People have been marvelling at things that pop out of toddler’s mouths since we fist figured out that they should actually be heard as well as seen. They really do say the darndest things. Toddlers are little sponges, soaking up vocabulary at an astonishing rate, and by the time they’re three, they can speak in sentences.
They are also soaking up language rules, grammar structure, and social cues, but when their vocabulary gets ahead of all of that, it can have hilarious results. For example, kids might call all cats “meows” and dogs “woofs” or they might say “who body wants a popsicle” or “you’re a grown up, and I’m a grown down” or “thank you” whenever they want something they can’t have. They are also tiny, sticky, distorted mirrors for the grown-ups, so this is the age when they start swearing…usually at inopportune times and in front of Grandma or the pastor.
This little discrepancy between vocabulary and knowledge of grammar, societal rules and pop culture results in toddlers saying some hilarious, crazy and creepy things. Here are some of the craziest examples of these Toddlerisms that moms, dads and other family members have reported.
15 "Peed on Luna"
Toddlers say some pretty funny things no matter what is going on in their lives, but when potty training is added to the mix, they push the funny factor up to eleven.
This story comes from Amber on Facebook and is proof that dogs are the unsung heroes of households with toddlers: “My 3-year-old came inside and announced “I peed outside.” My husband asked if his underwear was wet and my son proudly replied, “Nope, I peed on Luna. It was like a shower for her.” Luna is our Saint Bernard.”
Another three-year old was proudly showing off what she’d just done in the potty. Her mom asked where such a giant poop came from and she responded, “Santa got me that for Christmas!”
Liga’s daughter had an accident in her pants and announced to her mother: “Mommy, I was running to the bathroom as fast as I could but the poo was faster than me!!”
14 "I'm Just Gonna Chill"
To a toddler, all body parts are equal. They don’t have a sense of a body part hierarchy where some body parts are more important than others, which is why some of the funniest stories about toddlers are about body parts. My mother still tells the story of when I was taking a bath with my brother and he yelled at me for sinking his pee pee with my toy boat, saying, “Melinda, if you want your own pee pee, go to the pee pee store and buy one.”
Then there’s Reddit user skifdank who posted a story about the time his little nephew was peeing off the porch and said, “If a bear comes, I'll show him my pee-pee, and he'll run away."
Or this absolute gem from Buzzfeed user natalieanastasiag who posted: “ My 3-year-old daughter climbed on my lap wearing a dress but no panties. I told her she needed to put on some underwear and she looked at me and said, “My v’s like, ‘I’m just gonna chill.'” And when she talked for her vagina, it had a deep voice. Like a man.”
13 "Listen, Linda"
We all remember the "Listen, Linda" kid. He has some real negotiating skills.
When toddlers first encounter the rough and tumble world of misbehavior and consequences, they have some pretty hilarious things to say about it. Here are a few funny examples:
Vanessa tells this story about her three-year old, who was supposed to be cleaning her room. “Me: You cleaned your WHOLE toy room already? She nodded. Me: So any toys that are left on the ground can be given to poor kids? Her: “Yep”….long pause….”But you can’t go down to check because there’s a monster down there!”
Three-year-old Greta told her grandmother, “Now, Meemaw, you and I can’t throw any fits when we’re in Old McDonalds or the workers will kick us out, okay?” (Hmm… who has the tantrum problem? Greta or Meemaw?)
Karina’s two-year old niece grabbed a bag of cookies and hid under the table to eat them. When Karina took the cookies away, her niece yelled, “Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!”
“I’m trying to be nice, but it’s not working.”—Three-year-old Finn.
12 "Get It Together"
Toddler’s don’t have grown-up problems. They don’t have to worry about color resistant grays or paying rent or buying back-to-school clothes or traffic, but you wouldn’t know it by the way they talk. Here are a few times when toddler talk got real:
Three-year old girl to her doll who kept falling over, “Come on, Elsa. Get it together!”
A mom on a road trip, pointed at a dried up corn field and said, “Look at all the dead corn!” Later, she passed a cemetery and heard a tiny voice from the backseat say, “Mom, look at all the dead people.”
A mother asked her toddler which doll she could be. The little girl said, “The one who does the dishes.”
A three-year-old boy started to walk right out the front door. When his Nana asked him where he was going, he told her, “Going crazy Nana.”
Little Julian really hit the nail on the existential head when he asked his mother, “Do grown-ups need coffee to live?”
