Reply
♛Queen Boo♛ 2 kids; United Kingdom 2529 posts
9th Aug '13

Wow, OP. The message you sent to that poor woman was out of order, no matter how toy try and cover it up now.



Seen as you have 6 kids, I hardly would say you have fertility issues, far from it!

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
9th Aug '13
Quoting she nan igans:" Yeah, OP, no one ignores your advice just because you have children. They are ignoring your advice because ... [snip!] ... God's Will. It comes across as condescending, which is even WORSE when they'd probably kill to be where you are, with 6 kids."


My idea of Gods will and ''rethinking things'' was not to dismiss the idea of IVF but to take some time to explore options of funding(personnel loans, credit cards, medical care credit, charity, fundraising & such) Explore different clinics guarentees w/payment to outcome ratios, different drs success rates, ect....
Mainly not to despair because the current dr quotes a price of $17,000 that at the moment is out of the question due to current circumstances.
My comment was never meant to intend that God's will didn't include the procedure , just that God's will may include a different route of obtaining the procedure than the current dr & rate he is offering.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
9th Aug '13
Quoting ♛Queen Boo♛:" Wow, OP. The message you sent to that poor woman was out of order, no matter how toy try and cover it up now. Seen as you have 6 kids, I hardly would say you have fertility issues, far from it!"



If you read the whole thread you would see that it is my dh w/the fertility issues. It took over a year of ttc to learn that it was him w/the issue (a childhood case of the mumps affected his ability to reproduce) And another year to afford the treatment long enough to see improvement and conceive. Once he was steadily medicated it corrected the issue for the time being but still to this day without medication that cost several hundreds of dollars a month he cannot reproduce. If he goes too long w/o out the meds he can barely function on a daily basis(depression ,anxiety, fatigue, etc...) so its not just his fertility that is affected by the disorder.

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
9th Aug '13

Meh - people think things like this all the time. My issue with mc's are actually an issue Dh has...not me at all. YET, despite that, no one would ever suspect that & *I* have it listed in MY medical record that *I* am a "habitual aborter" because medically, the mc's happened to ME, even if they were due to issues with the sperm. Not only that, but once i had my oldest, people all seem to want to assume that from there on out & "have no problems' with pregnancy, as if one good luck of the draw, literally, means it's all smooth sailing. I have told them what the diagnosis is, but no one ever listens. They say stupid things like "just relax & when you least expect it, that is when it happens"...what? No, that actually has nothing to do with it. And this baby on the way LOOKS good & our odds are great that it will be fine, but they still don't seem to get it that there is no guarantee, even at this point. The anatomy scan really will be far more conclusive on what the odds are.



People base their ideas on what their impression of the majority is over that "type" of situation. With recurrent miscarriages, people are used to diagnoses like maybe low progesterone,t hat can be controlled & monitored, not crap like I have that literally cannot be helped except by IVF with PGD. Most of them would have NO clue what PGD was if you even mentioned it.



So I quit haring anything about pregnancy with anyone & then they wonder why. LOL Most people have no clue I've had the number of losses I've had. It was mcuh more hassle & heartache to explain it than to just smile & nod.

Booger & Bubba's Mommy 18 kids; Illinois 8136 posts
10th Aug '13

A home who has 6 kids + 1 on the way isn't infertile & acting like you are is just ignorance in the extreme. At the very most you are having trouble TTC, you are not infertile.



Talking to someone about being infertile & bringing god into it is wrong. It is not okay for you to tell someone what they should do & if they should pursue IVF. If you think it is then maybe your husband shouldnt be allowed his medication to keep you pregnant. I mean you do have 6kids & are having another, yet want to tell someone not to try to have one. It's sickening seeing people push their own beliefs on others.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting Booger & Bubba's Mommy:" A home who has 6 kids + 1 on the way isn't infertile & acting like you are is just ignorance in the extreme. ... [snip!] ... having another, yet want to tell someone not to try to have one. It's sickening seeing people push their own beliefs on others."


