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How do you nicely turn down help? BRowell 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Bristol, TN, United States 3726 posts
1st Sep '13

I am pregnant with our third baby. When I had our second (DS) DH's parents were helpful. They would come take DD for a few hours, even some nights, MIL would clean and do laundry, bring food over, just whatever she felt needed done. That was perfectly fine for a few days as I was healing and tired. After those first few days though I just prefer to get into a routine with both my kids and DH, I like things to "go back to normal" I guess. I just felt like it was more of a bother than helpful after a few days. I mean I really appreciated it and everything though. I didn't tell them they were bothering me, I just let them help but they were over every single day, sometimes all day for 2 whole weeks. (They eventually had to start classes, they take classes and they are both teachers so it just stopped)I really feel like it slowed down any routine I tried to get into with DS and also, DH, DD and I all adjusting to giving attention to this new baby as well as DD. They took her with them so often that I felt like I never saw her and I was sad a lot during that time. DH also felt like he missed out because he could've been spending time with DD or helping me with DS but his mom would just take over.



Well, SIL just had a baby and MIL was with her every single day and some nights for the first month straight. I mean she would wake up early and go there and then stay late and then just drive home (1hr. Drive) to sleep and then go back really early. (Until they started classes)



Now I'm pregnant and MIL keeps bringing up how much help I'm going to need and all this. This baby is due in March and since they are still in school I hope they won't be over so much. I really haven't said much when she's brought it up because I know she just wants to help. I know I may need help but then again I want to get in the hang of things. I want to get into a routine with all my kids. My routine will have to change if inlaws are over everyday and then all of a sudden they are not. I don't really know how to tell them that Id rather them not be over so much without hurting their feelings but I just don't want to deal with it.



How would you handle it?



I don't want anyone here to think I'm not grateful for their help. They are amazing people and I love them, we get along great and they have helped me with soooo much. Im so thankful that i have someone here to help me. I just really prefer to go head on into the swing of things and get a routine going ASAP. Idk, should I just get over it or say something? What do you think?

Momma Rawks 1 child; Iowa 7176 posts
1st Sep '13

Don't tell them when the baby is born, lock the doors, and don't answer their phone calls. :wink:



Just be honest. Say you appreciate it, but that you guys have decided to just see how it goes and if you decide you need some assistance, you'll let them know.

MTB#4 Due November 1; 19 kids; Riverview, Florida 99 posts
1st Sep '13

I'm so jealous!!! Can you send your in laws to help me instead? I'm having my fourth child and have nobody to help me! My mother died last year, my dad lives overseas, and my in-laws live out of state. Send them over!!!!

Bad Things 1 child; Blacksburg, SC, United States 18115 posts
status 1st Sep '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting BRowell:</b>" I am pregnant with our third baby. When I had our second (DS) DH's parents were helpful. They would come ... [snip!] ... on into the swing of things and get a routine going ASAP. Idk, should I just get over it or say something? What do you think?"</blockquote>




I would, next time she hints about her staying, say "Ty for coming over last time. You were great, but I think me and DH have it this time. You will definitely be the first to call if we need help."



I think that's nice, but to the point.

BRowell 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Bristol, TN, United States 3726 posts
1st Sep '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting MTB#4:</b>" I'm so jealous!!! Can you send your in laws to help me instead? I'm having my fourth child and have nobody ... [snip!] ... have nobody to help me! My mother died last year, my dad lives overseas, and my in-laws live out of state. Send them over!!!!"</blockquote>




Im sorry for your loss. :( I feel bad about not wanting their help, I know I'm lucky I have them. Sometimes I feel like I need to get over myself but then again last time after a week I felt like it was honesty making me miserable. I didn't feel like I could really relax and even felt a little stressed that I couldn't get into a routine, even a semi routine. I just want it to be me, DH and the kids and be able to bond and spend this time as a family.

BRowell 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Bristol, TN, United States 3726 posts
1st Sep '13

Thanks Mamma Rawks and Bad things! Both those seem very nice and acceptable. Saying anything is going to be hard for me. I'm not confrontational at all and I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt MIL's feelings or she's going to think I'm not grateful for her help.



I don't really like asking people for help as it is but have needed it in the past and they are always there for me. They help me with sooo much and part of me feels like they help so much already that I shouldn't have them help with this, even though they are offering, I'm not asking. I am just so stuck on this. Lol

Peyton'sMommy♥ 1 child; Springfield, Ohio 16811 posts
1st Sep '13

Idk what to tell ya. I had that issue with my MIL, she was coming everyday after she got off work and staying for hours and I was trying to get into a routine with him at night and she'd of course want to hold him and love on him when I was needing to get a schedule started. DH was like she's just excited, I'm like I love that but really I am tired I need to start a routine and I just need some for me, you, and Pey to get adjusted. I don't know what he said to her but she stopped coming everyday and didn't stay long when she came over after that. I just had DH talk to her and tell her it wasn't against her. Idk what he said exactly.

MTB#4 Due November 1; 19 kids; Riverview, Florida 99 posts
1st Sep '13

I didn't mean to make you feel bad.... I understand that too much help can be overbearing....The best thing is to be honest. Just tell them everything you said on the post... your need for establishing a routing...wanting DH to be more involved.... if they are sensible people they will understand. Who knows, it might even make them feel better.... some people feel like they are supposed to help. Thanks for you condolences.... I really wish I had my mom at a time like this. But I'm very blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband! Good luck with everything!

BRowell 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Bristol, TN, United States 3726 posts
1st Sep '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Peyton'sMommy♥:</b>" Idk what to tell ya. I had that issue with my MIL, she was coming everyday after she got off work and ... [snip!] ... long when she came over after that. I just had DH talk to her and tell her it wasn't against her. Idk what he said exactly."</blockquote>




Maybe Ill ask DH to mention it. Its a hard situation.

BRowell 3 kids; 2 angel babies; Bristol, TN, United States 3726 posts
1st Sep '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting MTB#4:</b>" I didn't mean to make you feel bad.... I understand that too much help can be overbearing....The best ... [snip!] ... wish I had my mom at a time like this. But I'm very blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband! Good luck with everything!"</blockquote>




Oh no no, you didn't make me feel bad. I already felt bad. Haha I have the same issue with my dad. We have not had a good past and don't have a relationship and it basically boils down to me not being able to forgive him. I often feel like I should get over it and try to make it work because He's alive and he lives close by and I know there are people that wish they could get just one more day with their dad. I know I'm blessed to have them. That's why this is so hard for me. I actually never thought about them feeling like they need to help. That may really be it! Im probably over thinking it anyways. Im sure they will understand. im just just worried deep down MIL will be hurt. Thanks you for replying! :)

Peyton'sMommy♥ 1 child; Springfield, Ohio 16811 posts
2nd Sep '13
Quoting BRowell:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Peyton'sMommy♥:</b>" Idk what to tell ya. I had that ... [snip!] ... it wasn't against her. Idk what he said exactly."</blockquote> Maybe Ill ask DH to mention it. Its a hard situation."


It's very hard, I didn't want to seem like I was being a bitch trying to make her leave. (He was the first grandbaby) But I know what you mean about needing time to adjust to the change and time for yourself. There were times I just didn't want anyone around just me, Pey, and DH so that we could get used to being a family or take a nap if we didn't get much sleep earlier in the day. I didn't want to seem like I wasn't appreciative, I mean she did do the dishes a few times and fold some clothes but I just wanted that time for us.