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15 Crazy Conversations Doctors Have During Labor

Let's be honest, labor is the least fun part of having baby. The pain mom endures and the unpredictability of the whole thing makes it a quite tense milieu. It's difficult for a person witnessing childbirth to imagine the pain a mom goes through. Most of the time, the setting in the delivery room is sombre. People who accompany mom during her labor sometimes find themselves in an awkward situation. They don’t always have a clue on how to give support to mommy-to-be. Quite a few husbands also find themselves in that situation. Some feel helpless and let slip certain inappropriate comments, and are generally just caught off guard. There were times when people got tickled, embarrassed or had a hearty laugh in the labor and delivery room. But sometimes it can be annoying at the time of birth. Hopefully, everyone can laugh about it later...

This doesn't just apply to husbands, but even doctors sometimes find themselves in an awkward situation. Doctors are human, after all! They also tend to express themselves within their professional limits and sometimes a little beyond that barrier. We usually picture the doctor as a serious face and think he or she is on a mission to save humanity. It's difficult to imagine them laughing, having fun and even being sarcastic. But if someone is always surrounded by patients who are suffering and in pain, they can start talking their mind to help lighten the atmosphere.

Today, we have a variety of conversations with doctors in the labor room that are a bit crazy, humorous and witty. Roll on!

15 Face To Face With God

A woman in her forties was in labor to deliver her 10th baby. Since her doctor was out of town, another doctor was covering for her. Once the baby was born, the doctor asked whether they will be getting the tubal done the next day. The woman’s husband responded and said, “No, we would never do that.”

The surprised doctor didn’t stop and went on: “You’re going to have more kids?”

The father replies: “God tells us that may be in his plan for us.”

The doctor was prompt: “God talks to you?”

Father: “Yes”

The doctor condescendingly replied: “You should be evaluated for that.”

A nurse tried to change the conversation to distract them, but just before the doctor left, he peeps from behind the father and says in an ominous voice, “This is Gooood! .........Get a tubal.”

14 No Difference

There are a few men who observe, but fail to draw an appropriate conclusion. Be it differentiation in colors or dresses and what not. It's a known fact that their perception and attention to detail in certain cases is rather lacking.

This wife must have gotten annoyed with her husband after what she heard him say. Her husband works at an animal farm as a manager. The wife was in labor and she was waiting to push. Suddenly, the knowledgeable husband passed a remark. He said, “It seems to be no different than a cow giving birth.” His wife just wanted to punch him in his face. Of course, it was bad timing to compare his wife with a cow. To this the doctor replied, “Yeah, but here at least we don’t have to hook up chains to pull the baby out like they sometimes do.” Now that was a killer reply!

13 Human Vs. Animal Doctor

How many times do we hear about a little tussle within a community? When it comes to doctors, they are supposed to share common interests and experiences, right? Well, not always, especially when one of them treats people and the other animals.

When a veterinarian doctor’s wife was delivering, the obstetrician interestingly asked the husband, “So, what do you think about the whole thing?” The husband was obviously concerned about his bleeding wife and surprised that the doctor wanted to strike up a conversation in the middle of a muddle. He retorted, looking at the bloody mess, “I make less of a mess in the stables when I help give birth to calves than you just did.” No wonder the husband was given a 5 minute time out. Does a doctor really need an opinion while helping a woman deliver her baby?

12 What Hair?

Obstetricians see so many deliveries that they usually get over the sensuality of the lady bits. For them, it's only a medically routine procedure that they perform day in and day out. But for a couple, it's very awkward to be naked in front of a doctor. They feel embarrassed to be in such a situation and two eyes suddenly starts to feel like a hundred eyes staring at her lady parts.

It seems to happen to many moms and their husbands that they get confused when the doctor mentions ‘hair.’ When this mother was delivering, her husband was trying to make everyone laugh. He was trying his best, but he just managed to embarrass his wife.

When the baby was coming out, the obstetrician said, “I can see the hair!” The darling husband responded, “Oh, that’s just because my wife didn’t shave.” We hope that the doctor clarified that he was talking about the hair on his son’s head.

