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**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting WatchmansMoon:" Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have ... [snip!] ... projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!"



I like all of this advice except putting the kids in public school lol. That is just one thing i would never sacrifice. I feel to strongly about my kids being homeschooled to do that.

**Blessed_Insanity** 7 kids; Wyoming 18995 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Me too, it seems to me she has ... [snip!] ... A counselor told us before the just living together as roommates is not a marriage. I wonder if he will like hearing it again."


I def think counseling is a good idea.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting WatchmansMoon:" Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have ... [snip!] ... projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!"


We have been unsuccesful to taking him off his medication. Before he went on it, he started self medicating, he took all of my narcotics without my knowing, and he was drinking very heavily on top of it. It was before my daughter was born so about 4 years ago, but once I found out we had no choice but to put him on medication.



We've been through a lot of rough times and whenever I approach him, even after I blow up, I try to be nice to him. And I try to tell him that I understand he's working hard to try and provide for all the kids and all their needs. But that he needs to understand that it does them no good if he's not around to see them. And I stress to him strongly that what good is all the work, if he's NOT getting paid to do it? That's what I try to stress.



When I get him to separate the work from family life, things start getting done again. and that's what I want to happen again.



I've already told him that it's time for counseling again. Obviously hearing it from me is not helping and so it's time he goes back. Last time he did a few sessions by himself and then I came into it, and I think that's a good idea again. I wouldn't mind going a few times before together too, just to get it off my chest and put it all out there. But I think it's time again. He just needs to understand.

lolajessup 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44071 posts
24th Jul '13

Sorry Hun :( I'm kinda the one that's more like your husband in my family though. I am a workaholic and work at home a lot off the clock or stay late a lot. And Sam works part time and does most around the house. But since I've been home its been really different. He complained that I didn't put his clothes away correctly so I stopped putting them away and let them build up in the hallway. He took two weeks to take them to the bedroom an that was because people had kicked the piles over and were walking all over them. I refused to pick them back up because I had told him I was no longer putting them away. Ten he tried to make excuses like "well why can't you put them on te bed?" I said no, they were staying there cause all hrs probably do is set them on the flooring the bedroom instead of walking 5 feet to the closet lol. They centrally got put away. I like someone's idea of a honey do list. Maybe even a calendar that has what needs done each day. If he's like me I need everything written down because when I'm in work mode I have NO memory. I have 1000000 things on my mind and the little things like take out the trash are not my priority to retain.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Then try to find other ways to do ... [snip!] ... won't do it. Which is why I'm at my wits end. What else do you do when he still doesn't get it. How long do you do it for?"


Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think a third party would help you two maybe find the missing link here. I really think you need to learn to stop being so in control so he can learn to get in control

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:" Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think a third party would help you two maybe find the missing ... [snip!] ... find the missing link here. I really think you need to learn to stop being so in control so he can learn to get in control "


Wait WHAT? That is completely out of line.



If he can't function on his own, and I'm not supposed to take control? That's absurd!



Sorry but pretty much what you just told me is that it's ok for him to run our family into the ground and that I need to suck it up as a single mom and enjoy it.



I'm sorry but I didn't get married to be a single mom to 3 kids, a dog and a grown man.



And yes we've had a counselor before.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
24th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" Wait WHAT? That is completely out of line. If he can't function on his own, and I'm not supposed to ... [snip!] ... I'm sorry but I didn't get married to be a single mom to 3 kids, a dog and a grown man. And yes we've had a counselor before."


No, that is not what I am saying.



SO and I went to a counselor and I learned a lot about how communicating with a man can go right down hill when you take a womens approach.



You wont divorce. He's not changing. You have this 'Im a single mom, been there done it attitude'. All Im saying is what you two are doing, is not working, so you need a new approach.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:</b>" No, that is not what I am saying. SO and I went to a counselor and I learned a lot about how communicating ... [snip!] ... single mom, been there done it attitude'. All Im saying is what you two are doing, is not working, so you need a new approach. "</blockquote>




See our communication is fine. I really think is 90% him. On him.



A conversation with him can go like this



" honey I need help. Can you do the dishes?"
Him, " you want me to do them ALL?"
Me, "well yes but if you can't ill fill it"
Him, "ok. I have work to finish ill come back and do it"



An hour passes.
Me "can you do the dishes?"
Him "just a minute!"



Another hour passes
Me "there not done yet!!!" Now pissed off
Him, "I'll be right there!" Now getting agitated




Another 30 minutes pass still no sign of him. So I start going them by myself.



He comes running downstairs. "What are you doing? I said I was going to do them!!"



That's how EVERY problem with him goes. Any time I ask him to do anything at all. Sometimes things goes on for weeks and months.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
25th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:</b>" No, that is not what I am saying. ... [snip!] ... how EVERY problem with him goes. Any time I ask him to do anything at all. Sometimes things goes on for weeks and months.




rereading this....do you look outside the box?



Cause I see a few problems here on your side.



- you ask him multiple times. You should ask once, and leave it.



- you eventually do it.



-you ask him to do something you know hes not going to do.




Do you not see what YOU are doing is not working?

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
25th Jul '13
Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:" rereading this....do you look outside the box? Cause I see a few problems here on your side. - you ... [snip!] ... do it. -you ask him to do something you know hes not going to do. Do you not see what YOU are doing is not working?"


but to me that makes no sense.



