Reply
Mom is pushing me to move on...feeling stupid Jessica (Missing my Love) Due July 23 (girl); 1 child; Florida 14 posts
13th Jun '13

I know I should have reacted differently today but I am still hanging onto everything that reminds me of my fiancee. My mom came by with a new TV wanting to throw out my fiancee's and I got really upset and told her I didn't want her to touch his TV. I may have overreacted but just being put on the spot like that made me feel like I was giving up a part of him and 5 years of memories with him. It is just an item, but he loved that TV and was so proud of it, it takes a long time to turn on but it still works fine. I am just scared to get rid of his things, he would probably laugh at me for being so silly but I don't have much of his. In 6 weeks I will be having his baby and maybe then I will be able to put things into better perspective. My mom told me I have issues and that I need to talk to a professional but that is the last thing I want to do. I lost the man I love 4 months ago and I don't think she should be the one to tell me when I should let things go and get over him. She never liked him and she got rid of as much of his clutter the week after his accident. I have regretted it ever since, I can't even find a scrap of paper with his writing on it now. I should have just said thank you and let her hook up the new TV but instead I told her not to touch the old one and started crying. I feel like such an ungrateful jerk, who would cry over receiving a gift? So she left and said maybe she will come back tomorrow. I'm trying to act like an adult but I am so confused over what to do. I have to stand up to her to a certain extent but did I go way overboard?

ERMAGHERD BEEDS! 17 kids; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 4099 posts
13th Jun '13

Don't feel stupid, you need to give yourself as much time as you need to heal, and your mom should, too. I am so sorry for your loss. Just know there is no time table for when you should move on or when you should forget, your feelings are real and their your right. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you are able to find some comfort

user banned 33 kids; British Columbia 2986 posts
13th Jun '13

She was wrong, pushing you to grieve her way is just going to make it worse. You need to do things in your own way and your own time. If your not ready, your not just how it is.

user banned 21 kids; North Dakota 3800 posts
13th Jun '13

I'm sorry for your loss. DH's mom still has all of FIL's stuff as though hes going to walk in the door at any moment. She even goes to the church to use their stove because hers is broke and because FIL bought it for her she refuses to replace it. I do think that's unhealthy but in her case, FIL will be gone 11 yrs in July. I'd also never say anything to her...everyone grieves differently. If it were a case where she couldn't get out of bed in the morning because she was so depressed, I'd encourage her to seek help. I don't think 4 months is enough time to grieve anything, without adding to the fact that you're also pregnant and that comes with its own psychological joys. Go on in what you're doing and allow yourself the time needed. Nobody should be telling you how you should handle this.

user banned 21 kids; North Dakota 3800 posts
13th Jun '13

Double post...

user banned Due January 20; 33 kids; North Carolina 14662 posts
13th Jun '13

Your mom was in the wrong for that.
It took me 10 years 'move on' when I lost my love.
After the first 6 months, my parents said it was unhealthy for me to still be grieving, and wanted me to see a counselor. I told them that I didn't need a complete stranger to tell me that it was ok to feel the way that I did.
There is no set time line for something like that. You take as much time as you need.
Shame on your mom for not realizing that

Sunkissed. 2 kids; 1 angel baby; GC, IL, United States 4578 posts
13th Jun '13

I don't think you should feel stupid at all. It takes time to start feeling like yourself again after something major like that. I can only imagine losing the love of my life... I am so sorry that you're going through this. Take as much time as you need... One day, sooner or later, you'll realize you're starting to feel a little better, and it'll get easier from then on. Hang in there.



Try to remember that no one knows exactly how you feel and don't let them push you. Grieve as long as you need to.



I hope once your baby is here that he/she will help you... Just look into your baby's eyes and think about the good memories you had with your husband. I'm sure he's watching over you and wishing your pain would go away. He knows you love him and miss him, right now you just need time to get use to life as it is.



Best of luck to you. <3

user banned 33 kids; British Columbia 2986 posts
13th Jun '13
Quoting Pirate Hooker {BAMW}:" Your mom was in the wrong for that. It took me 10 years 'move on' when I lost my love. After the first ... [snip!] ... There is no set time line for something like that. You take as much time as you need. Shame on your mom for not realizing that"

I'm a big believer that you never truly finish 'grieving' it just gets easier to bare/bear(?)

