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Suffering and lost (long and ranting) *WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
28th May '13

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. I just know I need to get some feelings out that I don't want to share out loud and our family needs prayers/good vibes.....
I am so broken. The other night (I am running blanks lately so I barely know the days anymore.), we got a call that my beautiful niece was in the hospital because she had drowned in the bathtub. (I dont know the exact situation and they did an autoposy and are looking into how this happened.....she was without oxygen for at least 30 minutes. Her sister has been taken away from my sis in law and my brother in law-my husband's brother- is in jail and missed everything.) Anyways, she was on life support and had no chance. She was brain dead. Her mama chose to take her off and hold her until she passed. We were all there with her and all said our good byes. It breaks my heart, she was so beautiful, she just had her first birthday....it is like a horrible dream that can't be true....except I am reliving this dream as this June makes 7 years since I lost my own baby girl. I have been trying to stray strong for her mama because I know even if she walked away for however long that she did not mean for this to happen. I can't help, but have flash backs of my daughter. I have been having breaks downs and feel like a selfish b***h for even doing so. I tried to hide the melt downs in the bathrooms, but some people can tell I am not ok. I didn't really get a chance to say good bye to my daughter because I was really sick. I couldn't see because my eye sight was blurred from high bp and being on mag. sulfate. I just counted her toes and made sure she was perfect and handed her to my husband. I could barely see her at her funeral because my eye sight was still blurry, but I could see she was a beautiful little Angel for sure. She looked just like a baby doll. So with living with regrets that I didn't get pictures and other things, I refuse not to say good bye to my little niece, Avery. It is so much harder than I thought, and I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through. I barely made it through holding her and telling her good bye when she got her wings. I promised her father in jail (my bil) that I would take pictures of the funeral and get one in the casket for him, but I didnt realized that I should not be the one making that promise. I had to hand off the camera to my husband because I was too shaky to get the other pictures of her. My other niece got taken away, so I can't even go hold her and give her lovings. This is so unfair. I already have PTSD from losing my daughter (I am highly afraid of death for me and my children and well as lot of other issues.) I haven't had flashbacks in a long time though and this week, they have been on over load. I keep blanking out too. I dont even know what more I was going to say or what more to say. Please dont call me selfish for thinking of my own daughter. My heart is definitely heavy with my little Avery just getting her wings. I wish it wasnt her soo bad!!! Thank goodness I have a psych. appointment today, because I need advice on how to get through with this funeral and I am not ok. It has been 7 years in June since I lost my daughter and I just recently in the last couple years have been able to get myself to an ok place. I don't know how I am going to recover from this.....let alone how do I be so strong for her mama when I am not strong myself? It is killing me that her father (my bil) couldn't be there to say good bye to his daughter either. He MAY get to go visit her body for 10-15 minutes IF the Chaplain from the prison gets his stuff straight in time. Her funeral is Thurs. morning so he basically has today or tomorrow to see her and of course they don't have chaplains in prison on holiday weekends. They get to enjoy their holidays rather someone needs help or not. I personally think there should have been a back up one. Only guards will be with him if he does get to go though, and none of us can see him. :( My husband and I weren't ok saying good bye to our daughter and we had the family all around us. I just hope they put him on watch and he doesnt hurt his self. This is sooo f**king unfair!!!

Momma x 2 18 kids; Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA, United States 1371 posts
28th May '13

I'm so sorry to hear about your families losses :( Is your other niece at least with family members while they investigate? I can't even imagine what your SIL is going through, I could never live with the fact that I was responsible for one of my children dying....the guilt would kill me :cry:

user banned 4 kids; Mueang Phuket, Thailand 30487 posts
28th May '13

I'm so sorry for you and your families loss. Hugs momma.you are not selfish any way whatsoever.

eKnuckles Due February 13; Florida 3471 posts
28th May '13

YOU ARE NOT SELFISH AT ALL FOR THINKING ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER!!! I am SO sorry you are going through this, I really mean that. But truly do not feel an ounce of guilt for thinking about your baby girl. Anyone and everyone would, if in the same situation. I am also very sorry for the loss of your niece, I hope eventually everyone can get to a point where they can function and speak about he in happy terms. <3

Sloth clusterfuck, LA, Sri Lanka 106769 posts
status 28th May '13

How sad :(

I think it's normal for this to make your own feelings of loss stronger.

I don't think you are being selfish

Hope it helps to speak to your therapist

*WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
28th May '13
Quoting Momma x 2:" I'm so sorry to hear about your families losses :( Is your other niece at least with family members while ... [snip!] ... through, I could never live with the fact that I was responsible for one of my children dying....the guilt would kill me :cry:"


As of right now, my other niece is still in CPS custody. They came to my in laws house the other day to check it out and said besides doing background checks, they should be good. They were going to try to place her that day (this was thurs. or fri.), but apparently didn't since the caseworker had to go make sure she enjoyed her holiday. From what I know, she is supposed to be placed with my in laws if everything checked out good today, but I haven't heard any word on it yet.
Yea I lost my daughter because I had pre-eclampsia....the doctors would even ask me why my BP was so high, but never mention pre-e, even though protein had been in my urine since 6 months pregnant. My back started hurting one day and I didnt want to go in because every time the doctors would basically tell me to shut up and go home and take tylenol. Then I started hemorrhaging from my placenta abrupting and it was too late by the time we got to the hospital. I blamed myself for many many years, and still have regrets that I didnt go and that I listened to the doctors. Both my sis in law and my brother in law are already blaming their selves. He thinks if he would have been here, this wouldn't have happened. :(

