Pregnancy is a magical time in a woman's life. She is about to welcome her bundle of joy into the world and the nine months prior to the big moment are full of preparation, apprehension and careful thought. There are nurseries to create on Pinterest and then decorate, hundreds of supplies to put on the baby registries, lists of books to read and sleep to stockpile.
Baby announcements are lovingly created on Etsy and sent out to everyone the parents ever knew, (side note moms: your Kindergarten teacher who you have not seen in thirty years doesn't need a baby announcement.) Baby showers are organized and thrown, names are selected with thought and care and childbirth classes are taken at the local hospital. This is a fairly typical, albeit overzealous, sequence of events for most pregnant women.
But then there is this whole other subculture of pregnant moms from the country, you might have heard the name "hillbilly moms" before and "redneck moms." These women follow a seemingly different nine month plan when they find themselves expecting. I don't know exactly what it is about this group of women, but I find them to be equal parts fascinating and terrifying.
14The Sanctity Of Marriage
This loving hick couple is clearly going to be welcoming their bundle of love in a few short months so they are quickly tying the knot. True believers in welcoming children into a home of marriage and unity, they wasted no time getting down to business. They needed no fancy venue, or sleeves on shirts apparently, they just got hitched right there in front of their single-wide trailer! No best man? No problem! Their ever faithful Rottweiler looks happy enough to play the part. These two were so excited to tie the knot and start their little family that they didn't even have time to find the groom pants without rips...or something to fix that missing tooth. We wish these two a lifetime of good luck, and even more luck to their child.
13Capture Each And Every Moment
Pregnancy photo sessions are all the rage right now. Just google it and prepare to be amazed at the interesting images that befall your eyes. Some are sweet and tasteful, but believe me...many are not. Roughly ninety percent of those that are downright disturbing are hick related. How do I know this? They will often include at least a few cornerstones of a hick pregnancy: bare bellies, guns, rusted out something, booze and smokes. I like this above example for a number of reasons, the mom is keeping it classy (as she can) by at least covering some of her body parts. This is downright modest compared to others I have seen. Yet it still encompasses all that is country redneck: nature, flannel and really trashy shoes. Can we be honest here? The shoes on display have me all confused and I would kill for a backstory on them.
12Put Family Before All
I get how pregnancy and childbirth is often times a family affair. In many cultures grandparents are an everyday component to the child's life, often living with the parents and baby to help care for everyone. Although it isn't exactly a common American practice, it certainly has it's place in the hick pregnancy culture. I love this snapshot of mom, dad and baby...and grandma holding onto mom like they are posing for prom. We most certainly could not leave Grandpa out of the mix so he is here too smiling pretty. This is a hick photo for sure. You can tell by the uncomfortable feeling you get watching them all pose like this... as if dad is doing something awkward and mildly inappropriate. Also please note the majestic scenery. I rest my case.
11Decorate The Bump Is A Must
All pregnant hicks see to enjoy drawing on their tummies when they are pregnant, but the reasoning is kind of a myself to the rest of us. Walking around with images of mascots on a bulging belly just doesn't make sense to those of us not versed in redneck ways. If it's Halloween I suppose you get a pass for this kind of behavior, but really you could class it up and draw on a shirt as opposed to your skin. We get it...you're preggers. No need to draw attention to yourself ladies. I can say with full confidence that even without the tattoos and hideous displays on your bare bellies, you stick out like a sore thumb. The artful bellies go hand in hard with their constant need to strut around in public flaunting their stretched skin. Can't see the masterpiece under the shirt now can we? Really though, just stop.
10Always Eat A Healthy Diet
Her body is a temple and she must treat it as such especially when incubating. Pregnant women need plenty of fruits, veggies, vitamins and protein in order to keep themselves and their babies healthy for the nine month duration. This mom is making sure she has plenty of protein in her diet. I will admit, her avenue of acquiring that protein is a bit unconventional, as most of us would just head to the supermarket and grab a steak, but this is hick culture. Shooting things and proudly displaying it dangling from your hands is totally the norm in her neck of the woods. This hick mama even gets bonus points for wearing sanitary gloves while toting around her dinner. I bet she is just a wiz in the kitchen.
9Love Who You Love
I love this because love is love ya'll. We don't often see a whole lot of same sex couples in the hick culture and the ones we do get a gander at are usually drunk twenty year old girls, sloppily kissing in a trashy bar, so this is really refreshing. This couple, (who look strikingly similar but I'm not even going to go there,) is posing in nature with their kids and favorite hunting dog. Of course we have the ever present bare-belly that is oh so common in hillbilly pregnancy pictures. The best part of the picture though is the dog's face. That dog is all of us who have ever been a part of a hick family and spent their entire existence counting down the minutes until they can get the hell out of there.
