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I feel like... (rant/vent... advice welcome) gorgeouschaos712 2 kids; Hickory, North Carolina 596 posts
29th May '13

I am turning into a horrible mom! I am constantly looking forward to Friday's whether I am getting them back or dropping them off..




Back story I have two children and am currently going through a divorce with their father. We live an hour away from each other and in a real shitty way came to the agreement of him getting them every other week.



We have been separated since the end of December and came to the agreement of every other week the first week of February.



When it's his week to have them I am going insane not being able to eat much of anything throughout the day waiting until I get them back. But when it's my week with them, I seem to be so short tempered with them anymore. My daughter is 3 years old, so she knows in a sense what's going on. And she has become so defiant in me. She helps herself to anything she wants, even when I tell her to wait just a few minutes while I finish fixing her meal. And she just doesn't listen worth a shit anymore. I know, I know at this age it's just a phase, but at the same time she was listening to me just fine a few months ago. I mean sure she pushed her limits, but she knew what I said went. Now it's just the complete opposite. It's like she doesn't care. And my son will be 1 Saturday, and has been extremely clingy. He hates being put down for very long and will scream his head off when I do put him down. This too many will put off as being a stage all kids go into, but at the same time neither one of them acted this way until they started spending more time with their father and his parents. And me personally, I put all the blame on them not disciplining them. Mainly DD by not always giving in to her wants. She has absolutely no boundaries when she is with them, and none of them keep up with the kids personal hygiene. DD always comes home with yellow teeth, they both come home looking like they haven't bathed all week, and stink of sweat. Not to mention them giving DS kool-aide to drink in his bottle! They won't try weaning him from it. They won't try potty training DD, nor will they try weaning her from her paci.



How can I make this co-parenting work, if he's not willing to work together for what's best for them? At times I just want to give up and either keep them from him or let him keep them because no matter how hard I try, everything I do goes out the window as soon as they go back to him. Take in mind that even though I said that, I could never give up on my kids. Though the other option seems to look better and better each day... :/

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
29th May '13

Is it a court ordered arrangement or just something you're doing off the books?

*Turtles* Due July 27 (girl); 1 child; Someplace, UT, United States 6090 posts
29th May '13

I can relate a little. You need to set rules for your children to obey when they're with you. Make them understand that they play by your rules when they're with you.

castaway 2 kids; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 18750 posts
29th May '13

Maybe I will get hated on for saying this, but I always feel bad for kids tossed back and forth every week, not really having a stable home, as in they may always just feel like a visitor going back and forth. (just my feelings) could you keep them during the week, every week, and he gets the on the weekends, every other holiday, and a month in the summer? That is a pretty typical arrangement.



Good luck!

MomDIA TTC since May 2008; 81 kids; Warminster, Pennsylvania 3812 posts
29th May '13

You are not a bad mom, and the behavior for your children is completely normal. At 1 years old your child is experiencing seperation anxiety and that is obviously going to intensify x10 when he goes that long without seeing you. Your 3 year old is acting out because her whole life has altered and she is adjusting to the change. You also are probably a little short tempered as well because you are stressed. You are going through a lot and your whole life has changed/turned upside down as well. Don't be too hard on yourself. Talk to your ex and see if you can just alternated days or something instead of whole weeks, let him know its affecting the children and if he doesn't agree unfortunately court may be another option to come to an agreement that works best for the children so that they adjust better to their new lifestyle. Good luck mama and don't be so hard on yourself!

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
29th May '13
Quoting castaway:" Maybe I will get hated on for saying this, but I always feel bad for kids tossed back and forth every ... [snip!] ... he gets the on the weekends, every other holiday, and a month in the summer? That is a pretty typical arrangement. Good luck!"


That was exactly why I was wondering if it was court ordered. Those kids are experiencing whiplash being shuttled back and forth between homes and parenting styles weekly. I feel bad for them and for the OP who can't maintain her children like she used to. Her babies need stability and SHE needs stability with them also.

*Turtles* Due July 27 (girl); 1 child; Someplace, UT, United States 6090 posts
29th May '13
Quoting castaway:" Maybe I will get hated on for saying this, but I always feel bad for kids tossed back and forth every ... [snip!] ... he gets the on the weekends, every other holiday, and a month in the summer? That is a pretty typical arrangement. Good luck!"


Eh, I can agree with you there. I have my son go to his dad's every other weekend and twice every week for a couple of hours.

gorgeouschaos712 2 kids; Hickory, North Carolina 596 posts
29th May '13
Quoting Drunk Blair Waldorf:" Is it a court ordered arrangement or just something you're doing off the books?"


