When it comes to the Barbie Doll I am basically an expert, a connoisseur of the iconic toy if you will. When I was a little girl I probably owned fifty Barbies including the Hawaiian Hula set and a cardboard Barbie Dream house which was very hot item back in the 1980's might I add. After my Barbie doll fascination settled and I grew into an adult I had four kids..all girls. Guess what, the Barbies are back in full effect. They inhabit every single room of the house and I spend countless hours each day combing synthetic hair and shoving plastic Barbie bodies into skin tight outfits. I once spent an entire day hunting for Barbie's red high heels before got a handle on myself. (Knowing my deep love for vacuuming up small plastic toys it was probably sitting in the vacuum cleaner bag.)
Bottom line: We live in the land of Barbie and I am totally qualified to judge these dolls.
Of all the Barbies we own, and believe me there are some shady characters in that Barbie box of ours, none compare to these fifteen inappropriate Barbie dolls that Mattel questionably released. Seriously, do they even have a marketing department over there? Who decided Oreo Barbie was a genius idea?
15 The 'Skinny' Barbie
Babysitting is one of Barbie's primary money making occupations, that and being a veterinarian and an astronaut. The woman wear a lot of hats. Here she is back in the good old days earning some dough for watching the neighbor's baby. Once she gets the little tyke down to sleep she cat sit back and read her book...which is titled "Don't Eat!" It's kind of unbelievable that there was a time not so long ago when reading material like this was considered useful, normal even helpful to a woman. I wonder what is in her purse? maybe some diet pills and sewing needles? Collector's item or not you would never catch this Barbie in my home. Way to make young girls feel like starving themselves for a man is their duty, so much that they need to read up on it.
14 When Barbie Doesn't Beat Teen Pregnancy
Meet Midge, Barbie's little pregnant sidekick. Sure doll designers had grand intentions with Midge, aiming to use her to help children learn about where babies came from, but truly there is so much wrong with this doll I don't exactly know where to begin. What the hell, I'll give it a shot. Let's start with the fact that this Barbie doll looks like she is no older than thirteen. Who doesn't love to dress up and play with a pregnant teen Barbie? I have never came across a Midge maternity line so I'm guessing she is stuck in one outfit. Also, why is there no belly covering to this doll's tummy. It makes me weak in the knees just looking at her. It's a cross between underage pregnant barbie and Signourney Weaver in Alien Barbie.
13 The Street-Walking Barbie
I told you Mexican Barbie wasn't the most offensive one on the market Behold this treasure. You missed the mark Mattel. Scratch that, you didn't just miss the mark, you aren't even in the correct area code! This Barbie was apparently inspired by the DC comic character Black Canary. First off, no Mattel...just no. This is a children's toy above all and you gave it a stripper name, fishnet stockings and leather outerwear, boots that are not intended for anyone under the age of twenty-one and enough eye make up to jazz up an entire drag queen ensemble. The only thing this doll is missing is a whip and some chains. I wonder if she comes with a ten percent off coupon for future therapy sessions. If you buy you daughter toys like this, you can bank on therapy being in her future.
12 The Biggest Barbie Fail To Date
This might be my favorite Barbie fail of all time. At one point the genius creative team at Mattel teamed up with the Oreo cookie company and devised an insanely stupid concept which became Oreo Barbie. Ummmm, do none of those company members live in the real world? How did not a single overpaid marketing executive raise their hand and question the creation of an African American doll named OREO Barbie! No one who worked on this project mentioned the concept to a friend who said, "Dude, you can't do that!" For those of you who don't know this, (yeah all three of you out there who clearly live underneath a rock,) "Oreo" is a derogatory term for an African American person who is "acting white." I genuinely hope a number of people got fired for this ridiculously naive move.
11 Barbie With A Tramp Stamp
So I personally don't have anything against adults getting themselves a few tasteful tattoos, I actually have three of them, (even though one kind of looks like a birthmark now thanks to a whole lot of belly stretching and the fact that I wanted it to be hot pink. What can I say, I was nineteen.) When it comes to buying my daughters Barbie dolls with tats and Ken's name on her lower back, that is where I draw the line. I'm fine if they want to get something small, meaningful and hopefully inconspicuous stenciled onto their body after they turn eighteen, but Lord help those girls of mine if they try and tattoo a high school boyfriend's name above their butt crack. Not happening kids. This Barbie has no place in my home due to her stupid and immature tattoo placement choices.
10 Poop-Scooping Barbie
Oh Barbie what a fall from grace you have had. You were a teacher, a scientist, a computer engineer, you have been to the moon a time or tow and look at you now, scooping dog poop in 2017. I have this toy by the way. It was a birthday gift to my middle daughter. I wish we had some video footage of my face watching my kid open this present. She loved it of course because to a kid, a Barbie is a Barbie, but to a mom this toy is a dud. The tic tac sized poop was lost within minutes of opening the package and instead of spending my days looking for barbie shoes I demoted myself to searching for plastic doggie poop. Life as a mom is truly glamorous.
9 Stereotypical Barbie
Oh Barbie, could you be any more stereotypical? Nothing teaches a young girl to expand her mind and be the change that they want to see in the world like a "wash and watch" dishwasher. It's even pink! Young girls could spent countless hours loading a teeny diner dishwasher and...wait for it...watch it. Because you see women have NOTHING better to do than wait for the dish cycle to hurry up and finish so that they can dry, shine and put dishes away. I wonder if Ken is sitting in the family room watching television while Barbie is busying herself with menial household tasks. Do they make a "Sit and Stare and the TV" Ken doll to go with this set? (Side note- she is wearing pink high heels while she washes and watches.) Groan.
