I have a love/hate relationship with Mommy groups. I love the idea of what they are supposed to be, and what they claim to represent. They're supposed to be comprised of supportive women sharing frustration over lack of sleep, post baby bodies, piles of laundry and milestone worry.
I hate what they actually are, a group of women competing in motherhood as if it was an Olympic sport. Why do we do this ladies? Why do we turn potty training into a race that we must win at all costs?
Why do we expect to receive a gold medal for our child's ability to sit at a specific age, and relish the idea of gloating while looking down on the mom's who took the silver and the bronze?
It's awful. Milestones are guidelines, that's it. A basic guideline to help establish if a child is on track, not to tell you if you need to fire junior's coach or perhaps consider a performance enhancing drug. These moms are likely the reason that you, like myself, do not attend mommy groups.
I have been lucky enough to find a group of moms who like to keep it real. We get together in our yoga pants and don't do yoga, drink coffee and vent.
However, the same moms from those mommy groups can be found online. In many ways, the internet has become one giant mommy group. The on-line moms to watch out for fall into the following categories:
10. The Web-savvy Mom
The type who are commenting on all the parenting websites, tweeting up a storm and posting all over Facebook about how brilliant they are, and how the rest of us are doing it all wrong.
The trouble is that they are even more amazing online, because there is no way to prove they are full of it. Like the mom who claims that she sleep trained her three week old to sleep through the night? Yet everyone can see the bags under her eyes or exhaustion in her face.
15 The Multilingual Mom
She claims that her one year old is fluent in three languages? Prove it. Oh right, we can't see him. It's really, really easy to be super mom on-line.
14 The 'Internet is evil' Mom
She's the one who says you should never post anything about your child online, Wifi is going to kill us all. She claims to live off the grid yet somehow managed to find and read the post she is infuriated by online.
13 All Natural Mom
Ok we get it. We're terrible parents for sharing our ups and downs on this bumpy and incredible journey through parenthood with the online community. We're also terrible parents for taking time away from our precious angels to read about what others are dealing with on this journey.
However, the next time you feel the need to tell us all this, please send your complaints via carrier pigeon on hemp paper written in ink made of bird poop because you my friend, are a hypocrite.
11 The Martha Stewart Mom
Sigh....where do I even begin? We think it's lovely that you make all of your children's clothing by hand, with an antique sewing machine and the thread that you wove out of alpaca hair from the free range alpacas you keep in your backyard.
Some of us are still trying to wrestle a naked two year old into clothing by mid afternoon so your daily posts are making us feel like crap. Stop it, once a month is fine. Thank you.
9 The Master Chef Mom
If you bake an amazing birthday cake or cook an extraordinary holiday meal then by all means snap and post away. But daily pictures of your insanely beautiful, catered event worthy dinners when 99.9% of us were barely able to slap some peanut butter on bread and get it on the table for the kids are making us want to scream.
The next time you feel the need to post about your all natural, dairy free, gluten free, vegan, organic masterpiece meal that everyone in the family loved and even the toddler asked for seconds, stop.
Don't do it. There is a mob of tired, Kraft dinner covered moms on the brink of sanity watching you and if you persist, I cannot guarantee your safety.
7 The' My Child Would Never' Mom
First of all, I will admit that I have been this mom. Four kids ago, I was full of opinions on all of the things that my children would never ever do. Now I know better and I apologize to all of fellow moms for my judgmental thoughts.
Toddlers are wild, unpredictable, willful little beings who lack the language to properly express themselves. This means that they bite, hit, kick, throw things, scream etc etc....So the next time an on-line mom asks if there is something wrong with her two year old, who feels that biting is a good way to handle another child in daycare taking their toy, stop.
Do not promptly inform her that she is raising a Sociopath. Because one day, when your angelic six week old becomes a toddler and starts using toys as weapons at playgroup against all of the toddlers who have never done her wrong, you will turn on-line for support.
An when this day comes, all that will be waiting for you is a big, fat, I told you so. Trust me on this.....
5 The 'I Would Never' Mom
These are usually new moms or women expecting their first child. They are on-line telling everyone how much screen time is recommended by the Canadian Pediatric Association, how dangerous it is to share a bed with your baby, and they usually have a list of foods that they will never ever feed their child. They will also never, ever raise their voice.
I have been this mom as well, so it's with love that I say, zip it! Do you ever want to go pee again or perhaps take a shower? Then you will let your darling watch television. Do you plan on breastfeeding and aren't partial to sleeping while sitting up constantly afraid you may drop your baby? Then guess what, you just might take your baby to bed with you.
Don't even get me started on food. When your second child is watching your first child eat candy that grandma brought, you will change your tune.
And one day when you leave the room for two minutes to go pee, and you return to find that your four year old and your six year old have started a food fight with dinner because someone called someone a poop brain, and the two year old has given the baby a haircut with scissors you didn't even know were in the room, you will, without a doubt, raise your voice.
If you don't you may be in a coma and should likely see a doctor.
4 The Work Out Wonder Mom
Exercise is healthy and important. Exercise could likely save your sanity on this mission of motherhood. However, isn't motherhood a marathon in itself?
After a day of poopy diapers, laundry, feeding children, clothing children, doing dishes, school projects, dealing with various "disasters" and running kids to whatever activities they happen to be involved in, most of us couldn't even remember the last time we peed, never mind find an hour a day to work out.
I've decided when my kids are older I'll be a regular Victoria's Secret model, but in the meantime I, and I'm assuming most moms out there, have a few questions for you.
When you post daily about your amazing two hour work outs, where are your kids? Who does your laundry? Are you a super hero? If you are a super hero could you please jog on over to my place when you finish your workout and do my laundry? Thanks.
And last but not least...
2 The Molly Maid Mom
First of all, I will confess, I am a bit of a neat freak. I do like everything in its place, and sticky floors make my skin crawl, however I don't feel the need to post an update every time I pick up a broom. And, I also agree wholeheartedly with that saying about cleaning a house with children is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
So, when you post every single day about how you have just finished cleaning your house from top to bottom including dusting and finishing all the laundry, you are giving the rest of us chest pains.
Dusting? Seriously, are you a robot? And finishing all the laundry? We don't believe you. Not a single word.
So you are either a robot, or a liar, or maybe a lying robot....Either way, cut it out! Or, keep your robot cleaning ways to yourself and save the rest of us an anxiety attack. Thank you.