(this is going to be long)
I have a lot of bottled up emotions right now and I don't know where exactly to go to release them.
So here I am, releasing them here...
I just need to sit and have a hard cry..
Here's why. (Warning LOOOOOONG)
My past is something I rarely talk about, Im a grown woman now and the things I did as a teenager really don't matter anymore, but the memories I made with the people that meant the most to me then, well, those matter...
I spent all my time with 4 friends.. Mark,Fran,Kenny&Tracey.... We had the weirdest of all friendships and I loved each and every one of them dearly.
In Oct. of 2005 Mark died in a motorcycle accident, I was 14. I didn't know what emotions I was feeling at the time.. Of course I cried for I just lost a dear friend as well as a cousin.. He was a father of two beautiful daughters, the husband to a loving wife (fran) and a best friend to many, but like i said i was only 14, i really didn't know what exactly life support was, or that if he were to make it that he would be a vegetable.. all of that didn't make sense to me, i just knew he was gone and never coming back, and here i was a 14 year old child who was the back bone for his wife and children through this horrible time...
with mark passing away, i became even closer with kenny, he was the sweetest man you'd ever meet. He too was a father and a husband also (to tracey). Fran, Tracey, Kenny and I had the best of times and we were all moving forward from the sudden loss of mark. Kenny had this contagious laugh, more like chuckle. he had one of those unforgettable scratchy voices and he always called me girl. He would pick me up and take me home when Fran wasn't able to. I was his 4th top friend on his myspace top 8. after his children of course. Kenny and I just had this bond a bond i can't really describe.... well in the early morning hours in july 2008, I receive the second worse call anyone wants to receive... Kenny was shot in the head. Kenny is on life support and it doesn't look good... I just dropped, how can an innocent man, a loving father of 3 be shot dead, in the middle of a parking lot and No one has been caught or charged with this nonsense. he was caught in the middle of a drug related shoot out. he was trying to get in his f**king car, and these a*****es decide to act all bad ass and shoot each other in a crowded parking lot!!!!! hitting a completely innocent bystander?! Now here i am, 17, at a complete loss for words, sitting in my basement crying my eyes out. I had frans kids to watch while she was with tracey. these children had just lost their father a few years back, now the only other father figure they had in their lives had just been taken away from them. Kenny death was very hard on me, i felt that i could've prevented it, because i almost called him to come get me that night, and if, IF i would have then kenny would not have been in that parking lot, he would not have been shot!!! i still live with that guilt today. Kenny had three children, one who attached himself to me while dealing with the loss of his father... He stayed by my side, he would only talk to me, only open up to me.. finally after time after a long time the dust finally settled, and we continued to move forward... me tracey fran and the children. all these kids who had no fathers. just two moms. and these two moms as well as myself, we were all best friends. we often stayed up all night long sharing memories and stories of the past, all the funny things that happened along the way. well as time went on, things changed.... I got married and had children of my own... and my friendship with tracey and fran faded... if we saw each other out we would all talk and laugh and things were normal. the children were growing up and becoming so independent. I just finished writing kennys daughter a message telling her how much i loved her, and how much i loved her mom and how ever so much i missed her dad we chatted awhile shared memories and laughed out butts off.... then about 3 weeks later i received yet another gut wrenching phone call, this time it was Tracey... on life support.... with 0% chance, she overdosed in her bedroom, on heroin... on heroin no one knew tracey was on.... we all thought tracey was just staying quiet because she was busy. for she just got a new job... her death was just as unexpected as marks, and kennys... but the worse part is that, now those beautiful children have no parents at all... and the boy that stuck to my side and opened up to me during his fathers tragic death, is in complete shock over the loss of his mother.... he won't open up to anyone, and because my life drifted me away from them for the past 5years, he won't open up to me now.. i can't believe all this has happened. its all so crazy... I've cried myself to sleep more here recently than i ever have... I don't really know what to do, or how to move on...
I'm sorry for all of your losses. You've been through too many. I hope you can find peace in all of this and also would like to tell you don't give up. Keep trying to connect with the kids, they may need you. Even if they aren't kids anymore!
I am so sorry!!! I can't imagine going through all that!!
Thank you ladies, and yes I'm still trying my hardest to reconnect with the son.
Awe. I know this must be tough for you.
I wish you the best of luck.