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Is He Selfish? C410 ; 1 angel baby; California 314 posts
21st Apr '13

My boyfriend and I are 3 years apart (he: 24, me: 27). I have been working full-time since I graduated...so been working full-time for about 5 years. However, he on the other hand has never had a full-time job, he's barely going back into school, and only holds a part-time job. By this rate, he won't graduate till I'm 32 or so (he'll be 29).



I fell in love with him because he was kind, super sweet, and considerate. Now that we're in our 1.5 year, it's been tough. We've planned on getting married when I'm 28~29 (he being 25~26) but we don't really have that much money saved.



He wants to spend this year and next year, moving out into his own apartment once he finds a full-time job. But, I told him that I'm fine with him living with his parents --so that way we can save enough money for the wedding and renting into OUR own apartment or so. But, he says he still needs to "grow up" and "feel independent" for this year or so, then we can start really saving up for marriage. I'm scared because



1) He wants to immediately move out on his own, on his first time full-time job.
2) He's been fired twice the past year, I'm really anxious on whether or not he can keep this full-time job, hence telling him that he shouldn't move out so soon.



I really love him, but can't seem to make up my mind if he is the RIGHT ONE, am I just being too selfish or is he selifish? He's said to me that I've been pushing him to be this "idealistic person" but I figure that these "ideas" are just part of growing up as a couple. Not really "pushing." Any perspective would be great.

Angel [Mariah's Mommy] 1 child; Indianapolis, Indiana 18065 posts
21st Apr '13

Selfish, maybe not... Immature for your ages, incredibly.

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15566 posts
21st Apr '13

I don't think he's being selfish at all. He wants to get out and live an adult life on his own for a little while. I think it's a good thing, maybe it will teach him some responsibilities.

♥MamaToS&O♥ 2 kids; ., IL, United States 11787 posts
21st Apr '13

I wouldnt say selfish. I would say immature and not very bright.

Good Queen Bess 2 kids; Ontario 47188 posts
21st Apr '13

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do.



He has recognized that he needs to do that prior to marriage, and he is planning for that.



Also, this may not be a popular opinion....but, if you don't know if he is the "right one", he probably isn't.

nursemaya mom to 3! 3 kids; 5 angel babies; Minnesota 16003 posts
21st Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Angel [Mariah's Mommy]:</b>" Selfish, maybe not... Immature for your ages, incredibly. "</blockquote>




Right! I was gonna ask why are you gonna marry a guy you are concerned about being able to keep a job. Fired twice in a year! Shit doesn't he have to TRY to f**k up that much? Dump the loser

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15566 posts
21st Apr '13
Quoting speaktruth2powr:" Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. He has recognized that he needs to do that prior ... [snip!] ... for that. Also, this may not be a popular opinion....but, if you don't know if he is the "right one", he probably isn't."

No, I completely agree with you.

HamHam 18 kids; India 3485 posts
21st Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Angel [Mariah's Mommy]:</b>" Selfish, maybe not... Immature for your ages, incredibly. "</blockquote>



I don't get selfish from either side... I just interpret the situation as one involving two people who do not seem ready for marriage. Sounds like you're on different pages regarding expectations and I would be really cautious about moving forward into marriage until you're on the same page. He doesn't even sound financially secure/ready to live alone with stability, let alone ready for marriage.

Sugarhiccup LLC ; 5 kids; Lahaina, Hawaii 2845 posts
21st Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting speaktruth2powr:</b>" Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. He has recognized that he needs to do that prior ... [snip!] ... for that. Also, this may not be a popular opinion....but, if you don't know if he is the "right one", he probably isn't."</blockquote>



This!

Angel [Mariah's Mommy] 1 child; Indianapolis, Indiana 18065 posts
21st Apr '13
Quoting speaktruth2powr:" Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. He has recognized that he needs to do that prior ... [snip!] ... for that. Also, this may not be a popular opinion....but, if you don't know if he is the "right one", he probably isn't."


I agree too.

C410 ; 1 angel baby; California 314 posts
21st Apr '13

Thank you.

3 little monsters 3 kids; Olathe, Colorado 50990 posts
21st Apr '13

I don;t think it's an age thing so much as a mental age mentality. He isn't ready to be that family man that you need. He sounds like he's headed that way but it's still pretty far off. You both need someone who is at the same phase you are, him looking for a GF without attachments, you looking for a guy ready for a family. Some guys are ready for that earlier but he's barely committed to anything. I mean his big promise is getting his own place at 25 right? Thats obviously not the same place you are. Age wise you are only 3 years but in actual maturity it sounds like much bigger distance.

*WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
21st Apr '13

I know everyone is different and sometimes it is good for people to get their own independant time. That being said, my husband lived with his parents and as soon as he got a job and was able to be on his own, he wanted me right there with him. He didn't feel like he needed to be on his own for awhile. As long as we were together it was ok. We didn't even have a big wedding. We just went to the courthouse and got married. lol We may have a big one on our 10 year anniversary, but we are thinking it is a waste of money since we already are married and in love, so might as well do something better with the money. lol
Now with everyone being different, I don't feel it is my right to judge who is selfish in your situation. I just thought I would throw my story out there and mention that if he lives alone and is independant, he might like it too much and never want to move forward with you. Then again, if he IS the right one, it will work out either way!

MysticWitchKat 2052 posts
22nd Apr '13
Quoting Angel [Mariah's Mommy]:" Selfish, maybe not... Immature for your ages, incredibly. "


^this

C410 ; 1 angel baby; California 314 posts
22nd Apr '13
Quoting *WishingUponAStar*:" I know everyone is different and sometimes it is good for people to get their own independant time. That ... [snip!] ... like it too much and never want to move forward with you. Then again, if he IS the right one, it will work out either way!"


Hey girl, Yes I am on the same way as you. I don't need a grandoise wedding, in fact, like in my original post, I don't mind him staying at home because we can both save the money for the wedding/and future plans. As long as we were together. Thank you for your input!