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how to explain an absent parent Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

I know I am years away from having to deal with this but how do you tell one of your children that their father didn't want anything to do with them. My daughter is only 2 months but things keep happening. My 4 yr old asked me why she didn't make a fathers day card or at day care they wrote her name but gave her my sons fathers name. His dad is an active parent and here as much ss possible but my daughters father doesn't even want to.meet her and I know one day that is going to kill me having to tell her.

Brity Brit 2 kids; Bedford, Pennsylvania 4847 posts
5th Jul '13

My DDs were 2 and 10m when their dad left my daughter is 4 now she ask what happen to him and I told her the truth that he's gone but that's his loss and we go thru everybody she does have ( grandparents, aunts, uncles) and she loves doing that. So I would just be honest but keep it in nice terms that's what her dr told me to do and she's fine with it now.

afantastic 2 kids; Dallas, Texas 588 posts
5th Jul '13

My son's school somehow did a really good job. I have a SO, and they made cards for their dads one week and I guess he just filled out all the info for my SO. My DS hasn't seen his dad in 3 years. He does ask sometimes if he can call his dad, and I just tell him I don't know his phone number. That seems to make him happy. Sometimes he asks to visit his dad and I just say I don't know where his dad lives. He really just seems to accept those explanations.



Maybe tell your daughter if she made a card you wouldn't know where to send it, but if she wants to make your SO a card instead he would like it. Probably a true answer, and children are amazingly accepting of simple straight forward answers.



I don't bother telling my DS that he probably won't see his dad again, I just don't talk about him at all. A lot of the time people give my DS my last name, but we make it a game and giggle at people's mistakes when they do that.



He really has no idea how last names work, so we just laugh at "silly teachers."



Those are just some of the things I do.

Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

Its probably going to be harder for me. My daughter has 2 half brothers and their fathers would do anything to spend whatever time with them as possible. When my sons dad is on leave he takes our son for a few weeks. Hes not her father and she will see her brother leave and i'll have to explain why she can't go too.

afantastic 2 kids; Dallas, Texas 588 posts
5th Jul '13

(Oh btw, I really don't know where DS's dad is. So it's completely not a lie that we couldn't call him.)

Mum to a Monster TTC since Jan 2014; 1 child; 5 angel babies; Colorado 11565 posts
5th Jul '13

I have gotten flack on here before for this but this is how I have approached it.



My son is 4.5 His Bio dad is completely absent. He never wanted kids I knew this and I had no intention of forcing him to be a father. If I wasn't required to petition him for CS( My son get's additional Medical Coverage from the state since he is Special Needs) I woudn't have. But I had to so when it got brought up all I said was.



"Your Daddy was not ready to be a Daddy when you were born, and that is ok. I love you and wanted you More than enough for me and him. And you are extra lucky becasue you have a Mommy, and Boppa(my dad), and V(My SO), and Morgie(My sister), ect.*I list off all the family* So smile because you have the most love of all and it's your daddy's loss for not getting to know you and see how Awesome you are."



That is the basics of it. I modify it to the situation but I put a positive spin of it like there is nothing wrong with it and you have no reason to worry. He normally sits and goes Ok mommy, and then goes back to what he was doing.

Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting afantastic (38wks):</b>" (Oh btw, I really don't know where DS's dad is. So it's completely not a lie that we couldn't call him.)"</blockquote>




Hers is right down the street.

Jeeper 1 child; Orlando, Florida 2287 posts
5th Jul '13

Honestly I would rather DD's dad was 110% absent than the in and out he does. It would be easier to explain than her being heartbroken over her daddy not coming to see her when he said he would :(

afantastic 2 kids; Dallas, Texas 588 posts
5th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Val3r13:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting afantastic (38wks):</b>" (Oh btw, I really don't know where ... [snip!] ... DS's dad is. So it's completely not a lie that we couldn't call him.)"</blockquote> Hers is right down the street."</blockquote>



Well, damn. That is rough. We lived in the same town for a while. Not even a big town, but after a few months of him sleeping on couches (and I cut off his cellphone) I literally lived in a small town and didn't know where he was.



Of course, it's been years now and we live 750 miles away.



But, being honest and simple is best. Children are pretty amazing. They "get" it and if you don't cause an upset about it they tend to just be sad about it and then pick up and move on.

Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

Thanks for the replies. Most days it doesn't bother me but then something sets it off. My best friend has him as a friend.on fb and that's how he found out she was born and then saw pics and starting saying that he wanted to be there for her. I didn't believe it but wouldn't stop him if he was serious. I really believe he said it because he was worried about paying child support. I told him from day 1 I didn't want his money and now that I think he actually believes it he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in her.



We don't talk now. Its easier for me but it bothers me when he likes all MY babys' pictures.

Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jeeper:</b>" Honestly I would rather DD's dad was 110% absent than the in and out he does. It would be easier to explain than her being heartbroken over her daddy not coming to see her when he said he would :("</blockquote>



Right after she was born he told me (texted we haven't actually talked since I told him I was pregnant) he wanted to be here for her snd I told him if hr decideds that he better not change his.mind and she wonders why her daddy doesn't want to see her anymore.

Jeeper 1 child; Orlando, Florida 2287 posts
5th Jul '13
Quoting Val3r13:" Thanks for the replies. Most days it doesn't bother me but then something sets it off. My best friend ... [snip!] ... pretend to be interested in her. We don't talk now. Its easier for me but it bothers me when he likes all MY babys' pictures."

Stop posting them so he can see them. He is the one losing out on everything. Having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me and these absentee fathers will never feel that joy. Relish in that he will never have the joy of hearing her laugh or seeing her smile or being called dada in that sweet little innocent voice. Also they are not her half brothers they are her brothers don't ever tell her any different she will figure it out on her own when she gets older but in the meantime they are her brothers and that is all she needs to know. When they go see their dad just simply explain to her that she gets to stay with you and they are going away for a few days. She won't even notice the difference because she is so young. Don't worry so much you will get to experience everything and he will miss it all that is all you have to think about every time you start to feel upset.

afantastic 2 kids; Dallas, Texas 588 posts
5th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Val3r13:</b>" Thanks for the replies. Most days it doesn't bother me but then something sets it off. My best friend ... [snip!] ... pretend to be interested in her. We don't talk now. Its easier for me but it bothers me when he likes all MY babys' pictures."</blockquote>



When I found out my DS's dad had fb I blocked him and as many of his friends I could find. (That was about 4 years ago)



He went on to create a new family and I'm not sure it would hurt my son, but it hurts me and I prefer to not be in contact with him that way.

afantastic 2 kids; Dallas, Texas 588 posts
5th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jeeper:</b>" Stop posting them so he can see them. He is the one losing out on everything. Having a child is the best ... [snip!] ... get to experience everything and he will miss it all that is all you have to think about every time you start to feel upset."</blockquote>



I agree with this. My DS knows he has a half brother with from his dads other family. We refer to him as DS's brother, and "it's sad he doesn't get to see him" and I am pregnant now and this is his "baby brodder."



One time he asked if his brother could come live with us once. I felt bad. I know his dad and his new family are heavy drug users, and I don't mean the friendly kind of drugs i mean the kind that makes your skin fall off... and I know his kid got taken away by the state. I do feel bad because I think his brother may be living in the foster system. :-(

Val3r13 Port Richey, Florida 20 posts
5th Jul '13

He's not on my fb but my best friend has him as a friend. We baby sit for each other and her son is 3 minths older than my daughter so if she takes pics of them she usually tags me in them so he can see them. Thats how he found out she was born. I wasn't going to tell him. I figured he knew my due date and knew how to contact me I'd leave it up to him.