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1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
10th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting FroggysMommy:</b>" My Mom loves my daughter the most, she outwardly says that she loves her more than her kids and thats fine. I love my daughter the most and no one can ever beat that."</blockquote>




It doesn't bother me either. It makes me happy and proud to know my kids are so loved. I see it as an extension of her love for me. She loves them more than anything even me because I love them more than anything even myself.

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
10th Apr '13
Quoting vivi12:" @lipkin Most men do love their wives more than their children . It is one thing as women will never ... [snip!] ... In the end it is the love between US that last .There is no one else here .Only me and me . Why should i not love him more ? "


In one word... selfishness. You feel you have the right to love your Dh more and why not he has stood by your side through it all? But we love our SOs simply because of what they offer us in return. Love, companionship, support, ect. This is a very selfish kind of love. Had things been different between you and your Dh you would not feel the same way. That is why so many men feel this way because they are by nature more selfish than most women. Our kids on the other hand give us little in return for our love and efforts yet we love them still. It is a selfless love. When you love a man(or woman) you think of what you can gain from them as much as what you can give. When you have a child you think of only what you can give to them. This is why I am not afraid to say I love my kids more or for their father(s) to love them more. If I am truly loved I will not suffer for what my Dh offers to our children in terms of love, time, ect. Because I love them just as much and their joy is my joy. However for DH to love me more that could take way from my kids. If I or he came first my kids would suffer because they could not understand that love, that lost of time, attention, or devotion. They may come to appreciate it in time but they would still have suffered from it in some way or other. In time our kids will grow up and leave and we will be able to devote more of ourselves to each other but that will never stop us from loving our kids more. And quite frankly I would be a shamed of myself if I felt differently.

FroggysMommy 1 child; Golden, Colorado 27754 posts
10th Apr '13
Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" <blockquote><b>Quoting FroggysMommy:</b>" My Mom loves my daughter the most, she outwardly ... [snip!] ... an extension of her love for me. She loves them more than anything even me because I love them more than anything even myself."


Yup. The first time my Mom said that shes all "Sorry but I love Lily more than my own children. I hope you don't get upset at that!" I said "Why would I care, I love her more than you, Jessica (my sister) Dad, anyone else. She will always be loved more." She loves Lily more than her other grandchildren, but they are kind of spawn from demon seed.... lol

Mama Lizzy :] 1 child; Texas 5575 posts
10th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting 1inpink2inblue:</b>" In one word... selfishness. You feel you have the right to love your Dh more and why not he has stood ... [snip!] ... but that will never stop us from loving our kids more. And quite frankly I would be a shamed of myself if I felt differently."</blockquote>



I love the way you worded all of that...I feel the same

Proginoskes II 3 kids; North Carolina 1295 posts
11th Apr '13

I tried to love my ex-husband, and wasted years doing it, lol.
I do love my BF, but like others have said, I love my children differently. I love my BF as a equal, a separate human being from myself, that I choose to spend at least this part of my life with, someone that is my companion. I love my children like they are extensions of myself, because they are literally a part of me. It's like a duality of my love, the maternal love for them, and then the affectionate, sexual love for him. Both are enduring and strong, and neither is 'greater' or 'more' than the other.

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
11th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mama Lizzy :]:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting 1inpink2inblue:</b>" In one word... selfishness. You feel you ... [snip!] ... be a shamed of myself if I felt differently."</blockquote> I love the way you worded all of that...I feel the same"</blockquote>




Idk to me saying you love your so more is the same as saying you love yourself more. Sure we should put our selfs first and are partners first in some aspects but our needs and want should never supperceed those of our children.

user banned Japan 244 posts
11th Apr '13

@linpink
Love may be selfish .As i said earlier when my children move out i suddenly fall in love my hubby all over again.It was a new feeling which i was not aware before.
Why ?
Maybe because i understood from where this all started .Its was me and him and still here i am, it is me and him.My children know i love them unconditionally but their father is my no 1.
Your children will later marry and have their own children .They will love them more than they love you.The only person which you will left with is your husband ( May not be a good reason to loving them more but still ).



I love him selflessly.



I really understand the other moms here though.Actually there is an article in this topic which might be interesting to read.



http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html



Her views are interesting .

user banned Bristol, United Kingdom 4 posts
11th Apr '13

I completely agree with vivi. I love my husband more than my children, and I know that he feels the same way-- we've even talked about it. We both love our boys very much and would do anything for them



But spouses are partners. My husband is an adult. We make decisions together. We support each other emotionally. We are each other's strongest ally, and will remain so until we die, hopefully at ages 84 and 90, at the exact same moment, in each other's arms. We are each other's life partner. I find it difficult to go more than 2 days without that. It is our connection. I cannot bear to contemplate a moment on this Earth without my husband.



Our boys are grown and having families of their own. DH and I are having a great time and our love is stronger than ever. Now throw in those amazing grandsons and life and love good not get any better. Wait until you have grandchildren.....it is like falling in love all over again.
But in the end Who is still here with me ?
My husband .And i couldn't imagine loving anyone more than him:D:D.

