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Are you fucking kidding me? Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
26th Jun '13

So last year SIL was dating a guy and it seemed to be going great, until he got back with his pregnant ex, and told SIL she was nothing but a wet hole (long story short).



So a few months ago she was dating her coworker's BIL, and he was super nice to her, blah blah blah.



WELL. She broke up with him, and got back with the ex. After everything he did to her, she got back with the fucking asshole.



So, ever since they've been back together, it's like no one else even exists anymore. She's so far shoved up her bf's ass. What pisses me off the most is that she never comes to see DS anymore, and he LOVES her. He said her name the other day while looking at her picture. But if we ask if she wants to come and visit and see him, she always has an excuse and it's always the same: she has no gas money.



Today, she was at home and was complaining to DH about how she had no gas again and wouldn't be able to do anything. So a few hours later, DH talked to her again and she had managed to make the 45 drive in her car that gets 16mpg to her boyfriend's house. DH asked her how she got the gas, and apparently her bf gave her gas money. Yet she was at MIL's not two days ago begging her to lend her money, and she can't be bothered to come and see her nephew anymore.



It just seriously bothersome that this dude treated her like total shit, and now it's like nobody else even fucking matters.



UGH. End vent.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
26th Jun '13

Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally has her abused. I would be careful on how quickly you judge her if you know what a smurf this guy is, it could be very reasonable to assume that he has some sort of control over her.

*Mary Moon* 1 child; New York 3601 posts
26th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally has her abused. I would be careful on how quickly you judge ... [snip!] ... her if you know what a smurf this guy is, it could be very reasonable to assume that he has some sort of control over her."</blockquote>




To a degree I wondered the same thing reading the OP. I suppose that could be a possibility. I would personally pick her up myself and pick her brain to make sure everything is ok. Even if not for the OPs sake, but so her DS can get some time with her. I would call her bluff and say get ready, I am picking you up. If she makes a new excuse than I would really really wonder what the hell her motive, be it abuse or what all.

mom of three 3 kids; Missouri 6192 posts
26th Jun '13

my step sister is EXACTLY like that. I told her that if she got back with her ex, then I was going to completely cut her out of my life. She got back with him and I havent spoken to her in almost a year

user banned TTC since Apr 2014; 2 kids; Middelfart, Denmark 15320 posts
26th Jun '13

Sounds like a typical abusive relationship. You should be more empathetic. It's going to get ugly and she's going to hit rock bottom when it ends. But it's going to get a lot worse before that happens. So make sure she has someone to confide in when that happens.

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
26th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally has her abused. I would be careful on how quickly you judge ... [snip!] ... her if you know what a smurf this guy is, it could be very reasonable to assume that he has some sort of control over her."</blockquote>




Oh he's nice enough to her as far as I can tell, and believe me, SIL doesn't take shit. If she's being treated badly, she gets the fuck out. She is happy with him (somehow). She's just pushing everyone else to the side. Hardly anyone sees her, and you have to twist her arm off if you want to.

Ms. Danielly Belly 51 kids; San Marcos, California 758 posts
26th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally has her abused. I would be careful on how quickly you judge ... [snip!] ... her if you know what a smurf this guy is, it could be very reasonable to assume that he has some sort of control over her."</blockquote>




Agrer with you. You would be surprised how just one person can control everything

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
26th Jun '13
Quoting Mama Van D:" <blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally ... [snip!] ... She's just pushing everyone else to the side. Hardly anyone sees her, and you have to twist her arm off if you want to."


And that ALL screams of an abusive relationship. Of course he is nice to her in public, you dont really think he is going to do something or say something to her with ppl as witness to it do you? And you will be surprised at how many times ppl have said, oh I never would have thought so and so woudl be in such a horrible relationship, they never put up with shit from anyone. Trust me, it happens to the best of them, and everything you have said speaks of her being in an abusive relationship.

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
26th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting *Mary Moon*:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" Maybe the guy is abusive and emotionally ... [snip!] ... picking you up. If she makes a new excuse than I would really really wonder what the hell her motive, be it abuse or what all."</blockquote>




I would pick her up, but I ACTUALLY can't afford to. I work and DH is a SAHD, we have rent, phones, insurance, and other bills today and have a super tight budget. She works ALL the time, lives with her grandparents (no rent), her phone is like $50/month, and the only bill she has is her car payment/insurance. Even MIL says she doesn't understand how she "never has money."



It bothers her too, cuz she never sees her daughter. BIL is still in high school and his bio dad is dead so he lives there full time and DH and I are at her house like, 4 times a week. But SIL always has a reason why she can't visit.



Like I said though, the fact that she can't even be bothered to see her nephew who absolutely ADORES her is what bothers me the most.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
26th Jun '13
Quoting Mama Van D:" <blockquote><b>Quoting *Mary Moon*:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed ... [snip!] ... said though, the fact that she can't even be bothered to see her nephew who absolutely ADORES her is what bothers me the most."


But your not getting what we are saying, its not that she may be INTENTIONALLY ignoring your son, she may be afraid to come over knowing that if she does she will be putting him indanger knowing full well what this man is capable of. Or maybe he has threatened her if she goes over there, the fact that she loves this boy, by your own admission and was over all the time prior to know, would be MAJOR flags to me that something was wrong if she all of a sudden sjust stopped.

user banned TTC since Apr 2014; 2 kids; Middelfart, Denmark 15320 posts
26th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mama Van D:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting *Mary Moon*:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed ... [snip!] ... said though, the fact that she can't even be bothered to see her nephew who absolutely ADORES her is what bothers me the most."</blockquote>




You're making this about you and your son. You're completely not understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
26th Jun '13
Quoting Red Bottom:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mama Van D:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting *Mary Moon*:</b>" ... [snip!] ... You're making this about you and your son. You're completely not understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship."


Exactly. Take a step back from being offended by her not coming around, and take a moment to think about why she may not be coming around.

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
27th Jun '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting **Blessed Insanity **:</b>" But your not getting what we are saying, its not that she may be INTENTIONALLY ignoring your son, she ... [snip!] ... was over all the time prior to know, would be MAJOR flags to me that something was wrong if she all of a sudden sjust stopped. "</blockquote>




They both lived with us the first time they were together. Other than the breakup, he was a super nice guy, we all had fun hanging out and he and DH were really good friends. We know him pretty well, he's not the abusive type.



DH said the same thing, if she was being abused she wouldn't stick around, and he knows her better than anyone. If anything, I can see him being manipulative. We both think he's cheating on her with his baby mama (we think he was the first time too). But DH also agreed that she wouldn't allow someone to tell her what she can and can't do. FIL tries to do that, he's really manipulative and mentally abusive and she just tells him to fuck off.



I just really don't think he's abusing her.