Ok so I'm really just posting this to get it off my chest. I've already called my doctor from the last actual anxiety attack I had and am just waiting on them to call me back so I can get put on something.
My emotions/thoughts, everything have been all over the place since Isaac died.
But for the most part I've just been sad. BD and I have fought on and off, it was worse right after it happened but got better. Though it still feels like I'm just going through the motions most of the time.
Well yesterday BD and I were talking about me getting this new job and something stupid and tiny was brought up and I just like FLIPPED out. We both started screaming at each other and I did something I've never done before. I started throwing shit. BD raised his hand to me but never did anything to hurt me, but I did :( And I'm devastated by it. He backed me up into our bedroom to keep me from going anywhere and doing anything stupid I guess and it made me freak out even more.
I hurt him :(
I don't think his wrist is sprained but it's swollen and hurt.
I don't even remember any REAL thoughts going through my head accept "let me out".
Finally after we stopped screaming at each other he let me leave and I just went to his grave site and cried. I cried for what seems like forever. Someone even stopped and asked if I was ok :cry:
I just, I feel like my bouts of happiness, or "normalness" are getting smaller and fewer in between.
All day today I was just up and down.
I was excited about getting job interviews, and then all of a sudden I was exhausted and just wanted to go home and sleep.
I'm all over the place and it's really effecting my life at this point.
Yes, I think it's a good thing I called the doctor and am going to figure out some way of trying to deal with this because "time" just isn't doing it :(
Sorry if this was all over the place I just needed to type it all out.
:( I hope they are able to get you on something soon, but I honestly believe this is part of the PTSD. And being that things have been like they were before I'm glad that he didn't hit you.
You need to see a Dr or go to therapy or something. Its natural to be upset & it hasn't been long enough to really help but moving forward to get help is all you can do. I'd consider that either a panic attack of anxiety attack. Its good your BD didn't hit you but its not ok that you hit him either. I hope things get better for you. Time & medication can help. Time alone only really gives you time to accept it, it never becomes ok really. I am very sorry for the loss from your family
You're doing the right thing by getting help. About the thing with your BD...yes it sucks and it shouldn't have happened. But you have to remember that you are not YOU right now. You are ridden with grief and anxiety and it is wearing on you. It runs down your body and messes up your mind. Hopefully your BD understands that, and that it's going to take a lot of time and effort to get through it.
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better....but it WILL ease up.