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
12th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting vivi12:</b>" @linpink Love may be selfish .As i said earlier when my children move out i suddenly fall in love my ... [snip!] ... to read. http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html Her views are interesting ."</blockquote>




That's an interesting article however I feel it addresses priorities of the relationships more than anything. Of course marriages take more work because like I said before you have to feel your getting something out of them. Thats why its impossible to say its selfless. You might be willing to die for you husband, care for him in his old age but onky because you want the same. But in the end I still feel the same way. If I had loved my x more than my dd we both would have suffered for it. And it would have been srlfish and wrong of me to stay because of what I wsnted rather than what was right for my child. Of course she will grow up have kids of her own and love them more than anything in the world. I will be happy and proud of that fact. In the end I feel the idea you suggest is just a luxury for people who can afford to be selfish in that way. Not necessarily the truth though.

user banned Japan 244 posts
12th Apr '13

@linpink



It was the LOVE between me and him that brought that kids in this world .I loved him first and foremost and this will never change. Too many people forget about their spouses when kids come in play and that is the reason why we have so many divorces.
I hope my children love their spouses more than anyone because in the end they will stick with them not their children.



@ I feel the idea you suggest is just a luxury for people who can afford to be selfish in that way. Not necessarily the truth though.



So you think i am selfish for loving my husband more than my kids. So let me ask you one thing ?
If your children love their spouses more than you then would you call them selfish as well ?
Love is a feeling .You can't control it .I feel more love for my husband and that is the way i feel .
As i said earlier ,Some people loves their spouses more than anything and some people love their children more than anything and neither is wrong.



@ If I had loved my x more than my dd we both would have suffered for it. And it would have been srlfish and wrong of me to stay because of what I wsnted rather than what was right for my child.



I am not even talking about abusive situations . You should choose your kids over everybody in case of abuse or anything .



In the end our kids leave and that is what my above mentioned article convey .
Children want to see their mommy and daddy love each other the most ( that is what i actually wanted my parents to do ) because we leave .
Its our partners with whom we started our lives .Children were just the part of it



To each is own i guess .
But i don't like the way you called me selfish.Just because i feel differently doesn't make me less of a mom or anything .



Your children will not thank you for loving them more than anyone else in this world . Remember that.
If you are christian ,you must know the order of love and priorities
Its
God
husband
kids



So its in the bible as well.



I have nothing more to talk about .




@ You might be willing to die for you husband, care for him in his old age but onky because you want the same
I don't want my husband to die for me .No way . I will do anything to make him live .That is what we do if we LOVE someone .To put them first over everything . Yes i will die for my husband in a heartbeat because i love him and i love him selfless as i said earlier . I care for him and do things for him but i don't expect anything in return for him.
You will not understand . I am with him for 30 years .
If you love your husband selfishly then its not going to last much . You must be selfless . That is what relationship and love is all about .To put each other first .



Thank you

callme_algae Delray Beach, Florida 4 posts
12th Apr '13

I love my husband more than my LO. Don't get me wrong, I would lay down my life for my LO and I adore him. But my husband is my best friend, my intellectual sparring partner, my preferred recreational companion, the one who makes me laugh, and the wonderful father to my son. Even when I don't "feel in love" with him and wonder about being on the other side, I still love him in that I remain committed to work through whatever we're going through to fall back in love.
I do find this talk about "choosing your husband over your child" perplexing. DH and I understand that small children have demanding needs and we are obligated to raise him the best we can. So for a time LO will have his needs met over each others' when it's necessary. Fulfilling a child's needs is not necessarily tied to the love you have for your spouse.
I feel like if I'm ever in a situation where I need to choose one over the other, something is terribly, unusually wrong.
What you have with your DH sounds beautiful, OP, and I hope that we will be there in 25 years

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
15th Apr '13
Quoting vivi12:" @linpink It was the LOVE between me and him that brought that kids in this world .I loved him first ... [snip!] ... to last much . You must be selfless . That is what relationship and love is all about .To put each other first . Thank you "


I took a few days to think about what you said. And don't get me wrong I actually think it is nice that you can feel this way. It would be a better world if marriages where always so good. Hell maybe your kids are even better off for it. I can't really speak for them and everyone's situation is different. However I don't think it is very realistic for most people. Even outside of abusive relationships people are often put in to situation where they have to choose their marriage or their children. The bible says that the love a parent has for his children is the same as God has for humanity. It is suppose to be a superior love even if we are suppose to put God and our husbands before our children. Even now with my current marriage I know I am going to have to fight and struggle for the rest of my life to make my marriage work so of course it often will take priority over my children. However it is because of my children most days that I find the energy and strength to keep fighting for it and not simply walk away. Walking away would certainly be easier. I give selflessly to my Dh all the time but those selfless acts always have a selfish intent behind them. I want him to love me, to stay with me, to be willing to fight just as hard as I am so for my own sake I give until it hurts and then I give some more. I think in cases where couples divorce after the kids have left home it is not so much as one or both parties got caught up with taking care of the kids and for got about each other so much as when the kids leave they no longer have a valid reason to keep on trying to make it work when one party isn't will to give as much or fight as hard as the other. If I am still with my Dh in 30 years it will be just as much because of my children as it is my love for him. They gave me a reason to fight when it was easier to walk away. When they are gone if we have made it through all the bad and good in life to come out in each others arms and our love is strong enough to get us through the rest of our lives then it will be because of our kids that we made it that far. Because our kids keep us together when our love wasn't yet strong enough or mature enough to make it by itself. For that reason I know I will always love my kids more. Yes even when they love their husbands and wives more. Even when they love their children more. I don't expect or ask that they love me above anyone or anything else. The love I have for my kids asks only that they are happy. Its not a jealous love like the love I have for my husband. I don't expect them to put me first in their hearts or other wise. That kind of love this jealous, uncertain, and selfish. We reserve that kind of love for our SOs.

