Most new Moms are so excited to be pregnant. Some are even lucky enough to have a great pregnancy with lots of energy and no nausea. The last few months are tough on any woman. It is the matter of carrying another human being inside. No biggie. After that, there is the glorious moment when said human being pops out. That is a celebration indeed, and one of the most, if not the most, defining moment of a parent’s life.
Family and other well-wishers are usually present to usher in this special time for Mom and her partner. Most of them have only good tidings and positive advice for the couple. But what of those who bring unwanted advice and comments? And you know what, as most Moms soon figure out, there is no ONE right way to parent.
Every parent and every baby is different. This is how it should be. Every human being has a different character and way of coping with things. Babies are little human beings, so why do we think they all have to be brought up the same way? The following comments need to be taken lightly by mothers everywhere for this reason.
Remember, each Mom is an expert of her own child. New Moms need to learn enough, so instead of criticizing let’s make in effort in giving support. Here’s hoping for every new Mom reading this, that they don’t have to hear the following 15 things said to them after giving birth.
15 Mom Needs To Eat For Two When Breastfeeding
This one is a fun one to try, but trust me, the only problem you’ll have is not fitting into your pre-pregnancy jeans like me. All jokes aside, the people that speak of eating for two are wrong. Yes, it is important for new Moms to eat well and balanced meals and snacks, but once baby is out of their belly so there is no reason for these Moms to eat like baby was still inside.
In all honesty, pregnant women should only gain weight in the last trimester. There's no need to cruise around satisfying every fast food craving for 40 weeks.
I don’t know where this one came from, but again it puts so much pressure on Moms who are most likely doing fine with feeding the little one and themselves. Just tell these people to refrain from commenting when baby and Mom are getting all the nourishment they need. And Moms, don’t use the excuse to eat more due to having a baby.
14 There Is Only One Way To Parent Correctly
Again, this is similar to the holding versus putting baby down comments. There are as many parenting approaches as there are parents and babies, and even in those categories, the personalities of all individuals will play a part in deciding what parenting method will work best for what family.
It will only cause rifts with family members and friends if judgment is passed on how a parent chooses to show love, affection, discipline etc. In the early days of parenthood, as long as the important things are observed: baby is fed, changed as needed, comforted and shown love by cuddling, singing or cooing to him/her, clothed appropriately, everything else will fall into place whatever parenting method or combination of methods parents decide to use.
There are many ways to be a good parent, and love is how parents can start. After that, how they play, talk and interact with their child is their business.
13 Sleep When The Baby Sleeps
This is one of those comments that family and even some friends will say, but that drive most Moms crazy. Why? Well, sure in theory sleeping when baby does is helpful for Mom’s rest, but what about, like, housework, cooking, and chores? Who will magically do those? Unless she is lucky to have cleaning help, most women have to make the best of this time and do at least some mundane tasks.
It is one of those catch 22’s. If such individuals really wanted to be helpful, perhaps offering to come over and cook and clean a bit so Mom can rest while baby does, (especially during those first sleep deprived months), would be a godsend to many women. Then Moms really do get a break. At this point, Mom can contemplate sleeping when baby sleeps. Another thing generous family and friends can offer are fully cooked meals available to reheat.
12 When Will Baby Number 2 Be Here?
Ah yes this image conjures up beautiful things, and most Moms will probably go on to have more than one child, but again, it is the Mom’s business, (and her partner’s), if she wants more children. Some will want to stop at one. Some will want to wait and see.
Some will have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant or have miscarried. Another person cannot possibly not know this, and needs to be reminded that it is none of their business what a Mom decides for herself and her family.
When it is family members or close friends, this kind of question can be even more awkward. It’s unfortunate it falls to the Mom to often tell people directly and politely, “I don’t want to talk of this,” or “This is private. Please stop asking questions.” Another one that is a favorite of mine, “Why do you want to know?”
11 Baby Is Too Small Or Too Big
A Mom can’t win. She will sometimes hear from relatives or friends, “Gee, little Jimmy is a little small or Jane is a little big,” or vice versa. This will sometimes be accompanied with advice on how often baby is feeding, what Mom or Dad can do to help them grow or not get too big. Really, who is thinking of that in the first few weeks?
Mom and Dad want to know that baby is healthy, gaining weight normally, and that everyone can grab a few zzz’s around the baby’s schedule or at some point while another adult is taking over. That’s it. Some individuals do not get that and this drives a lot of Moms crazy.
This kind of talk falls under that famous quote from Disney’s Thumper, “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.” Most likely Jimmy whether small or big for his age is doing just fine.
10 Intimacy Can Wait Until The Baby Is Older
This is also not true, and again, as per a medical practitioner’s orders and clean bill of health, Moms and their partners can go back to the horizontal mambo as soon as they are both willing and healthy.
Yes, there are certain things that need to be discussed, such as contraception if both parties want that, (and it is better to space pregnancies out by two years if a Mom has had a c-section for example), but it falls to the parents and no one else to dictate when sexual intimacy can begin again. Some Moms are not ready for months, others are super excited to get back to it when they have some energy.
It is not for the outsider to judge this very private and personal decision. It is up to the woman and her partner has to be willing as well to get back in the saddle.
9 Breastfeeding Or Bottle Feeding Is Best
And then there are the food critics as I used to call them. Here, it is really up to each individual Mom to make a very personal choice to either breastfeed or bottle feed her child. Sometimes, nature makes the decision for her, but in most cases, it is Mom who has full discretion to decide how to nourish her child.
Both choices are right, and she should never have to defend herself to anyone, especially family and friends and even strangers. This type of comment is still quite common though unfortunately, and most new Moms have to endure these remarks. The best approach is usually to remind the person it is the Mom’s choice and then politely ignore them or move away.
