Surrogate dreams are shattered daily by just five little words. All it takes is for the surrogate mother to say: “I am keeping the baby” and a couple’s dreams of the perfect family vanish just like that into thin air.
Despite the first official surrogate case dating back to 1983, surrogacy is still a relatively dark and highly controversial process. Many countries, such as France, Spain, Germany, and Portugal have made it illegal, while in numerous other countries, it’s only allowed among relatives.
In the United States and Canada, surrogacy is allowed in most regions. While in most US states, compensation for surrogate mothers is legal, in Canada, it isn’t. A surrogate mother can, however, get reimbursed for incurred medical expenses, as well as wages lost in the event of being put on bedrest. But even in certain parts of these two countries, surrogacy isn’t enforceable and any contract is deemed null.
It can be a very positive and rewarding process, but for most, it’s actually a complete nightmare. One of the biggest stressors in surrogacy cases is when the surrogate mothers wants to keep the baby. Let’s have a look at 15 cases of when the surrogate mother thought about keeping the baby, including some cases that followed through on that thought.
Are you inclined to side with the surrogate mother or the couple who took the baby on this one? A tough situation for sure but one that can happen to pretty much anyone.
Usually, women will decide to be a surrogate for two reasons: either she wants to make some extra money, or they want to help a couple, who wouldn’t be able to have a child otherwise. In some cases, a woman will offer her womb for both these reasons as well.
In this case though, not only did the surrogate mother help a gay couple fulfill their dream of having a child, but she even got stiffed in the process. Sure, she thought about keeping the baby, but at least if she had, the $197,000 hospital bill would have been worth it!
13Maybe There's A Loophole
With this Whisper, there are two possible outcomes: either she kept the baby or she followed through with her agreement. Hopefully, it’s the latter!
When thinking of surrogacy, the concern of getting attached to the baby is all too real. As easy as it may be to think to yourself that you’ll just act as a container for someone else’s baby, fact of the matter is that it’s never that straightforward. We’re not robots and when hormones rear their ugly heads, that’s when any pre-pregnancy thoughts can quickly turn dark.
There’s no way of knowing which way this Whisper’s author swung, but it’s a situation that happens a lot. When the baby begins kicking and twirling around in your tummy, it’s hard not to become attached to the little one, even if it’s just for nine months!
12Never Heard From Again
Not only does this kind of situation happen a lot, but it’s one of the main concerns of any couple who seeks out a surrogate. It’s easy for a woman to agree to be a surrogate, especially when there is a hefty compensation fee involved, but to actually go through with it once the little baby is snuggled in your arms is a completely different situation.
With that being said, it’s still completely wrong of that surrogate mother to have just taken off. Surrogacy is an emotional and expensive process for all parties involved and to just disappear with the baby is awful. Someone replied to this Whisper: “Did you call the police and a lawyer? I wish you all the best of luck finding your child. That woman should be in jail.”
Surrogate horror stories tend to happen more among strangers. Let’s say in the case of a couple seeking someone they don’t know to help give them a child. Surrogate cases among relatives and friends tend to have a happier ending, but it can’t be stressed enough that things can go south all too quickly, especially when there are emotions involved.
We hear all the time of wives and husbands cheating, but for this surrogate to start sleeping with the husband and then raising the child with him… that’s about as twisted as it gets. One person even replied to this Whisper with: “I am sorry. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard”.
Kind of makes you wonder if he hadn’t already been unhappy in the relationship. In which case, he should never have agreed to ask the best friend to carry their child.
10Not My Eggs - Don't Care!
I have mentioned a couple of times of surrogates hopefully not thinking of keeping a baby that wasn’t conceived with her egg. Whether the surrogate mother’s egg was used or not makes a world of a difference and yet apparently in this case, it still didn’t.
After months of promising to the couple that she would give them their twins, the surrogate mother decided to go back on her decision. High intensity emotions appear to have played a tremendous factor in this case as she decided to keep them following an emergency C-section that almost cost her life, but it’s still wrong on so many levels. Although we are given no insight into the other couple’s feeling, one can only imagine how distraught they must have been at losing their twins.
9That's MY Baby
Out of more than 400 replies, one person commented: “It’s not even yours to begin with. You’re just a medium for it to grow”, which couldn’t be more true!
Whether the egg that was used was hers or not, she still agreed to carry someone else’s baby. That’s also the exact reason for which surrogacy contracts are usually signed in advance. However, whether the egg that was used was hers or not and if there was a contract are very important in this case. In either case, her best bet would be to get the couple to void the contract.
It’s a situation that has definitely happened, but one that a surrogate mother shouldn’t count on. Most couples who seek out a surrogate invest too much emotionally and financially to simply let go of the baby for whom they may have been planning for years.
8Between A Rock And A Hard Place
It’s hard to read these kind of Whispers without ever finding out what happened. One can only hope that this surrogate mother did the right thing, but hopefully one reply didn’t sway her the other way.