11 "Do We Keep Her"
A toddler’s first peers are her siblings, and they tend to say the funniest things about them. Especially when they get a new one. When my sister was born, my father asked my brother if he was excited to get a new sister. He cried and said, “But I want to keep Melinda.” Most toddlers aren’t quite that sweet when talking about their siblings, but they sure are funny!
Selena’s three-year old asked her if she had to decide if her five-month old was going to be a boy or a girl.
Jessica’s little one was bugging her for a baby sister. Jessica told her that she didn’t have control over whether she had a boy or a girl. Her toddler responded with, “So, is it God or Santa that decides?”
"So I shouldn't throw him in the fire?"—Three-year old girl holding her baby brother for the first time.
Madeline looked at her new tightly swaddled baby sibling and asked her parents, “How long will it take for the new baby to grow arms?”
10 "What's My Head Connected To?"
Toddlers are learning new things all the time at home and, with many kids starting preschool by age three, in school. Some of the stuff they learn is the regular colors, numbers and letters stuff…and then there’s everything else. You’ll see from the following examples that it’s the everything else that really brings the funny.
One four-year-old apparently was paying attention during the little piggy game because he told his mother, “I stubbed my toe! The one that ate roast beef!”
A soccer coach told his little players that they should kick the ball with the laces of their shoes. A little girl responded with, “Um. We are in preschool. There’s only belcro (velcro) walking around here.”
“That my head is connected with my a**.”—Three-year-old Nick when asked what he learned in preschool.
9 "Are Boogers Not Vegan?"
When you think about it, food is a fairly new subject for toddlers, but they take to it remarkably quickly, and they have some pretty rigid and hilarious ideas about it.
Jessica caught her vegan daughter picking her nose and eating it and told her to stop. The little girl asked, “Why, are boogers not vegan?”
A mom offered her two-year-old daughter some almond milk. She asked, ‘Is that what baby almonds drink?'
"We're eating these peoples bones"—Alex, age four, chowing down on pork loin.
Sally’s little cousin pointed at her pregnant belly and asked “Did you eat all the turkey?” She told him it wasn’t turkey inside, but a baby. Then he asked, “Why you eat the baby?”
Christine's three-year-old daughter asked her what the green stuff on the pasta was. When she told her it was parsley, she threw up her hands and said, “Well, I’ve never had it before, and now, My. Life. Is. Ruined.”
8 "Alligator or Elevator?"
Toddlers hear the rules of language, and they don’t really understand them, so they wing it. They know almost nothing about grammar, but they are positive that they know everything. More than you, certainly. Toddlers are learning lots of words every single day. Considering how many they get right, it’s understandable that they get a few wrong. And when they do get a word wrong, it is sometimes so hilarious, parents don’t want to correct them. Here are some words that actual toddlers got wrong and actual parents didn’t correct:
Boobie goggles or boobie shirts for bra, damn crackers for graham crackers, borehead instead of forehead, alligator instead of elevator, mancakes instead of pancakes (which, frankly still sound delicious), strawbabies for strawberries, focks for crocs, ogres instead of yogurt, tummy egg instead of tummy ache, bagel cakes for donuts (makes sense), gotfor instead of forgot, and then there’s baseball’s World Serious, Oscar the Couch and the Apricot Center at Disney World.
Sometimes we can’t translate these toddler words. There was a family who couldn’t understand why their little one was talking about “whore movies” until he said, “you know like the ones that are scary for me.” Oh. Horror movies. Horror.
7 "Blowing Bubbles"
As far as toddlers are concerned, passing gas is just another bodily function. They don’t really understand how funny it is. That is until they talk about it and catch their parents trying to hold in the laughter.
Zahra’s little girl was passing gas in the bathtub and said “My butt is blowing bubbles.”
Pamela caught her two year old daughter playing in her closet. She asked her what she was doing, and she replied, “Oh, I’m just farting in your closet.”
When her toddler was farting, his mom told him he was gassy. He replied in a very stern tone, "I'm not gassy, I'm Nathan."
There was a little boy in McDonald's who had just been potty trained, so his mom didn’t quite trust him to tell her when he had to go. When she smelled something, she got very concerned. She asked him if he’d had an accident. He told her “no” and went on eating his Happy Meal. The smell persisted, and she asked him over and over, and he still said “no.” Finally, he stood up, pulled his pants down and yelled, “See mom?! Just farts!” The whole restaurant burst out laughing.
