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user banned 3 kids; Washington 15083 posts
24th Jul '13

My DH some times takes the trash out. I'm getting ready to start homeschooling on top of all of our appts.



He works and brings in the money and does work outside on the weekend. Really I can't complain because he does help out a lot IMO compared to a lot of woman I see on here, he does dishes on the weekend and will cook meals etc.



However, I do a lot of what was mentioned. I pay the bills. I make the phone calls. I get the tabs, I take the car 50% of the time for an oil change. He does his own. I take the trash and recycle out. Now that it's summer I scoop the dog crap in the yard every day multiple times a day and he does maybe once on the weekend- I care he doesn't. I mow the lawn 50% of the time.



I know he does so much away from home I fit it in when I can when I am home. So he's not stuck with housework every day he's off and in return I get breaks from my usual chores when he chooses to do things around here... Especially in the house.



So maybe he will allow you to deal with bills.. I always do them after the kids are in bed. And maybe you can get the tabs. And take the trash out.



Maybe write him a honey do list. And then it seems more thoughtful than bitching.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting ♫ boobook ♫:" My DH some times takes the trash out. I'm getting ready to start homeschooling on top of all of our appts. ... [snip!] ... can get the tabs. And take the trash out. Maybe write him a honey do list. And then it seems more thoughtful than bitching."


Your honestly a lot better off.



Mine does NOTHING unless I bitch and it hurts my feelings. I don't like treating him like that. But if I don't say something, like 30 times, it won't get done. Period. I really feel like I don't nearly 100% of everything around, and I mean it.



He mostly goes to work and brings home the money. And to him that makes him entitled to do nothing.



My daughter is even getting annoyed and I know it's because of me, but she's even started saying, "Why can't daddy just put his clothes in laundry room?" He just leaves all of his clothes every where.



I'm not his mom and he's not my kid. I shouldn't feel like I'm treating him like a child and be married to him. You know?

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

I failed to mention he can't even get out of bed to go work on time. I'm surprised he hasn't been fired. He's supposed to work from 8:30-5 pm, and if I'm lucky i can get him out of bed by 8:30-9 oclock. He can't even go to work on his own. ;( It's sad.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 19022 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" I failed to mention he can't even get out of bed to go work on time. I'm surprised he hasn't been fired. ... [snip!] ... from 8:30-5 pm, and if I'm lucky i can get him out of bed by 8:30-9 oclock. He can't even go to work on his own. ;( It's sad."


Then you need to stop doing everything for him, you are only aiding him by doing so. I am not saying get a divorce, but maybe leave for a bit and have him learn what its like to actually have to do things on his own again.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:" Then you need to stop doing everything for him, you are only aiding him by doing so. I am not saying ... [snip!] ... get a divorce, but maybe leave for a bit and have him learn what its like to actually have to do things on his own again. "


I can't leave because I have no where to go. I told him he needs to go to his moms for a while and just see what it's like without someone taking care of him and he refuses to go. He just won't go.



Because I think that just a week by himself would be good for him. To see how it is to take care of himself again but he won't do it. i have tried that approach.



Talking to him on the phone, he says he knows his behavior has been unacceptable but he hasn't said he's going to start trying to change it again.



The only thing I really ask for him to work on, is his seperation of work/school and family time. That's what i really ask for.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 19022 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" I can't leave because I have no where to go. I told him he needs to go to his moms for a while and ... [snip!] ... only thing I really ask for him to work on, is his seperation of work/school and family time. That's what i really ask for. "


Then try to find other ways to do it, dont tell him to go to bed, let him do it and when he is late for work, HE will be the one responsible if he loses his job. Dont fix him meals, he can make his own meals, dont wash his clothes, he can wash his own clothes. There are some things you will have to do on your own still, but things that involve him, just stop doing them, until he learns to be a part ofthe family more thanjust what is expected from him financially wise he can learn to do with doing those things on his own.

Jenny&Boopy Due June 26; 2 kids; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 7782 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" I think mine sees it as, "Oh she'll just do it for me so why bother?""</blockquote>




Yeah idk why they're like that. I seriously wonder myself how SO lived before me lol. Well I know being at his house before we moved in together was awful. He'd leave dirty dishes in the sink for a whole week until the next time I saw him, he didn't fold or put away his laundry just dumped it all in his closet, food was going bad in the fridge and he'd stick a whole pot of something uncovered in there. I was like :lol: ever hear of Tupperware? He lived off spaghettios and pasta. It was bad lol. About a week ago we took LO to a doctors appointment and he seriously yelled at me for not waking him up earlier than I did. I was like :x dude I'm not your mom set your own damn alarm. I got up and had to get myself and the baby ready and feed the baby. I was like usually I do wake you up early and you whine, not my fault you waited to get a shower until this morning.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Then try to find other ways to do it, dont tell him to go to bed, let him do it and when he is late ... [snip!] ... ofthe family more thanjust what is expected from him financially wise he can learn to do with doing those things on his own."</blockquote>




Have you ever had to do this? Because it makes you feel like shit. I stopped washing his clothes. I started putting the trash on the porch for him to find. I'll leave things in his office. And he still won't do it. Which is why I'm at my wits end. What else do you do when he still doesn't get it. How long do you do it for?