Momma x 2 18 kids; Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA, United States 1371 posts
28th May '13
Quoting *WishingUponAStar*:" As of right now, my other niece is still in CPS custody. They came to my in laws house the other day ... [snip!] ... and my brother in law are already blaming their selves. He thinks if he would have been here, this wouldn't have happened. :("


Awwww, in your situation there isn't anything you could have done, so I definitely would not blame yourself. I'm sorry your doctors didn't take you seriously and you had to go through that :cry:



In your SIL's situation, I would totally blame myself, that is something at is preventable and just common sense, so it would be very, very, very hard to come to terms with. I hope your other niece can be placed with her grandparents, she's probably very scared and confused :cry: Hopefully your family will be able to band together and offer support. RIP little ones <3

The Pretender 2 kids; Brazil 1215 posts
28th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Just Ames:</b>" I don't know how it was an accident if the child was without oxygen for that long



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ßlack Rose ♥ 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Sharon, OK, United States 5335 posts
28th May '13

I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. :cry: I don't think its selfish of you to think about your own daughter during this time either. I hope your BIL is able to attend the funeral. What a terrible situation. I hope you and your family are able to find some peace.

penispenispenisVAGINA 4 kids; Idaho 7110 posts
28th May '13

I'm so sorry to read about your loss. It's heart breaking to lose any family member especially a baby. My Nephew was 2 and he was murdered. My Brother was also in prison at the time and he wasn't allowed to go to the funeral and say his goodbyes to his son. This was in 2007. He would have been 9 on October 11th. The same day that my son turns 1. I hope you can find peace and strength during this time OP. I'm glad that you do have an appt today so you can talk to someone and not be alone in a sense.



What I don't understand is the baby just celebrated her first birthday, "drowned" in the bathtub, and was without oxygen for 30 minutes? Something doesn't add up with that.



Again OP I'm terribly sorry for this loss.

*WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
28th May '13

Thank you all! Just reading your kind words helps a little and getting it off my chest period...not much getting it off while it keeps coming back though.



Yea I am hoping they are saying she was without oxygen because it took that long for the ambulance to get there. (There have been a lot of speculations going around.) That would be crazy considering she lives literally right down from the hospital she went to. Not too mention, her first daughter was premature at the same hospital as my son was premature at. I KNOW they wont let you check out your baby until you take the infant CPR classes and a lot of classes actually. One of the classes specifically talks about babies and water. (Hell I don't leave my 4 & 5 1/2 year old in the tub alone for fear they will slip and fall.) The thing that kills me too is BOTH my 2 boys have choked. My first son choked on formula at 1 week old. I called 911 immediately and they told me exactly what to do and a bunch of formula came up as soon as I did the chest compressions with my 2 fingers.My youngest son (my preemie) used to like to find change (still does, he just doesn't swallow pennies anymore!) and he would swallow pennies. One time he had swallowed a penny and it was right after he got his shots. I knew something wasn't right. His face looked like it was really pale and his breathing wasn't right. I told my husband and he thought I was crazy. I told him we were taking him to the e.r. to make sure he wasn't having an allergic reaction. This had to have been around 15 minutes when I seen his lips turn blue. I immediately did the chest compresions as I yelled for my husband to call 911. A penny came right up and thankfully everything was alright. Neither of mine have been under water like that though, so I don't want to speculate. Plus my mind just wont let me comprehend how preventable this could have been right now. If my youngest son can choke on a penny for 15 minutes though, how could she have not ran in there to do cpr right away if it had only been a minute and the baby saved. She did have a bruise on her head, so there are speculations she could have fell. Still doesn't make any since why you would walk away from a baby in the bath. :(

Donna Jo Tanner 1 child; Beach Haven, New Jersey 6440 posts
28th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting The Pretender:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Just Ames:</b>" I don't know how it was an accident if the child was without oxygen for that long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"</blockquote>




She could have found her unconscious and tried to revive her, emt's could have tried too. That doesn't mean that the little girls mom didn't find her for 30 mins it means it took 30 mins to get a pulse and get her stable enough to hook up. Her brain was without o2 for 30 mins.

penispenispenisVAGINA 4 kids; Idaho 7110 posts
28th May '13
Quoting *WishingUponAStar*:" Thank you all! Just reading your kind words helps a little and getting it off my chest period...not much ... [snip!] ... so there are speculations she could have fell. Still doesn't make any since why you would walk away from a baby in the bath. :("


Would you think your SIL could 'do' anything like this? I don't want you to accuse or point a finger but what do you think happened?

*WishingUponAStar* 2 kids; 4 angel babies; Lawton, Oklahoma 18442 posts
28th May '13
Quoting nothinuneed2no:" Would you think your SIL could 'do' anything like this? I don't want you to accuse or point a finger but what do you think happened? "


I honestly don't know. I mean I have seen normal, sane people just snap and you always hear crazy stories. I honestly don't trust a soul in the world (this may be just part of my PTSD) because anyone really could turn against you in an instant. She has always been a good mom from what I have seen though. I think that even if she did walk away for a long time that she didn't mean for this to happen. It was probably more of my daughter can walk now (she had just started walking not too long ago) and that would never happen to me kind of accident. My mind is so lost this week though, if they told me that something was done, I don't think I could handle it. I am very protective of my family and friends.....I would have to hope they locked her away asap or that I never ran into her and I would have to FORCE myself to stay away.

penispenispenisVAGINA 4 kids; Idaho 7110 posts
28th May '13
Quoting *WishingUponAStar*:" I honestly don't know. I mean I have seen normal, sane people just snap and you always hear crazy stories. ... [snip!] ... would have to hope they locked her away asap or that I never ran into her and I would have to FORCE myself to stay away."


Well I hope that they get to the bottom of everything and it was all just an accident. My heart is breaking for you as her auntie as well as the rest of the family. Nobody should have to go through this for any reason!