15 Brutally Honest Descriptions Of Childbirth That Are Funny As Hell

Ah, childbirth. It’s a magical day filled with unicorns, rainbows and marshmallow-covered clouds that rain sweet, sweet candy down on you. Um, not really.

Yes, your baby’s birthday is probably one of (if not the) best days of your life. It’s the day when you finally get to meet that teeny, tiny little person who has been growing inside of you for nine months. It’s the day when you finally get to hold your baby’s insanely adorable fingers. And it’s the day when you go from just being you to be a mama.

Even though childbirth is a life-changing event, it’s also not always picturesque. It really isn’t. But, your so-called best mommy friends may not share that tidbit of knowledge with you. Hey, no one wants to complain about their own childbirth. After L and D is done everyone wants to hear the special, magical, awesomely amazing parts. They don’t want to hear about the blood, gore and pain. That turns most mamas’ description of childbirth into the rated G version of what really happened.

Hmm. So when it comes down to it, the sugar-coated version of baby’s birth day isn’t really doing anyone any good. Sure, it’s pleasant to hear about how Mary had three mildly painful contractions, pushed for 10 minutes and welcomed her perfectly clean, not at all wrinkly baby into her waiting arms. Oh, and said baby surely didn’t have a head shaped like an alien football. But, that’s not what really went down.

Yeah, yeah, childbirth sort of sucks. Of course that doesn’t mean we can’t find some humor in it. When women get honest about what really happens (yes, you will probably poop right there) their descriptions of childbirth get kind of hilarious.

15 Ugliest Thing Ever

Scottish mom Jordan Kennedy gained some major Facebook fame for her description of childbirth. With more than 11,000 shares and over 23,000 reactions, it’s clear that mamas around the world are finding the humor in this very real post.

Kennedy describes childbirth as, “one of the most ugly things ever.” Hey, we totally agree. There really is nothing pretty about pushing something the size of a watermelon out of your hoo-ha. Right? Well, her gruesome description is hilariously detailed, and brutally honest. “Then as the contractions start getting heavy the slippers are chucked across the room..yar hairs scraped back like dog the bounty hunter.” Dog the Bounty Hunter? Yep. That’s probably not the most flattering way to describe a laboring woman. But, it’s certainly funny.

The mom goes on to describe some of the not-so-pleasant points of childbirth, including the possibility (or rather, likelihood) of poop and how your voice turns into something that’s, “once been heard in the wwe wrestling ring.”

14 After-Birth Pain Relief

Yes, your vag will stretch. Don’t expect to push that big ol’ baby of your out of something that can barely hold a super-absorbent tampon. That’s just not physically possible. As you labor on your hoo-ha opens almost enough to pass baby through it. Almost that is. Yeah, there’s cutting, tearing and probably some stitching later on. Ouch!

Blogger Mummy Mumbles posted a now-viral FB list that includes some of the um, finer points of what happens after birth. Included are brutally honest, and LOL funny, takes on the pain that every mama experiences after delivery. Of the first time you have to use your lady parts after giving birth (to pee, not do anything romantic – that will take much longer and be much scarier) she writes, “Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.”

Oh, but that’s not all when it comes to bodily functions and your post-baby body. She also adds, “Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way.”

Yep, everything down there hurts like heck after giving birth. It looks like just about every other mom agrees with Mummy Mumbles. Or at least finds her post-birth list a truthful look with more than a little laugh included. The post went viral with more than 97,000 shares and over 136,000 reactions.

13 Kelly Rowland Got Vivid

It’s not just regular mamas who describe childbirth as something out of a horror flick. Singer Kelly Rowland described childbirth and what happens afterwards more than graphically in her book Whoa, Baby!: A Guide for New Moms Who Feel Overwhelmed and Freaked Out (and Wonder What the #*$& Just Happened). Rowland told USA Today, “Your vajayjay does not look the same for a very long time.”

Yep, we know how that goes. Again, it has to do with all of that pulling, pushing, stretching and stitching. If you were tight and trimmed beforehand, you’re probably loose and floppy after giving birth. That’s okay. Kind of. At least, that’s expected. Hey, if a celeb’s lady parts are all out of whack after childbirth, why can’t yours be too?

There’s swelling, there’s pain and there’s an alien between your legs now. It won’t stay that way forever. As your body heals from delivery you’ll start getting your pre-baby vag back. Okay, so that’s not always true. But there’s always vaginal rejuvenation, right?

12 Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde Mama

You start off all sweet and loving. That is, you start off the childbirth process with adoration in your eyes and that beautiful baby on your mind. The day is finally here. You’re in labor and ready to go. As you pull into the hospital parking lot you practice the breathing that your prepared childbirth instructor taught you. Your S.O. is holding your hand and you’re both exchanging, “I love you so much” like crazy. Aww!

The hospital staff checks you in and you excitedly change into a gown and duck-walk over to the bed. It’s happening. Yay! You might not be calm, but you’re smiling with excitement. You’re about to become a mama and you’re just so in love with everything and everyone right now. That is, until you’re not.

