Do you value your privacy? If so, you’ll need a strong stomach for motherhood, because once you get pregnant and have your baby, you will never be alone again. You won’t have your coveted privacy in the precious moments when you expect to have it, so before you have your baby, enjoy every single second of privacy you have now, because those days are numbered.
Think this is just an exaggeration, you obviously haven’t thought this motherhood thing through.
13 During Birth
You expect your doctor and some nurses to have to have a look at your vagina during labor, because where else are they going to look? First of all, the hospital staff is working on shifts, so if your baby takes their sweet time coming into this world, expect more than just one doctor and 2 nurses to be coming and looking at your private parts.
12 How You Parent
As a parent you have to run your household, but how you run your house will be scrutinized by family and friends. Especially if you give advice (whether it was solicited or not) and it doesn’t work or jive with what your friend or family member believes.
Expect that tidbit you gave to get spread amongst circles of people who disagree and now judge you for your private and personal decisions you make as a mother.
Whether you’re taking a nap or going to bed at night, you’ll lose your privacy in your sleep. Your baby and children will enter your dreams and wreak havoc on you during a time when you think you have at least 3 hours of privacy.
If you bed share with your baby or child, you’ve definitely lost more than just your private dreams, you’ve lost your private bed. Now any sound that your body makes will be examined by your toddler, C-L-O-S-E-L-Y.
10 On the Toilet
When nature calls, you won’t always have someone on hand to help you with your baby or toddler while you handle your business. In these moments you’ll have to take your child with you into the bathroom.
Expect your kids to congratulate you on your bowel movements if they’re potty training. If you’re in a busy public washroom and really unlucky, your toddler might even decide to leave the bathroom stall while you’re still sitting on the toilet.
9 Grocery Shopping
This might seem like a benign activity, but you don’t realize how much you enjoyed your privacy during your time in the grocery store until you’re pregnant or start taking a baby or your children with you. During your pregnancy everyone wants to know how far along you are or if they can feel your belly, and when you shop with a baby, everybody wants to see the baby.
This isn’t a bad thing, but by the time you leave the store everyone will have had a look at your baby or rubbed your pregnant belly.
Should you be shopping with a toddler or child, expect a melt down at some point which will draw the attention and scorn of everyone who can hear your child’s screams.
Once your children reach a certain age, usually 3-4 years old, expect anything you say to be repeated at any given time to anyone. So if you have a habit of talking about people, expect your child will tell people what you say about them behind closed doors.
Also, if you have big news and your toddler knows about it, it’s no longer a secret. Your toddler is a secret-spilling time bomb waiting to go off.
7 Private Conversations
Along with your secrets, just know that if you’re having a private conversation with your toddler in the room, that conversation is no longer private. Your toddler is like a stenographer, they’re mentally recording everything that you and your cohort are saying. Excerpts of your conversation will be leaked at an inappropriate time, you just don’t know when that time will be.
Taking your kids to a sit down restaurant means that your children might interrupt your private dinner when they begin spying on fellow patrons. This means that you have to break that restaurant bubble and apologize through your embarrassment to the couple in the next booth trying to have a romantic dinner.
Worse yet, your child may continue to stare at the next table throughout dinner no matter how much you ask, plead, and threaten them to sit back down.
5 Getting Dressed
This goes back to not having another person at home to take the baby for you while you get dressed or watch your toddler so you can have some privacy. As soon as the clothes come off your kids are looking. At least your baby can’t say anything, but they are watching.
A toddler watching you will lead to all sorts of questions about your body. If you didn’t feel self conscious about your body before, you might after fielding some questions from your kid.
4 In the Shower
Here’s yet another situation you’ll find yourself in where you’re going to be undressed in front of your baby or toddler. You can put your baby in a bouncy seat in the bathroom while you shower, but that won’t stop you from sticking your head out to check on your baby.
You might even bring your toddler into the shower with you, trying to kill two birds with one stone. During this time you will once again be answering questions about bodies.
3 Your Hidden Treasures
This can be anything from snacks you try to hide from your kids to your personal bedroom toys that your children find when they’re going through your bedroom. These little gems will be found unless you lock them away in a safe, and right about now you’re probably hoping it’s only your secret stash of Oreos your children find after reading this.
2 On the Phone
Some people love talking on the phone. Your love of your phone can cause you to climb into a bubble when you’re taking a call. This is the point where you’re so involved in your phone call, that you forget other people are around.
If your children are around while you’re on the phone, they’re listening to everything, and they’re going to tell someone what they heard. I just hope you said only good things about people you know and love while you were on the phone.
1 In the Bedroom
This is 40 wasn’t exaggerating about the lack of intimacy when Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann were attempting to have some sexy time while their kids were banging on the bedroom door yelling and demanding their parent’s attention.
You don’t have to be 40 to experience this, you just have to have kids. A closed door is a child’s alarm that their parents are trying to do something without them. As soon as you close that door and lock it, expect at some point your child will be there banging on it and yelling at you to let them in.