I have friend who's daughter die and this is hard for her as well. She doesn't want to pretend she never had her other daughter but does want to explain it to everyone either.
Try saying I've had two children or one in heaven and one on earth.
<blockquote><b>Quoting she nan igans:</b>" I don't think I'd count children who had passed away personally. It just ins't everyones business, so ... [snip!] ... if it's really upsetting you, I think maybe you want to look into talking to someone? Maybe help you better cope with it?"</blockquote>
So, if one of your kids died and then you were asked how many you have you wouldn't have hesitation about your answer and feel like it was wrong to pretend the baby you held in your arms and watched die didn't exist?
Personally I wouldn't count a miscarriage in how many children I have. I lost a pregnancy and I have never mentioned it as my child because in my eyes it wasnt here on earth with me and wasnt even formed to the point of viability . If anyone asks i will gladly tell them about it, but I have three children.... Not four. Im 18 weeks now and if I lost the baby tomorrow I still wouldn't say I have four kids, because I dont. If i gave birth and my child passed away later i would probably still count them, though.
Truly, its what you believe and what you are comfortable with. If you feel in your heart that you have two children, tell people so.
Quoting she nan igans:" I don't think I'd count children who had passed away personally. It just ins't everyones business, so ... [snip!] ... if it's really upsetting you, I think maybe you want to look into talking to someone? Maybe help you better cope with it?"
That's exactly it, I don't point it out to be a conversation starter. I just answer the question of how many kids I have & I have two. It bothers me that I need to exclude one because I want to avoid an unnecessary reaction from people who think that because I brought it up, I want to have a whole therapy session about it. It does hurt me daily, but I don't want to go around having everyone be Dr. Phil for me.
Quoting LEGENDARY JAS ♥:" People being curious is small. Its going to happen, people are nosy. She should not let that bother her to the point that it does."
You're making the loss of a child so... germane. Of course it's going to bother her. She's human. I don't think I could go on living if I lost one of my kids, let alone, not be bothered by questions that remind me of my loss..... :?
Quoting Asher and Haddie's Mommy:" I've never lost a child... but if I had, I wouldn't think that any amount of counseling would make the ... [snip!] ... my life, but I would be sad every time I had to answer that question. Even though it's a totally normal question to be asked. "
!!! The pain of losing a child never leaves!
Quoting Vindictive:" Have you lost a child before? Have you been in the position of having to answer those questions? It's ... [snip!] ... wrong with suggesting counseling. I think it was poor on your part to tell her she's getting upset over something "so small"."
*shrugs* Yes, actually I have.
If someone asking her about a child that she mentioned bothers her THAT much, then yes. She needs counseling because something like that should not get her to that point. My point is that she obviously needs further healing. Maybe my "so small" comment was offensive but I still stick to it. OP gets upset when people relate to her situation. :? Does that sound healthy?
If someone tells me that they lost a child, I'm not going to be "Oh ok, well ANYWAY!" Come on.
Honestly, when people ask "how many kids do you have" I think of the ones I actually "have". If I had a late loss, or a child that was already born and passed due to illness or some other reason, I honestly would not mention it. Simply because I don't feel I need or should explain that to some random person. If I was asked "how many children I've had", that is totally different, and yes I would mention my loss. Like at a doctor's office. The nurses ask how many pregnancies I've "had". That would be 3. I m/c'd one and delivered twice.
Sorry for your loss OP.
And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old.
OP, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, if your child entered the world [i.e. was born and then passed away as opposed to a miscarriage] I would just say you have two kids.
Quoting Asher and Haddie's Mommy:" You're making the loss of a child so... germane. Of course it's going to bother her. She's human. I ... [snip!] ... think I could go on living if I lost one of my kids, let alone, not be bothered by questions that remind me of my loss..... :?"
Oh please. Shut up. I'm not making it anything. You're choosing the way you want to take my posts. I'm pretty well known around here, I'm pretty sure people who don't even know me well could vouch for me when I say that I am not trying to disregard this girl's feelings. Don't go there with me.
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I hate this question. I have two children, but only one of them is here with me on earth. The other was ... [snip!] ... instead of asking about my living daughter or just proceeding with the conversation. >.< Does this bother anyone else?"
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old. "
I would never count my miscarriages as how many children I have because I never had that child...
Quoting LEGENDARY JAS ♥:" *shrugs* Yes, actually I have. If someone asking her about a child that she mentioned bothers her ... [snip!] ... :? Does that sound healthy? If someone tells me that they lost a child, I'm not going to be "Oh ok, well ANYWAY!" Come on."
I would hope that you wouldn't dwell on it, though.
You've never ran into someone that wants to spill their guts about their fertility problems, losses, pain.. because you mentioned having lost a child? That's what I mean by tact. I would NEVER be like, "Oh yeah? My daughter died, too. I know exactly how you feel".. when someone tells me they lost their baby/child. Never. Because that is the last thing they want to hear. They want an, "I'm so sorry".. and for that to be the end of it.
But people don't do that. People dwell on it. They small talk it. It's annoying as f**k and I understand OP being upset over it. It isn't "so small" when it's fresh, and when you're getting that every where you go. I did for a looong time until I realized I wasn't shitting on my daughter by not including her or telling her story to strangers.
At the same time.. I wouldn't (and don't) mention my miscarriages to anyone. I guess I assumed OP had lost a baby further along. My bad.
well my sister past away and ppl how many sibling i have i count her but i say 1 passed away that does leave myself open for questioning but i cant not count her just because ppl r gonna ask how when and more. i just think bad things happen and its sad but its truth n hey you dont have to hide ur hurt imo talking about it helps