Most people will take the hint at that point if Mom is lucky. If not, Mom can tell them that it is her baby and her body.
8 Don’t Take The Baby Outside Right Away
Now here is where common sense plays out and most I know Moms have common sense. This is why I can’t understand why people will still make comments if they see a Mom in a shopping mall with a newborn or out for a walk.
Obviously, if it is super cold in the deep throes of an icy winter, try and avoid exposing a newborn to the elements of being outside for long periods. If a Mom has no choice, baby needs to layered and move as quickly as possible from car to house to store or doctor’s office. Most Moms would not take baby out for a walk in cold temperatures or to a store unless necessary.
And if they do, they’ll bundle them up. They love their babies and would never endanger them. Most of the time it is other people sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong that cause problems.
7 Sleeping Training Needs To Start As Soon As Possible
This is a personal pet peeve of mine as again, every baby, every parent, every family is different, and those first six months, most babies need to wake up to eat and for comfort. It is a biological necessity and not a sign that they need sleep training.
There are lots of cases of babies waking up after that point who may or may not benefit from a certain sleep training method, and some that are fine and sleep the night at a very early age. It is good for new parents to know that there are lots of options out there for babies to learn to self-soothe and eventually sleep the night, but it is up to parents to find what works for their child and themselves.
It is not up to a third party to judge Moms. Some kids sleep the night at an early age, others later.
6 Babies Need Milk In The Middle Of The Night Too
Breastfeeding Moms often hear that they are to blame if baby is getting up in the night to eat more. As a former breastfeeding Mom, when my son used to get up frequently, many family members told me it was due to me having a small milk supply and due to me breastfeeding and not bottle feeding.
This is not accurate at all. I had a friend who was exclusively bottle feeding and whose child was also getting up on the same schedule as my child. Both our children grew beautifully in the end, and we both were happy with our choices. It was so sad that we were being judged for our feeding methods and told what to do “better.”
I was never one to criticize or judge another's choices, and wish others would stop too. My friend was the same. And sadly most of these comments came from other Moms.
5 Don’t Hold Him/Her Too Much
And then there are the “holding critics.” All of us Moms have had the experience of a mother, aunt, or other relative telling us not to hold baby too much or pick them up when crying as it will “spoil” baby. In lieu of all the literature now pointing at how nurturing and calming it is for Mom and baby to have skin to skin contact, and for baby to worn in a sling close to Mom or Dad, it’s a wonder this type of comment is still going around, but unfortunately it is.
Now, of course, it does not mean that Moms or Dads have to have baby constantly on top of them or in their arms, but being afraid to pick up baby due to comments like this that are not accurate is crazy. This can even damage parents’ confidence and make them mistrust something important- parenting instinct.
4 Don’t Stay Home With The Baby
Lots of new Moms in the early days are so overwhelmed and overtired, that the thought of setting foot outside the house unless absolutely necessary is not on the top of their list. It is normal for family and friends to express concern, but do not harp on the fact Mom may be more comfortable at home with baby, particularly if it is a winter baby.
That was my case and I had so many people worried about me. I was fine. Unless I needed to go out grocery shopping, or for baby stuff, I hibernated with my son until spring and then emerged. It’s important that family and friends show concern and make sure all is well, but if Mom is happy, baby is well cared for, and the house is not falling apart, leave Mom alone.
She and baby will be just fine, and maybe even get in a nap.
3 Use Only Disposable Diapers Or Only Cloth Diapers
Similar to those individuals who criticize feeding methods, are those that criticize cloth versus disposable diapers. You know, Moms have so much to worry about. Feeding and clothing another human being around the clock is enough, thank you very much. Please cut them some slack and lay off the platitudes and lectures either way.
Repeat after me: It’s a personal choice what a Mom wants to do.
Support her by supporting her choices no matter what. As long as baby and Mom are healthy, nothing else matters. Moms need people on their side, not lecturing them. A Mom has to look at the logistics behind both options and choose what she thinks will work for her family.
As every family has different needs, it will be a decision she makes that is in everyone’s best interest and that Mom can handle along with all the other new motherhood stuff around.
2 It’s Normal If New Moms Are Sad Due To Hormones
OK this is a tricky one. Feeling sad sometimes and a little overwhelmed by new motherhood is completely normal. Feeling sad most or all of the time is not, and could signal a more serious problem likes Post-Partum Depression. This is one of the few times it is important for family and friends to check in, but not to criticize or make statements.
Rather, they need to gently probe and ask questions to determine if the new Mom needs help. If in doubt whether she does or does not, it is always better to talk about resources available for Moms who are depressed, feel overwhelmed and alone, and encourage these Moms if they ever feel like this, to seek help.
There is no shame in doing that, as it shows courage and strength, not weakness. Mental health is very important for Mom and her whole family in order for all to thrive.
1 Pacifiers VS Thumb Sucking
This is a huge debate among fellow Moms and their family and friends, but what drives most new Moms crazy, is when other people profess to know what is best about the pacifier and/or the thumb. Things like babies using pacifiers won’t nurse properly, those who suck thumbs will have crooked teeth, does nothing to reassure a new Mom if her baby is doing things “normally.”
Yes, there are norms or normal things babies need to be doing, but what is normal for one baby may not be for another. Some little ones take to the pacifier immediately and then it’s a battle getting rid of it or sometimes not, and others prefer their thumb.
And by the way, if breastfeeding or bottle feeding is well established by the time you introduce the pacifier, feeding will not be affected. In the end Mom has to listen to her baby and herself.
These are just a sample of several running commentaries most new Moms have heard at one point or another. Some people mean well by trying to help, but it is important that Moms everywhere learn to tune out advice that does not help them parent their babies the way they want to. Every family is different, and every woman needs to assess what works best for her, her child and her family.