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BDSM W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
6th May '13

Okay, I'm going to try and put this all in a nutshell. I am genuinely curious about this lifestyle. I personally am longing for the sexual side of D&S, I want DH to completely dominate me sexually. I am aware that sex is actually not the main focus for most in the BDSM community. My cousin was talking to me about all of it recently for she had a fwb who is part of the community and goes to the local dungeon that opened recently. I want to know more, no judgement here as I have an extremely open mind and I feel like here lately I'm truly searching for my true self....outside of how I was raised. If anyone trusts me and would be willing to talk and share, I'd really like to talk to someone rather than Google and search for legitimate information. Thank you!

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
6th May '13
Quoting W.W.:" Okay, I'm going to try and put this all in a nutshell. I am genuinely curious about this lifestyle. I ... [snip!] ... to talk and share, I'd really like to talk to someone rather than Google and search for legitimate information. Thank you! "


I am by no means an expert. I'd say the first thing is to talk to your husband about it. You both need to be on the same page. If you're simply wanting to incorporated some BDSM into your sex life, then that is the first step. Discuss it with him to figure out what you'd both like to try and what you wouldn't be okay with. Setting up ground rules, safe words, all of that. If you're wanting something more extreme, like BDSM parties and whatnot, well that I don't know much about. You'd really need to make friends with some others in your area who are into that I'd guess.

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
6th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" I am by no means an expert. I'd say the first thing is to talk to your husband about it. You both need ... [snip!] ... well that I don't know much about. You'd really need to make friends with some others in your area who are into that I'd guess."


This could be tmi....
I just want it between DH and myself. Lately I've brought it up here and there, just to see how he feels about the lighter side of it. First I asked him if he thinks he is more the dominant or submissive type(sexually), and he said he feels more into dominance and I said that's great, I am definitely submissive. The last time we had sex I asked him to pull my hair harder, and to slap my ass consistently. To handle me and more like throw me around to whatever position he wanted me in. We have always gotten pretty rough as far as pace and talk rather dirty but I'm wanting more and I agree, we need to talk about it and figure it all out.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
6th May '13
Quoting W.W.:" This could be tmi.... I just want it between DH and myself. Lately I've brought it up here and there, ... [snip!] ... rough as far as pace and talk rather dirty but I'm wanting more and I agree, we need to talk about it and figure it all out. "


See, IMO at the time is not the time to discuss it. I think when you are not having sex is the time to talk about it. To figure out what you both want. I know it seems easier in the moment, but I think these things are really important and should be discussed on their own, you know? Also, when you set up safe words adn things like that, he'll feel more open to being rougher because he'll feel like you can easily let him know if he goes too far. It's scary being the dominant one at first, because they are asserting power over someone else in a way that we are taught from day one is bad. You do NOT do these things. That's what we're told.



So, I think having clear guidelines when starting makes everyone more comfortable and confident.

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
6th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" See, IMO at the time is not the time to discuss it. I think when you are not having sex is the time ... [snip!] ... That's what we're told. So, I think having clear guidelines when starting makes everyone more comfortable and confident. "

Yeah, that is right. I knew not to ask too much while we were already going at it, and I will talk to him before we have sex again.



Are you practicing this in the bedroom? If you want to share, that is.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
6th May '13
Quoting W.W.:" Yeah, that is right. I knew not to ask too much while we were already going at it, and I will talk to ... [snip!] ... it, and I will talk to him before we have sex again. Are you practicing this in the bedroom? If you want to share, that is. "


Yes. We are strictly sex BDSM. So, nothing outside of the bedroom. No relationship stuff, nothing outside of just us.

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
6th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" Yes. We are strictly sex BDSM. So, nothing outside of the bedroom. No relationship stuff, nothing outside of just us."

Yeah, that is what I am looking for with DH.



Was your husband or SO open about it with you or did you bring it up? Or did you both want it? Just curious how it started for you and what you do.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
6th May '13
Quoting W.W.:" Yeah, that is what I am looking for with DH. Was your husband or SO open about it with you or did you bring it up? Or did you both want it? Just curious how it started for you and what you do. "


Yeah, he was very open to it. I had realized that it was something that was missing. Something I wanted and needed that wasn't there. Our sex life has been 100 times better since we started that. It's really been wonderful. It requires open conversation and a lot of trust. I was surprised he was as on board as he is, and it's funny that it's taken 10 years to get to this point, but I'm glad we are.

Adrien && Kambrias mommy 2 kids; Gilbert, Arizona 550 posts
6th May '13

What is that?? Sorry! Lol

Motherofatoddler 1 child; Kansas City, Kansas 2516 posts
6th May '13

We do it in the bed room. at first he didnt really know what to do. so then we started talking about it. he got closer but it was still off so i decided one day i would wright down exactly what i wanted him/us to do. it was hard for me to say it out loud and get my whole thought out on the subject. It worked so much better. now he knows what im into and what im not into. Now he can just do things and it be great. like right on for the both of us. I never in the middle of doing it was telling him what to do unless it was something little. :lol:

Soon 2 be mom of 3 Due November 6; 2 kids; Massachusetts 412 posts
6th May '13

I tried a BDSM lifestyle with my ex, at first it was great and seemed to work wonders for our relationship but this wasn't just a sexual thing it was all the time. He even insisted I wear a "collar" because after all I was his "pet". I couldn't keep up with his list of desires, 2 kids , 3 jobs and him staying home doing nothing. When I wouldn't "submit" I received a submissive beating eventually I resented him and started to hate him...I refused to be "owned". Because I wasn't giving him what he wanted I got nothing. He spent all hours of the night online on fetish sights. When I finally decided to leave it took him less then a month to move his submissive girlfriend who he met online in. He always said I was only sexually submissive. I never saw a problem with that. IMO it is very difficult to be submissive to a man who does nothing to earn it. He never worked, barely helped with the kids and didn't do housework. Anyway I know that's not what you are asking about and honestly when things were good and I wasn't being "beat" the sex was amazing. I'd like to explore some of that with my DH but I'm just reluctant due to my past experience.

Motherofatoddler 1 child; Kansas City, Kansas 2516 posts
6th May '13

I do agree with the above poster. if your not careful it could tear your relationship apart and cause resentment. we take breaks from it its not a daily think but still often.

Soon 2 be mom of 3 Due November 6; 2 kids; Massachusetts 412 posts
7th May '13

Our relationship was not perfect to start and we had high hope this was the dynamic we needed. I was never completely comfortable because like I said he continued it outside of the bedroom. I am extremely uncomfortable around him and I hate the way he looks at me. I worry my kids will be exposed to his fetish because he once said my son couldn't sleep on the couch because he has a "night life"

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
7th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" Yeah, he was very open to it. I had realized that it was something that was missing. Something I wanted ... [snip!] ... I was surprised he was as on board as he is, and it's funny that it's taken 10 years to get to this point, but I'm glad we are."

Awesome, I'm happy for you!



DH and I have been married for almost 5 years, married in June. We've been together a little over 5 years though.

W.W. 3 kids; Arkansas 7890 posts
7th May '13
Quoting Soon 2 be mom of 3:" Our relationship was not perfect to start and we had high hope this was the dynamic we needed. I was ... [snip!] ... my kids will be exposed to his fetish because he once said my son couldn't sleep on the couch because he has a "night life""

Did you ever do up any kind of" contract "? Any kind of verbal or written agreement? If he just expected you to live the lifestyle and you never talked about what you wanted and didn't want then it wasn't right. The BDSM community go by ssc (safe, sane, and consensual).