I always knew I wanted to become a mom, even when I was a kid. I loved being with children; interacting with them, playing with them, caring for them. I was the neighborhood babysitter and I used to teach preschool and kindergarten. So, when my husband and I decided it was time to start our own family, I assumed becoming a mother would be a cakewalk.
Now, as a mother of two, I reflect on my former self and how easy I thought becoming a mom would be and laugh. Yes, there is lots of cake, because its sugary goodness helps me cope with all of the horrifying things that come along with being a mom, but being a mom is the furthest thing from a cakewalk.
Yes, loving my kids is easy, but that’s about the only part of motherhood that IS easy. If I’m being honest, there are times when it is utterly confusing, completely frustrating, absolutely disgusting and downright horrifying.
I’m not trying to scare anyone who is thinking about becoming a mom, I just think it’s important for all women to know all of the insanity that’s involved so they aren’t blindsided. Kind of like a PSA.
Here’s a look at some of the scary things mom will experience…
13There Will Be LOTS Of Tears
And no, I’m not talking about tears from the kids…
Ladies, if you’re thinking about becoming a mama, you had better stock up on waterproof mascara, because you're going to do a lot of crying.
All of those milestone events are going to make you cry like a baby. The first day of school, the first time riding a two-wheeler, the first baby tooth that falls out… Those moments make you proud, yet sad, as you realize how quickly your kids are growing.
You’re also going to shed a lot of tears out of exhaustion and frustration. Like when your kids won’t let you sleep for longer than 3 hours a night, you’re going to cry because you’re exhausted and frustrated.
12Hands Will Turn Into Tissues
Along with being able to create life and feed another human being from our bodies, nature gave moms another incredible ability that I wasn’t aware of until I had kids… Our hands work just as well as a tissue.
Yes, it’s totally disgusting, but when my kid has snot running down his nose and I don’t have a tissue handy, I have no other choice but to use my hand. And I’m not the only mother who does this. I see moms at the park, the library, in stores and pretty much everywhere else using their hands to wipe their kids’ snot.
And yes, we have all thought to carry wipes and Kleenex in our bags, but you’d be surprised how quickly those suckers run out.
11Most Of The Time Is Spent Cleaning Poo
Gross, I know, and that’s why it’s horrifying, and I think it’s important for anyone who is thinking about becoming a mom to know…
As a mother, especially when your kids are young, you will spend a majority of your time cleaning up fluids and excrement that come from someone else’s body. I knew that was a part of motherhood, but I had no idea how much of motherhood would be spent cleaning up the vial grossness that comes from someone else’s body.
Dirty diapers, snot, spit up… I cannot tell you how many times in a day I clean up something utterly disgusting that come from my kids’ bodies. How can something so cute create so much nastiness?
10Flushing Other People’s Toilets
Yeah, this one is pretty horrifying, too.
You wait patiently for the day when you won’t have to change diapers anymore, and when it comes, you jump for joy – until you realize that you still have to see your little one’s “gifts” in the toilet. It’s like you can’t escape it!
My girlfriend’s little guy is 8-years-old and has not required any help in the bathroom for years; however, she STILL has to endure seeing the nastiness that he leaves in the toilet because he ALWAYS forgets to flush it! Hell, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into her bathroom to find a nice little unpleasant surprise in the toilet. Talk about gagging!
9Sleep Or Netflix? The Struggle is Real
Before I had kids, I could get as much sleep as I wanted to, and I could watch my favorite TV shows whenever I wanted to. Now that I am a mom, I constantly struggle with deciding if I should stay up and catch up on my favorite Netflix shows and going to bed to get the sleep that I so desperately need.
I try, in vain, to stay awake and enjoy a few hours of quite solitude without having someone need me to do something for them every 5 seconds while watching something other than cartoons.
What usually happens? I fall asleep 10 minutes after putting the TV on. One day I’ll see more than the first 10 minutes of the new season of OITNB!
8Getting Dressed Will Be A Special Occasion
I’ve never been a ‘fashionista’, but I did put some time and effort into what I wore before I had kids, even if it was just jeans and a T-shirt. Now, as a mom of two, wearing jeans and a T-shirt is like wearing a ball gown! I’m not even kidding. Most days, I pull on a pair of yoga pants (and not because I’m practicing yoga – though I probably should) and a shirt that has the least amount of stains.
