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user banned 3 kids; Washington 15083 posts
24th Jul

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your honestly a lot better off. Mine does NOTHING unless I b***h and it hurts my feelings. I don't ... [snip!] ... I'm not his mom and he's not my kid. I shouldn't feel like I'm treating him like a child and be married to him. You know?"</blockquote>



I aknowledged that fact. But things haven't always been like this. I used to work a full time job and so did he. Then he would contribute nothing on his time off but play x-box because it's the woman's job to do everything, and when I say everything- I mean everything.



My solution to my problem was picking his x-box off the ground and throwning it to the floor when he was playing it- and I wouldn't recommend that, because we did get in a huge fight. But, it did work. He started spending less time on that and more time with me.



And even a few years ago he got back into old habits and I flat out told him I was done and getting divorce papers. He wanted to know why and I laid it all out in front of him. Then we had a long heart to heart about how to both be happier. And we also met and talked with another close Christian family together and we were both able to get good outside advice and feed back.



And it just got better slowly at first. But everything has been good since then, for the most part.



However, no relationship is perfect and what works for one person might now work for another. So, it's cool to vent on here- but real action and talking and communication has to happen between the two of you. And possibly a third neutral party.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul

<blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" I have actually had to do it before years ago. NOT because he didnt help, but because he kept accusing ... [snip!] ... he kept accusing ME of not doing enough. It did not take my husband long to see how much I actually do around the house. "</blockquote>



Maybe I'll try it again for like a month and see if it works again. Sometimes it will work but not for long.

Just Ames 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Montego Bay, Jamaica 114793 posts
24th Jul
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Then try to find other ways to do ... [snip!] ... won't do it. Which is why I'm at my wits end. What else do you do when he still doesn't get it. How long do you do it for?"

Damn girl. I don't know what to say. You don't believe in divorce. You can't actually separate. You've "gave up" on doing stuff for him before....



I'm at a loss :?

Pregnancy Addiction Due August 10; TTC since Mar 2013; 7 kids; Wyoming 12152 posts
24th Jul
Quoting Just Ames:" Damn girl. I don't know what to say. You don't believe in divorce. You can't actually separate. You've "gave up" on doing stuff for him before.... I'm at a loss :?"


Me too, it seems to me she has done everything that needs to be doing, has talked it out, given up on doing stuff for him, I dont know really what else to tell her, except to I guess deal with it :( IF he is not going to change, and is not willing to work it out, then her only other option is to live the way they are living since divorce is not an option.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul

<blockquote><b>Quoting ♫ boobook ♫:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your honestly a lot better off. ... [snip!] ... here- but real action and talking and communication has to happen between the two of you. And possibly a third neutral party."</blockquote>



I can't lie and say I've thought about destroying everything in his office. But since its related to work I decided not to.

WatchmansMoon Colorado 20 posts
24th Jul

Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have a great husband who is trying hard to provide for his family and is committed to you ~ these are wonderful things that many wives don't have, 2) You're not considering divorce ~ And that would be crazy, right? Talk about pain, stress and heartache, not just for you, but your kids! 3) You seem to be at a breaking point ~ though I could be wrong.
I'm wondering if you've asked yourself these questions: what can you give up to make this survivable (can the kids go to public school, or can you change curriculum to a less stressful or online program, etc.?) Your husband clearly wants to provide for his family and feels badly when he feels you have to (or want to) step in and do his job for him - so, have you discussed with him a job change, or does he fear losing his job and therefore is pressured to work OT at home? Maybe the boss is ok with him coming in late because he works from home so much that there's a trade-off? If he did lose his job, could he find another fairly easily, or could that be disastrous to your family and finances? Finally, husbands need to feel respected and honored, while wives tend to need to feel loved and cherished, so are you respecting and honoring him? Can you think of ways to encourage him in this way? Sometimes focusing on the negatives only ends up being more hurtful and destructive, while producing no change. Have you approached this problem from the positive side very much? Even when you feel he has many faults, telling him how much you appreciate and respect him for all his good attributes may spur him on to take care of the projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul

<blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Me too, it seems to me she has done everything that needs to be doing, has talked it out, given up ... [snip!] ... is not willing to work it out, then her only other option is to live the way they are living since divorce is not an option. "</blockquote>




I'll probably try to reason with him again and most days it doesn't bother me because it will be a good week. But this time things have been piling up and it's stressing me out because I can't do it all. Not by myself.



And I think it's time he hears it from someone else other than me. It may be time to take him to counseling again. A counselor told us before the just living together as roommates is not a marriage. I wonder if he will like hearing it again.

Pregnancy Addiction Due August 10; TTC since Mar 2013; 7 kids; Wyoming 12152 posts
24th Jul
Quoting WatchmansMoon:" Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have ... [snip!] ... projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!"



I like all of this advice except putting the kids in public school lol. That is just one thing i would never sacrifice. I feel to strongly about my kids being homeschooled to do that.