I never said not to pursue ivf......or any other procedures, just to think carefully b4 committing to a procedure w/o researching other clinics and doctors that may be more financially affordable , ones that offer a payment upon success option, several cycles for 1 price, ect ....or looking into charity/funding options. Being fully prepared and informed can save a couple from extra stress during a already stressful situation. Health care is a business and sometimes you need to ''shop around'' to find a dr to fit your specific needs. I don't see how its wrong to suggest someone take some time to go over their options....... Just because IVF is the next step in someones journey doesn't mean they have to utilize the first dr that offers their services.

Booger & Bubba's Mommy 18 kids; Illinois 8136 posts
10th Aug '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting 6 blessings so far....:</b>" I never said not to pursue ivf......or any other procedures, just to think carefully b4 committing to ... [snip!] ... because IVF is the next step in someones journey doesn't mean they have to utilize the first dr that offers their services."</blockquote>




No, you never said to look into other ways to do IVF. You said & I quoted from your PM to her.



"There is a major differences between utilizing God giving medical procedures to correct physical issues reguarding fertility & attempting to create life. I am not trying to be judgemental or push my personnel convictions on anyone. "



This right here makes it look like you are against IVF. It was rude to send in general. How dare you tell someone who has no children (WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR 7th ON THE WAY) that they shouldn't use some method to achieve what you have many many times.




You are not infertile, you have no way of knowing how she feels & this was ignorant. Even if you were infertile her feelings are not yours & you have no right to dictate how she lives her life & deals with her infertility.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
10th Aug '13

'' Major difference '' didn't mean right or wrong.... it meant major difference
-major difference physically
-major difference emotionally
-major difference financially.......than the things she has already attempted(that I read about in her other post).
I didn't realize initially that I had to elaborate every statement for it to be understood the way I meant it to be.
I added the part of not trying to be judgemental and such to clarify so that my statement b4 it wouldn't be taken out of context but apparent it somehow helped create the confusion...... :( *lesson learned on my part *

user banned 21 kids; North Dakota 3800 posts
10th Aug '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting 6 blessings so far....:</b>" '' Major difference '' didn't mean right or wrong.... it meant major difference -major difference physically ... [snip!] ... it wouldn't be taken out of context but apparent it somehow helped create the confusion...... :( *lesson learned on my part *"</blockquote>



I think the bottom line is that you really haven't "struggled" with fertility and for you to say that you have and offer advice to someone who truly is while you're pregnant with your 7th child is offensive, whether you were trying to be helpful or not.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting *Mayhem*:" <blockquote><b>Quoting 6 blessings so far....:</b>" '' Major difference '' didn't mean ... [snip!] ... to someone who truly is while you're pregnant with your 7th child is offensive, whether you were trying to be helpful or not."


I consider the first 2yrs of unsuccessful ttc w/my dh after having a previous successful pregnancy b4 him (& the several yrs between some of my children , when we either couldn't afford his meds or couldn't find the right ratio to be successful again) as struggling w/fertility issues. Although the infertility was on my husbands part , we both struggled w/not getting pregnant in a timely manner. And didn't achieve the goal of a baby w/out testing and medicinal intervention and still currently need the testing & medicinal intervention to conceive. Is it only considered infertility if a woman needs hormone therapy and clomid to get pregnant & not if its the man that needs clomid and hormone therapy to get their partner pregnant?
My dh and I have been together for 16yrs , its not like we popped out 5 kids in 5yrs.

Booger & Bubba's Mommy 18 kids; Illinois 8136 posts
10th Aug '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting 6 blessings so far....:</b>" I consider the first 2yrs of unsuccessful ttc w/my dh after having a previous successful pregnancy b4 ... [snip!] ... therapy to get their partner pregnant? My dh and I have been together for 16yrs , its not like we popped out 5 kids in 5yrs."</blockquote>



It considered infertility when you actually cannot conceive. When you have 6 children with one on the way it's TROUBLE CONCIEVING not infertility.



It's ignorant to compare your situation to anyone else's. especially while pregnant with your 7th child & claiming infertility.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting 6 blessings so far....:" I consider the first 2yrs of unsuccessful ttc w/my dh after having a previous successful pregnancy b4 ... [snip!] ... therapy to get their partner pregnant? My dh and I have been together for 16yrs , its not like we popped out 5 kids in 5yrs."


