Apparently there are women that bounce back after giving birth to babies. They have some super mutation in their genes that allows their body to snap back into place like a rubber band right after the baby shoots out.
Am I jealous of this? You betcha. Do I have friends that appeared to have this happen? Yep. Am I really using the "I have a friend" excuse here to soften this list? Yepper.
Women are amazing creatures and whether she bounced back the day of birth or she is still working on the baby weight leftover from college - she is fierce. High five to all the mama bears out there. We make this look good, no matter what. Below are some things that are kind of hmm...umm well they are things that annoy me about women that bounce back. I say it with love, though. Read it with the love that is intended.
Somebody grab me some peanut butter to go with my jelly and lets get on with the list. Hopefully even if you are one of these rare creatures that got the pre-baby body back after birth you can laugh with as we poke fun.
15 They Wear Their Jeans Home From The Hospital
How is that even comfortable? Even if I could have fit into my jeans, I'm pretty sure I would not have based on principal. Dude, those maternity pants were comfortable. If there was an excuse to stay in them longer, I was taking it.
You can stuff your mesh padded to the hilt underwear in to those skinny jeans. I'll be over here in my maternity sweat pants glory letting things get some air to heal. Hey, guess what? There is even room for an ice pack in here. Boo-ya baby! You can't tell me those jeans have room for that. Built in air conditioning in my pants. Don't mind if I do. I feel sorry if you didn't have that pleasure. There are only so many times in your life when it's acceptable to walk around like that. I can sleep well at night knowing that I lived those moments to the fullest.
14 They Forget to Eat
Umm, so did I, but I smelled food and apparently that is the same to my brain as eating it. Also if I by some miracle my body didn't absorb calories through my nasal passageways it would pack on the weight like no one's business when I started eating again. How did you manage to trick your body into not ballooning after introducing food again. Or are you still forgetting to eat?
The whole feast and famine caveman days ensure that if I do start to lose weight from not eating, I will put it on before you can say Tyrannosaurus Rex when eating commences again. My body frowns on starving myself. My body loves me so much that it wants to make sure that this belly sticks around to feed off of in the future should something happen to the worlds food supply.
13 They Breastfed So They Melted
This is a pretty common reason that people say they lose weight. I'm sure that it does help as I have read about the extra calories being burned from breast feeding. I have also seen some people breast feed and not lose weight, so I'm calling bull that it's the whole reason.
Can we start just saying- I bounced back because I'm genetically superior to everyone? Or I bounced back because I don't sit on the coach, eat cheetos, and cry like Mandy (me) does? That feels more honest to me. I think what bugs me is the I'm not trying attitude. Pretend you tried or pretend that you know that you are lucky to not have to try. Is that so much to ask? And if it is, can you still do it anyway? Don't let your humanity melt away with your baby weight.
12 They Love The Curves Motherhood Gave Them
I too received curves from motherhood. There was the curve that is the permanent frowny face my belly button makes now from being stretched to its capacity. The curves that are like penny filled socks which my breasts now resemble from being filled and then emptied. The curve of the my brow as I look in the mirror and silently scream into my own eyes "WTF have I done to myself" after getting up for the 5th time that night to a crying baby.
There is the curve of my middle finger as I raise it to salute those mothers and their more womanly shapes. Motherhood gives way more than it takes, but there is no doubt that my body is not an improvement. No amount of grading on a curve is going to make it so.
11 They Never Got Stretch Marks
Well pin a rose on your nose. Winning the genetics lottery yet again? Wow, that must get old. I can only assume.
Yes, you can try the lotions and oils to try to help with avoid the stretch marks and maybe these women will give you their secret recipe or concoction that saved them from the horror (THE HORROR) of stretch marks. The thing is that even with all of that if you are genetically disposed to it, you will probably still get stretch marks.
These days I hear them referred to as tigers stripes. I like that so much better than stretch marks. It sounds pretty hard core. In fact, you keep that smooth skin bounce back mom's me and my stripes have things to get done.
10 Their Babies Sleep Through The Night At 1 Hour Old
I know, it doesn't even seem possible. Forget about that for a minute and come along with me.
I swear these women have the stars aligned for them in a special way that makes life perfect. Maybe they have perfected The Secret and making vision boards (note to self read "The Secret" and make a vision board with lots of pictures of sleeping babies prior to next pregnancy.)
Also part of the reason they are able to bounce back (I have convinced myself) is that their babies are perfect and sleep. Of course you can bounce back from things if you are able to sleep. I think I could stop a car with my pinky finger if I was able to get a full 10 hours of sleep some day. Don't test me on that. It's just a feeling I have. Not everything has to be proven people.
9 They Seem Unable To Acknowledge Different Priorities
Do you remember the "What's your excuse lady?" Oh my goodness. She was like the pinnacle of this. You do remember her. You may not remember her name or anything, but you probably remember how she made you feel. She had kids and was a single mom and she worked, and yet she still was able to be ripped. Good for her you are thinking, why is that a problem? The problem was when she said "What's your excuse?" Implying that we all wanted to be her.
There was quite a bit of blow back on this. The thing is that many of us aren't looking for excuses. Many of us are trying to get by being the best we can and we prioritize differently. Nothing is more frustrating than feeling like someone is passive aggressively telling you that you aren't doing things right without knowing your specific situation.