Suddenly those contractions go from, “Kind of ouch” to a 10 on the pain scale. Gone are the, “I love you sweetie” comments. Enter the sailor’s stream of expletives. Sarah Turner, known as the blogger Unmumsy Mum, wrote about the childbirth mood switchover in GQ saying, “One minute I was bouncing calmly on one of those birthing balls, commenting on my contractions being “bearable” and the next I was rocking naked on all fours with my stretchmarky bum in the air, shouting expletives.” Yep, sounds about right.

11 Rhoid Rage

No, not “roids” in the sense of steroids. We’re talking about “rhoids” in the sense of hemorrhoids. In case you think rhoids are just random butt bulges, they’re not. Hemorrhoids are actually swollen veins in the rectal area. They can be small, large, uncomfortable, itchy or totally painful. Some women experience pregnancy-related hemorrhoids as a result of the baby pressing down on the pelvic region. The expanding uterus puts pressure on the veins below it, causing them to bulge.

When it comes to delivery, the force of pushing can also cause these veins to bulge. Hey, rhoids right after childbirth are totally common. And while they might not seem so funny when you’re in the thick of it, they aren’t the end of the world. They’re a reality of becoming a mama – for some. So if your BFF forgot to describe her childbirth experience in terms of the “rhoid rage” she developed, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen to you. You push, and push, and push, and something is bound to bulge out.

10 Hunger Games

Did anyone let you in on the little labor secret that you can’t eat after being admitted to the hospital? Well, you can’t. Typically. You may need a C-section, there may be a complication or something else may happen that requires you to have not eaten (kind of like you can’t eat the night before having surgery so that you don’t accidentally vomit while under anesthesia).

You’re laboring along and it hurts. Oh, and you’re hungry. Not just normal hungry, you’re starving. And then someone offers you a cup if ice chips. Ice chips? Really? Yes, really.

Well, Kate Hudson had plenty to say on this subject. Maybe not plenty, but she did give her honest account of what happened when she was in labor with son Bingham. Hudson’s mom Goldie Hawn may be a superstar, but she acted like any other grandma-to-be and stopped by her daughter’s L and D room. Hungry Hudson wasn’t exactly thrilled when her own mama showed up with food that she couldn’t eat. Hudson told Ellen DeGeneres, during an interview on DeGeneres’ show, “She shows up, and I have not eaten in like 10 hours. She shows up with a pizza and Doritos. She’s like, ‘I’m starving’.”

9 Kourtney Kardashian Stayed Calm

When the water breaks most mamas tend to go into panic mode. It’s time to get to the hospital and they need to pack themselves up pronto. But not Kourtney. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians cameras caught the reality star as she went into labor with son mason (her first child).

Describing what Kardashian did isn’t really the brutally honest part. Hey, we’re not saying she was in any way fake. She was just uncharacteristically calm. She put on makeup and took care of some laundry. But, it was what everyone else did that made us laugh. Her fam ran around rushing to get packed and ready for the hospital.

Contractions and pushing aren’t the only parts of labor new mamas have to prepare for. They also have to prep for the hospital stay. The crazy rush to get ready is the honest truth when it comes to having a bay. Sometimes its mom who goes nuts, and apparently other times it’s literally everyone else.

8 Post-Baby Body

Along with the description of childbirth comes the description of the post-baby body. It’s all kind of lumped together in one birthy story. After Mummy Mumbles wrote her hilarious childbirth post, plenty of other mamas chimed in with their baby stories.

One mommy gave a laugh out loud vivid description of how childbirth ravages the body. She wrote, “My boobs are now friends with my knees I have to cross my legs when I sneeze my stomach looks like half deflated helium balloon.” Yep, that pretty much describes the post-baby body.

Here’s the thing, the other moms in playgroup may not share such a detailed (and adorably funny) account of what happens to the body after pushing a baby out. We all kind of suspect it, but reading (or hearing) it is totally different. So get ready for those saggy boobs and the weak bladder feeling that only a mommy knows.

7 Daddy Isn’t Really Dumb

It’s not just mom’s account of childbirth that can be brutally honest to the point of hilarity. Don’t forget – dad’s there too. At least, some of the times. DaDMuM posted a dude’s account of the L and D show on Facebook, and it took off across the Internet.

After describing what happened on the way to the hospital, the dad went on to get into how he felt in the delivery room. “Have you ever felt like the dumbest person in the room?” I did because they all seemed pretty relaxed. The nursing staff. Nobody seemed to give much of a sh** about the whole ‘babies head is bigger than a vagina’ thing.”

The dad admitted that even though he had gone to pre-birthing classes, he still wasn’t prepared. Don’t worry dads, none of you should feel “dumb.” No one (male or female) is truly prepared for childbirth. Yeah, you may have taken a course at the hospital called “prepared childbirth.” But that doesn’t mean you will be.