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 19022 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Then try to find other ways to do ... [snip!] ... won't do it. Which is why I'm at my wits end. What else do you do when he still doesn't get it. How long do you do it for?"


I have actually had to do it before years ago. NOT because he didnt help, but because he kept accusing ME of not doing enough. It did not take my husband long to see how much I actually do around the house.

user banned 3 kids; Washington 15083 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your honestly a lot better off. Mine does NOTHING unless I bitch and it hurts my feelings. I don't ... [snip!] ... I'm not his mom and he's not my kid. I shouldn't feel like I'm treating him like a child and be married to him. You know?"</blockquote>



I aknowledged that fact. But things haven't always been like this. I used to work a full time job and so did he. Then he would contribute nothing on his time off but play x-box because it's the woman's job to do everything, and when I say everything- I mean everything.



My solution to my problem was picking his x-box off the ground and throwning it to the floor when he was playing it- and I wouldn't recommend that, because we did get in a huge fight. But, it did work. He started spending less time on that and more time with me.



And even a few years ago he got back into old habits and I flat out told him I was done and getting divorce papers. He wanted to know why and I laid it all out in front of him. Then we had a long heart to heart about how to both be happier. And we also met and talked with another close Christian family together and we were both able to get good outside advice and feed back.



And it just got better slowly at first. But everything has been good since then, for the most part.



However, no relationship is perfect and what works for one person might now work for another. So, it's cool to vent on here- but real action and talking and communication has to happen between the two of you. And possibly a third neutral party.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" I have actually had to do it before years ago. NOT because he didnt help, but because he kept accusing ... [snip!] ... he kept accusing ME of not doing enough. It did not take my husband long to see how much I actually do around the house. "</blockquote>



Maybe I'll try it again for like a month and see if it works again. Sometimes it will work but not for long.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 19022 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting Just Ames:" Damn girl. I don't know what to say. You don't believe in divorce. You can't actually separate. You've "gave up" on doing stuff for him before.... I'm at a loss :?"


Me too, it seems to me she has done everything that needs to be doing, has talked it out, given up on doing stuff for him, I dont know really what else to tell her, except to I guess deal with it :( IF he is not going to change, and is not willing to work it out, then her only other option is to live the way they are living since divorce is not an option.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting ♫ boobook ♫:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your honestly a lot better off. ... [snip!] ... here- but real action and talking and communication has to happen between the two of you. And possibly a third neutral party."</blockquote>



I can't lie and say I've thought about destroying everything in his office. But since its related to work I decided not to.

WatchmansMoon Colorado 20 posts
24th Jul '13

Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have a great husband who is trying hard to provide for his family and is committed to you ~ these are wonderful things that many wives don't have, 2) You're not considering divorce ~ And that would be crazy, right? Talk about pain, stress and heartache, not just for you, but your kids! 3) You seem to be at a breaking point ~ though I could be wrong.
I'm wondering if you've asked yourself these questions: what can you give up to make this survivable (can the kids go to public school, or can you change curriculum to a less stressful or online program, etc.?) Your husband clearly wants to provide for his family and feels badly when he feels you have to (or want to) step in and do his job for him - so, have you discussed with him a job change, or does he fear losing his job and therefore is pressured to work OT at home? Maybe the boss is ok with him coming in late because he works from home so much that there's a trade-off? If he did lose his job, could he find another fairly easily, or could that be disastrous to your family and finances? Finally, husbands need to feel respected and honored, while wives tend to need to feel loved and cherished, so are you respecting and honoring him? Can you think of ways to encourage him in this way? Sometimes focusing on the negatives only ends up being more hurtful and destructive, while producing no change. Have you approached this problem from the positive side very much? Even when you feel he has many faults, telling him how much you appreciate and respect him for all his good attributes may spur him on to take care of the projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Me too, it seems to me she has done everything that needs to be doing, has talked it out, given up ... [snip!] ... is not willing to work it out, then her only other option is to live the way they are living since divorce is not an option. "</blockquote>




I'll probably try to reason with him again and most days it doesn't bother me because it will be a good week. But this time things have been piling up and it's stressing me out because I can't do it all. Not by myself.



And I think it's time he hears it from someone else other than me. It may be time to take him to counseling again. A counselor told us before the just living together as roommates is not a marriage. I wonder if he will like hearing it again.