Ahh, the baby shower. Time for the mom-to-be to spend time with her favorite friends and relatives and a small handful that she’s not so keen on but it would be rude not to invite them.
The theme has been chosen and time has been taken to tastefully decorate the venue, so the guests and the star of the show will be wowed. Food is on theme and looks so beautiful it is almost a shame to eat it, and the baby shower host has a slate of games organized to help guests relax, get to know each other, and above all, have fun.
The trouble is, it doesn’t always work out like that. Sure the theme, the decorations, and the food are probably beautiful, but the chances are that at least one game will make you want to curl up in a tiny ball and roll into a corner, so you won’t have to participate in something gross, tasteless, or just plain stupid.
We talked to women who have been guests at multiple baby showers and asked each of them what the worst game they ever played was. For some games the reason they made the list it is down to the personal taste of the guest, but for other games, it is a case of what the hell were you thinking?
15Hello Ladies, Eat Something Gross
We totally understand the principle for this one. It is a clearly baby themed game, which makes sense, but who wants to put on a blindfold and have someone else spoon sloppy food purees into their mouths?
If basic “Guess the baby food” isn’t gross enough how about introducing a new element like blindfolding both participants so that everyone also gets the opportunity to get covered in baby food?
There really is nothing quite like taking the time and trouble to put together a cute outfit and do your hair and makeup so that you can have someone you don’t like try to spoon mushy carrots into your face. Who wouldn’t want to get covered in a range of mushy veggies, get stains or their clothes and end up with broccoli in their eyelashes and chickpeas in their hair?
14Meet Your Baby, The Serial Killer
This game did not make the list because it is boring, or tasteless. It made the list because of the results.
To play “What will the baby look like?” the hostess gets together a huge pile of photos of the mom-to-be and the dad-to-be. The pictures are enlarged, so they are all about the same size and cut into strips, so you have a pile of eyes, a pile of noses, a pile of mouths, etc. Then party goers get to choose different parts of the parent's faces and make a photofit of how the baby will look like as an adult.
This never turns out well. The pictures always look damn creepy, and everyone just ends up feeling a bit deflated. One party goer said that at the shower she attended the identity of the father was in doubt, so they threw in photos of all the possible suspects - Classy!
13Hope Grandma’s A Sweary Mary
Word games are a strange choice for a baby shower. Some people have attended showers with elaborate word searches and crosswords that did nothing to get people socializing with each other and resulted in a small handful of people sitting in corners by themselves trying to find the words “afterbirth” or “placenta” in their square of letters.
Even worse is the option of having a form of baby shower Pictionary, charades or a group word scramble where the first person to see the word shouts it out.
Nobody wants to be the person who has to act out the word “sperm,” and no one wants to draw a uterus either. Worst of all is when the word scramble is used and to be extra funny the hostess has thrown in a few swear words.
This will make people uncomfortable because a) they do not want to be the one shouting out the word, or b) they do not want to be in the room when grandma jumps up and down shouting “Blowjob.”
12Show Us Your Hot Moves
For some bizarre reason, some people seem to think a ‘fun’ baby shower game is something where you re-enact how you think the baby’s conception went.
This takes many forms. Sometimes party guests are paired off to act it out, and there really isn’t anything more fun that is awkwardly simulating sex with another woman that you only met for the first time an hour ago. If you are fortunate, you might be given props like an amusing phallic shaped object and a mason jar to represent the mom-to-be's vagina - because everyone wants to be told their vagina is like a wide mouthed mason jar.
The alternative form is where you have a hot dog tied on a piece of string around your waist, and you have to slide it in and out of an open container of some kind on the floor. Yum.
11Welcome To My Party, Eat Sh*t
So, you are all sitting around at the baby shower, getting to know some new people and telling the mom-to-be how wonderful she looks. You have a stylish, non-alcoholic cocktail in one hand and a delicate little cake pop in the other. Things are going swimmingly until a strange smell starts to waft in from the kitchen. Something sickly sweet mixed with a hint of burning plastic and then the hostess and her helpers come into the room with trays covered in hot disposable diapers filled with melted chocolate bars.
Then the plastic spoons are handed out, and you are expected to dive into a gooey chocolate mess designed specifically to make you feel like you are eating shit. Even better you might be handed a sheet of paper and have to try and identify all of the melty shits on offer. The winner is the last person to vomit.
10Pin A Thing On A Thing
Nobody was any good at pin the tail on the donkey when they were seven so what makes party hosts think we have all been secretly practicing to become “pin the X on the X” champions in the years since then?
You can only really have one person at a time play this, and everyone else just stands around watching as the lucky contestant tries to get the sperm in the uterus or the embryo in the womb.
Always a bad choice for those who had to go through extensive fertility treatment to become pregnant (who wants to be reminded that the sperm needed help to get it on with the egg or that it took 16 attempts before an embryo implanted?) it is also a lame duck game for everybody else.
Not only that - what are you going to do with your giant uterus and sperm afterward?
9How Far Can You Spit?
No party is ever complete without everybody there having the opportunity to spit something out of their mouths in front of everyone else, right?
For this fun game, there will be a big bowl of soothers, and each party goer has to walk up to the start line, put a soother in their mouth, lean back and then spit that sucker as far as they possibly can.
Where the soother lands are marked by a pretty flag, so everyone knows how far you can spit. The flag must be beautiful because we are delicate little flower ladies propelling soothers from our mouths as far as we can.
Nobody wants to play. Nobody wants to watch. Nobody intends to be the winner. Please, just do not do it at all. EVER.