8Always Stay Hydrated
Staying hydrated is incredibly important for a pregnant lady's body. It aids in the development of the placenta, the amniotic sac and can help keep Braxton-Hicks contractions at bay. This mom is making sure to quench her thirst. Maybe she was desperately searching for a water, but all she could find was that beer? Maybe she is just pretending for the camera? Maybe she is merely a thirsty hick jonesing for a brew. There are some other real tell tale signs of a hick pregnancy happening here too. The blue eye shadow is a dead giveaway as is the twine that she is using as a belt. Also what is up with all rednecks having their shirts pulled up and over their bellies? Do pregnant hicks have higher body temperatures than the rest of us? It's kind of a hick mystery.
7Protecting The Baby Is A Must
The love between a hick and her guns runs very deep. This lady here is a prime example of a pregnant hick sharing in the timeless tradition of "shootin' thangs" with her unborn bundle of joy and her man. Those guns have got to be loud. Can a fetus have hearing loss from loud noises, I wouldn't think so, but still. This is standard pregnant hick practice though. While their suburban preggo counterparts are out registering for blankies and bottles, this mom is out and about testing out her glock. She's gotta make sure the thing shoots just right before the baby comes I suppose. The red dress is an interesting contrast to the mud and camouflage that surrounds this mama to be. I applaud her for stepping out of the camo comfort zone we so often see in these images.
6Maternity Fashion Is An Art
Just because you are the size of a large sea mammal doesn't mean you shouldn't dress up and allow yourself to feel sexy when you are expecting. Some of the best advice I received when I was pregnant and a new mother was to get dressed up and put on makeup. Sometimes if you look nice, you feel nice. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that this hick mama and I have very differing tastes when it comes to fashion, but at least she is trying. Maybe dressing up like a can of cheap beer makes her feel like a total MILF, I don't know. Of course she is posing on a hooptie car and smoking a cigarette which helps us to identify her as a total hick mom-to-be.
5Wear Your Heart On Your Shirt
As a woman progresses through nine agonizing months of expanding, stretching, and exploding she must really learn how to clearly express her needs to her partner. You know the saying: If mama ain't happy, no one is happy. This hick got that memo loud and clear. Read her shirt and try not to throw up in your mouth. Granted pregnancy can make you far more hornier than you imagined you would be, (one of nature's crap-ass jokes,) but there are probably better ways to communicate that than this shirt. This is a pregnant hick if I have ever seen one guys. If I were a guy I would make sure to keep a wide berth with this one. She looks like she is out for a kill and I'm guessing she means business.
4A Couple Who Hunts Together, Stays Together
Prior to welcoming their little one into the world it was just the two of these hunting lovebirds enjoying a nice kill in the woods. They show us here that it is important to continue connecting with your spouse once you realize that you are expecting. Babies absorb a lot of your attention and time and it becomes really necessary to pencil in date nights and quality time as a couple. Maybe you go to dinner or to the movies once a month. Some couples feel like they can still squeeze in some quality time sitting on the couch and watching their favorites shows once the kids nod off. Other couples, like this young hick couple, are making time to do what they love best, shoot things and then prom pose with dead animals for the camera. I hope this gem is hanging over their fireplace.
3Raise The Children With Structure and Discipline
We can't have a gaggle of hick children running around the trailer park with no morals and values now can we? (Just kidding.) This mom is a seasoned hick mom, this is clearly not her rodeo and she knows that she must keep those kiddos in line. Behave in the Quickie-mart kids or I will smack you with this processed meat stick! I give her credit for laying the hot dog smack down on those two kids, but she needs to probably back up a minute and maybe back right down the door. One kid is missing shoes and the other is wearing a shirt large enough to fit a linebacker. Of course her shirt is hiked up and tucked under her tata's because we all know hicks love those bare bellies. Whatever happened to no shirt, no shoes, no service?
2Have Maury On Speed Dial
Pondering the deep questions of the universe can lead us into a better sense of zen and enlightenment. No one know this better than the expectant hick mother. She will often times find herself sitting on her lazy boy chair that is strategically placed on her dilapidated porch thinking to herself: Where did I put my Marlborough Reds? When is my next government check coming? and Who is this baby's daddy? A timeless question asked by thousands of pregnant hicks that have come before this young mother. In her case there is a sliver of good news, a silver lining if you will. I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that the sperm donor is a deadbeat and better left unknown. I know it's harsh, but so are deadbeat hick dads.
1Do As Janelle Evans Does
Maybe you are a hick mom who has lost her way. Perhaps you feel like a leaf blowing in the wind. You've veered off the beaten path and don't know where to go for inspiration. If you don't know where to turn or which direction to head, then look to teen mom Janelle Evans...and do the exact opposite. She is a hick mom if I have ever seen one and she can serve as a prime example of a human being basically doing everything she possibly can wrong. She got knocked up at sixteen, has three kids by three men, lost custody of one son, smokes, drinks, does occasional drugs, and feuds with anything and everything under the sun. Janelle may actually have her own parking spot at the local courthouse, I wouldn't be surprised in the least.
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