.



Thoughts?

ElleBelle (35 weeks) Due September 22; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Rio Rancho, NM, United States 22182 posts
19th Mar '13

It is a very interesting thought. But I think rape fantasies by someone who was rape is very different than a sexual abuse victim looking at child porn... I don't even have a good reason why.

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
19th Mar '13
Quoting Elliot Grace's Mama:" It is a very interesting thought. But I think rape fantasies by someone who was rape is very different than a sexual abuse victim looking at child porn... I don't even have a good reason why."


I know, I haven't really thought about it much or read into it, but it was the first thought that came to mind. Again, not condoning it just as I do not condone rape, yet have rape fantasies. My brain is all whacked out, lol.

Brookie99 1 child; Fort McMurray, Alberta 1126 posts
19th Mar '13

Here I was thinking there was something severely wrong with me for having rape fantasies after what happened to me... Its nice to know that it isn't totally screwed up and weird and that Im not the only one...

Onalee's Mummy Due August 26 (boy); 1 child; Newcastle, Australia 5355 posts
19th Mar '13

Do it wasn't actually kiddie porn? Did he and your step mum have a good relationship. I don't understand why she would tell his 12 year old daughter that (true or not) sounds like she had some issues too

lolajessup 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44070 posts
19th Mar '13

I can see what you are saying and I could definitely see that happening. I was sexually abused (luckily never fully raped) but I also have rape fantasies and it is much different with someone you trust in a controlled environment. I can see how someone who was raped as a child or molested would look at kiddie porn. Not that they want to rape a child or have any interest in touching Children themselves but just because of their past maybe it makes them feel less alone in what happened to them? It's hard to know how that feels unless you've been there I guess. Just like many people think I'm strange for rape fantasies but obviously you understand but not everyone does. Not even all rape victims understand because not all have the fantasies. I'm glad it wasn't kiddie porn, but having a younger woman fantasy could be part of it too.

Onalee's Mummy Due August 26 (boy); 1 child; Newcastle, Australia 5355 posts
19th Mar '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" Here I was thinking there was something severely wrong with me for having rape fantasies after what happened ... [snip!] ... after what happened to me... Its nice to know that it isn't totally screwed up and weird and that Im not the only one..."</blockquote>




Same! I never knew it was normal to think that way about it sometimes..

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
19th Mar '13
Quoting Onalee's Mummy:" Do it wasn't actually kiddie porn? Did he and your step mum have a good relationship. I don't understand ... [snip!] ... I don't understand why she would tell his 12 year old daughter that (true or not) sounds like she had some issues too"


Without going into too much detail since I'm about to eat, yes. She had issues. I was told a lot of things that no child should ever be told from numerous family members. They're relationship was not ideal or healthy in anyway shape or form. I believe that she had jealousy issues of my father and I. Whenever we'd work towards getting close she'd find a way to cause a rift.

Brookie99 1 child; Fort McMurray, Alberta 1126 posts
19th Mar '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" Here I was thinking there was something severely ... [snip!] ... and that Im not the only one..."</blockquote> Same! I never knew it was normal to think that way about it sometimes.."</blockquote>




Me either. I probably would have found out if I would have went to my counselor more than once but I found that talking to SO about it made me feel way better and helped a lot more than talking to a stranger so I didn't go back. I just always thought there was something wrong with me for thinking about it in that way.

CJKB+JMB=AMB 1 child; Watertown, New York 2525 posts
19th Mar '13

I have never heard of that, fantasizing about rape as a coping method... If what you say is true, then I think it would make sense that someone would do the same in the case of child molesting. I think its sick to fantasize about it and especially watch it! But if its true that rape victims do it,I guess it makes sense that someone who was molested as a child might do it to.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you though...

lolajessup 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44070 posts
19th Mar '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's Mummy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" ... [snip!] ... to a stranger so I didn't go back. I just always thought there was something wrong with me for thinking about it in that way."</blockquote>




Very normal mama. It helps when you're with someone you trust and know that if you wanted them to stop they would. It took years for me to tell SO how I felt. He thought it was a little strange at first but now he's easing into it a little more. He's afraid of going to far and me being upset but I just can't see that cause I know he'd stop in an instance if I said stop.

☮Sugar Magnolia 1 child; Indiana 18298 posts
19th Mar '13

I think that your theory about the child porn makes sense.



I also think your father's wife sounds like a fucked up woman, and from your OP, he seemed like he tried his best to be a good dad when you lived there.



I hope it kind of helped ease your mind that your father wasn't looking at child porn.

Brookie99 1 child; Fort McMurray, Alberta 1126 posts
19th Mar '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting lolajessup:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's ... [snip!] ... He's afraid of going to far and me being upset but I just can't see that cause I know he'd stop in an instance if I said stop."</blockquote>




That totally makes sense. Its nice to know Im not the only one for sure.

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
19th Mar '13
Quoting ☮Sugar Magnolia:" I think that your theory about the child porn makes sense. I also think your father's wife sounds like ... [snip!] ... to be a good dad when you lived there. I hope it kind of helped ease your mind that your father wasn't looking at child porn."


That is one thing I always admired about my father, he didn't bring me into the adult issues when I was a child. I grew up as an only child and I truly was the only child in my family, well the only one around. No one seemed to censor themselves around me besides him. Which of course then it didn't seem like a big deal, but now being 23 and having a child of my own I value what my father did for me that much more.



And instead of making separate replies, I'm glad that everyone doesn't think I'm bat shit, or at least those who have replied. I'm also glad that I threw out the fact that I do have rape fantasies to let those who have them know they're not alone, or weird. And loljessup, I have to agree. Perhaps, if those who were molested/raped as children, view child pornography as a form of coping so they do so to not feel alone. Between my rape fantasies and the odd things that pop in my head, I fear that if someone went through my browsing history they'd most likely think I'm seriously disturbed. lol

Onalee's Mummy Due August 26 (boy); 1 child; Newcastle, Australia 5355 posts
19th Mar '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting lolajessup:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Brookie99:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Onalee's ... [snip!] ... He's afraid of going to far and me being upset but I just can't see that cause I know he'd stop in an instance if I said stop."</blockquote>




I didn't even know I was until I told my mum I was having strange dreams about it. I was only 4-5 so she didn't think I remembered. I only remembered through dreams. It's hard to figure out what happened and what my mind made up