A year is normal for a couple. 2 years is having trouble conceiving. You may have experience with infertility in the way a person understand being sick when they have a cold. That's fine, but to pretend as if you understand how a woman feels who has a far more severe case of infertility is, again, like trying to compare a cold to cancer. They are not the same, and pretending as if you completely understand just comes across as mean.



I had a preemie, but she lived. I can't pretend to know what a mother of a preemie who passed away feels like, or a mother who has a still born. We may have both had preemies, but mine lived. It isn't the same thing at all. So a mother of soon to be 7 kids is NOT the same as a woman struggling to just have one. They are very different. THAT is what you don't seem to get.



You can have advice, but realize that some of your advice won't be taken seriously, because it just doesn't feel relevant. You haven't been struggling to have ONE baby. Even when you had your time having a 2nd baby (first with your husband) you already had one child. It doesn't make it easy, but it DOES mean that you haven't been where a woman who fears she'll never be able to even have one is. You can't relate because you haven't been there, and pretending as if you do understand or have been there feels insulting.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting she nan igans:" A year is normal for a couple. 2 years is having trouble conceiving. You may have experience with infertility ... [snip!] ... is. You can't relate because you haven't been there, and pretending as if you do understand or have been there feels insulting."


this thread didn't stem from attempting to compare my situation to any one persons struggles. I actually started it after several conversations with people (irl) outside of bg going through fertility treatment that didn't seem to take into account their partners feelings. Watching my dh suffer through major depression at the very real possibility of not fathering a child and feeling less and less of a man after every failed attempt for 2yrs( and then for another 4yrs when he wanted a 3rd) has given me insight to the ''other side of the coin''
I am very thankful and blessed that dh's treatment regime has been successful so many times but it wasn't a magic fix ''here's a pill, your all better '' senerio. Each and every time has taken careful monitoring and tweaking meds over a 15yr period. Now with the last baby and this pregnancy it seems dh's levels are stable , everything is working properly so we have taken advantage of blessing



_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting 6 blessings so far....:" this thread didn't stem from attempting to compare my situation to any one persons struggles. I actually ... [snip!] ... this pregnancy it seems dh's levels are stable , everything is working properly so we have taken advantage of blessing "


You just don't seem to get what is being said. Your HUSBAND dealt with infertility. You did not directly deal with it. Like the partner of a cancer survivor has insight on being the partner of a survivor, but does NOT have insight on having cancer. When you try to compare your situation to someone whose is so very differently, then it just seems insulting. YOU did not go through those feelings of being unable to have kids because of your body. That was him. And even so, the level is so entirely different than that of a woman who may never get any kids at all.



You can give good advice, that's fine, but when you probably have issues is when you try to "relate" to people who are in such a different situation then you. If you are having a lot of people who seem to think that with 6 kids you don't understand, then maybe you need to consider how you are talking to them. Given this thread, and the woman you sent that PM to, you are doing a horrible job trying to "help" people. If that is happening a lot, then I'm sorry to say, it's you. It isn't that people are just misunderstanding you, YOU are phrasing things in a bad way at the very least.

7 blessings so far.... Due February 3; 6 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 8799 posts
10th Aug '13
Quoting she nan igans:" You just don't seem to get what is being said. Your HUSBAND dealt with infertility. You did not directly ... [snip!] ... to say, it's you. It isn't that people are just misunderstanding you, YOU are phrasing things in a bad way at the very least."


I definitely get what you are saying and I already thanked others for bringing to my attention the phrasing of things.
I have group of friends that are spouses of women & men w/infertility (kind of an unofficial support group) I guess finding the right phrasing to help them explain to their partners that they aren't alone & that they suffer also (w/the anguish of watching their soul mate suffer and often become consumed by the process) w/o them getting defensive is the issue at hand.
A few in the group are actually separated because of the stress, one of their spouse's actually packed up and left saying ..''go find someone that can give you a baby'' :( (which is one of the awful phrase my dh said to me in the early stages)
If you have any suggestions I would appreciate it.