It’s not that I don’t care what I look like, but what’s the point in getting dressed in ‘real’ clothing if it is only going to get covered in snot, juice and sticky substances that I can’t identify?
7Pockets Are Always Filled With Unidentifiable Objects
On a daily basis, I stick a hand in my pocket and pull out objects that I can kind of, sort of identify, but usually, I have no idea what they are. A balled up fruit snack covered with sand and pocket lint, a lollipop stick wrapped in a snotty tissue… It’s gross, it’s disgusting, and it happens every single day. Why? – Because my kids will hand me some random object(s) throughout the day, usually when there isn’t a garbage can around, and I just shove it in my pocket. What’s even more disgusting is when I forget to pull these unidentifiable out of my pockets before I toss my pants into the washing machine. Now THAT is really disgusting!
6Meals Will Consist Of Someone Else’s Scraps
Before I became a mom, I enjoyed real meals, complete with items from the major food groups: protein, veggies, dairy, you know; things that normal people eat.
Since I have become a mother, my meals have drastically changed. Sandwich scraps, the last scoops of a yogurt, cold pancakes that have one bite taken out of them and are covered in syrup… Yep, that’s pretty much what my meals consist of now.
My top priority is feeding my kids, but they never, EVER eat an entire meal, so since I usually don’t have the time to prepare a meal for myself and I don’t want to perfectly good food in the trash, I eat their scraps instead. Every mother I know does the same thing, too.
5The Bathroom Will Become A Hideout
Sometimes, I just need a break from the questions, having to get something for someone, the mess and the utter chaos that is motherhood. I can’t lounge on the couch because my kids have taken over the living room, I can’t go to my bedroom because they follow me there, and I can’t leave the house because, you know, they need to be watched… So, where can I go when to get some peace and quiet for a few minutes?
I’ll grab my phone, run into the bathroom, put down the cover on the toilet, lock the door and blissfully scroll through my Facebook newsfeed because the kids can’t follow me in there. Ha! Who am I kidding? They follow me there, too!
4Prepare For Never Ending Stories
For those who have problems with sitting through long movies or who can’t quite seem to get to the end of a long novel, be forewarned that there are going to be a lot of never ending stories in your future; stories that you can’t turn off or put down...
My kids tell the longest, most detailed and most drawn out stories. They have to tell me every single detail, from the color of the crayon that broke when they were coloring a picture was to every single step that was involved with building a Lego. Don’t get me wrong; I love that my kids share with me and that they are so detailed, but holy tomatoes, most of their stories could have been 5 words, not 5,458,932 words! Sheesh!
3There Will Be Questions That Cannot Be Answered
Kids are very inquisitive, which means they ask lots of questions. I have no problem with answering their questions about things like, “Why is the sky blue?” or “What makes rainbows?” You know, questions that you can really answer. You know, the questions that people have been pondering for eternity or that are just too damn awkward to answer, like, “Why do people exist?”, “Where do thoughts come from” or “How did I get in your belly?”
When the kids ask these kinds of questions, I have absolutely no idea what to say, yet they insist on receiving an answer. That’s usually when I say something like, “Because elephants fly,” and they respond with “Interesting…” And get lost in their thoughts.
Everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another, and it feels like the worst thing in the world, but let me tell you, whatever heartbreak you have experienced in your life is nothing compared to the aches you will feel in your heart when you have kids.
I will never forget the day my son came home from school and said that someone made fun of him because of the birthmark on his neck. He looked so sad and confused. His voice trembled and he just jumped into my arms and started to cry a little. Seeing his little heart being broken made my heart feel like it had been pulled out my chest and stomped on by elephants.
1Prepare For Potty Talk
This is especially true for mamas of boys.
Never in my entire life did I think that I would hear the words pee, poo, fart, burp and penis so much. It seems that potty language is all that my boys know how to do. It drives me to the brink of insanity about 700 times a day. I have tried every which way to get them to stop – talking to the calmly and explaining why it’s gross, screaming at them, giving the time outs, taking things away from them – yet nothing seems to work!
I could seriously have just flipped my lid because someone said “fart” and two seconds later, one of them says it again! Seriously? Why are gross potty words so funny to them?
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