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Amelia [a Mom] 1 child; 4 angel babies; Tallahassee, Florida 16595 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" And just to clarify, I lost my baby at 10 weeks. He/She was barely an inch long when I gave birth and yes, I count him/her just as much as I do my 17 month old. "


That would make me lose my mind.

Big D! Due October 7 (boy); 1 child; Escondido, California 9518 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" Exactly. I don't want to put down her feelings, but first trimester miscarriages are common. They ... [snip!] ... her to this extent, and if it does.. I think she needs to seek assistance in grieving properly for the loss of a pregnancy. "

I agree completely.

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46876 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting P Pickle Pants:" <blockquote><b>Quoting MunchkinWrangler:</b>" Exactly. I don't want to put down ... [snip!] ... my miscarriages in random conversations with strangers, but you're also saying some things that are really far of base too."


I'm talking about first trimester miscarriages. That does not pertain to you or Vindictive, does it? You knew that, because I'm assuming you can read. No, a 23 weeker was not viable without major intervention, but their major organs are fully developed... they COULD possibly survive outside the womb. They resemble, quite easily, a baby... they breathe, they move all of their limbs. Nowhere was this suggesting stillbirth as being something that is just simply something we should be able to grieve about easily. This is an early miscarriage. Something MANY women face, and many times more than once. I don't think any mother goes into pregnancy (unless knowledgeably high risk) and expects to lose a baby at 23 weeks, or at term. Miscarriage before 12 weeks is something pretty much every mother worries about, and for many it is something they expect.



As I said, multiple times, I am not trying to put down her feelings, but really a first trimester miscarriage shouldn't be haunting her this much to the point that she can't even accept someone showing sympathy for her situation. Since it is, I think it may be necessary to talk to someone and figure out the root of it so she can move on in her life. She can't simply stay in this rut of sadness. I think we all know that. We have to live our lives.

Lyssa Ashley 1 child; Sanford, Maine 139 posts
3rd Apr '13

I'm more bothered by the fact that the conversation completely changes or goes off topic for a good 20 minutes (that isn't needed/wanted) instead of it being acknowledged and maybe if they feel the need to relate or something then a quick response & proceed back to the main conversation.. but it NEVER goes that way. People think I'm trying to pour my heart out and find some peace in what they say, but in reality, I've heard almost everything they've said and I don't even want to have a discussion about it. You asked, I answered.



I understand that first term miscarriages are very common, but that doesn't mean that the living being that spent its entire life living in me isn't my child. It is, and always will be, and I will always count them as one. That's just my POV.



I swear I don't need therapy, I just don't understand why some things are taboo and why I need to omit my child from a conversation that I can include my other child in. I don't sit there and dwell on this for hours, a conversation like this occurred today and I wanted the opinions of other parents that may feel the same way as me. I don't get hurt by people talking about it excessively, I just don't like it. It bugs me is all.

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 30620 posts
status 3rd Apr '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" Oh good lord. That's just horrible. I'm so sorry. I am paranoid enough about having my kids at daycare, ... [snip!] ... my kids at daycare, now I'm just mortified. Did they not know how to do the Heimlich properly? Was no one paying attention? "


No one was paying attention. I don't have all of the details (too soon to ask yknow?) But I do know that it is run by the state and that he had been left for awhile before they called the paramedics. Supposedly they got him onto a ventilator but he died a few hours later at the hospital. I'm dying to know the full story.. but I refuse to pry. I know they don't have the money to seek legal help so I'm scraping up whatever I can to help, if they choose to go that route.

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 30620 posts
status 3rd Apr '13
Quoting P Pickle Pants:" <blockquote><b>Quoting MunchkinWrangler:</b>" Exactly. I don't want to put down ... [snip!] ... my miscarriages in random conversations with strangers, but you're also saying some things that are really far of base too."


Fully developed fetus. Uggh. :(

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I'm more bothered by the fact that the conversation completely changes or goes off topic for a good 20 ... [snip!] ... may feel the same way as me. I don't get hurt by people talking about it excessively, I just don't like it. It bugs me is all. "


Then you need to tell them you don't wish to discuss it. You just can't have it both ways. If you mention it, people will likely ask. You can then tell them you don't really want to talk about it, but thank you for the concern. That should end the conversation.