8 They Loved Being Pregnant
If I looked like a goddess after pregnancy, I may have loved every minute of it too. Even though I came out of it looking more like a hobbit than a goddess I still didn't mind it. There is that one pregnant lady that is sunshine and rainbows through everything though. She has the positive spin for everything. She wakes up sweating early morning dew. Her dookies smell of fresh rain. Her face looks like she bathed in 14 K gold. Her hair has tripled in thickness and it resembles a shampoo commercial as she saunters down the hallways. She doesn't get cankles. In fact when you mention them you end up having to explain that cankles are like Brangelina of body parts. Calves and ankles. It's a cute play on word. Then you awkwardly stare at each other because she gets the word, but doesn't understand how people are deformed.
7 They Didn't Puke The First Trimester
My grandma always said don't ever trust a pregnant woman that doesn't spend one quarter of her pregnancy over the toilet. She didn't really say that, but she was a pretty agreeable woman, so I think she would go with me on this one.
I don't understand why some women don't get sick in their first trimester. Since I don't feel like it is fair I am going to take this time to whine about it. It's annoying of you not to have to think about where you will puke at every moment if an emergency stomach evacuation was necessary. Hey I've already said I'm jealous. This is not news. If you have never had to swallow back a vurp in order to save your elevator mates from a horrific show, then I can't understand you. And if you never had to do that and you bounced back after having your baby-I'm not sure we are from the same planet.
6 They Had A Perfect Round Pregnancy Belly
Did anyone else have like a lopsided fatty pregnancy belly bump? No? Ok, no that's fine. I'm fine now. It eventually did inflate to where it was supposed to be.
It's just that I was lead to believe that the shape would be forthcoming and beautiful on it's own. I love the perfect round baby bumps and I coveted it. They are so very very perfect and cute. I didn't have one. It was my own fault. I had gained and lost weight so much prior to pregnancy that my body wasn't really sure how to proceed with this new unleashing of hormones and weight/water. Therefore when I gained weight for pregnancy I gained weight everywhere. I had a face baby, a thigh baby and a neck baby.
5 They Didn't Wear The Maternity Pants To Thanksgiving One Last Time
Yeah I said it, and you know what I probably did it too. Thanksgiving is serious business. There are very few pairs of pants equipped to handle the beating that Thanksgiving will have in store for them. Maternity pants are just the sensible choice most of the time. I mean they are just sitting there, what else do they have to do. I hate spending money on outfits that I am just going to wear for 9 months. If I get them out to wear them one day a year for the rest of my life on the day of Thanks I am getting my money worth.
I am not sure bounce back mama's even have the good sense to think that through. I am pretty sure they may look down on me for having such a thought. Don't look down too far because you may not like the elastic band that you see poking back out at you. In case that wasn't clear the elastic band is going to be the maternity pants that I have sneaked back into my wardrobe.
4 They Probably Gave Up Their Coffee And Were Fine
I'm not sure what happened, but I reached a certain age that requires me to drink coffee or else people may end up hurt. It's not a threat, unless you work with me, talk to me through the day, or live with me... then you should probably make sure that I have the drink of the gods available. Giving up the coffee beans for pregnancy was hard. And it required a lot of patience and positive thinking- from those around me as I raged and tried not to get spittle on them as I yelled mere centimeters from their faces.
I bet these bounce back ladies never even knew the rage. They probably gave up this and the lunchmeat without so much as a frown. How? How did they avoid the headaches and the blinding anger that accompanies giving up the caffeine. I don't know, but it's pretty annoying.
3 How About Those Girls That Didn't Need To Buy Maternity Clothes
Those girls that just buttoned their jeans under their bellies and it worked out ok. The ones that were able to wear their bikini's still just rearranging slightly around the lovely lump of baby that was in their abdomen. Ha- as if I could even be in a bikini at all and then adding on the part where it was a pre-baby one. Well that's just annoying and hurtful that people can do that. And yet they can and they can look perfect doing it.
They can wear their t shirt from before baby and they are perfectly tight in the right places. They don't show that back fat roll that is crying for breath outside your bra. The bra that is supposed to smooth that back fat, but is not made of straight jacket material so is found to be lacking.
2 They Run 5Ks
Argh- you go girl! Way to go running that 5K in your 9th month of pregnancy. Thank god the path takes you by the hospital. I am scared that your baby is going to drop out in the second half of the race. Do you care if I run behind you with a barrel just in case? Who am I kidding? I won't be running. I will be likely trying to talk by standers into passing the wheel barrow down the length of the line. My heart is in the right place.
Does your doctor know that you are doing this? Only question that I have and then I swear I will let you continue on your merry speedy way. I caution you to remember the story of the tortoise and the hare. Well, yeah I mean I was the tortoise. What did you think? Oh, no I'm much slower than you no matter what condition you are in. I was just making the point that if I did run, it is conceivable that I could win. I'm not going to run.
1 They Probably Didn't Use Their Maternity Leave Catching Up On Daytime TV
So help me if you didn't get roped into one soup opera, one game show or one court show I'm not even sure I can't relate to you at all. What is maternity leave for if not to recover with some shows that you never get to see? Oh, and I suppose to get to know and love your baby too. How do you live with yourself if you aren't watching Judge Judy yell out her famous "Looks fade, but stupid is forever?"
If you spent your whole maternity leave being so busy you missed out on sleeping or trash tv I feel annoyed on your behalf. I hope that you at least got some sleep while the baby slept. I hope that you filled your time with things that made you happy. Including, but not limited to your baby. My bliss is watching Judge Judy while rockabying the baby and telling her how the ruling will be.