While someone replied: “That is so mean, Tell someone who can’t have kids: ‘I carry your baby for you’ then change your mind”, another replier gave some vastly different advice. The other one wrote: “Was it your egg and the man’s sperm? If so you can fight for custody of the newborn in family court and give partial custody to the man”.
Brutal, but a situation that has actually happened in the past. It happened to a British couple, who hired a surrogate to both donate the egg and carry the child. After giving birth, she decided to keep the baby and the couple now need to pay $900 in child support.
7Ripped Away From His Arms
This sounds like something straight out of a movie, but it’s a worst case scenario that continues to happen to couples. Until surrogate laws are made stricter, it’s certainly a situation that we can expect to hear about frequently.
For some women, getting pregnant or even carrying a baby to full term is impossible. Infertility is one of the biggest stressors in many relationships. When a woman continually fails to get pregnant or has back-to-back miscarriages, the emotional strain can push the couple to consider surrogacy. They might even ask the surrogate mother to donate one of her eggs, but that’s when things can get tricky.
If the surrogate mother decides to keep the baby, then the court will usually side with her as terrible as it may sound. Even worse is the subsequent court ordered child support!
6Repeat After Me
That’s exactly it. Although a woman who rents out her womb is often called a “surrogate mother”, it’s important to remember that she’s not the mom. She’s merely holding the baby for the real mother for nine months.
However, cases in which the surrogate also donates her eggs is exactly when situations get muddled. Those are the kind of scenarios that often make the surrogate question her intentions, with many deciding to keep the baby after having carried it for nine months.
This Whisper is particularly heartbreaking though as we have no idea if her eggs had been used or not. Hopefully it wasn’t as that would help to alleviate the burden of giving away the baby. But although she thought about keeping the baby, at least with this one, we know that she did the right thing.
According to the CDC, post-partum depression affects up to 20% of women every year. That’s probably one of the leading reasons for which women reconsider on giving away the baby after carrying it for someone else.
This surrogate story is just as heartbreaking as the others. Although once again, she did give away the baby, it’s still awful to know that she now struggles with feelings of regret. Post-partum depression is talked about a lot in regular pregnancies, but it’s never brought up with regards to surrogate pregnancies.
It’s certainly an issue that needs to be addressed as well, especially since the author of this Whisper is having post-partum nightmares about the situation. Here’s to hoping that she got some help though. The important thing to remember here is that she helped another couple with a selfless act!
4Wrong On So Many Levels
The problem with this Whisper is that although she doesn’t share whether she has thought about keeping the baby, she very well may have done it.
Since the surrogate undertook a sexual relationship with the husband, there is a strong chance that she may decide to keep the baby in the hopes of continuing a relationship with him. Or he may initiate breaking up with his wife for these same reasons as well.
An overall awful situation to be in. In fact, one person even commented: “Hope the wife finds out, divorces him and gets full custody of the child. And I hope you get herpes after the birth”.
That would make for some rewarding karma, except for the last part as it wouldn’t be fair for the baby to get exposed to herpes!
3Maybe She Can Babysit
When women decide to be surrogates for relatives, it’s usually a very selfless and positive experience. In many surrogate cases, a couple simply pays a woman to be the surrogate and they break contact once the baby is born.
This Whisper is kind of cringe worthy though because once she gives away the baby, she will undoubtedly see him grow up and wouldn’t be able to get too involved. But can you imagine what would have happened if this woman had followed through on the thought of keeping the baby?
All familial ties would have been severed for sure and the cousin would never have forgiven her. It’s exactly these kind of situations that many couples and surrogate mothers end up in and it’s a factor that needs to be majorly considered before entering any such agreements.
2Not Ready To Give Birth
Here’s another surrogate case gone wrong that will make you hope that she did the right thing. Most mothers in the third trimester can’t wait to finally give birth and hold the precious bundle of joy, whose kicks and hiccups they would have been feeling for the past 40 weeks.
But for a surrogate mother, these thoughts would need to have been cast aside as it’s not their child that they’re carrying. There’s an important distinction to be made: although it’s her womb, it’s not her baby! So to start having “selfish thoughts”, which we can only assume are about keeping the baby are completely unwarranted.
It’s hard not to get attached to a little being that would have been with you 24/7 for nearly nine months, but still, it’s important to remember the bigger cause!
1Not As Easy As It Sounds
It’s not for nothing that surrogacy is a highly controversial topic with it being banned in many countries! For a surrogate to begin having thoughts of keeping the baby is actually quite common. No word on whether she ended up keeping the baby, but the most alarming part about this Whisper is certainly the last two words.
She wrote: “my baby” when really, it should have been “the baby”. In surrogacy cases, the baby doesn’t belong to the surrogate mother. She’s carrying the baby, but it’s not her baby.
It’s even more messed up if it wasn’t her egg that was used, but it’s wrong in either case. Hopefully she followed through with her decision to give away the baby as promised because as a surrogate, the baby wouldn’t have been hers to begin with.
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