user banned Japan 244 posts
15th Apr '13

@ The bible says that the love a parent has for his children is the same as God has for humanity. It is suppose to be a superior love even if we are suppose to put God and our husbands before our children



If you are growing through bible then you must remember the verse



Ephesians 5:25 says "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it"



And christ loved the church more than anything in this world .And that is what bible orders spouses to do . You choose bible as an example and i gave you the verse
Bible also talk about "husband and wife become one flesh " . You are no longer different people but ONE . Bible told spouses to love each other more than anything but GOD . If you are christian you must love god above all else and than comes your husband and than your children .



But as i said earlier .LOVE is a feeling which differs from person to person
You may find it interesting but we had a discussion on this topic some days and the answers were 50 /50 . Some loved their spouses more ,some children .It depends on how person feel for another.
So there is no need to further discussion about it .



LOVE is just love in the end .And we all love our family members differently .So there is no "one love is superior and other love is inferior " comes in this situation .



I have a friend who love her parents more than her husband and kids ( she told me ) .So every feels "differently ".



And talking about selfish . There are so many parents who raise their children because they want someone to take care of them in their own old age . Are they not selfish ?



You love your children more and i am okay with it .For you its the superior love .I love my husband more and for me its the superior love.



We are discussing a useless topic.



The verse i was talking about
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh


You are one flesh with your husband not with your children .You become one according to bible.
But who cares .LOVE more who you want to . Lets end this crazy discussion here

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
15th Apr '13
Quoting vivi12:" @ The bible says that the love a parent has for his children is the same as God has for humanity. It ... [snip!] ... children .You become one according to bible. But who cares .LOVE more who you want to . Lets end this crazy discussion here "


No offense Op but you are the one who posted this topic on the D and D thread lol. What did you think would happen? Everyone was going to agree with you or not express why they felt differently. It happens to be a topic I am very passionate about for many reasons. And the love we have and choose to express to our children will form the bonds of every relationship they have after us. Including those of their spouses and children. I want my children to know with out a doubt that my love for them is stronger than any other. If ever my husband where to hurt them they could come to me and not fear I would choose him over them. Do I think that will ever happen? No I don't but I don't want anyone to doubt not even my husband that if push came to shove my children will always come first. I don't like to debate with religion unless someone else brings it up first as you did when you listed the order in which we are suppose to put god, our Dhs, and our children. I am not a religious person but grew up in a religious family. My grandfather was a baptist preacher for 50+ years before he died. My brother in law is also a baptist preacher. While my husband is a hard core catholic. While I don't agree with most of the ideas my family shares I know the bible front to back and side ways. The word for marriage in the bible is used to describe rape as well. The joining of a husband and wife in one flesh is nearly a reference to sex. The bible even says to love your SO as you love yourself.... Ring any bells? Yes the bible straight up says we love our partners as we love ourselves. When we put ourselves above anything else that is selfish so when we love our husbands as we love our selves that too is selfish. Yes the bible says that husbands are to love their wives as jesus loved the church and died for it. But consider the fact that Jesus and God are often refereed to as one and the same. The church is build to honor God. That is why Jesus loved it and died for it. When we have children, they touch us in a way that nothing else is able to. They cut through the basic self centeredness that is in all of us. Just think how we are willing to get up time and time again during the night in order to care for our babies. We give up our comfort to care for our LOs who are totally dependent on us. God uses this love as an example to show us his own love for us. Not the love of a husband for his wife or a wife for her husband but the love of a parent for their child. God is often referred to as father and is described as a mother in may of the text of the bible because he is in truth sexless.
And for the record i have never met a parent who had children for the sole purpose of having some one to care for them in their old age. I know several people who got married for that reason and i also know parents who straight up refuse to allow their children to burden themselves with parents in their old age. Honestly it feels more like you say that simply to fit your argument than anything else. Wouldn't most of us be better off if we didn't have kids when it came to getting care in our old age? Imagine the money we could save and put towards retirement and health care.

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
15th Apr '13
Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" No offense Op but you are the one who posted this topic on the D and D thread lol. What did you think ... [snip!] ... kids when it came to getting care in our old age? Imagine the money we could save and put towards retirement and health care. "

She also keeps contradicting herself. She has said more than once that no love is better or stronger than another, no love is superior. Then goes on to say that some love their children more and that their love for their children is superior to the love they have for their partners and that's fine. Then she says the love for her husband is her superior love....