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How lenient were you? Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13

With your ex/child's father after the breakup? Assuming HE was the one who had to "start over."



He keeps telling me that he doesn't have gas money and he doesn't get paid until Monday so he won't be goign back to his dads 45 mins away because work is up here. He said he was going to stay around here and sleep in his car. Now, I don't know what to say to him. Of course I don't want him sleeping in his car, but at the same time, I don't want him here. I feel like he's trying everything he can to get back in here. I'm trying to stand my ground, but where do I draw the line? When do I suck it up and say he's Jayson's father, he can sleep downstairs in the play room if he abides by this, this, and this and is out by this date? Is there ever a point to do this? How do I maintain control, not be manipulated, but not make it impossible for him to get back on his feet?

user banned 21 kids; North Dakota 3800 posts
16th Apr '13

For me it would depend on what kind of person he was (I.E. - is he on drugs?), what kind of relationship you had (can you get along without fighting and creating a volatile home?), and whether he was REALLY trying...is he just falling short but trying or is he out buying crap he doesn't need or putting himsf in this situation in other ways...

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting *Mayhem*:" For me it would depend on what kind of person he was (I.E. - is he on drugs?), what kind of relationship ... [snip!] ... he just falling short but trying or is he out buying crap he doesn't need or putting himsf in this situation in other ways..."


He's not on drugs, no. We CAN be civil, but it annoys the crap out of me to see him just sitting around. Especially on his days with our son. I know he is trying, but he's not trying as hard as he could be and it pisses me off. I am doing all of the fighting for him to just give up. I just want better for him.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13

I know these feelings. Quite well. I tried to be lenient for years, and it didn't do any good. For me, for him, for the kids. I can no longer have him here unless it's just to visit with the kids. He has to be on his way and is not able to stay here overnight at all.

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting KeriM:" I know these feelings. Quite well. I tried to be lenient for years, and it didn't do any good. For me, ... [snip!] ... have him here unless it's just to visit with the kids. He has to be on his way and is not able to stay here overnight at all."


Yeah. I know that feeling...obviously. Even when he comes up for his days with Jayson (tues and thurs) he wants to stay here all day with him watching TV. I have to force him out, then we're fighting about the fact that he can't stay here and he should have planned out something to do with him. I just gave him money to take J to the movies today because it's $5 tickets because he has nothing left and didn't make plans. I can't do that anymore.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting Spoonful of Jayson:" Yeah. I know that feeling...obviously. Even when he comes up for his days with Jayson (tues and thurs) ... [snip!] ... take J to the movies today because it's $5 tickets because he has nothing left and didn't make plans. I can't do that anymore."


Yup. I made the stipulation, if he's going to be here in my home with the kids, it's no more than 2hrs, and he has to have other activities planned and I'm not funding it. The 2hrs MUST comprise a meal, so I know everyone's eaten something proper, or it's a couple hours after dinner and he can help with bedtime routine.
I have three kids with him, and we have twins on the way now, we broke up FINALLY in January, just before I found out I was pregnant. He tried to use it as an excuse to move back, but I just can't do it for my sanity. So we stick with the stipulations that are set, and that is it.



Stick to your guns. I know it sucks thinking he could potentially be sleeping in his car, but that's his choice. He CAN make other arrangements. He chooses not to. My BD is sleeping on his dad's couch, and when his dad gets sick of him, he's heading to a shelter. And it's not my problem. That's what I have to keep telling myself.

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting KeriM:" Yup. I made the stipulation, if he's going to be here in my home with the kids, it's no more than 2hrs, ... [snip!] ... when his dad gets sick of him, he's heading to a shelter. And it's not my problem. That's what I have to keep telling myself."


It's just hard. I literally just got a text from him saying that he will do anything to be with me and our son. I don't even know how to respond. It's not what I want.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting Spoonful of Jayson:" It's just hard. I literally just got a text from him saying that he will do anything to be with me and our son. I don't even know how to respond. It's not what I want."


I'd just say "that's not what I want. you had time to show me. You didn't take that time when you had it."

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting KeriM:" I'd just say "that's not what I want. you had time to show me. You didn't take that time when you had it.""


Yeah really. We were together for 5 years. It's not like I didn't give it a fair shot.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting Spoonful of Jayson:" Yeah really. We were together for 5 years. It's not like I didn't give it a fair shot."


Exactly. Just keep telling him how it is. And then if he doesn't stop and you can't handle it anymore, tell him that if he keeps it up, you'll find a third party to take your son back and forth for visitations so you don't have to deal with him. Usually a threat like that can be enough to get them to stop for at least a little bit. It seems harsh, but sometimes, life is not nice. Especially when you choose to make it harder than it needs to be.

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting KeriM:" Exactly. Just keep telling him how it is. And then if he doesn't stop and you can't handle it anymore, ... [snip!] ... little bit. It seems harsh, but sometimes, life is not nice. Especially when you choose to make it harder than it needs to be."


I just wish he would give it time. He wants the easy way. We've only been living seperately for a week! (broken up a month though)

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting Spoonful of Jayson:" I just wish he would give it time. He wants the easy way. We've only been living seperately for a week! (broken up a month though)"


Oh man. They have no patience, eh? Want everyone else to have all the patience and compassion though. lol



I'd just keep telling him to stop. Don't give in, because that's just giving him the out all over again.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13

We'll stay strong together through this one!



Sometimes it seems easier to just let them back in, so that you don't have to listen to them anymore, but it's just a whole other set of problems to deal with when they're there.

Spoonful of Jayson 17 kids; Morrisville, Pennsylvania 11627 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting KeriM:" We'll stay strong together through this one! Sometimes it seems easier to just let them back in, so ... [snip!] ... so that you don't have to listen to them anymore, but it's just a whole other set of problems to deal with when they're there. "


lol yes! I'm trying so hard to stay strong. We broke up because I don't love him anymore, not because he cheated or anything. I still CARE about him as a person, but come on! He's asking too much of me being that we are seperated. Thanks for letting me get that out lol.

KeriM Due September 28; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Ontario 1129 posts
16th Apr '13
Quoting Spoonful of Jayson:" lol yes! I'm trying so hard to stay strong. We broke up because I don't love him anymore, not because ... [snip!] ... him as a person, but come on! He's asking too much of me being that we are seperated. Thanks for letting me get that out lol."


No problem! If you want to vent, don't be afraid to msg me and vent. I've been there. I know exactly what it's like to just not be in love with them anymore. It's freakin' hard. But in the end, it's supposed to be worth it! lol