Pregnancy Addiction Due August 10; TTC since Mar 2013; 7 kids; Wyoming 12152 posts
24th Jul
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Me too, it seems to me she has ... [snip!] ... A counselor told us before the just living together as roommates is not a marriage. I wonder if he will like hearing it again."


I def think counseling is a good idea.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul
Quoting WatchmansMoon:" Wow, sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Several things are clear, however: 1) You seem to have ... [snip!] ... projects that concern you, and they may save him from the need to take his anti-depressant meds too! Hugs and blessings to you!"


We have been unsuccesful to taking him off his medication. Before he went on it, he started self medicating, he took all of my narcotics without my knowing, and he was drinking very heavily on top of it. It was before my daughter was born so about 4 years ago, but once I found out we had no choice but to put him on medication.



We've been through a lot of rough times and whenever I approach him, even after I blow up, I try to be nice to him. And I try to tell him that I understand he's working hard to try and provide for all the kids and all their needs. But that he needs to understand that it does them no good if he's not around to see them. And I stress to him strongly that what good is all the work, if he's NOT getting paid to do it? That's what I try to stress.



When I get him to separate the work from family life, things start getting done again. and that's what I want to happen again.



I've already told him that it's time for counseling again. Obviously hearing it from me is not helping and so it's time he goes back. Last time he did a few sessions by himself and then I came into it, and I think that's a good idea again. I wouldn't mind going a few times before together too, just to get it off my chest and put it all out there. But I think it's time again. He just needs to understand.

lolajessup Due July 25; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44057 posts
24th Jul

Sorry Hun :( I'm kinda the one that's more like your husband in my family though. I am a workaholic and work at home a lot off the clock or stay late a lot. And Sam works part time and does most around the house. But since I've been home its been really different. He complained that I didn't put his clothes away correctly so I stopped putting them away and let them build up in the hallway. He took two weeks to take them to the bedroom an that was because people had kicked the piles over and were walking all over them. I refused to pick them back up because I had told him I was no longer putting them away. Ten he tried to make excuses like "well why can't you put them on te bed?" I said no, they were staying there cause all hrs probably do is set them on the flooring the bedroom instead of walking 5 feet to the closet lol. They centrally got put away. I like someone's idea of a honey do list. Maybe even a calendar that has what needs done each day. If he's like me I need everything written down because when I'm in work mode I have NO memory. I have 1000000 things on my mind and the little things like take out the trash are not my priority to retain.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
24th Jul
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Pregnancy Addiction:</b>" Then try to find other ways to do ... [snip!] ... won't do it. Which is why I'm at my wits end. What else do you do when he still doesn't get it. How long do you do it for?"


Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think a third party would help you two maybe find the missing link here. I really think you need to learn to stop being so in control so he can learn to get in control

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul
Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:" Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think a third party would help you two maybe find the missing ... [snip!] ... find the missing link here. I really think you need to learn to stop being so in control so he can learn to get in control "


Wait WHAT? That is completely out of line.



If he can't function on his own, and I'm not supposed to take control? That's absurd!



Sorry but pretty much what you just told me is that it's ok for him to run our family into the ground and that I need to suck it up as a single mom and enjoy it.



I'm sorry but I didn't get married to be a single mom to 3 kids, a dog and a grown man.



And yes we've had a counselor before.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
24th Jul
Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" Wait WHAT? That is completely out of line. If he can't function on his own, and I'm not supposed to ... [snip!] ... I'm sorry but I didn't get married to be a single mom to 3 kids, a dog and a grown man. And yes we've had a counselor before."


No, that is not what I am saying.



SO and I went to a counselor and I learned a lot about how communicating with a man can go right down hill when you take a womens approach.



You wont divorce. He's not changing. You have this 'Im a single mom, been there done it attitude'. All Im saying is what you two are doing, is not working, so you need a new approach.

......................... Oregon 14226 posts
24th Jul

<blockquote><b>Quoting A Beautiful Disaster:</b>" No, that is not what I am saying. SO and I went to a counselor and I learned a lot about how communicating ... [snip!] ... single mom, been there done it attitude'. All Im saying is what you two are doing, is not working, so you need a new approach. "</blockquote>




See our communication is fine. I really think is 90% him. On him.



A conversation with him can go like this



" honey I need help. Can you do the dishes?"
Him, " you want me to do them ALL?"
Me, "well yes but if you can't ill fill it"
Him, "ok. I have work to finish ill come back and do it"



An hour passes.
Me "can you do the dishes?"
Him "just a minute!"



Another hour passes
Me "there not done yet!!!" Now pissed off
Him, "I'll be right there!" Now getting agitated




Another 30 minutes pass still no sign of him. So I start going them by myself.



He comes running downstairs. "What are you doing? I said I was going to do them!!"



That's how EVERY problem with him goes. Any time I ask him to do anything at all. Sometimes things goes on for weeks and months.