This is my dad. He committed suicide on July 25, 2002, 11 years ago today. Ill never understand why my dad chose to take his own life and I will always wonder if I could have done something to prevent him from doing what he did, but in my heart I know that he just had too many demons and as strong as I wish he could have been he just wasn't. I hurt thinking about the things he has missed out on and the things he will miss out on in my life.. being a grandfather (he would have LOVED his grand kids more than life) meeting my amazing husband and getting to know and love him, walking me down the aisle, finding more than enough reasons to be proud of the person I have become (I've come a LONG way since he died) I could go on and on about the things he should be here for but in the end, those things wont bring him back. I haven't completely come to terms with my dad's death, I'm sure I never will, but I have pretty awesome memories that I can share with my children and think back on when I miss him. I just wish he knew how much he was loved and how much we all would have liked to have had him around for the long haul. It's nice to look back and remember him for all that he was, good and bad, The funny and outrageous things he would do or the insane and crazy stories he'd share. The time he painted the master bedroom blue when my mom went to New York for business, when I say painted the room I mean everything...the blinds, the closet, the window, the door jams -- He hated to be away from my mom if even for a short amount of time. It's funny now but those things would drive me crazy then because he would always recruit me to help him in all the batshit plans he'd make. Like when he wanted to skin his iguana's and line his leather jacket but they weren't big enough yet so we had to "plump them up" -- the only problem was that those f**king iguanas hated him and they would whip him with their tails every time he got near the cage (maybe they knew what he had planned for them?) so I had to feed them, and clean the cage and take care of them and I hated them! lol He never did line his leather jacket with those iguanas...I'm pretty sure he had moved onto something else way before they were big enough to accomplish the look he was going for. There are so many great stories I could share, there are also some really bad stories as well, but I don't think about the bad...only the good because that's all that matters. This year is especially hard for me because this is the first year without my dad that I am also without my grandma who I would already be on the phone with if she were here. We talked all the time as it was but today, today would have been nice to hear her voice. I miss them both like crazy and think about them all the time. Rest easy Papadukes and Mae Mae. We love you and hold you both in our hearts forever.
glad you can dwell on the goodtimes :) memories are so important.
I'm sorry Hun. I also lost my dad due to suicide. I hope you can find peace one day. It is hard. I'm still working in it as well and it's been a lot longer for me and I have no memories to cherish. *hugs*