11 Best Personal Record

It's funny that while a mother is having one of the most important moments of her lifetime, the doctors are having their own. An obstetrician may be helping a hundred women give birth in a year. It ends up being so routine that they try to make the whole experience more interesting for themselves. A mother was overhearing everything the doctors were discussing while performing her c-section. After the baby was delivered, the doctor was sewing her up. Towards the end, when the doctor was making the final stitch he said, “And that, my friends, goes down in records as the fastest c-section I have ever performed.”

Well done, doctor! We hope that you sewed everything at the right place while attempting this record. Unfortunately the doctor does not get any award for this big achievement as we do not have c-sections being done in the Olympics yet. Till then keep trying and keep up the good work.

10 The Next Time?

This mother must have confused the doctor with her response to his statement while helping her understand the optimal birthing position. The mother was completely dilated and ready to give birth when the doctor arrived. He looked at the position of the mother and suddenly smiled and said, “It's easier to have a baby if you open your legs.” Obviously she was a first time mother who felt a bit violated with everyone looking at her privates every now and then.

On hearing this, the mother replied, “Can I do that on the next one?” The doctor must have almost fainted. This must have made a story for him to share at his dinner table.

How on earth can a mother avoid opening her legs while giving birth? The birthing experience is one such unique lesson that it makes a woman leave all her dignity and lady-like mannerisms out the door.

9 Is That Pee?

An 18-year-old girl thought she broke her water and went to the hospital for the 4th time in 2 weeks. She was 34 weeks pregnant and here is her conversation with her doctor.

Doctor: "So what brings you to the hospital tonight?"

Girl: "I think my water broke."

Doctor: "Did the water gush out or did you feel it was leaking?"

Girl: "Well you see, we were getting intimate and when he was done, he put it in me and it started to feel wet.

Well, so then he took it out and we looked at the blanket we were lying on and it looked like maybe it was a little damp. It was pink. We got ourselves cleaned and went back at it.

So then he puts it back in me and it was wet again. So he takes it out and I told him to put his hand up there and see how it felt.

He says it was still wet so I asked him to taste it and see if it tastes like pee. He said it didn't so we came on in."

Doctor: "Ok, next time you think your water is broken, don't put anything in your vagina."

We’re not sure this young woman understands how she got pregnant in the first place.

8 The Ultimate Push

A mother pooping and farting during labor is nothing new, especially after an epidural. Doctors and nurses are quite used to it and they rarely comment or make a fuss. The nurses mostly remove the fecal matter even before the mother knows it. However, sometimes there are real accidents that cause some dismay.

This mother ate a bunch of beans with her dinner, and shortly after went into labor. By the next morning, she was completely dilated and the baby was about to come out. It was time to push and the doctor was sitting between her legs to catch the baby and his fingers were stretching her out making way for her baby. The old Chinese doctor told the mother to push and she pushed hard and shot a big fart in his face. That must have blown his hair over. He looked at the mom and said, “Oooooh! Dat was ah beeeeeg one!” Poor fellow!

7 A Whale Or A Dolphin?

When we write something on a deflated balloon it's sure to appear distorted when we blow air into it. The same thing happens vice versa. Write something on an inflated balloon and nobody can make it out once its burst. Now replace that with a mommy’s tummy. Tattoos on a tummy can get disfigured a bit when the tummy gets stretched out. Doctors and nurses get to see all the unusual artwork on the mommy’s body during labor.

This mother had a nice water animal tattooed on her abdomen. It was time for the obstetrician to make an entry. But, apparently, he didn’t get a chance to examine mom before her labor. When he looked at her tummy he said, "That sure is a pretty big whale!" Mom replied with a smile, "Well, it used to be a dolphin." Now what happened to the whale afterwards is a mystery.

6 Not Funny

The most popular labor and delivery room joke is when a father asks the doctor to make an extra stitch while repairing the vaginal tears. Some couples really enjoy pregnancy humor and read all the stories and jokes before D-day arrives. Some husbands prepare themselves with the Do's and don’t's while in the delivery room. How does he do that? Internet!!!

