Reply
Was I wrong? ☮Hippie Jesus☮ 2 kids; West Virginia 10560 posts
17th Apr '13

I don't know if I was wrong to be upset. We've already talked it out now and we're not fighting or anything at this point. It was never really a fight... Just sort of me ignoring him until he finally asked if I was mad at him.



Anyway, SO had to get professional references to get his social work license renewed. Fine. Great... He wants a new job and needed references. Cool. Well, I was totally and completely unaware the his final reference was going to be a woman who he's occasionally had flings of messing around with in his life and she goes to church with his mother and tells his mom that she wants to marry him, etc.



He left early for work yesterday (he's a professor... only had one class) to have dinner with his mom. Fine. But when he came home, he brought baby gifts and I asked who they were from and he said the woman's name.



I swear I would not have felt any kind of way about it if he had at least let me know that he was going to the woman's house to get her to sign a paper for him. I wouldn't have said ANYTHING. And he admits that the reason that he didn't tell me beforehand was because he thought I might get mad. Anyway, I know that it's not like he's running around on me or anything. I don't believe that at all. I just feel like he could have mentioned it, you know? He said that she invited me... to meet me and was asking things about me. Fine. I have nothing against the woman. I have no reason to dislike her. She got some nice little outfits for our son. It's SO that I was unhappy with. I just felt like I could expect to be let in on the fact that he was stopping by to have someone he's had a couple flings with to sign something.



But his initial argument was that I talk to my son's father sometimes without him knowing. Listen, we talk via text. I NEVER delete my texts to hide from him. The only time I delete any is the empty my inbox after it has several hundred texts in it. I never go and meet my ex husband, let alone without telling him about it... and I never talk to him about anything other than Kaden. When I do have something to say to him, it's usually about a doctors or dental visit that Kaden had and I report to him how it went or something like that. So he might receive 2 texts from me per month, if that. Why is he using that against me?



I totally understand that he needed the reference. It's just that I wish he would have said something beforehand. That's all. This isn't the first time that my ex-husband (and son's father) has been brought up in a minor disagreement. I don't know what to do... I have to communicate with the man somehow for at least the next 15 years. Why does he use that against me? And was I wrong to have been upset that he didn't at least let me know what he was doing... Here I thought he was just eating with his mom and teaching his class... But he's at an ex-fling's house getting papers signed and retrieving baby gifts at some point while he's out too? I don't know... Am I wrong?



ETA: He actually did have dinner with his mom and does so often and she mentions it in front of me when we're all together later. So that is no question. I completely believe him and there's no reason for me not to. He really is a great guy and we rarely ever have any disagreements like this. This is a rarity in our relationship, for sure.

Sarah Beth Cline 2 kids; Missouri 246 posts
17th Apr '13

I don't think you were wrong I'd be the same way. But I always believe if you have nothing to hide them why not be upfront honest. Maybe he's secretly worried you will get back with you ex or he's trying to redirect the fight back on you. Hope it gets better

The Pretender 2 kids; Brazil 1215 posts
17th Apr '13

Your husband is being childish to use your ex-husband's relationship with you as an argument in this. You HAVE to have contact with your ex about your child and it isn't about anything personal. This, obviously, isn't the case with your SO and the 'fling' because he mentioned that she asked about you... and you KNOW she was asking to see how likely it is you two would stick together.... NOT because she had good intentions. Anyone that would tell the mother of a guy that she wants to marry him is NO GOOD NEWS in my book.



I'd be mad. And, you're right, I doubt I'd be mad if I were you had he MENTIONED that you were going by her place beforehand. Because he PURPOSELY left that out he was lying to you. Which would make me very angry.

☮Hippie Jesus☮ 2 kids; West Virginia 10560 posts
17th Apr '13
Quoting Sarah Beth Cline:" I don't think you were wrong I'd be the same way. But I always believe if you have nothing to hide them ... [snip!] ... Maybe he's secretly worried you will get back with you ex or he's trying to redirect the fight back on you. Hope it gets better"

Well, I know he doesn't like it when the ex comes to get our son for the weekend, so I sometimes take Kaden to my mom's house beforehand and let him get him from there... So SO doesn't even have to see him and I don't have to see him. I'm fine with that sometimes, but it can't always be like that. We still need to at least try to be on the same page and have some kind of communication about what's going on in Kaden's life to be effective parents, I think. I just wish SO would understand that. If I happen to be in the store and an ex says hello, he gets pissed at me if I tell him I responded and said hello back... Like I'm supposed to just ignore them and carry on. I suck at being rude like that. It's just a hello. But yet it's cool for him to go to the woman's house without saying anything to me about it... He probably wouldn't have said anything if he didn't have a gift with him when he came home.

.Jezebel. 1 child; Sumter, South Carolina 9142 posts
17th Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting The Purple Penguin:</b>" I don't know if I was wrong to be upset. We've already talked it out now and we're not fighting or anything ... [snip!] ... He really is a great guy and we rarely ever have any disagreements like this. This is a rarity in our relationship, for sure."</blockquote>




He can't use the argument about you talking to your son's father. You have to talk to him. That's silly. He should've mentioned that he was going. I can understand why that upset you. I would've been aggravated as well.

☮Hippie Jesus☮ 2 kids; West Virginia 10560 posts
17th Apr '13
Quoting The Pretender:" Your husband is being childish to use your ex-husband's relationship with you as an argument in this. ... [snip!] ... were going by her place beforehand. Because he PURPOSELY left that out he was lying to you. Which would make me very angry. "

Right. It's just that he left it out that is upsetting. He's told me about the girl before and she's extremely religious and he said that they would have never lasted together as a couple, but that he had messed around with her a few times. But he couldn't be with her because their ideologies and beliefs are so different. And I believe that. I just wish I would have been told he was going there... Dammit.



I mean, he volunteered the paper to me this morning (to show me what he had to do over there) and said sorrys again, gave me some kisses, etc. etc. And everything is fine.