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How do you do it (possible triggers) Charlie's Lovely Mommy 1 child; Granville, Massachusetts 1794 posts
22nd Jun '13

So this is very personal and may get long. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and abandoment issues from the childhood and my rape. The last 6 months it has become unbearable and caused me to relapse. I have gotten clean again, have had over 30 days, went to a mental hospital/rehab facility and am starting to make the right decisions for my beautiful child and I. The problem I'm having is that his father is also recovering and for some reason it's giving him the excuse to not pay child support and not contact or reach out to me about seeing his child. And the pain from my childhood from my father abandoning me is triggering me to be a crazy person. I just don't know how I should deal with this. I sent him a very reasonable email explaining my feelings and what I need to happen. I'm trying to get on disability and I have recently lost my job, so that I can either do partial hospitalization, recovery workshops, and intense therapy. I've been having a hard time finding a daycare for him (trying to get vouchers, and trying to get into headstart) and with me losing my job I simply cannot pay for daycare by myself. I'm at my wits end, and I'm also trying to raise this amazing little bundle of a human being who is developing and growing every single day and it's amazing and I need to be a complete and emotionally stable person so I can enjoy it even more. So what should I do about his father? Is it worth it to take him to court? I feel like I need to do something because the flashback emotions of not having my father are making me spiral and I need to not have that happen. Please any advice on PTSD, rape victims, checked out fathers would be so appreciated.

Sara❥ 1 child; Sumter, South Carolina 8621 posts
22nd Jun '13

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to offer virtual hugs. Sorry you're going through that.

user banned 2 kids; Bat Cave, North Carolina 64587 posts
22nd Jun '13

I'd just try to reason with him but I, personally would cut him some slack, since he's recovering as well and you know what he's going through.
My son's father has been gone since last month, he's in a rehabilitation type center for a year. I'm not upset, I'm happy he's taking the steps necessary. It's hard for everything to fall on DH and I but it is what it is kwim?
BUT if he refuses to reason or help financially when you're in need of it and this continues, I'd take it to court, I think.

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
22nd Jun '13

You COULD take him to court, and I would for the child support, but you can't force someone to be a parent. My kids' fathers are not in their lives and it's better than trying to force them and having them in and out of the kids' lives. Also you said he's recovering. He may not want his child to see him like this. Once he's in a better place, he might start coming back around again.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
22nd Jun '13

I delt with severe abandonment issues most of my teens and into my 20's due to my deceased father and alcoholic mother, I have also had severe PTSD after my sons fight with cancer, and I was raped at 13 years old. So I have an understanding where you are coming from



But I think my approach to coping with stress and life may be different than yours. At some point I just feel you (I) need to let go of what issues your parents gave you, and realize that I am an adult, and I am in control of where my life goes and how I feel and react to situations.



With the rape Ive delt with it a long time ago. I cant change what happened, I cant make it better or take it away, it is what it is, but its not on going. I am not in a vulnerable position, I am not young anymore, and I cant dwell.



With PTSD, I got some anxiety pills that helped a lot, but then I became pregnant shortly after getting the script so I had to stop taking them. I stay focused on the positives in my life, my sons life, my family. I take time each day (sometimes several times during the day) to reflect on what greatness I do have, things I would not want to miss, like a simple walk to day care with my son.




I think its up to us as adults and moms to be responsible for ourselves and how we let others damage us.



Im sorry to be blunt, but I dont think its fair to your BD or your child that yours past issues have any play in their relationships.
I think its always a good idea to go to court to establish custody papers and support. If you want to go to court in hopes of forcing him to be a good father, that is most likely not going to happen.



you know how it goes, take each day at a time, dont let yourself get worked up in tomorrow, next week, next month. Stay focused on today and what you can do today to improve today :)



Good luck mama

Kelly&Coralie 1 child; Rochester, New York 55156 posts
status 22nd Jun '13

You can't MAKE him be a father. You can't MAKE him be around. You can take him for child support but would it be worth it?



There is something that you will learn in therapy called "Radical acceptance". It just means that you accept something, without trying to change it, even if it sucks hardcore.



You also will probably not be able to get any kind of daycare because you are not working. I've tried. I'm on disability for mental health reasons and even with my appointments, classes, groups, and partial hospitalizations, I could not get any kind of daycare support. I had to rely on family and friends to watch Cora.

NopeNotGonnaDOIt 6 kids; Cuba 3000 posts
22nd Jun '13

sorry hun, you can't force someone to be a good parent. You can try and get the courts to make him pay child support but depending on his income it may not amount to much. Hope you get things figured out, good luck

Charlie's Lovely Mommy 1 child; Granville, Massachusetts 1794 posts
22nd Jun '13

Thanks everyone!!! I think I'm feeling really frustrated because I white knuckled detox on my own. I stopped dope completely one day and haven't looked back, I've been going to recovery, and I've been trying my hardest. My stupid psychiatrist won't give me the anti-anxiety medication that I need and I'm trying my hardest to get it. I think I wont be able to accept until I have done therapy for much longer (as I have only just started therapy again), it just bring back so much pain that I'm having a hard time dealing with but am working on it. It just seems unfair (and I know that life isn't fair) that I have to recover and deal with all of my mental health issues, while also caring for my child. And trust me I am doing my best with that boy. He is my reason for living and struggling every single day. I've gotten into the routine now of going on a walk with the back carrier everyday to this lovely field and park and playing with him, giving him tons of attention, teaching him, and loving him. But my mental health issues are holding me back some. I just don't understand why he gets a free pass when he's NOT going to NA, he's not seeking employment, all he's doing is just getting suboxone from his doctor and that's all he focuses on and obsesses about everyday. Ugh.

