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14 Crazy Thoughts Every Guy Has When A Baby's On The Way

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could read men’s minds?

It would be especially nice if we could read the minds of the fathers of our babies. What are these guys really thinking? Are they as happy as we are or are they silently freaking out on the inside?

As women, we confide in our friends and family about our dreams, fantasies, and even our darkest secrets. It comes naturally to us, but for guys... this isn't usually the case. When we get curious about what's going on in their mystery minds we ask them the question they loathe, "what are you thinking about?" At this point, even if his mind is blank he knows he better come up with a good answer.

When the big news drops that there will be a new addition to our family, we never know exactly how our men will react. While we are planning the nursery and obsessing over baby names, men have an entirely different perspective on how to prepare before the baby arrives.

It sucks that we will never be able to truly read their minds. Although we trust in our men to tell us the truth, there are a few common thoughts that your man may be secretly thinking of but not sharing.

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14 "But I'm Too Young To Be A Dad"

This guy should have listened to his sex-ed teacher when he was given the lesson about how to put protection on a banana. Even if he thinks he's too young to be a dad, he doesn't have a choice about passing on his DNA once his child is conceived.

So, while he may be holding it together on the outside, on the inside he may be thinking, "Holy! I'm going to be a dad. As with any change, it takes a little time to process that our entire world will be shifting in monumental ways. It brings to mind that Kenny Chesney song, "There goes my life."

Although life changes, it doesn't mean it's over. Our priorities change as we do.

13 "I Hope It's Not A Girl"

If a man doesn't have a gun, he will most likely submit in his application for a "license to carry firearms" as soon as he finds out he's having a daughter.

Guys don't forget what it feels like to be a growing young man. They remember all of the simple things that aroused them. And they also remember what was going through their mind all day (every day) once puberty hit.

With these memories now popping up in their minds, guys cringe with the eery thought of their little girl being objectified by anyone. They start strategizing and imagining the day they can be the superdad with the shotgun who keeps his daughter's virginity in tact for her future husband.

Get a gun safe Mamas! Our men will feel the need to protect their little girl from the moment they see the sonogram pic.

12 "I've Got Super Swimmers"

Nothing makes a man feel manlier than knowing that his juice got you knocked up.

I AM MAN. I HAVE SUPER HUMAN POWERS. I CREATE BABY INSIDE SEXY MAMA.

Forget the fact that it takes both a man and a woman to create life. Forget the fact that it takes two consenting adults to have hands on play. Forget the fact that it takes two to tango.

In many men's minds, they are responsible for creating the life inside of you. He's got the swimmers. He has the super swimmers who made their way from point A, through an obstacle course of unbelievable lady parts, to get to point B. Hey, it must be all him.

11 "I'm Gonna Get Busy With A Pregnant Chick"

Nick J. admits that he used to occasionally dabble in the lesser known fetish some men have for pregnant ladies. Hey, sounds crazy right? Check it out on online. Those pregnant chicks are showing off their naughty bits just like the other adult stars are.

When my body was ripe with pregnancy, before I hit the third trimester, I could not believe the amount of men who would whistle at me and give me that extra boost of confidence and remind me that yeah, as a pregnant mama, I've still got it. Or at least that guy thinks I do. Hey, he either finds my curvaceous pregnant body sexy or he pervertedly thinks that if he somehow got me in the sack, he wouldn't need to wrap it because hell I've already got a bun in the oven...

Of course, us pregnant ladies know that unprotected intercourse can lead to STD's which can lead to birth complications, so as educated women we are not feeling the pregnant one night stand. But, our own men will be able to experience the mystery of tapping the pregnant chick.

10 "How Big Will It Stretch?"

Hmmm! The rumors of the stretched out nether regions... are they true or false? Will I still be able to enjoy it after the baby comes? Or will it feel like I'm sliding into the grand canyon?

Every man has an opinion on this. They might not be saying it out loud, but they are thinking it. Chris R. assured me that although he had his doubts, getting intimate with his wife was still as juicy as ever. Sure her body changed in many different ways during pregnancy, but her new Double D's excited him more than her C cups. Her curvaceous body caught his eye just as much as her flat stomach used too. We either embrace our changes or are haunted by them. Embrace the goddess Mama and your man will feel you radiating confidence and will embrace you too.

9 "I'm So Ready For This"

Ryan S. always wanted to be Daddy. He wanted 6 kids. He dreamed of his marriage and purchasing a house and filling it with children. His first daughter's name was going to be Crystal. It ended up that Ryan did find his dream wife and they bought their dream house.

