When it comes to miscarriage, silence is always encouraged. From the time you find out that you're pregnant, you are advised not to share the happy news until you've crossed the first trimester when the risk of miscarrying the baby has reduced.
Miscarriage is unfortunate, but certainly not rare. You're normally told not to dwell on it. A woman who is facing miscarriage usually doesn't get much support from the medical fraternity, she doesn't know what to expect after it has occurred, and no one quite understands the emotional impact it leaves on her. You're left to figure it out on your own and not let it bother you more than others say it should. Instead, you're encouraged only to focus on conceiving again. It is said that you should not become stuck on this issue of being unhealthy and thinking too much in the past. The truth is, a lot of positivity comes out of discussing miscarriage and its associated physical and emotional stress.
Unfortunately, people are still superstitious about miscarriage. They are still self-persecuting and tend to treat it like some shameful secret, which can be dangerous. Instead of trying to forget about it or pretend that such a thing never occurred, it is important to treat it as an issue that is not to be silenced. Here’s why:
10 It is Very Common
As per data analyzed by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, it is found that out of all pregnancies that are recognized clinically, about 10 percent result in miscarriage. The rate of miscarriage increases to approximately 20 percent at the age of 35 years and to 40 percent when the expectant mother is between 40-45 years of age. Reading these statistics surely tells you that you are not alone; there are many others out there who have faced similar circumstances. If you publish this data on your blog, you will be surprised at the number of supportive messages you are likely to receive from women all over the world.
9 It Makes You Feel Less Lonely
If you keep your miscarriage a secret, you are refraining from seeking out and finding the support and compassion you need. This is one of the most difficult times in your life. Perhaps you're at a crossroads, and you need the right kind of emotional backing in order to get through this.
8 It Can Be Your Make or Break Moment
You can be left alone to wallow in misery, or you can come out of your shell and turn this into a defining moment in your life. By talking about your miscarriage with others, you will find that your priorities become clearer. A fog will slowly lift from your life. You can think clearly, and you can push yourself to make the right choices. You accept that your life has changed to a certain degree as a result of a single incident. You focus on your values and what really matters to you. Surprisingly, it can lead to a better quality of life than the one you were leading previously.
7 You Can Share What You Have Learned
There is always something a woman learns from losing her pregnancy. It can be a life altering experience, and if treated with care, it helps you make the necessary shifts in your life. You can commit to taking good care of yourself. Most importantly, you can share this information with others who can benefit from what you learned. If you value your relationships more, and become more patient and understanding, or look at your career with a whole new perspective, these are changes that honor your spirit and everyone around can learn from them.
6 You Can Help Another in Distress
By talking about miscarriage, you are assisting another woman who could possibly be in distress. You are creating a bond and a sense of a society that helps in building an understanding of how we can deal with loneliness and loss. The stories of loss and trauma are within us. We carry them every day. You can talk about them, encourage openness, and eventually create a support community for women to deal with these issues.
5 You Can Bring the Issue at Par with Other Kinds of Grief
When you lose a loved one, whether a family member, friend or even a pet, people understand and accept the grief. Friends and family visit the grieving person. They stick around to give as much support as they can. Why not treat miscarriage the same way? If you talk to others about how you feel, and how much their support would mean to you, even people who haven't quite ‘got it’ might come around to recognizing that perinatal sadness is real and supporting the woman involved is very important.
4 You Can Refrain From Blaming Yourself
In a large number of miscarriages, the parents have no control or power over the loss of the child. The body identifies chromosomal problems within the child that deter its growth and the act of aborting is spontaneous. There is nothing that a parent can do about it. However, it is very common, especially on the part of the mother to feel responsible, and consider it a personal failure. If you don't talk about it, you might keep thinking about what you did wrong that caused the miscarriage. If you haven't been using drugs, or smoking, or drinking excessively during your pregnancy, you have no reason to feel guilt. You did not lose your child because you didn't want it enough or because you didn't eat the right green vegetable.
3 You Can Move Away From the Culture of Bad Luck
When a woman miscarries, she is left helpless. Miscarriage is often viewed as an act of God which is sudden and irreversible. It still carries with it a connotation of bad luck or bad behavior. You need to break free from this association.
If there are people who believe that being around you will pass on the ill fate to them, you are better to stay away from such a crowd. You need to talk about it so that you can identify your true friends and turn to them for support.
2 It Can Influence the Kind of Parent You Become
Miscarriage can shape your relationship with your partner, alter you as a person, and influence the kind of parent you eventually become. Therefore, it is extremely irrational to treat it as an event that can be dismissed easily or dwelt upon only in negative terms. It is quite possible that your struggle with infertility before you had a child has made you critical of your parenting abilities.
Couples who have faced fertility issues find peace and happiness in their marriage after they are able to conceive successfully. If you don't discuss miscarriage, you are actually ignoring an important issue. This could be a factor in how you're likely to treat your children and how you would evolve as a parent.
1 You Can Accept That Wounds Will Take Time to Heal
Your grief will not work as per a defined timetable. By discussing your emotional turmoil post miscarriage, you will realize that this grief might be with you for a long time, but will eventually fade. Also, the intensity will most likely vary from time to time. On some days, you might not feel the grief tug at your heart that strongly while you share a cup of coffee with your friend, but just a dull ache. There could be days when you realize how raw your heart remains, and in these moments, it is healthy to express your grief to those who care.
Discuss miscarriage to make it a “normal” thing. By keeping it a secret, you are not preserving privacy or healing your pain or helping others who are suffering in the same way. You are only compounding your feelings of guilt, helplessness, and isolation. It is necessary to shed more light on miscarriage to get rid of the ignorance and taboo attached to it. It is not an easy thing to discuss, but you need to find a way to have this important conversation that will correct misconceptions and lead more women to not blame themselves.
Discussing will give you a chance to openly grieve. It will also allow your partner time to come to terms with the loss. You will be able to help other couples who might have been isolated for the same reasons, and possibly living in shame. Finally, if you discuss miscarriage, you will one day be able to look beyond your heartbreaking experience and get ready for the future. You can speak to other women who have miscarried, and have given birth to healthy babies later, and derive comfort from this fact. You can also accept that both life and loss will come to you, each with its own lessons, which you will always hold precious.