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Need advice. Gosloving 1 child; Washington 12831 posts
1st Aug '13

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE!
This is a conversation I had with my teenage SIL. I don't know if I handled it right, maybe I was too blunt? Said the wrong things? HELP ME!



SIL - "What does it mean when a guy takes u to his house to meet his family and show u arround the house"



Me - "Depends. Are you his girlfriend, how long have you been with him? It can either men he really likes you or just wants to have sex with you."



SIL - "Weve been dating for two days and his beothers told me to tell them if he hurts me or anything ha and he took me to the fair and payed for me and bought me stuff lol and if he uses me he aint gunna get nuthong -.-"



ME - "That was nice of him. Did you have fun?
Keep that set of mind. DO NOT HAVE SEX. Remember that if he really likes you, he will wait for you. Plus you're too young & you don't want to get pregnant, get an STD or anything. Does he know your mom? Does your mom know of him?"



SIL - "Yeah ...and Yeah we didnt get on rides cuz it was scary haha and i know that and no but he wants to meet her so tommorrow hes gunna come over and meet my mom and dad lol"



ME - "Who was scared? You or him? Are you nervous, do you think your mom & dad will approve of him?"



SIL - "I was scared so we didnt get on and no not really they said they just need to know him and wont judge him"



ME - "That is great. At least your parents will know of you two & you won't have to hide it when you go out with him. Good for you though, you're doing things the right way. Better than (DH's name) and I ever did, lol."



Reading this, I feel like I'm saying all the wrong things. I'm so nervous though. We don't live near each other and I have not talked to her in a while. She's also been through a lot & well I just want to be there for her. Her mom works a lot so she kind of doesn't really have anyone to talk to over there. I don't know if it's still going on but the last time we talked, she told me she was getting bullied by the other girls. They were physically abusing her (pushing her, hitting her, bumping into her, throwing stuff at her, pulling her hair, putting gum in her hair, etc.), and verbally abusing her, (calling her a slut, a b***h, wh**e, every name in the book). They also mess with her property, they threw eggs in her locker, they ripped her binder. Countless other things.



I just want to give her the best advice possible.



PLEASE DON'T QUOTE!

Kaitlyn Y. 1 child; Wildwood, Florida 81 posts
1st Aug '13

I think you said everything just fine. You're trying to be there, and be a friend. So act like one, don't sweat too much about of you're saying the wrong thing, say what comes naturally!!

B&V Nevada 424 posts
1st Aug '13

I don't think you said the wrong things but I do think you need to talk to her about abuse in relationships. Why would his brother tell her to say something if he hurts her?!

ღSheila Lynnღ 3 kids; Weed, California 47383 posts
1st Aug '13

Sounds okay to me. :-)

Something Original [TM] Due March 13 (boy); 1 child; Washington 111 posts
1st Aug '13

I think it sounds fun, not overbearing. How old is she?

Housewife & Co 1 child; Washington, District of Columbia 600 posts
1st Aug '13

I always tell my sisters that they SHOULD wait & I tell them the importance of it, etc but I tell them that if they cannot wait & decide they're ready that they should let me know (my mom would kill them so they can't tell her) & that ill answer any questions/get them on BC. I def push for abstinence but make sure that they know they can come talk to me if anything were to occur

[Gryffinwhore♥] Due March 3; 34 kids; Poulsbo, Washington 32779 posts
status 1st Aug '13

Sounds good to me. You encouraged her to wait to have sex, and you encouraged her to tell the truth. Both good things.

Gosloving 1 child; Washington 12831 posts
1st Aug '13
Quoting B&V:" I don't think you said the wrong things but I do think you need to talk to her about abuse in relationships. Why would his brother tell her to say something if he hurts her?!"


Good question. Maybe I should ask her if there is a reason why his brothers said that. When I read it, I just figured they meant like playing around. Being friendly. DH's older brothers used to tell me that all the time. Not because he was violent or anything but sort of like a welcome to the family, kind of thing? IDK.

Kaitlyn Y. 1 child; Wildwood, Florida 81 posts
1st Aug '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Now and Forever:</b>" Good question. Maybe I should ask her if there is a reason why his brothers said that. When I read it, ... [snip!] ... me that all the time. Not because he was violent or anything but sort of like a welcome to the family, kind of thing? IDK. "</blockquote>



All the kids, teens say that! Normally it means emotionally hurt. Not abuse. But you could still ask her just incase

Gosloving 1 child; Washington 12831 posts
1st Aug '13

She's 14 by the way. She's very excited because she's had a crush on this guy since she was in middle school and he finally asked her out. She's telling me that they officially met when she was transferred to her advanced placement classes. :D

Gosloving 1 child; Washington 12831 posts
1st Aug '13
Quoting Kaitlyn Y.:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Now and Forever:</b>" Good question. Maybe I should ask her ... [snip!] ... All the kids, teens say that! Normally it means emotionally hurt. Not abuse. But you could still ask her just incase"


That's what I was thinking, lol. I will still talk to her though. Better safe then sorry, right? :wink:

FroggysMommy 1 child; Golden, Colorado 26783 posts
1st Aug '13
Quoting Now and Forever:" PLEASE DON'T QUOTE! This is a conversation I had with my teenage SIL. I don't know if I handled it right, ... [snip!] ... they ripped her binder. Countless other things. I just want to give her the best advice possible. PLEASE DON'T QUOTE!"


I think you did fine... I feel bad for her being bullied though :( My niece has crushes and I honestly am afraid for my niece to be knocked up soon... literally if she makes it to 16 Ill be shocked. But I had a conversation on fb with her about boys and it kind of made me sad... she was talking about how shes not pretty and wants to look like Selena Gomez and dress older and all this stuff and I said "Buggy... you are a kid. You are entering your first year of middle school. Boys can wait, dont wish you were someone else because you are great the way you are. But boys shouldnt be your focus... you need to focus on having fun, go and get dirty by playing outside and have fun doing it and dont care if some stupid boy makes fun of you." She wanted to wear makeup and called my sister mean for it, she was doing all this other stuff and I just wanted to beat her over the head and yell at her to stop wanting to grow up so fast, shes a damn baby still!



And then here is my almost 10 year old that still loves to play with pet shops and my little pony. And she doesnt care what her friends say when they call that stuff babyish. I hope she never grows out of that.

Jax 3 kids; Sydney, NS, Australia 2888 posts
1st Aug '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting FroggysMommy:</b>" I think you did fine... I feel bad for her being bullied though :( My niece has crushes and I honestly ... [snip!] ... my little pony. And she doesnt care what her friends say when they call that stuff babyish. I hope she never grows out of that."</blockquote>




You might want to un quote.



OP I think you said the right things, and you were straight forward but not overly blunt.

Kathleen C Japan 10 posts
1st Aug '13

Whatever you said is right and was meant to advise her. But also try understanding her point of view.