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Just letting it out saageex3 1 child; New York 5767 posts
21st Apr '13

I don't even know if this is appropriate for this forum




4 years ago I lost my older sister. It was sudden and extremely unexpected. We all thought she was going to make it. Not once did I say goodbye, or did it cross my mind to really remember her face. I remember her being incoherent and my mom telling me to talk to her... To say anything. I chose not to. I could have told her that I loved her. I could have told her to hold on and that she was going to be okay. My own sister knew she was dying and I didn't. I was so wrapped up in stupid boyfriend problems and school and I just figured she would get better. I was so damn selfish while my entire family was expecting the worst. The day she died, I chose to go to school instead of the hospital. I was tired of waiting rooms and vending machine food and wanted to see my friends and my STUPID f**king boyfriend. When I got home a close family friend came over to comfort me. I had no idea why she kept saying sorry until she realized I didn't know. My brother called and told me she didn't make it. I just kept crying. I felt guilty for thinking of little pety people in my life instead of my sister and I still do now. I don't know why I was so selfish. SO tells me that maybe it was easier to focus on the little things then to see my sister dying. I don't think so. I think I was just a selfish little b***h of a kid.
She was the only sibling I wasn't close with. If anyone asked me about her, all I could say is that she was a RN, was beautiful, and had a huge soft spot for animals. I don't know anything about her. I can't ask her questions and I will never get the chance to know her like I do my other siblings. I just want to apologize to her for not telling her I loved her when she needed it. For not holding her hand one last time... For not visiting since she passed and telling her myself.



It's been a rough night.

Jesa. TTC since Mar 2012; 1 child; 2 angel babies; Oklahoma 15358 posts
21st Apr '13

Ignoring is a way of coping for some people.
I'm the same way with things like that. To avoid getting hurt.
If you didn't know, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself.

user banned 1 child; Bluefield, Virginia 1053 posts
21st Apr '13

im sorry for your loss, and she knows that you love her.
you guys might not have been as close as you now wish, but she knows you are thinking of her and she knows that you loved her then and still do now.



*hugs*

iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien 3 kids; New York, TX, United States 37137 posts
21st Apr '13

I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you thought of maybe doing something in her name? you mentioned that she had a soft spot for animals...maybe volunteering at a shelter or something like that? It would add to her legacy and I'm sure she would be very proud of you...you can't change the past, but you can use her memory and be inspired by her to change something around you for the better.

saageex3 1 child; New York 5767 posts
21st Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien:</b>" I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you thought of maybe doing something in her name? you mentioned that ... [snip!] ... can't change the past, but you can use her memory and be inspired by her to change something around you for the better."</blockquote>




That would be nice. I just feel like she seen how selfish I was. I didn't cry at her wake either until they closed the coffin and my other sister collapsed on top of it screaming for her not to go. I never cry over her but today I have a lot. I came across her boyfriends page and seen he has a new girlfriend. I got really mad even though I know he's a great guy and should move on. I don't know if seeing that made it sink in more but how long does it take to sink in? It's been almost 4 years and I keep going back and forth. I feel like either I don't think of her or she's always on my mind.

iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien 3 kids; New York, TX, United States 37137 posts
21st Apr '13
Quoting saageex3:" <blockquote><b>Quoting iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien:</b>" I'm so sorry for your loss. Have ... [snip!] ... It's been almost 4 years and I keep going back and forth. I feel like either I don't think of her or she's always on my mind."


Maybe go to her grave and tell her that, I know it might seem silly but maybe you will get some closure, talk to her, or maybe write her a letter and do the whole tie to a balloon thing. I find that expressing your feelings to the person you want helps a lot, addressing them as if they were still here.



I hope you find something that helps you, and you can finally feel at easy with her passing without feeling guilty. You're not a bad person.

saageex3 1 child; New York 5767 posts
21st Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien:</b>" Maybe go to her grave and tell her that, I know it might seem silly but maybe you will get some closure, ... [snip!] ... something that helps you, and you can finally feel at easy with her passing without feeling guilty. You're not a bad person."</blockquote>




I think I would have gone already if she wasn't buried close to the city where I am terrified to drive. I think maybe ill see if one day SO will drop me off for a bit so I can talk to her and introduce her to DD

M♥MMY to 3 GIRLS:) Due October 22; 2 kids; California 1916 posts
22nd Apr '13
Quoting saageex3:" I don't even know if this is appropriate for this forum 4 years ago I lost my older sister. It was ... [snip!] ... For not holding her hand one last time... For not visiting since she passed and telling her myself. It's been a rough night."


That makes me sad just reading it I am so sorry :cry::cry:. Trust me it is normal to feel guilt for everything you did not do when a love one passes. I feel like your sister sounded alot like my mom, she was an RN also and had a huge heart....My mom killed herself a couple years ago. I have times when I blame myself because I was not there I did not even know she was depressed. I was so busy with my kid bf and school and never spent enough time, and I would give ANYTHING for one last minute, one chance to say goodbye.. I am so sorry I know some of the pain you are feeling. Just know she is in a better place and watching over you. I hope you can get through this and if you need someone to talk to I am here:)

mamaCHUNK Due January 9; 1 child; 694 posts
22nd Apr '13
Quoting saageex3:" <blockquote><b>Quoting iLL-Legal Unicorn Alien:</b>" Maybe go to her grave and tell ... [snip!] ... terrified to drive. I think maybe ill see if one day SO will drop me off for a bit so I can talk to her and introduce her to DD"


Sagey Poo <3 I"m coming home, where she is buried. If i can, I'll take you<3<3<3<3 we love youuuuuuuuuuuuu

saageex3 1 child; New York 5767 posts
22nd Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting mamaCHUNK:</b>" Sagey Poo <3 I"m coming home, where she is buried. If i can, I'll take you<3<3<3<3 we love youuuuuuuuuuuuu"</blockquote>




When!? I NEED to see you guys!! And I'm not sure of the name but thank you we love you guys

mamaCHUNK Due January 9; 1 child; 694 posts
22nd Apr '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting saageex3:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting mamaCHUNK:</b>" Sagey Poo <3 I"m coming home, where she ... [snip!] ... When!? I NEED to see you guys!! And I'm not sure of the name but thank you we love you guys"</blockquote>




May 1- 11th!