Emotions Momma Rawks 1 child; Iowa 7175 posts
21st Mar '13

My fiance died by suicide about a year and a half ago.

Today is our son's 4th birthday (as of little over an hour ago). I am so happy for my kiddo--he is completely thrilled and beyond excited. I bought a helium tank last night and after he went to bed, I filled the house with balloons and banners so that when he wakes up, he'll have a great surprise. We're going to get a small cake and go out with his two cousins, eat dinner with some of his grandparents, and then spend the rest of the evening at my mom's playing with Play-Doh. Then on Sunday we're having a huge party (like fifty people--expensive as shit, but I'm trying to compensate).

I'm happy, really. I am really excited for my son's birthday and his birthday party this weekend. Excited to see him blow out the candles, get presents, spend time with family and friends, and just watch him smile and laugh.

But his dad should be here. I just feel mad that he isn't, that he can't be. I'm not mad at him for what he has done, because I understand it. His depression became too much. He is the most selfless person, loving and kind. I don't blame him, I don't hate him; I just hate his absence. I hate that this happened. I hate that my son doesn't get to spend his birthdays with his daddy, or any other day for that matter.

Holidays and certain dates just make the void that much more solid. After this weekend, things will be back to normal. Life will go on, because it just does. But until them, I'm in a funk. Sad, mad, happy, excited, empty... everything.


♥MOBAS♥ 2 kids; 1 angel baby; California 7198 posts
status 21st Mar '13

:( I am sorry.

Rette Mich 1 child; Texas 27603 posts
21st Mar '13

Im so very sorry for yall's loss. But I do wish your LO a very happy Birthday!

1 child; Houston, Texas 850 posts
21st Mar '13

I'm so sorry =/ Keep your head up and Happy Bday to your baby boy ♥

DeanJade&Mak's Mom 3 kids; Covina, CA, United States 8822 posts
21st Mar '13

My ex fianc

I'm me 4 kids; Kentucky 3109 posts
21st Mar '13

Happy birthday to the little man!!!! I hope your funk doesn't last long and you can find happiness again soon!