It isn't fair that he was taken away from you, or his little brother. I hate that saying "Everything happens for a reason". So sorry you're having to go through this.
I am so completely sorry for your loss. He was an absolutely beautiful little man.
Quoting RIPmysweetbaby:" I am absolutely falling apart. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I don't want to talk ... [snip!] ... was no reason for for him to be taken from me, he needs to be HERE not in the fucking ground. This is all fucking bullshit."
You sound exactly like I did once. I still have moments like that. Today was a moment like that, and it's been 3.5 years. Take your time. You don't owe anyone anything. Those statements people make they make because they don't know how to comfort you. Instead of hearing the words that come out of their mouth, hear their efforts. It isn't fair. It never will be. But you and your son and those who loved Jake will be stronger and live a more giving life because of losing him. It is hard to hear. But it is true. I would suggest finding someone, a counselor, a friend, a therapist, a whomeever to talk to. I hate talking to people myself. I don't. I bottle it in until I explode on my family like you do. But I did find one nurse whom I could talk to, at least a little. I still need to follow my own advice on talking to people. But I figure I took one step.... I'll give it a few years until I take another.... I too feel like a shit parent. It's nothing that someone can explain. But it IS PTSD..... because I recognize that, I'm able to cope a little. There are so many factors that go into being a parent or experincing something out of this world, as losing a child. It's not common.... and so we don't know how to handle it like other hardships in life. But YOU WILL overcome this. YOU WILL see the purpose. I am a FIRM believer in the fact that, just maybe, some things REALLY do happen for a reason. And it took me a SHIT load to get to just even considering that fact. I still want to slap the crap out of people for certain things that do or don't come out of their mouths. But we are people. We all have our own journey. And this is yours. This is your opportunity to teach and better the world, as well as yourself and your son. Take time to greive. It's not a step 1..2...3 proccess.......... it's a life proccess and it doesn't have a code or a detailed plan. Just find a way to learn to love again.