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_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
30th May '13
Quoting mommax3az:" My husbands brother is horrible with children... He is getting ready to marry his second wife in 3 years. ... [snip!] ... has always been favored and still is. My in laws are trying to pressure my husband into this...Any advice as what to do or say"


I don't think it's your decision at all, so I don't think you need to say anything to him. I think it's his choice. Now, it sounds like he doesn't want to, which I can totally understand and respect and eh should be upfront and honest about it if that is the case.

user banned 19 kids; Japan 4077 posts
30th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" I don't think it's your decision at all, so I don't think you need to say anything to him. I think it's ... [snip!] ... doesn't want to, which I can totally understand and respect and eh should be upfront and honest about it if that is the case."


personally i think as a married couple with a family, something as life changing as this she should have a say. i think it is definitely something they both need to decide on as a married couple. this is something that could completely backfire (as others have already mentioned) and affect not just him, but OP as well.

Coffee Milk 2 kids; Alaska 2089 posts
30th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" I don't think it's your decision at all, so I don't think you need to say anything to him. I think it's ... [snip!] ... doesn't want to, which I can totally understand and respect and eh should be upfront and honest about it if that is the case."


It IS part her decision, his actions are going to put HER family at risk! I believe she has some say-so, but it does need to be discussed like adults and both sides need to be heard

Coffee Milk 2 kids; Alaska 2089 posts
30th May '13
Quoting Mama Van D:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Coffee Milk:</b>" F NO> \not to mention he could be financially ... [snip!] ... down the road, putting HIS family (you and the babies) at risk! NOT WORTH IT"</blockquote> Holy shit, really?"


Yes! This could be a real shit-storm in the following years. espically given the background of the brother!

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
30th May '13
Quoting ℳizz ℊiz. :" personally i think as a married couple with a family, something as life changing as this she should ... [snip!] ... this is something that could completely backfire (as others have already mentioned) and affect not just him, but OP as well."


No, I think his sperm is his. If I wanted to donate my eggs my husband could give me his opinion, but it would be my choice. My body parts, my choice. My husbands sperm, his choice. I supposed I could understand questions about legally, if he could be gone after for child support or something, but otherwise? No. The DNA might be the same, but it would be the brothers kid. I think sometimes people feel they have too much power over what their partner can and cannot do. His body, his sperm, his choice. She can give her opinion, but it shouldn't be her choice.

user banned 19 kids; Japan 4077 posts
30th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" No, I think his sperm is his. If I wanted to donate my eggs my husband could give me his opinion, but ... [snip!] ... their partner can and cannot do. His body, his sperm, his choice. She can give her opinion, but it shouldn't be her choice. "


i never said it was her choice only. i said she should have some say in the situation and they should decide together as a married couple. marriage is a 2 part thing. a team. it's not about who has control or not. that is not what marriage is about. it's making decisions together. especially with how easy this could backfire and affect OP and their whole family personally. not to mention the strain on their marriage it will put considering how uncomfortable OP is with this. besides, from what OP says it seems like her husband would only even go through with this by being guilt-tripped into it by his family anyway. his brother should get his vasectomy reversed. it is not OP's husband's responsibility to provide his brother with a child. and for people to guilt trip him into it is horrible on their part.



that is just MY opinion on the issue.

Nae&Zoe's Mommy 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Red Deer, Alberta 666 posts
30th May '13

Umm well your inlaws need to mind their business because this doesnt involve them in any way. This is a decision for you and your husband. And I think if you are uncomfortable (which I think alot of women would be) he should respect that. I wouldnt want my husbands sperm given to my BIL wife.. Cause really technically it would be his kid, his responsibilty if his brother decided to bail again..

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
30th May '13
Quoting ℳizz ℊiz. :" i never said it was her choice only. i said she should have some say in the situation and they should ... [snip!] ... with a child. and for people to guilt trip him into it is horrible on their part. that is just MY opinion on the issue."


And I said that if he didn't want to, he shouldn't. It should be up to him. No, I don't think she should have a "say" in it. That *IS* control. She can give her opinion and he can take that into consideration (as any good partner would), but it should be his choice. His body, his choice. No one should force him into or out of the choice. It sounds like it would be a poor idea and he knows that, so hopefully he stands up to his family, as I said.

user banned 19 kids; Japan 4077 posts
30th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" And I said that if he didn't want to, he shouldn't. It should be up to him. No, I don't think she should ... [snip!] ... of the choice. It sounds like it would be a poor idea and he knows that, so hopefully he stands up to his family, as I said. "


i guess not everybody views marriage as i do then. 2 people becoming 1. making decisions together as one. making sacrifices for the other's feelings and vice versa. i have always seen marriage as a union. not 2 people doing their own thing because it's "their body their choice".

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
30th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Coffee Milk:</b>" Yes! This could be a real shit-storm in the following years. espically given the background of the brother!"</blockquote>




Could they come after him for child support?

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
30th May '13
Quoting ℳizz ℊiz. :" i guess not everybody views marriage as i do then. 2 people becoming 1. making decisions together as ... [snip!] ... vice versa. i have always seen marriage as a union. not 2 people doing their own thing because it's "their body their choice"."


You're right, I view my husband and I as two separate people who have decided to live together and work towards common goals. We are not one person.

user banned 19 kids; Japan 4077 posts
30th May '13
Quoting she nan igans:" You're right, I view my husband and I as two separate people who have decided to live together and work towards common goals. We are not one person."


there's a difference between being one person and being a supportive team. but meh. not gonna go back and forth. lol. what works for me may not work for others. i just personally believe if he goes through with this, it will be a huge strain on their marriage (considering how she feels about this) and will be nothing but unnecessary stress that could have all been avoided. hopefully he makes the best decision based on how it will and also could (if something backfires) affect his whole family.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
30th May '13
Quoting ℳizz ℊiz. :" there's a difference between being one person and being a supportive team. but meh. not gonna go back ... [snip!] ... hopefully he makes the best decision based on how it will and also could (if something backfires) affect his whole family."


And I agree with you here. It sounds like he doesn't want to either, so hopefully he stands up to family pressure.

Coffee Milk 2 kids; Alaska 2089 posts
30th May '13
Quoting Mama Van D:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Coffee Milk:</b>" Yes! This could be a real shit-storm in ... [snip!] ... years. espically given the background of the brother!"</blockquote> Could they come after him for child support?"


It really depends if he makes sure all his ducks are in a row and has a good lawyer, from begginning to end.
Its not something I would risk tho, because he could even end up with this child, say, if soething happens to the parents.
So many things could go wrong... not saying they will, but could.

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
30th May '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Coffee Milk:</b>" It really depends if he makes sure all his ducks are in a row and has a good lawyer, from begginning ... [snip!] ... with this child, say, if soething happens to the parents. So many things could go wrong... not saying they will, but could."</blockquote>




Yeah, I definitely wouldn't do it.