People sometimes think that continuing to answer questions is a sign you want to talk about it. If it's happening this much then I'd guess the way you answer makes it seem like you want to talk. I'm not being mean at all, I'm saying that if so many people are having HUGE long conversations, then the best way may be to tell them you appreciate the concern but aren't really in the mood to talk about it right then.

Big D! Due October 7 (boy); 1 child; Escondido, California 9518 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I'm more bothered by the fact that the conversation completely changes or goes off topic for a good 20 ... [snip!] ... may feel the same way as me. I don't get hurt by people talking about it excessively, I just don't like it. It bugs me is all. "

Just change the subject back then. People will always say something if you mention it.

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46876 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I'm more bothered by the fact that the conversation completely changes or goes off topic for a good 20 ... [snip!] ... may feel the same way as me. I don't get hurt by people talking about it excessively, I just don't like it. It bugs me is all. "


I'm not sure what you want anyone to tell you, then?
In all honesty, if you say you have two children and one passed away, many are going to think you had a stillbirth or a child that passed away. Of course they are going to ask, or express sympathy. What do you want them to do, shrug and walk away?



No one is telling you whether or not to include your miscarriage as a child. You are the only one questioning whether or not to include them. I think this is why it seems that you need a bit of help with your feelings, because honestly... why is it so difficult to say you have two children if that is what you believe? If they start asking questions that you don't want to answer or start a conversation about your miscarriage can you not tell them that you'd simply rather not talk about it?

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 30620 posts
status 3rd Apr '13
Quoting Lyssa Ashley:" I'm more bothered by the fact that the conversation completely changes or goes off topic for a good 20 ... [snip!] ... may feel the same way as me. I don't get hurt by people talking about it excessively, I just don't like it. It bugs me is all. "


Honestly, I think you should consider not bringing it up. I weigh whether ot not to bring my daughter up every time I'm asked about my children, and she was a nearly term baby. I'm not trying to put down your miscarriage, because I have eexperienced that too.. but if you're willing to include your loss, you should be mentally prepared to answer the questions that are asked.



I'm sorry. :(

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46876 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting she nan igans:" Then you need to tell them you don't wish to discuss it. You just can't have it both ways. If you mention ... [snip!] ... then the best way may be to tell them you appreciate the concern but aren't really in the mood to talk about it right then."


Personally, if someone mentions an early miscarriage to me it would be reflex to assume they were looking to talk to someone about it. Why else bring it up?

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46876 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Vindictive:" Fully developed fetus. Uggh. :("



I don't even call a baby past the first trimester a "fetus." I've always referred to them as my BABY.

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46876 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting Vindictive:" No one was paying attention. I don't have all of the details (too soon to ask yknow?) But I do know ... [snip!] ... I know they don't have the money to seek legal help so I'm scraping up whatever I can to help, if they choose to go that route."


Yeah, not really something you can ask about. That's just terrible. I hope they choose to seek legal help and investigate. I work at a childcare/preschool and I could never imagine that happening and it not being the fault of one of the teachers.

Vindictive Due July 23; 50 kids; Switzerland 30620 posts
status 3rd Apr '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" I don't even call a baby past the first trimester a "fetus." I've always referred to them as my BABY. "


Oh, me too. They put in my paperwork that I delivered a deceased 22w+ fetus so I always feel bad when I hear it. My own issue.



She was my baby. My sweet sleeping girl. But to the medical world, just another dead fetus. Sigh.

Lyssa Ashley 1 child; Sanford, Maine 139 posts
3rd Apr '13
Quoting she nan igans:" Then you need to tell them you don't wish to discuss it. You just can't have it both ways. If you mention ... [snip!] ... then the best way may be to tell them you appreciate the concern but aren't really in the mood to talk about it right then."


Well, most people either tell me they lost a child too and start to talk about theirs and ask about mine (and I'm not about to blow off someone who does want to talk about their own tragedy), or I have the people who get all nervous and blab on and on and on about everything they know about miscarriages and people they know who've had one, or the people who sit there and tell me just how sorry they were and sometimes attempt to get me to go to church ...



If I try to change the topic they just start talking about how hard it must be to talk about it and then apologize over and over and it's usually brought up near the end of the conversation with another apology. Maybe I just talk to some weird people, but its usually always excessive talk without me even saying anything back to them to keep that particular conversation going.