How am I supposed to know if he's going to do it or not?



The way you put it, is that I basically should suck it up and just do everything myself and stop asking him to do things. He obviously can't do things on his own, even barely function.



He needs to be asked multiple times to do anything, even if it's to make a phone call.



Again I didn't get married to be a mommy to a grown man. He needs to do things on his own. If everything I'm doing wrong is on my end. Then that means I should expect nothing from him at all except sit around like the kids and make a mess.



And personally that's a bull shit excuse right there for a relationship.



So no I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. He needs to do things around here too. Not just leave it all to me.



The things I ask him to do apply to EVERYTHING, not just the dishes. This means I need to ask multiple times for him to mow the lawn, take out the trash, do ANYTHING, he can't do ANYTHING on his own. At all. It takes me almost 2 hours to get him out of bed and to work in the morning.



If it takes him 3 hours to complete one task how is that MY fault? And why when it's an important task such as going to work, should I not ask him to do that? I can't go do his job for him.



I personally don't think that him hearing it from me is helping, that I get. I don't know how else to approach him. I've already asked him to go to counseling and start figuring out what's wrong, even he acknowledges over and over he has a problem completing tasks.



Even right now my oldest son is yelling at him for something he promised to do with him on MONDAY. So this is something that isn't just between him and me anymore, it's hurting the kids now too.



I think he needs to go to a counselor, and I said I'd join him if he'd like.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
25th Jul '13
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" but to me that makes no sense. How am I supposed to know if he's going to do it or not? The way you ... [snip!] ... and me anymore, it's hurting the kids now too. I think he needs to go to a counselor, and I said I'd join him if he'd like."


I am not saying ANYTHING is your fault, you two are both not working this....KWIM? you have no answer, he has no answer, but what you ARE doing is clearly NOT working.



I think the only way to make you two work together is to see a counselor TOGETHER.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
25th Jul '13
Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:" I am not saying ANYTHING is your fault, you two are both not working this....KWIM? you have no answer, ... [snip!] ... you ARE doing is clearly NOT working. I think the only way to make you two work together is to see a counselor TOGETHER. "



How are we not working on it together?



I'm clearly trying to work with him and he's not working with me. That's pretty obvious.



How am I not helping him?



And your really confusing me because one minute, I shouldn't help him, then I'm not working on it together with him to fix the problem?



It's really confusing. Because I really believe I'm doing everything I can to help him. I really could just let him fall on his ass and bring our whole family down with him and then we can all be homeless together, but no I'm trying to help him with his problems.



Last time he went to a counselor first and I joined him later. And that time the counselor sided with me on his behavior, and I'm sure this time one will too and will give me better advice on how to help him so stuff like this doesn't happen again.

Mama Lizzy :] 1 child; Texas 5575 posts
25th Jul '13

He could be emotionally exaughsted as well as physically. He might feel insecure about not making enough money and not being able to provide adequately....that insecurity about wether he is a good provider can be a heavy burden for men. Maybe hes putting it off because he feels overwhelmed (emotionally)?



I would be careful how you word things to him....your reminders to get tasks done could make him feel even more inadequate ...kwim? Men can be easily cut down confidence wise by their wives.



Maybe try coming at him with more support/praise from what he already does....You might see more motivation in him

user banned 3 kids; Washington 15083 posts
25th Jul '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" How are we not working on it together? I'm clearly trying to work with him and he's not working with ... [snip!] ... and I'm sure this time one will too and will give me better advice on how to help him so stuff like this doesn't happen again."</blockquote>




Everyone is explaining everything out to you very clearly, but nothing is being comprehended.



Almost every single post you make on BG is pointing fingers at who is wrong, who hates what you do. How you can do nothing right. How you need to fix problems between you and so and so. It's a little rediculous. In my honest to god opinion, I think you need to see a counselor. Not just for you and your DH but for you in general. And it sounds like he needs the same thing in this particular relationship. Then maybe you two come together after awhile and work on your relationship together AFTER you work on each of you independently. It would probably feel really good to cross the bridge into you are a part of. And not you against the world.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
25th Jul '13
Quoting ♫ boobook ♫:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" How are we not working on it together? ... [snip!] ... independently. It would probably feel really good to cross the bridge into you are a part of. And not you against the world."


Wow. I mean wow.



That's just really well wow.



You don't even think maybe for a moment that I'm not on here enough to really put MY problems all over this site? I come in and out, and really don't post to much.



A lot of it is I don't have a whole slew of friends to talk to, which stems from another issue I'm sure you understand pretty well. So yeah, sometimes when I have problems with OTHER people, I post it on here for advice because I'm not sure how to handle it.



Counselors seem to think I'm a very level headed person, with a lot on my shoulders. They have recommended that with my burdens at home, and having an extremely difficult family to deal with, that it's a lot for one person and that I should talk to one more regularly than I do, but when I do describe said problems with said counselor, they always tell me I handle it very well for someone in my situation.



I think before you start judging at pointing the figure at ME. You should stop and think, "maybe this chick isn't really crazy at all. Maybe these things really DO happen to her."



And yeah, they do. And trying to explain them to people, no one believes me, everyone thinks I make them up, but this is my life, I have to live it every day. Why don't you just feel blessed you don't have a family and life this screwed up?