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How/When to tell DS? ************************* Chehalis, Washington 362 posts
11th Apr '13

I'll try to make this as short as possible. DH and I got divorced and remarried. My fault, I went majorly nuts after I had our last son. In the interim of our divorce and remarriage I met up with an ex bf and got pregnant. He is absent and DH has taken over every part of being a father to this baby. I don't imagine the baby's father will come around since his new gf texted me last week that he's glad he doesn't have to be here for this baby because now they can start a real family. He also has substance abuse problems so, I'm not disappointed that he doesn't want to be here.



My oldest is 7, so he *kind of* understands what's going on. DH and I have 4 kids together. In no way do I intend to keep his true father a secret. I'm just not sure how to go about this. Do you pretend DH is the father and then drop the bomb on him when he's old enough to understand? Or do you raise him with the knowledge tbat he has another dad that doesn't see him? My biggest fear is that if we wait he will be angry with us, but if we raise him knowing he will feel like an outcast separate from his other siblings. Also, I grew up with a father with substance abuse problems who came and went in my life. I have suffered a long time and spent tons in counseling to understand why he wasn't there for me, initially believing that something must have been wrong with me. Any input would be appreciated, especially those who have been the kid in this situation. Thanks!

Gosloving 1 child; Washington 12831 posts
11th Apr '13

You tell him the truth. He will understand later and learn to appreciate your DH more when he can fully understand the circumstances with his real dad.

user banned 2 kids; New York 34017 posts
11th Apr '13
Quoting Head of Pots:" You tell him the truth. He will understand later and learn to appreciate your DH more when he can fully understand the circumstances with his real dad."


This. And when he is older, if he wants to meet his bio dad, and his bio dad wants to meet him, they can do it on their own terms KWIM?

Elle With FOUR! 4 kids; Wichita, KS, United States 18964 posts
11th Apr '13

My Dad wasn't around when I was growing up...My parents tried to get pregnant with me so they could be sure they'd see each other when he was in prison, because they knew the cops were hot after him. They picked him up when Mom was 4 months pregnant, and my parents were married in the prison a couple months later. They divorced when I was 18 months old, and my Mom remarried. I was adopted by my stepfather. I knew he wasn't my father, and I always knew my Dad was somewhere out there. I'm really glad my Mom didn't try to hide my Dad from me. It was never a matter of him not wanting to be there though...he did, and my Mom wouldn't allow it. Any letters he sent were thrown away, and she wouldn't take me to see him.



I ended up looking him up when I was 16...Found him and had a few years of a fabulous father/daughter relationship before he passed away in 2007.

************************* Chehalis, Washington 362 posts
11th Apr '13

How do you guys suggest going about that? Like, do we not have him call DH "Dad" or like, how do you integrate "hes not really your dad" from the beginning when there's 4 other kids who do have him as Dad? I know I have tons of time before he understands lol the kid isnt even here yet but I'm so worried about making the wrong choice and him feeling bad. :(

lolajessup Due July 25; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44057 posts
11th Apr '13

My uncle got with his ex wife when she was preg. They never told their son. He raised him as his own. Well his mom told him when he was in his twenties and he hasn't talked to my uncle since :( it's very sad. I don't think you should keep it from him any longer. I feel bad for my uncle. He raised him selflessly something not all men could do, and then he got disowned for not telling him the truth. It's not like they meant to hurt him. But I'd assume they probably didnt know how to do it. Then his mom told him in a shitty way :(

user banned 2 kids; New York 34017 posts
11th Apr '13
Quoting amkcr8667810:" How do you guys suggest going about that? Like, do we not have him call DH "Dad" or like, how do you ... [snip!] ... before he understands lol the kid isnt even here yet but I'm so worried about making the wrong choice and him feeling bad. :("


my son regularly sees his bio dad, and still he calls my SO "daddy" sometimes he calls him Jake, sometimes he calls him dad. it's just whatever he's comfortable with.



i'd just stick to dad, personally. he's going to raise him as his own, anyway.

************************* Chehalis, Washington 362 posts
11th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting lolajessup:</b>" My uncle got with his ex wife when she was preg. They never told their son. He raised him as his own. ... [snip!] ... not like they meant to hurt him. But I'd assume they probably didnt know how to do it. Then his mom told him in a shitty way :("</blockquote>



Yeah...although I'd never wait until he was 20 I also can't think of an age thats a good time to drop a bomb like this. At the same time I'm not sure how to go about the whole "hes not ur dad even tho ur brothers and sisters have him as a dad" thing.

Juliette 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Olive Branch, MS, United States 3015 posts
11th Apr '13

My oldest is 4 and he isn't biologically my husband's. But he adopted him. (Adopt is such a weirs word lol) we don't hide it from him. I talk about the adoption and his Bio dad. But I haven't told him (he is 4). I don't know when the right time to tell him is. But I just roll with it. I was told ill know when the right time is. So yea... idk really.

S U Z I E 3 kids; Venezuela 18554 posts
11th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting amkcr8667810:</b>" I'll try to make this as short as possible. DH and I got divorced and remarried. My fault, I went majorly ... [snip!] ... have been wrong with me. Any input would be appreciated, especially those who have been the kid in this situation. Thanks!"</blockquote>




We are in the same situation! My oldest daughter has DS and a different father then my youngest two. Her dad is in jail an my husband adopted her when her bio-dad's rights were terminated. My other kids have no idea that my oldest has a different dad and honestly, neither does my oldest. I intend to keep it that way for as long as possible! I know that my younger children will eventually figure it out but I don't plan on volunteering that information... I'm hoping they don't figure it out until they're much older but when they so, I'm going to ask that they don't tell her! It might be different if her bio-dad wasn't a p***e o* s**t, or if she didn't have DS, but since she does, I plan on withholding that information. My husband is the only father figure she's ever known and she is a VERY emotional girl. It would confuse her and break her heart if she knew there was someone out there who had chosen (through his drug/alcohol addiction and his criminal actions..) not to be a part of her life! :(

lolajessup Due July 25; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44057 posts
11th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting amkcr8667810:</b>" How do you guys suggest going about that? Like, do we not have him call DH "Dad" or like, how do you ... [snip!] ... before he understands lol the kid isnt even here yet but I'm so worried about making the wrong choice and him feeling bad. :("</blockquote>



Sperm doesn't make someone a dad. He should most definitely still call dh dad.



My step dad I always refer to as my dad. He is my dad. My real dad (I always refer to him as real dad and step dad as dad) killed himself when I was 2. Since I was already calling him dad it never naturally happened for me to call step dad "dad". But when I talk to my brother ill say "hey where's dad" or whatever. But to my mom ill say "where's Steve?" Etc. but he did adopt me when I was 8.