i havnt even been married a month.. and i feel like im loosing my husband.. he says hes working to make money.. but he gets off his real job at 5. then goes to a side job. makes 40 bucks and doesnt get home till anywhere between 12-3 am. then gets up at 6 to do it all over again. ive told him i dont care about the money i would prefer he stay home but he still goes. today was his day off and yet at 10 at night he leaves to go work on a friends truck! im in so much pain all i want is for him to be here. we fought horribly, i started crying and what does he do? he turns around and leaves! we never ever fought before the wedding, but ever since its like every other night. and its only because of this damn side job! all he keeps saying is its not like im out at parties. if tried calmly sitting down talking to him. weve yelled. weve ignored it. everything. i just dont know what to do.. hes only making 40 dollars! it goes strait into his gas tank so i dont even see that 40! he had today off and he spent most of it cleaning his garage, promised when he was done hed come cuddle and instead he goes off to his friends house to fix his truck. im crying so bad and dont know what to do. i miss him. weve been married 3 weeks and i miss him. conan misses him. i just dont know how to prove to him we dont need that 40 and would just like him to stay home!
$40 a week or $40 a day?
My DH works tons, when he can get sidejobs with family and friends he does. I'm usually okay with it, the only time I wasn't was when I had DS 2 and needed him more than we needed the money. I do think 12-3 am is extremely excessive though, can he try to come home earlier? That small amount of sleep for him definitely won't do him any favors.
Are there any extenuating financial problems that are making him feel like he needs to do this?
I'm sorry mama.I know how it feels.My husband works two jobs one full time and the other one is twice a week.He stays home on his off days but it's like he's not here sometimes.Since football started i know it's going to be more difficult.He plays PS3 or on the computer worrying about his fantasy football.Or he plays basketball with his coworker/best friend he sees almost everyday.I know we all need our alone time and he is being a provider until i return to work but i just want him back.I want to do more family events together.He's getting better though.
$40 a night is an extra $1200-something a month. That's a lot...what are you doing to replace it if he quits?
Quoting Inc0gnitus:" $40 a week or $40 a day? My DH works tons, when he can get sidejobs with family and friends he does. ... [snip!] ... won't do him any favors. Are there any extenuating financial problems that are making him feel like he needs to do this?"
a day... for about 10 hours.. hard work.. its hurting him physically and making him exhausted and cranky. and things are tight.. but not so bad that he HAS to be gone so late.. ive asked him to come home early and he says ok.. be home by ten.. then ten comes and i call and he says ohh need another hour maybe two.. those hours come and call again and ohh not done need another hour.
Quoting The Bear and The Bird:" $40 a night is an extra $1200-something a month. That's a lot...what are you doing to replace it if he quits?"
we dont need it.. he gets paid the 40 and it goes strait in his gas tank so its not like its even helping us with bills or anything.
Quoting Iyahna :^P:" I'm sorry mama.I know how it feels.My husband works two jobs one full time and the other one is twice ... [snip!] ... a provider until i return to work but i just want him back.I want to do more family events together.He's getting better though."
yeah.. on his days off he either goes to his dads house or works in the garage or does something that i cant or wont do with DS. because when he goes to his dads he welds which isnt safe around the toddler. ds isnt allowed in the garage cause all the tools and crap. so were alone no matter how its looked at..
<blockquote><b>Quoting Mrs. Curtis:</b>" we dont need it.. he gets paid the 40 and it goes strait in his gas tank so its not like its even helping us with bills or anything."</blockquote>
Where the hell is he driving that's eating up $1200 in gas :? My shitty 12mpg doesn't take that and I regularly drive 50 miles a day.
Quoting Mrs. Curtis:" a day... for about 10 hours.. hard work.. its hurting him physically and making him exhausted and cranky. ... [snip!] ... and i call and he says ohh need another hour maybe two.. those hours come and call again and ohh not done need another hour."
Okay, I think you need to really calm down and think about this rationally then. You have this great man, who is physically exerting himself to the point of exhaustion and is being used for cheap labor, all because he loves and wants to provide for his family. Do you think he doesn't know his time is worth more? Because I can guarantee he does, he does it because he wants to take care of his family, not because he likes it.
I'm not trying to be rude, but I think you need to come back to reality for a moment.
If this is so hard on you, then you should most definitely find a job that would compensate for this one when he quits it.
I really feel for him iin this whole post, it kinda makes me want to snuggle my husband extra close tonight.