8 Barbie - The Swim Suit Model
Barbie landed on the cover of Sports Illustrated to honor and celebrate the magazine's fifty years of exploiting way too thin women in scantily clad bathing suits. What? Doesn't is make perfect sense to put a children's toy on the cover of something men flip through in a bathroom stall? This is weird. Who buys their little girl a Barbie doll that is specifically deigned to go on a men's entertainment magazine. Why don't you buy her a Cindy Crawford doll or a Pam Anderson Baywatch babe figure while you are at it. I bet the makers thought they were doing an excellent job putting her in a one piece instead of a bikini too. The thought of grown men oogling pages of a magazine with a kid's doll on the front makes me uncomfortable...very uncomfortable.
7 The Barbie That Grew A Bigger Bra Size
So let me get this straight. You buy a little pre-pubescent Skipper doll and when the time is right you yank her torso, add a few inches to her height and then stab her in the chest to release her tiny little tatas and blast her into womanhood. Was there ever a more disturbed and warped way to introduce young girls to the wonderful world of puberty? Dear makers of Mattel, this isn't exactly an accurate portrayal of how the female body matures and grows. We can't have young girls thinking that if they just puncture their chests they will instantly grow perky breasts. This Barbie is really strange. She can go hang out with pregnant Midge, far, far away from my kids. I want no part of stabby-boobie Barbie.
6 Dominatrix Barbie
Okay Barbie. A few thoughts here. First and foremost you look like someone who makes a living spanking grown men. Second, I secretly kind of love those shoes and wish that they came in my size. Lastly, it is these exact outfits that make me see freaking red and dream of punching the Mattel geniuses who dreamed up this costume. Kids take Barbie clothes off, that is one of the only things you can do this these darn dolls. Do you know what will happen if my child rips this Catwoman suit off of this Barbie? I will spend hours if not days trying to get it from being inside out and then have to finagle Barbie back into her skin tight pleather get up. I will most likely have to use every tool in the junk drawer to make this happen and rest assure, I will be cursing the makers of this doll the entire time.
5 Racially Offensive Barbie
When Mattel attempted to diversify the Barbie empire they added this Mexican Barbie to their arsenal of Around The World Barbies, and it ended up being an epic, offensive fail. Of all the national symbols that Mattel could have used to represent our neighbors to the South, creative team decided on adding a tiny Chihuahua and a passport to the package, because nothing says Mexico like a yappy, little doggie of course. People were outraged and called for the makers heads on sticks, not really but they did cry racism. So yes, it's pretty stereotypical, but honestly it's not the most offensive Barbie to ever grace the shelves of Toys R Us. Just wait until you get down to pleather and fishnet stocking barbie, then we can talk outrageously offensive.
4 The George Washington Barbie
Well now you have gone too far Mattel. Clearly you need some new blood over in the creative department because you just invented a George Washington Barbie and I literally can't even. Could not one person think of a single historic female that has influenced our great country? No one? No Amelia Earhart Barbie, Abigail Adams, Molly Pitcher, Harriet beech Stowe, Sojourner Truth, Michele Obama? Oh right, important people are men only I suppose, so George Washington it is then! The least you could have done is make a cuter outfit for poor Barbie. If you are dressing her as a man who lived 300 years ago you could have thrown her a bone. It's bad enough you just offended the entire female race by having to make her a man because clearly we lack of worthy women in our history. Take a flying leap Barbie makers.
3 Take Care Of Your Man Ken
Of course we had to throw a Ken doll on the list somewhere because really who would Barbie be without her man? (Yes I am purposly being snarky and ironic.) Of all the Ken dolls that have been made over the years this one might take the cake because he comes with his own personal shaving kit. What eight year old girl doesn't want to lock herself in her bedroom and shave her doll's facial hair over and over again. It's really preparing her for life as a grown woman huh? Listen kids, I do a lot for my husband, probably more than I should really, but I have never shaved his face for him. The only time I will ever make this exception is if he breaks both of his arms, and even then I will probably complain about it. Who wants their daughter growing up and thinking that this is a normal activity for a wife to do?
2 The Questionable Talking Barbie
Talking toys are fun...said no mother ever. The idea of them it riveting to children, but in the end they tend to repeat the same crap over and over and drive us moms mad. When I was eight I got a Baby Alive for my birthday, all it said was "Feed me, I'm hungry." I think my mom ended up exchanging it for a mute doll of some sort. This gem of a Barbie doll was all the rage with little girls due to it's ability to chit chat with other Barbies. It's most popular phrases were, "I love shopping," and "Can you ever have enough clothes?" How very offensive to brilliant females everywhere. Of the few phrases that Barbie uttered my favorite has to be, "Math class is hard." Shut up Barbie. Just shut up and stay in school please.
1 Right Out Of A Horror Film
Alfred Hitchcock is known for making us pee our pants with terrifying movies that will haunt your dreams and scar you for life, not for inspiring children's toys. Unfortunately Mattel didn't get that memo and thought it a brilliant idea to creative a Barbie doll straight from creepy flick, The Birds. Guys, Barbie is literally getting mauled by flesh eating crows. One is perched on her shoulder about to eat her freaking eyeballs! What can you even do with this doll other then wonder what the heck is wrong with your parents for buying it. What lunatic parent bought this, please raise your hand. I want to know each and every deranged one of you so that I can make sure you never come close to my children. You clearly make poor choices in toy selections and I trust nothing now.