His wife wasn't too fond of the name Crystal so that part of the fantasy didn't come true but he did have two beautiful daughters. When he found out his wife was pregnant he was genuinely ready. He visualized it and achieved it. He's a good one. There are many men like Ryan who are ready. They have waited until they were financially stable and when the line on the pregnancy test turns pink, they smile and get ready for the miracle baby that they have been waiting for, to come earth side.

8 "I Need To Make More Money"

Although women have come very far when it comes to equality and gender roles, many men still feel the need to be the bread winners.

Let's face it, whomever is bringing in the cash doesn't really matter. It just matters that the cash is rolling in so that we can buy all of the baby's necessities, furnish the nursery, bank the cord blood, and start a college fund. Not to mention the fact that while many women take a lengthy maternity leave, our male counterparts enjoy less time off after baby is born.

He knows that while he would love to be home snuggling with you and the baby someone has to keep paying the bills. It's true kids are expensive. So thinking of how to come up with the cash to meet the family needs is practical and respectable. Two thumbs up for the guys who work hard to make sure their child has every opportunity to be successful in this world.

7 "I Hope She Doesn't Get Fat"

As our bodies are transforming from lean mean machines into a safe cocoon of love and nourishment for our little boy or girl, our men are there to witness it all.

They see the start of the baby bump. They see the monthly pictures on Facebook showing the world the daily, monthly, or weekly growth of our bellies. They see the body of their beloved become a shrine to the unborn life that is kicking inside of it, and they wonder... Will she be the same as she was before she got pregnant? Will she be the mom who continues to eat for 2 or will she remember that housing an entire pizza will cause those new stretch marks to grow and not to fade?

6 "My Last Name Will Live On"

My ex thought this. He had pressure from his family to have a boy to pass on the bloodline. Now he has three children and his last name will continue to be spoken for years to come. Man he would have been pissed off if I decided not to give his kids his last name.

People want to make sure that when they are dead and gone that they can leave there legacy with someone. They want someone to share stories and traditions that are passed down from generation to generation. And they want to be remembered. Having a baby means that after you are gone your memory will live on.

5 I'm Going To Be The Best Dad!

Aww this guy is great. He's the one in couples yoga and birthing classes. He has every page of "What To Expect When Expecting," memorized. He will help you shave before you go into labor. He will make sure the doctor's follow your birth plan, and he will make sure to get up with you in the middle of the night while you nurse the baby.

He's in it with you. He's the guy many ladies dream of while their man is sleeping through the night. He's also the guy that many mamas wish would go to sleep so that they could sip a glass of Merlot and nurse their baby to sleep.

4 "She's With Me"

Oh yeah... that baby is all mine!

Your man might have asked you who's your daddy in bed. If you are vanilla and have never heard this phrase uttered in the bedroom, let me tell you, there are many guys out there that want you to tell them that you are all their's. Even men enjoy being wanted.

When a man has his hot pregnant lady by his side, then all of the other men will know that you are all his. Not only does HE know that you two have been doing the dirty, so does everyone else now. If they were wondering before, their curiosity will be curbed.

3 "I Hope She Doesn't Expect Me to Miss..."

Poker night? That hunting trip? Football playoffs?

My friend Deanna had her daughter during rifle season and much to her shock and dismay her husband felt that going on his annual guys hunting trip to the cabin took precedent over raising their newborn baby. I mean, he goes on this trip every year. It's a manly bonding thing, reinforcing the power of friendship and spirit through the murder of animals and drinking beer. Hey, Mama is more than capable after creating a human life inside of her for 9 months, birthing that life, and then nursing that life, to handle all of the household responsibilities while her man goes hunting and drinks beer, right?

2 "My Wife Can't Find Out"

For the many Daddies out there who have sugar babies, their worst nightmare would be to find out that their mistress is pregnant. After the initial shock fades, he starts to create a cover plan so that he can keep his happy family at home and keep his mistress silent.  He thinks that lying to his wife is better than coming clean and fessing up to the affair.  But as Arnold Schwarzenegger found out, all good things must come to an end. These guys are usually exposed one way or the other somewhere down the line.  It's not a question of if.  It's a question of when.

1 "I'm Getting Snipped"

Ladies don't fret. If he gets snipped you will never need to think about birth control again. Think of all of the hormonal changes that occur from using birth control pills. Remember the awkward visits to the doctor to have your Depo Provera injected into your cheeks. You will not need to suffer through an IUD insertion or removal. You will never have to check to make sure the Nuva Ring is still there or that the rubber hasn't "slipped off" during your love making session. If he gets snipped, it will give you one less thing to worry about and will protect you from having an unplanned pregnancy.

If he wants to take one for the team, I say, "go for it."

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