There are certain chores in the wonderful world of motherhood that will straight up grate on your nerves until you are on the very brink of losing your ever loving mind. Grocery shopping is one of them. Every single Sunday I have to take two to three hours out of my busy life to get in the car and buy two hundred and fifty dollars worth of food that my family will complain about and refuse to eat. You know how prisoners start to lose it when they are forced to stare at the same walls for years at a time? That is how I feel when I enter the supermarket week after week. Here we are again...same stuff, same route, same annoying chore.
Fifty two times a year...until I DIE.
Here are mothers (and a few coming up the pipes) that took grocery shopping to a whole other level. Some are my new heros, some probably should have never reproduced in the first place, but they are have some commonalities that we need to highlight. One: mom selfies will never stop entertaining us. Two: everyone hates grocery shopping. Three: Moms are badass and they straight up do what they want.
14 Nothing Says Cougar On The Prowl Like Cheese
Listen girl, I love me some cheese too! It is truly a food of the Gods. We have that in common, but I am guessing beyond our deep love of swiss and cheddar we don't have a whole lot more qualities to share. For starters, I would never pose on the dairy counter of Kroger in fear that I would be committed for doing something so crazy. Plus I might see my kids' teachers there so I try and act as normal as possible in the supermarket. Second, I would never wear that outfit grocery shopping...or ever. Lastly your feet are on the cheese and that is absolutely sacrilegious to cheese lovers like myself. Move on lady. Take your trashy outfit, dirty shoes and a block of Havarti and step away from my dairy counter. Bottom line: Cheese is delish, but not exactly sexy.
13 Granny For The Grocery Store Win
This seasoned mother is my hero right now. Once you accumulate so many years of trudging through the aisles of grocery stores you earn the absolute right to rock this sweatshirt. This is now my life goal. THIS is what will keep me going when I want to just quit right there in the frozen food section. Think about grocery shopping during the holidays. What runs through your mind the entire time? I bet it is how much you hate everyone isn't it? Grocery stores make you hate humans and life itself. Just thinking about having to prep and cook all of that food I am buying makes me one ornery mother. Please may I spend half a day making a pot roast that no one will end up eating? Man I wish I had a grannie with this kind of sense of humor.
12 Pay Attention To The Background
This gem realized that she looked extra fly while pushing her grocery cart so like all half brained humans of our generation she ran to the bathroom to snap a picture before the clock struck midnight and she found herself back in sweatpants and a messy mom bun. Sometimes us moms have these kinds of moments where we catch a glimpse of ourselves in the glass shelves of the product aisle and think, "Wowzers! I am looking glorious right now! Hurry. We must capture this on film." There is nothing wrong with this...unless you leave your baby on the bathroom counter precariously dangling on the edge of death! If you need to capture your glamour in the Kroger bathroom, just leave the baby in the cart for crying out loud!
11 Flipping For Frozen Foods
I don't know what is happening in this image, but I don't hate it. This mom still has it. Look at that flexibility. She has a few back up performers and matching outfits all in ever-flattering black. Why not show your talents off in the frozen foods section of the supermarket? You are a mom; an O.G. of the Kroger, a frequent flyer at the Aldi, a ninja warrior in the Meijers. Go ahead and just do you. Drop it like it's hot into a side-splits for the world to see. I'm kind of jealous. Even after five years of yoga I still can not make my body stretch like that. The only thing that would make this picture amazing is if her shirt said, "I hate everyone." Then I would be standing up doing a slow clap.
10 Symbols And Signs Everywhere
Whoa mama, let's take the excitement down a notch. It's used for salad and veggie trays, not "other" things. After scouring the internet for the best mom-market-selfies I have learned two very important Supermarket Mom facts: First, supermarkets are like second homes to moms and therefore we feel as if we can do whatever we please there and second, markets make moms kind of horny and instantly immature. It's probably because we don't get out that much during the weekdays. All phallic foods make us want to take funny pictures and send them to our girlfriends. The irony in this is that we really aren't that jazzed about having to see the real things inside of our own bedrooms a few evenings a week, but give us a hot dog or a cucumber and it becomes instant entertainment.
9 Shopping Is Exhausting
This is exactly what I want to do when I am grocery shopping and start thinking about performing this thankless, mundane chore every single week of my life until I die! I give up dammit. Right here in aisle five in the midst of this processed food I surrender. Now I don't do this, I just consider it. This mom took it to a whole other level when she said screw it and took a little shopping break. Also, I feel like maybe we are missing the whole purpose of a belt here. If I am not mistaken they are used to hold pants up, but whatever. I won't judge you for that too harshly. Hell sometimes I don't even wear underwear or a bra to Kroger myself. Sundays are for slumming anyways.