SluttyForHubby Due December 12; 51 kids; League City, Texas 1798 posts
13th Jun '13

You're carrying his baby! A baby he will never meet but hopefully looks lie him! You will grieve a little bit through out life: milestones, prom, wedding, ect. If my husband died, no one could tell me to get over it! I do t care of it'd had been a year! You are entitled to as much time as you need! You're a jumble of hormones without grief, add grief to it... Ugh! I can't imagine! Big hugs!!!!!

Rebekah Garden x3 Due October 5 (boy); 33 kids; Fall River, Massachusetts 5223 posts
13th Jun '13

Your mom was in thee wrong. When my brother died, my dad told her to "snap out of it" and she has resented him ever since! It has been eight years in July. As long as your not harming yourself or others grieve your way!!!

bia. 2 kids; ., ., Portugal 74634 posts
13th Jun '13
Quoting ☆ ★ ☆:" She was wrong, pushing you to grieve her way is just going to make it worse. You need to do things in your own way and your own time. If your not ready, your not just how it is."


I agree!



So sorry OP, that must be very hard. :(

Just Niki 19 kids; Oregon 1456 posts
13th Jun '13

So sorry for your loss. Grieving takes as much time as it takes and it's different for everyone.

user banned Due January 20; 33 kids; North Carolina 14662 posts
13th Jun '13
Quoting ☆ ★ ☆:" I'm a big believer that you never truly finish 'grieving' it just gets easier to bare/bear(?)"


Completely true.
It came to a point for me when I realized that was holding on too hard, and wasn't giving DH and DD my all. It wasn't fair to them.
I will always remember him. I have my tattoos and other keepsakes, but I couldn't let him rule my life anymore

Riley+Abby Due October 4; 1 child; Toronto, Ontario 2420 posts
14th Jun '13

Hey hon...I just finished reading your story, and I'm sorry to jump in late, but I did have to say something.



Last August I lost my husband Colton to a car crash. I won't say that I know how you feel, because everyone feels differently about grief. It's something you have to go through in your own way. We had been married for almost 5 years, had been trying to conceive for about 3. I ended up getting pregnant with our little girl, and ultimately lost him just over 3 months before Abby was born.



I'm going to say right now...if I was not pregnant with Abby, I would've probably just followed Colt up to heaven...I will tell you this right now. That baby will be your lifeline. Trust me...in that baby you will see pieces of your fiance. There are days I watch Abby scrunch her nose, and have flashbacks to the same way Colton did it. Or I look in her eyes and see him staring back at me. The thing with grieving is that it's so easy to let it consume you. And there are days you need to. BUT when that baby comes, all of a sudden you have a purpose, and hope that wasn't there before.



As far as your mother goes, she needs to back off and let you grieve. I've been grieving for almost a year, and I cannot think about moving on at this point. It's not in me at this point. The thing is that grief changes you. When people want you to go back to the way you were before you lost their fiance, they're delusional. Grief rips you apart and puts you back together in a new way. You will never be the same. And your grief will never totally leave you. You will always remember. But you will learn to live with it, to hide it somedays.



Grieve in your own time. Let it hurt. Don't feel like you have to pretend you're okay. As far as getting rid of his stuff, don't. Not yet. I've gotten rid of some things, but there are many things of Colton's that I keep close. I still have his t-shirts (I still sleep in them), actually, pretty much all of his clothes. His necklace, a bottle of his cologne, his comic book collection, his baseball caps...I wear his wedding ring on a chain, and I even have his watch on the counter he would ALWAYS leave it on. It used to drive me nuts...Now I couldn't have it anywhere else. Keep him close for as long as you need to be. But don't try and forget right away, and don't let anyone tell you to move on already. Do it in your own time.

Jen Couch Due November 18; 2 kids; Fort Mitchell, Kentucky 2 posts
20th Jun '13

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. If keeping the items of your fiancee is what you want to do then there is nothing wrong with that and your mom needs to respect that decision. Talking to a counselor or support group after a loss can be helpful for some people. If you are not comfortable then don't push yourself.