It's an arrangement him and his family came up with on their own when he claimed he couldn't meet me halfway so I could get them one weekend. His father wrote it up, his sister notarized it, and his mom and brother in law witnessed the signatures. Technically it's not legal by any means because it was his sister that notarized it and it was something the benefited them. I am only going along with it until I can afford a lawyer. I mean don't get me wrong, if he was actually trying to be a parent to them and not a friend, I wouldn't have such a problem. But this puts me out to be the bad guy all the time.

gorgeouschaos712 2 kids; Hickory, North Carolina 596 posts
29th May '13
Quoting *Turtles*:" I can relate a little. You need to set rules for your children to obey when they're with you. Make them understand that they play by your rules when they're with you."


It's hard to get DD to understand with her only being 3. And DS isn't even 1 yet, so I know he doesn't.

MomDIA TTC since May 2008; 81 kids; Warminster, Pennsylvania 3812 posts
29th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Sierra-n-Brantley:</b>" It's an arrangement him and his family came up with on their own when he claimed he couldn't meet me ... [snip!] ... to be a parent to them and not a friend, I wouldn't have such a problem. But this puts me out to be the bad guy all the time."</blockquote>




It's not legal at all, has to be done through family courts and agreed upon there or signed by a judge when you cannot agree

gorgeouschaos712 2 kids; Hickory, North Carolina 596 posts
29th May '13
Quoting castaway:" Maybe I will get hated on for saying this, but I always feel bad for kids tossed back and forth every ... [snip!] ... he gets the on the weekends, every other holiday, and a month in the summer? That is a pretty typical arrangement. Good luck!"


I wish I could get him to agree to something like that! I mean this every other week crap can only last another year tops because DD will be old enough for pre-k/head start next year. Unfortunately with her birthday being in December, she didn't make the deadline age wise this year.

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
29th May '13
Quoting Sierra-n-Brantley:" It's an arrangement him and his family came up with on their own when he claimed he couldn't meet me ... [snip!] ... to be a parent to them and not a friend, I wouldn't have such a problem. But this puts me out to be the bad guy all the time."


I would go file for a custody arrangement. I wouldn't think you'd need a lawyer for a temporary custody arrangement until you get your divorce settled?

Mrs.Mud 6 kids; 2 angel babies; North Dakota 3279 posts
29th May '13

It's impossible. Just do the best you can while they are with you, and you have to let the rest go. I am speaking from experience here. My boys are now 8 and 6, their father and I divorced when they were 2.5 and 4.5. It will get easier as they get older and understand the rules better. They will learn that there is a difference between mommy's house and daddy's house. You have to remain firm and consistent. I struggled with that for awhile. I wanted so badly to just coddle them since I wasn't tucking them in every night anymore. It's so hard. But I learned that only made it worse. They love me just the same, even when they're upset with me. And I really struggle with feeling inferior to my ex... he kept the house in the great neighborhood with the big backyard and play set. He's got a trampoline and 4-wheelers. He lets them have a tv in their room. He lets them play violent video games and takes them to PG-13 and even an R-rated movie (Ted, f**k my life). But they love being with me regardless, even when they get mad and spout off about wanting to go back to dad's. Because children crave discipline and routine even if they don't realize it.
Anyway, enough of my short story. Just know that you are not failing and you are not a horrible mom. Best of luck!

gorgeouschaos712 2 kids; Hickory, North Carolina 596 posts
29th May '13
Quoting BoogsMaMa:" You are not a bad mom, and the behavior for your children is completely normal. At 1 years old your child ... [snip!] ... works best for the children so that they adjust better to their new lifestyle. Good luck mama and don't be so hard on yourself!"


Well see the separation crap is nothing new to DD. We got married six weeks before she was born, separated for the first time when she was 6 months until she was 10 month old, and then again when she was 13 months until she was 18 months old. Then I got pregnant with DS when she was 22 months old and I tried my hardest to keep us together until I just had enough when she turned 3. My relationship with her father has always been on the rocks, which is why I decided to give up finally.

castaway 2 kids; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 18750 posts
29th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Sierra-n-Brantley:</b>" I wish I could get him to agree to something like that! I mean this every other week crap can only last ... [snip!] ... pre-k/head start next year. Unfortunately with her birthday being in December, she didn't make the deadline age wise this year."</blockquote>




having a lawyer is VERY helpful, but you can still go to court and let them set something up more reasonable. Your children's best interest should always come first, and you don't want problems down the road with them, like you are experiencing now. You should file to be the custodial parent, and suggest something reasonable like I said before.