This father must have read all about delivery on the internet. His wife gave birth to a beautiful baby. Now it was time to sew mommy up. The father may have suddenly remembered the sewing joke and bent a little towards the obstetrician and said, “Is this when we joke about the extra stitch?” The doctor immediately replied, “Yes, but no one ever laughs.” Ouch! Find a new joke dear father, the doctor doesn’t seem amused by this old boring quip. God knows how many times they hear this one.

5 Cord-ial

There were times when no one was allowed inside the delivery room. It was a business left to the mothers, nurses and doctors. Nowadays, fathers are getting to watch the whole process, but some fathers pass out while looking at the baby coming out. Anyone who looks at the blood work during childbirth is likely to faint. However, some fathers are stronger and quite involved in the whole birthing process.

They go ahead and cut the umbilical cord of the baby, too. In fact this is becoming quite a trend. Maybe that’s why in this particular case, the doctor asked the father, “Would you like to cut the cord?” The father replied, “That’s what you're being paid for.”

Doctor, please leave this first time father alone or he won’t pay you. He must be still aghast after what he saw. Let’s hope he is ready the next time around.

4 No Hair On Buttocks

It's a difficult situation for every mother when she suddenly goes into labor at 23 weeks. It's a battle of survival for the baby and the baby needs to be immediately put in neonatal intensive care. This mother is also worried while giving birth to her preemie. However, for these parents, during that tense moment the doctor did bring the mood up. The mother was being prepped for an emergency c-section when the doctor checked her before wheeling her off to the OR. The baby was coming down already so the plan of a c-section had to be cancelled.

While delivering, the mother totally forgot that her son was breech. As she was pushing, her doctor said, "Ok, I can see the baby now." The mommy asked, "Does he have any hair?" Doctor replied, "Honey, I don't see any hair on the butt." It made everyone in the room laugh heartily for a moment. Everyone, it seems, really needed that moment.

3 Placenta Curiosity

Here is another story of a premature birth. Everybody in the labor and delivery room was a bit concerned. After delivering the baby, there was a light moment. When the mother was pushing the placenta out, the doctor asked mom if she wanted to see her placenta. The mother was about to say a big ‘NO,’ but before she could do that, her husband jumped into the conversation and says, “Yes, I’d like to have a look at it.”

The mother was a bit shocked and grossed out. She didn’t want to check out her own internal organs. The doctor immediately held it up. Apparently the mother’s water broke 3 days before the delivery and the placenta looked infected. Mommy couldn’t bear looking at it, but the husband suddenly jumped into the shoes of Sherlock Holmes and said, “Can you tell us where exactly it was ruptured?” The doctor replied, “I’m guessing where the big hole is!”

2 Can’t We All Get Along?

While experiencing a lull between contractions, this mother-to-be and her doctor had a rather casual conversation. Laying in the hospital bed attended to by delivery nurses and her husband, the doctor comes in and checks on mom’s progress. Then he sits down to make some notes in mom's medical records and they start up a conversation.

Doctor: “Right from the very start, my dog doesn’t like their dog. I have a big, burly dog. It’s happened a couple of times, where my dog goes after their dog and you know...wra wra wra wra!!”

Patient: “Yeah, our dogs don’t get along either, but that’s because the one dog got very protective after the birth of my son. So now we keep them apart, it’s no big deal. We just try to keep them separated, but, you know…”

Doctor: “What happened with us was my wife was running with the dog and the other dog ran up and there was a fight and my dog got bit. I asked them to keep their dog in the back, but, you know…”

Yeah, we know. Doctors have lives too, and you gotta do something to pass the time.

1 Too Deep

We understand that sometimes doctors don't get enough sleep. So they tend to say certain things that they later regret. But, there are some obstetricians who are really creepy and say things out of character. It becomes really embarrassing and awkward in their presence. That's the moment when a mom wishes to be in the company of a female doctor.

This mother was going to give birth to her first son. The labor wasn’t progressing well. So, the doctor decided to break the water artificially to kick start the labor. When the put his gloved hand inside the mother, he said, “I’m deeper in you than your husband has ever been.” He may have been just stating a true fact, but given the circumstances, it just doesn't sound right! Thankfully, the husband wasn’t in the room at the time or things might have gotten a lot more uncomfortable.

Sources: CafeMom.com, EssentialBaby.com, BabyCenter.com, RD.com, Babble.com

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