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12 Ways to Explain Contraction Pain to Men

Did you know that the human body can only bear up to 45 del (units) of pain at a time? Yet, at the time of giving birth, the mother feels up to 57 del (units) of pain. This is the equivalent of 20 bones being fractured at the same time. True story.

Discussing your fears and worries about pain with a man can be difficult, because, lets face it, they can’t actually feel the pain we feel. They don’t feel crowning, contractions, or child birth. Yes, they can feel horrible pain, such as the pain of being kicked in the family jewels, or passing a kidney stone, but the actual pain of labor? That’s a woman’s domain. And describing labor to a man is sometimes like them trying to explain how to fix an engine or something along those lines to those of us who are not mechanically inclined...it goes in one ear and out the other.

Below are some interesting ways to describe labor pain to your spouse, who just may not understand what you’re going through. Please note, these are not meant to scare you! Many women experience very easy labors, and that may happen for you. There are also epidurals and other pain killers on the market if you choose to go that route. But for many, natural child birth is painful and gritty.

12 Like a Bad UTI

Have you ever had a UTI? Have you ever felt the burning, uncontrollable itchy sensation that can come with it, and the agony that can follow? Well, if you’ve ever had a UTI, you’ve likely felt the pain that comes with it in the form of cramps. Those cramps feel very similar to the contraction cramping pains that come when you’re in labor. Some women have even mistaken their labor pains for a returning UTI!

11 Being Hit in the Nuts

This one should be obvious, you can imagine what being hit in the nuts is like, how badly that hurts. I’ve asked my fiance, he swears that it makes his stomach cramp up, causes his eyes to water, makes his head spin, and makes him unable to think of anything else.

Guys, if you ever want to know how bad passing a baby through a vagina feels, then imagine a good nut kick. One that continually comes and goes, sometimes for 40 or more hours, and gets worse and worse, until you get to the ‘ring of fire,’ when the baby is crowning, and then that pain intensifies.

10 Food Poisoning x 1000

If you’ve ever had food poisoning, and I mean actual food poisoning, not grabbing some bad tacos at the local hole in the wall taco joint, then you can explain labor to a man. It’s uncontrollable pooping, it’s being hunched over a toilet with the worst stomach pains imaginable. It’s like your insides just all want out, all at one time, and it’s enough to make you cry.

9 Lawn Gnomes Squeezing My Abdomen

So, there’s no way to actually compare this one to anything, because I doubt anyone knows what it’s like to actually have lawn gnomes in your abdomen, unless Gnomeo and Juliet was a documentary or something and they really do come to life at night!

The feeling being described, that gut wrenching, twisting, agonizing feeling, as if someone was taking hold of your insides and just twisting them up into knots; thats what a contraction feels like.

8 Having a Boulder In Your Stomach

That’s honestly the best description for the hard weight you’re carrying, like you have a boulder in your stomach. By the end of the third trimester, baby can weigh anywhere from 6 to 11 lbs, and some have been born even bigger than that!

If your man wants to know what you’re going through, ask him to strap a 10 lbs bowling ball to his belly with some sheets, and walk, clean, and sleep with that on your waist...for at least a week. I promise after a few days, he’ll change his tune, and they don’t even have the other beautiful side effects, such as the hormonal changes and the internal cramps.

7 Like Someone Stepped On My Insides

Imagine your intestines, with all that room that they currently have. Now, imagine them squished up and pushed all around your abdominal cavity, to make room for one organ that is getting bigger and bigger.

Welcome to having a contraction. Having contractions feels like someone has taken their boot and just taken a big ol’ step right in your intestines, and then decided to hold a barn dance in there.

6 Passing a Kidney Stone

Many women and men have said that passing a kidney stone is the closest a man will ever feel to giving birth. The stone, which seems tiny in general, feels like an enormous boulder to them, as it stretches the urethra and passes through the small tube in the penis.

Many men cry, scream, and feel agonizing pain when passing a kidney stone, just like many women feel this same kind of pain when giving birth. Men who have had a kidney stone are sometimes a bit more sympathetic to their woman, understanding even slightly how she’s feeling during this time of great pain.

5 Like an Orange Being Juiced

When people say they feel like they’re being squeezed and twisted, they really mean it. It’s one of the most intense pains you’ll ever feel, and just like an orange going through a juicer, for some, it’s a grinding pain.

The visual alone is enough to make some guys wince, and some will never be able to look at orange juice the same way again. And the whole juice coming from the orange bit is similar to when your water breaks, so, this might be an interesting visual to pass on to your man.

4 Like a Freight-Train Running Through Me

Some women have actually likened the cramps to having a vehicle of some kind just plowing through their insides. They describe it like a freight train, running full tilt, just blaring through their insides with a blaring, agonizing speed and pain.

Ok, so that’s a pretty straightforward visual, right? Contractions and childbirth can feel just like this, with the pain, the feeling of someone moving through your body, and the twisting and wrenching cramps.

While some people don’t end up with cramps this bad, or pain in general this bad, many do, and that’s one way to describe it to your spouse.

3 Like Your Atoms have been Spliced

Do you know what spliced atoms are? They are atoms that are broken, either in half or otherwise, split apart, and then drift. You may recognize the term from a certain book about a young, underage wizard, since it’s a term used during a travel accident involving 'wandless' travel. Same concept. Some people describe the pain as one so bad that it feels like they’ve been ripped in half. This concept is easy to describe to a man, or really anyone who has no idea what contraction pain feels like.

2 As if you have Gas Pain... BAD Gas Pain

As I’ve mentioned before, these pains can feel very much like really bad gas pains. Not regular gas pains, mind you, but the kind of pains where you have this big gas bubble in your gut, and you just can’t push out the big fart that you know is there, just waiting to get out, causing you so much trouble.

Many women have described their contractions as feeling just like bad gas, due to the pains feeling very similar. Some have even confused labor for gas, and waited to go to the hospital.

1 Like Being Hit by Lightning...in the Crotch

Have you ever heard of the term ‘the ring of fire’? That’s the term given for the feeling that comes when the baby is crowning, and this pain feels like someone took lightning and just blasted you right in the crotch with it. It’s not fun, but once the head and shoulders are through, the rest goes easier. That doesn’t make it any easier though when it feels like Zeus himself has his lightning bolts aimed right for your cervix. During this time, push when directed, and don’t forget to breathe, no matter how hard it may get.

So the next time your man decides to tell you to ‘breathe hun, it’s no big deal,’ you bring up one of these descriptions to him. Besides, all he should be doing is focusing solely on you and what you need while you go through labor to bring your precious little one into the world, happy and healthy.

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