NopeNotGonnaDOIt 6 kids; Cuba 3000 posts
22nd Jun '13
Quoting Charlie's Lovely Mommy:" Thanks everyone!!! I think I'm feeling really frustrated because I white knuckled detox on my own. I ... [snip!] ... all he's doing is just getting suboxone from his doctor and that's all he focuses on and obsesses about everyday. Ugh. "


I dealt with anxiety for 16 years. Meds aren't what you need, they just mask your inner turbulence.. have you tried some cognitive therapy yet? It can really help you target your negative self talk that makes you feel anxious. I can read your post and see so much negative thoughts, it really plays a big role in how you feel emotionally.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
22nd Jun '13
Quoting Charlie's Lovely Mommy:" Thanks everyone!!! I think I'm feeling really frustrated because I white knuckled detox on my own. I ... [snip!] ... all he's doing is just getting suboxone from his doctor and that's all he focuses on and obsesses about everyday. Ugh. "


I agree that meds are not for you, you need to control your substance abuse before going on any. Or else you're just substituting one drug for another



You seem very jealous almost of him?? Do you really think he has it easier or better than you?
He is an addict, he is not involved in his childs life, and he is unable to get clean by going the proper route. What is there to be jealous of??
You need to focus on you, not him, you.

Charlie's Lovely Mommy 1 child; Granville, Massachusetts 1794 posts
22nd Jun '13

I believe I do need my meds. I've been on my concerta for a couple of weeks and that has helped A LOT with my organization and motivation. And just being able to have conversations with people. The anti-anxiety I really need too because the anxiety and stress from multiple rapes, abandonment, and neglect have made me actually afraid of people and hard for me to get close to anyone. It fills me with fear every day and it's unbearable. The fews days I've been on xanax have vastly improved my behavior and my outlook. Now i just have to find a doctor who will continue to prescribe it. I have experienced two rapes, one when I was 16 and one when I was 18. Nothing was done about it, and I'm having a hard time letting go. I just started intense cognitive therapy but I need something on top of that to keep me stable and okay. My entire life I have felt like nothing but a burden and something that has just had to be dealt with. I can't work when I feel like that. I am so f**king unloved. Which is why my son has helped so much, because he loves me unconditionally.

Kelly&Coralie 1 child; Rochester, New York 55156 posts
status 22nd Jun '13
Quoting Charlie's Lovely Mommy:" I believe I do need my meds. I've been on my concerta for a couple of weeks and that has helped A LOT ... [snip!] ... when I feel like that. I am so f**king unloved. Which is why my son has helped so much, because he loves me unconditionally. "



Some people need meds. I'm one of them. You might be too. Don't feel the need to explain it



But being that you're recovering, you'll be hardpressed to find a doc to prescribe you benzos. And Xanax? That is not somethign that should ever be given to an addict.



Hopefully you can find a combination of meds that will work well for you.

Charlie's Lovely Mommy 1 child; Granville, Massachusetts 1794 posts
22nd Jun '13
Quoting Kelly&Coralie:" Some people need meds. I'm one of them. You might be too. Don't feel the need to explain it But being ... [snip!] ... somethign that should ever be given to an addict. Hopefully you can find a combination of meds that will work well for you."


Yeah I hate that I have to constantly explain myself for the meds that I know that I need. And so far with my xanax because I know I need it I have not abused it whatsoever. I've taken the exact dose that they told me to because I do not want to lose the privilege of having meds that I need. I don't know what else to try. Benzos are my only hope right now. I have tried 6 other medications that sedate me but do not help me cope or keep my anxiety at a functional and reasonable level.

NopeNotGonnaDOIt 6 kids; Cuba 3000 posts
22nd Jun '13
Quoting Charlie's Lovely Mommy:" I believe I do need my meds. I've been on my concerta for a couple of weeks and that has helped A LOT ... [snip!] ... when I feel like that. I am so f**king unloved. Which is why my son has helped so much, because he loves me unconditionally. "


Believing it makes it so. Of course they can help, especially during difficult times of change. They do give you that happy go lucky feeling for the first little while. But think of them like a kick start, and as you re-train your brain to target specific emotional responses that occur with specific memories you will be able to live without meds. You'll also learn that how you talk to yourself internally or think about situations internally can affect your moods instantaneously. Never think "i can't", instead "I will try" never think "i'm scared to because" think " I will no longer be scared because..." don't think "I have felt like a burden" think "i was never a burden, I am extraordinary and can get through anything".
good luck momma

NopeNotGonnaDOIt 6 kids; Cuba 3000 posts
22nd Jun '13
Quoting Charlie's Lovely Mommy:" Yeah I hate that I have to constantly explain myself for the meds that I know that I need. And so far ... [snip!] ... have tried 6 other medications that sedate me but do not help me cope or keep my anxiety at a functional and reasonable level. "


Because it's your thoughts that need changing, not the chemicals in your brain.