6 The Pain Of Childbirth

Oh come on, you know all about this one. No one has to describe it to you. Right? Is there really a mama-to-be out there who has no clue that pushing another human being out of your hoo-ha hurts? Even though your mommy friends may have skipped over some of the less glamorous parts of childbirth (such as the poop and the gore), they probably told you about the pain. Seriously. Everyone talks about the pain. It’s pretty much the standard when it comes to childbirth stories.

So, sometimes it takes someone other than mom describing the pain to see the brutal, brutal honesty in it. Again, DaDMuM had something to say on this matter.

Writing on his Facebook page DaDMuM said, “When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice, and it’s too late to administer…You’re f***ed.” Yep. He gets it. Not only is this a pretty on point description of what goes on during labor, but it’s nice to know that dad understands that this whole pushing a baby out thing isn’t easy.

5 Megan Fox’s Epidural

Your birth plan says to go natural. You totally don’t want any meds. Nope. Not at all. You can handle the pain. You know you can do it. Okay, some mamas are Vikings and deal with the contractions like pros. But, others have a very different take on childbirth.

When Megan Fox gave birth to her son Noah she described her road to an epidural to Access Hollywood, “I was screaming for an epidural when [Brian Austin Green] was driving me to the hospital because my water broke on its own and I was immediately – it was level orange pain alert.”

That’s the reality of childbirth for you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a regular ol’ mama or a celeb like Megan Fox, sometimes you need that all-important epidural to make it through childbirth. Hey, a level orange pain alert is cause for anyone to want some serious relief. So don’t feel bad about asking (or begging) for an epidural. It happens.

4 Better Than Before

Kim Kardashian may be the queen of TMI. After all, the reality star has cameras following her around most of the time. Her superior ability to overshare didn’t stop when she had daughter North. Even though her show’s cameras weren’t allowed in for the actual birth (hey, some things have to stay private – even if you are on a reality show), Kim had no problem when it came to talking about the delivery after the fact.

You’ve heard the horror stories about what childbirth does to a mama’s lady parts. It stretches your hoo-ha, tears it and generally decimates it. But, not Kim. Nope. No way. The celeb spilled her story to sister Khloe on their reality show, saying, “When I came back from the Hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better than before.” Um, really? Hmm. Apparently for some moms childbirth is some kind of vaginal rejuvenation procedure.

3 VIP Visitors

After the baby makes her grand debut it’s time to let everyone take a peak. Get ready for a wave of visitors who are practically breaking down the hospital door to see your little angel. The visitor aftermath is a part of the childbirth process that your mommy friends may not spill. Why not? Well, most likely because you were one of those visitors. You probably meant well, but you may have showed up at the hospital (flowers or bottle-shaped balloon in hand), sat down and ooh’d and ahh’s when that new mama just wanted to sleep.

Mummy Mumbles described the post-birth visitor onslaught perfectly, “Everyone you’ve ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk into a ward.” She went on in her FB post to say, “You are a VIP- a very in-pain person.”

The pain of childbirth doesn’t end when the baby comes out. It keeps right on going. And when the parade of visitors starts, you’ll probably start fantasizing about crawling into a storage closet, locking the door and taking a nap without any intrusions.

2 Tough Mudder

You’ve probably seen your friends’ posts all over FB and IG. They’re covered in mud, muck and gunk. They’re sweaty, dirty and look like they’re about to fall over. That’s because they’ve just finished some sort of grueling obstacle course that requires Olympic-level strength.

Well, having a baby is something like this. It’s exhausting, filled with obstacles and gets you messy – really, really messy. You’ll feel like you just finished a marathon. You’ll be hungry, thirsty and in desperate need of a shower. Of course, you’ll be way too tired and in way too much pain to even consider hoping under the water.

Even though you’re physically spent, you’ll also feel like a winner (kind of like you would if you finished one of those super-challenging mud races). Hey, you’re a mama now. And that beautiful baby of yours is the best prize ever. Really You won’t care that you’ve gone through the marathon of labor and delivery. The only thing that will matter is falling for your newborn.

1 Celeb Mansplaining

Actor Sterling K. Brown detailed his wife’s birth experience when he went on “Live With Kelly.” The very vivid description included plenty of details about the actor’s wife’s homebirth. Of course, the couple hadn’t planned on delivering at home. But, when his wife went into labor, the midwife told the couple that they had plenty of time. After all, it was her first time delivering. And absolutely everyone knows that the first time around takes just about forever. Or not.

Instead of taking a day or so, Brown’s wife gave birth in three hours. This led to a homebirth in which the actor had to catch his baby. Of course, when his wife told him that she was crowning, he calmly told her she was wrong. Um, not the best thing to say to a lady in labor. He noted, “I’m mansplaining what’s happening to her.” Yeah, maybe he should have listened to his wife.

Sources: USA Today, Access Hollywood, GQ

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