I was getting so excited for a new baby. Little o would kiss my belly and say "hi dere beh beh".
Me and one of my bestfriends are really good at baking and decorating and were already planning a cake and stuff for a gender reveal party.
I was saving up money for all of the gear and furniture I would need.
I had o a big sister shirt.
We had a photography appt set up to get pictures of o holding the sonogram letting everyone know I was pregnant.
I had the most kick butt double-stroller picked out.
I was excited to know if beans was a boy or girl.
Who beans would look like.
What beans would be like.
And then I start spotting. Then slowly, I'm bleeding.
And I go to the doctor to find out that beans quit growing at 9wks2days.
The audio waves for heart beats is a flat line.
I was supposed to be 12wks1day.
So, I get home tonight, no cramping, nothing. I still had beans in me. And now I wake up in soooo much pain, I go to the bathroom and pee then plop. It was the size of my fist, easily. I know it was my beans. I'm just so heartbroken. And in pain and more blood and tissue just keeps coming.
I had to flush my baby down the sewer.
Everything I had hopes for and planned on us just gone.
And no one ever knows.
We wanted it to be a big surprise for everyone.
O saw me crying after the appointment and held my hand, kissed me, and said " no cry mommy" I explained to her that the baby beans is in heaven with wings now. And she kissed the sonogram picture.
I just feel so alone.
Like I don't want to talk to j about it because I know he's hurting too.
And o doesn't understand.
Sorry, I know this is all over the place.
My brain isn't working.
My mind is running a mile a minute.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a very hard thing to go through and It's not your fault. If you need to talk to someone about it a lot of us BG momma's are here for you.
im sorry for your loss, i can't even imagine the pain your feeling inside. :cry: you worded your post very well. there are lots of mammas on here who can relate to you and i'm sure would be only too willing to talk to you.
I am sorry, I know it's not easy and no one can say anything to help. I remember when we lost our first baby, knowing I had to flush it away killed me too. Between that and knowing that the pain I was feeling was the chemotherapy drugs killing it, so I didn't die instead, were the two hardest parts. To this day I still think about having to "get rid of it" by flushing a toilet sucks.
I hope over time you are able to make it a little easier each day.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I had a very similar experience last year. I had an ultrasound at 12w3d that showed my baby stopped growing at 9w1d. I carried my baby until the night I was 13 weeks and it was just an awful thing to go through. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I felt so alone aswell. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me. <3
Take heart dearie.another is on the way dont think,i can assure you,thinkless.
Thank you all so much.
I know I'm not the only one.
I know this happens quite often actually.
But I just feel alone.
I am so thankful to have a site like this to rely on and have people who have been through it be there to give advice.
Today, I'm sad. I'm gonna be for awhile tho.
But I just keep telling myself that heaven still needed their angel.
That god had different plans in store for us.
Then after thinking all that I get all sad and think god hates me.
His plans are for me to suffer in life. Like its a game of sims and he's trapped me in the pool with no ladder. And he's laughing at me.
But then I say the beautiful little girl he's already blessed me with. And I know it isn't true. That I am blessed to have her and the life I have.
I feel bipolar. Like its an emotional roller coaster.
It's like I'm trying to pick myself up and stay positive and yet, something happens and drags me down.
I'm going to do some PT'ing and get you mammas on my friends list so I know I can PM you or talk at a later date if I need to.
<3 thank you all so much for you kind words and support.
Quoting O's mamma:" Thank you all so much. I know I'm not the only one. I know this happens quite often actually. But I ... [snip!] ... list so I know I can PM you or talk at a later date if I need to. <3 thank you all so much for you kind words and support."
:( I wish I could give you a hug. It really is such an emotional rollercoaster.