8How Uncomfortable Can You Make Mom?
Some expectant mother might find this game funny while others would be mortified. In fact knowing how pregnancy hormones swing your thoughts and moods from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds, the same mom would be delighted and devastated all during the same game.
Two variations of this game exist. One, you all get a ball of string, yarn, or toilet paper and unravel how much you think you need to fit around mom's baby bump. There are two types of response to this. Either you roll out something way too short because you don’t want the mom to feel bad, or you intentionally roll out six feet of string because you think it’s funny and doesn't care if mom feels bad.
The second variation is to have a board where you write your guess for mom's waist measurement next to your name. The expectant mom is then measured in front of everyone, and the result is announced. Nearest guess wins a prize and mom-to-be gets to feel self-conscious and fat.
7How Much Did You Spend?
Very similar to “The Price Is Right” but a whole lot more uncomfortable. After the star of the show has opened all of her gifts, one of the hostesses checks out the prices for some of them and writes them down on a cute baby themed card. Then the chosen items are placed on a table and guests have to guess either the price or if it was higher or lower than a certain fixed amount.
It's hard enough buying a baby shower gift. If the star is a newish in-law you don’t know, well how much do you spend? What if you can’t afford a lot? What if you can’t stand the woman at the center but couldn’t turn down the invite and not bring a gift, or you’d look like a complete bitch?
By playing this game, all of the party guests can see how much the others spent, and I’m sure it makes everyone feel very comfortable.
6Babies Sh*t, We Get It
Another unfathomably popular baby shower ‘game’ is “Who has the necklace with the poop in it?”.
Ahead of time, the hostess spends a disproportionate amount of time making tiny diapers held together with safety pins and decorated with an oh so cute bow. These are placed on lengths of string and the party guests pick one up as they first arrive and wear them throughout the baby shower. At the end of the day, everyone opens up their diaper to discover who has the one with a tiny melted chocolate chip in it because that looks like a poop and babies poop. Isn’t that hilarious?
Unless your party is populated by three-year-olds who will be entertained by the thought that they might be wearing a fake shit around their neck all afternoon, don’t bother. Please.
5We Need A Game With Wee
Another way to inappropriately make the pregnant woman you are supposed to be celebrating feel fat and uncomfortable is to make her watch a bunch of people pretending to be pregnant and making fun of the fact she has to pee almost constantly because there is a person in her belly headbutting her bladder.
Give each player a balloon to shove up their top and a ping pong ball to hold between their knees. Two at a time making them waddle from the start line to a jar at the finish line without dropping the ping pong ball. First to get their ping pong ball ‘pee’ into the jar wins. How fun.
There will also be at least one overly competitive person who want the winners to race each other until there is a final champion, just to suck every last ounce of fun from something that wasn’t that much fun to start with.
4Everyone Wants To Wear Diapers
To play this game you split people up into smaller teams and give each group some rolls of toilet paper and, if you are feeling particularly fancy, a nice variety of silky bows, giant oversized safety pins, and other decorative flourishes.
Each team chooses a lucky lady to be the baby, and she stands in the center of the group while the others cover her butt in toilet paper to make a fake diaper. Decorate your work of art and voila you have a woman with some toilet paper on her butt.
To make it even lamer you can have a diaper fashion show where the lucky models can parade up and down on a catwalk and each team gives the diaper marks out of ten. The team with the highest score wins a prize to make up for losing interest in ever attending a baby shower again.
3If Frat Houses Had Baby Showers
Just because someone is about to have an incredible life changing experience, bringing a new person into the world, and taking on the responsibility of raising that person to be a kind, honest, respectable person doesn’t mean they can’t still have fun right?
Absolutely. Being a parent isn’t about having a fun bypass. Your ability to enjoy life is not expelled from your body alongside the placenta, but being a parent does require a certain amount of being a grown up. Playing games that would be better suited to a frat party is not the most suitable way to celebrate becoming a parent.
So it might be a good idea to pass on the idea of filling a baby bottle with sparkling wine or beer and having people speed drink them while you sit around chanting “chug, chug, chug.”
2Bored To Death Or Grossed Out
Multiple versions of the “Guess what’s inside” game exist.
First of all, you have a line of bags each of which contains a baby related item. You have to close your eyes, put your hand in the bag, feel the item and guess what it is. If you are fortunate, you will have a slip of paper to write your guesses for each item which means you can cheat and copy the things off of someone else and avoid the monotony of putting your hand into a paper bag to feel a pair of baby nail clippers or a soother.
If you are unlucky, each person will have to go up in front of everyone else and try to guess their item while being watched by an audience. Some time to be extra funny one bag will have some fake squishy poop in it.
Always practice your “No, I really am having fun” face ahead of time just in case you need it right now.
1Please Don’t Say We’re Playing It
Last, but by no means least we have the “Don’t say…” game.
Usually, you get a carefully decorated clothes peg, necklace or bracelet when you arrive. Then the guests are told they cannot say ‘baby’ or ‘cute’ or something similar. If you hear someone else say the forbidden word you get their clothes peg/necklace/bracelet to wear as your very own.
Guaranteed to bring out the rabidly competitive instincts in one guest you had previously thought to be quiet and good natured, the “don’t say” game is a recipe for disaster.
Those who don’t care just say the word immediately so they can shed their item and get on with behaving like a reasonable person. Those who do care to turn into bizarre animals stalking other peoples conversations so they can pounce and win another trophy as soon as someone says ‘the word.'
One person will end up with loads of trophies, and everyone else will know who the biggest dick at the party is.
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