Quoting The Bear and The Bird:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mrs. Curtis:</b>" we dont need it.. he gets paid the 40 and ... [snip!] ... the hell is he driving that's eating up $1200 in gas :? My shitty 12mpg doesn't take that and I regularly drive 50 miles a day."
:!: DH gets 9 highway mpg, and is on the road in the city 30 minutes a day, we spend about $350 a month on gas for it.
from my experience...
The more "needy" (not that youre being needy, but in his eyes it is) you are the more they want to "escape" Everyone wants what they cant have. When Im super lovey dovey overkill I can fell SO pull away and want space (completely normal) but naturally that makes me want MORE AND MORE affection... so the more he pulls away.
Maybe try to just leave him be for a week or so, as much as you want him to embrace you just act like youre fine and he will more than likely say "woah wheres my woman" and start giving you more attention. If he doesn't... Maybe there is some debt you may not know about? Something stressing him out that you don't know about? When my SO is REALLY stressed he goes into his own zone and completely ignores my wants. Its frustrating and not fair but that just who and how he is when stress hits him.
hope it gets better.... that is one of the worst feelings ever! : /
Maybe he adores the 2nd job and is doing what he loves and is waiting to get promoted to bring in more money?
Did you guys not address this before getting married and if you didn't, why not?
Marriage requires several core qualities including the ability to trust, respect, and the ability to compromise. It sounds like you two need to work on your ability to compromise. You need to sit down with one another and give each other a "free pass" to say what you want without having to worry about the other getting upset and starting a fight. Put your emotions aside for a moment and simply be adults about it. Approach it logically and thoughtfully.
Everyone needs some "me" time. If he's working as much as he is, it's no wonder he wants to tinker around in the garage or see friends. He shares a bed with you at the end of the day so think about it: he really doesn't have ANY time to himself and the occasions when he does, you're getting upset about it. That's not fair and it isn't healthy. I am guessing you aren't working right now so you have plenty of time to yourself. If that's the case then it is hard for you to understand how important that "alone time" can be. I imagine he values it quite a lot because he doesn't get nearly as much of it.
So with all of that being said, sit down together and come up with a compromise. Work at a schedule and plan specific times for you two to have couple's time. Every night when he gets home, turn off the TV and do something with one another. It could be as asinine as playing board games or having simple conversations. Times like this are what really create close relationships, IMO.
Bottom line: Before you get upset again put yourself in his shoes. He's working his ass off and has little free time. Perhaps his second job IS his free time; something he enjoys doing. Try to respect that and don't take it so personally. Certainly don't yell at or ignore him. That will NEVER accomplish anything (unless growing apart is considered an accomplishment...). I seriously doubt he's thinking, "Man, I hate being at home with my wife. I will do anything to get out of having to spend time with her!" Instead he's probably overwhelmed by the fact that he's working nonstop AND getting a lot of hostility when he finally gets home and can rest. It's no wonder he's uptight and you guys are fighting.
Quoting Mrs. Curtis:" we dont need it.. he gets paid the 40 and it goes strait in his gas tank so its not like its even helping us with bills or anything."
I'm confused. In your previous post you said things are tight and in this one you're saying he doesn't even need the extra money. Which is it?
Quite frankly, being able to pay your bills isn't exactly optimal, especially with children. What about college or savings in case something happens like a car wreck or an illness? Being able to take care of bills isn't the only thing necessary in the big scheme of things. Maybe he's thinking in a more longterm fashion (which is a great thing; you both should be).
And if you feel none of that is relevant to your situation, at least consider that he doesn't have much time to himself and that second job could be his way of spending some time on his own. EVERYONE needs alone time. It's unhealthy if he dedicates 100% of himself to everyone else. Try to put yourself in his shoes.
Quoting Mrs. Curtis:" i havnt even been married a month.. and i feel like im loosing my husband.. he says hes working to make ... [snip!] ... i miss him. conan misses him. i just dont know how to prove to him we dont need that 40 and would just like him to stay home!"
I am so sorry that you feel lost and lonely. I can understand your hurt. I would reccommend reading and going through the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott. I am also a newly wed and this book is AMAZING! It helps you sit down and talk through things and work through expectations you both have.
I would also recommend Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
As an employee of Focus On The Family I know that one of our licensed counselors would love the chance to talk to you about this - totally free of charge- they help married couples all of the time. You can reach them at 1-855-771-4357
I will keep you in my prayers!