8 The Queen Of The Produce
We are going to close this out with the one and only Grocery Diva, Ms. Mariah Carey, for two reasons. First, her and Britney Spears make just about every fail list I do in some sort of capacity and second, no one believes for a minute that she actually does her own grocery shopping. We get it Mimi, you have giant knockers that are close in size to the pineapples that you are holding. How original and Instagram worthy. Insert eye roll here. Also please explain to me why on earth you would do the holiday grocery shopping in that shirt. No one dresses up for grocery shopping. All of us braless, sans make up moms are side eyeing you in the meat aisle. One last dig and I'll leave the Queen of High Heels alone: it is not sunny in a supermarket so just set the Gucci glasses down and do what you came here to do. Wait. What did you come here to do?
7 Whatever. I Think I'm Funny
So listen. You take the Grannie with the mom montra on her yellow sweatshirt, the beer drinking mother, and this dark-humored lady and you have my mom posse in a nutshell. These are my kind of people. If you have to stand in front of rows upon rows of mini muffins each week wondering if you can get away with buying the blueberry kind instead of chocolate chip and call it the day's fruit, then you might as well break up the mind numbing activity with a freaky mask. Can you imagine the looks she got when she was pushing her cart up and down the cereal aisle. I'm sure there was a heavy dose of shame on you...but also moms like me that thought this move was pure genius.
6 Hold My Wieners Please
Yes, yes. We get it. The package says "weiner" and hence you feel the strong desire to make duck face lips and take a picture of yourself. Listen. It's a hot dog. There is nothing sexy about a hot dog and absolutely nothing sexy about a middle aged woman posing with them in the local supermarket. I hope your children don't use social media because if they do, and they are old enough to grasp the overplayed grocery store innuendo, then they are most likely disowning you right now. I think according to pre-teen and teenager rules you can be disowned by your own child simply by doing duck face now. I'll check with my own angsty preteen and confirm, but I'm fairly sure you are now a family embarrassment.
5 Na-Ma-STOP- Screaming Kids!
I will not lose my mind. I will not lose my mind. I can do this.
Oh my stars why do I take my children to the supermarket with me? When will I learn my lesson. This is a hell I would not wish on my worst energy. The whining. The crying. The fighting all before you leave the produce section. Who fights over fruit? Kids. That's who. Hey ma, we have all been there...in fact I'll be there tomorrow around noon. Look for me. I'll be the one crying and shoving unpaid for twinkies into my mouth just to survive this week's grocery mission. This mom is trying out a new shopping strategy. She is all about the Nama-stop-your-screaming-kids! Just zen it out mom. Make the checkout aisle your very own space of peace and serenity. We should all try this out. Heaven knows we all own more yoga gear that anyone other human group on the planet. It's basically out Suburban Mom uniform am I right?
4 I See No Reason To Put Real Clothes On
Oh my God yes! So much yes to these two moms that said screw it, let's just wear our bathrobes grocery shopping this Saturday. If we have to do this crap every week, we might as well be cozy and comfortable. I am seriously one step away from starting this trend in my own town. Sure, I'll get some initial looks from those other shoppers who are questioning my sanity, but I can count at least ten mom friends right now that will be totally down with bathrobes at Aldi. Seriously though, what do we care? Bathrobes rock. I see no reason why I should have to leave mine to go and buy mass quantities of cheese sticks and Wonder bread on which my small humans will sustain themselves on for the better part of the week. Why do kids only eat beige foods anyways?
3 Always Bring Back Up
This mom isn't playing around. She knows that she is boss of the grocery store and because she spends nearly as much time in this place as she does at home, she can just go on ahead and make her own rules. Normally I would say this is very typically behavior of grocery shopping dads, but this mom is a professional. She has no time to waste here. She probably has two science projects, math homework, soccer games and laundry to get to after this weekly shopping mission. We mothers have no time to fetch a store employee, we pride ourselves on getting the shopping done in less thank fourth-five minutes. Our time is precious and big mama brought her mini with her for this exact purpose. Now get up there kid and get mama her Rock and Rye Faygo.
2 This Is Our Future
Behold...mothers of the future. Well aren't you millennials just adorable...now get out of my grocery store. Grocery stores are for us middle aged mothers who have to feed armies of screaming children all day long. Do not take up room in aisle seven with your dumb selfie. What is even in your cart? Oreos and cereal? I can't even look at that stuff without gaining ten pounds but YOU! You eat that stuff and still look flawless. Who is paying for all that junk? You sure as hell aren't. You both look twelve. Why don't you ease on down the road, grab some contraception in aisle thirteen and a job application on your way out of here. The thought of you fools procreating is terrifying and those Hershey bars are not going to pay for themselves.
1 Strike A Pose
Well color me confused. Are teens snapping selfies in supermarkets a real thing now. According to my recent internet searches this is happening and it's a bit unnerving. The youth of America literally has nothing better to do with their lives than take sexy pictures of themselves in the juice and water aisle. She probably spent two hours getting all jazzed up (to end up looking dressed down...confused again,) drove her mother's SUV to the grocery store, took this picture, bought nothing and left. What did she tell her mom when she got home for dinner?
"Where have you been dear?"
"Oh just taking pictures of myself in the grocery store."
Is no one else concerned about this new and extra stupid youth trend? Is stupidity the new American epidemic?