6 "Mama juice"
A big part of a toddler’s world are their parents, so it’s no wonder that they have some pretty funny things to say about them.
A two-year-old girl walked in while her mom was getting out of the shower and said, “Mama, you’re silly. You have a beard on your gina.”
A three year old girl walked into the bathroom, saw her father and demanded, “Daddy, put that thing back in your pants!”
Heather’s three-year year old boy announced to the daycare that he couldn’t sleep at night because of all the noises coming from his parent’s bedroom. The daycare employees thought it was pretty funny. At supper that night, dad asked him what kind of noises they were. He said, “snoring.”
Three-year-old Athena, while passing a display of wine, said, quite loudly and with an arm flourish, "Look at all that Mama juice!"
5 "Uck oo!"
Toddlers listen to and process language long before they start using it. The problem is that adults don’t realize that they’re listening and processing and fail to censor themselves in front of babies. That’s why it’s almost inevitable that toddlers will start swearing early, very early. For example, when my daughter was less than twenty months, she had a speech delay and impediment due to a cleft palate. My husband and I didn’t censor ourselves because she wasn’t saying anything. One day, she was babbling, and I was trying to figure out what she was saying when she said “Uh oo.”
"Snappy, are you saying Achoo?"
"No," She said giggling. "Uh-oo. Not achoo!"
"Are you saying? Got you?"
She shook her head and squealed, "Uck oo, La-ee!"
Ah ha. Oh yes. I knew where she heard that. At the grocery store. I’d whispered it very quietly about a lady who needed to go f*@k herself, forgetting about the quiet little moppet who was seated in the shopping carriage about three inches from my face.
4 "Oh S**t!"
When a toddler swears, people always say, “He doesn’t know what he’s saying.” Toddlers might be innocent, but the fact is, they know what swears are. They know when they are used (as adjectives or exclamations) and they know they get big reactions (either anger or uncontrollable laughter.)
It starts early, too because Catherine’s eleven-month-old baby dropped her pacifier and said, "Oh sh*t."
Kayla talks about the time that her daughter dropped her fork in the middle of the pre- Christmas prayer, and screamed, "Damn iiiit!!!”
Two-year-old JP was riding in a back-carrier as his mom ran for the train. When she missed it, he yelled, “Oh sh*t! Bye train!”
When Jody’s three-year-old little brother noticed that Daddy was angry about something. He looked up at him and said, "Just f*@k it, dad."
Valentina at age three said to her big brother: “Do the f*@king homework.”
3 "Mr. Bones"
Toddlers have never seen a horror movie or heard a ghost story. That’s why it’s baffling that they manage to say the scariest and creepiest stuff we’ve ever heard. When my daughter was three, she used to cry and say, “I’ll never be an adult!” That one isn’t as terrifying as some of these other examples, but it’s a slow burning one.
The aptly named Reddit user, Motherofantichrist, tells a story about her two year old yelling : "Mommy make them stop!" Her mother asked, "Make who stop?" She screamed, “The birds!” When the little girl replied, "They wont stop eating my mermaids tail. She’s dead. Can't they just leave her alone now"
Even creepier is the three-year-old who told his mom. "Mr. Bones lives in my room. I think he wants to give me a hug.”
When she was two, Casey looked up at her mother and asked, “Do you remember when I was your mom?”
2 "No Daddy"
Toddlers have learned new and interesting ways to use language, and one way they love to use it is for talking back to adults. For example, when my cousin was two, he couldn’t pronounce Melinda, so he called me My-yinna. However, if anyone else called me that, he would get angry and tell them, “She’s not your Yinna. She’s my Yinna!” Or when my daughter was three, if you told her that something made no sense, she would come back with, “That makes yes sense!”
When Angelynn told her three-year-old daughter to clean up her toys, she said, “Mom, you better go ahead and do it. I don’t know anyone who cleans up toys as good as you can.”
After her mother told her that owls were nocturnal, a three-year-old girl responded with sarcasm beyond her years. “Yes, owls are not turtles.”
A two-year old girl asked for the thing that her parents were playing with and was told that it was a calculator. She replied, “No. It’s a calcuNOW!”
A man told his three-year old son about a girl his age who could already read, write and count to fifty. His son shot back, “Yeah, but can she bounce on a trampoline?"
Then there’s three-year-old Nick who responded to being accused of being a copy cat with: "No Daddy, I am a copy dog"
1 "Jason Deruuuulo"
Toddlers are exposed to much more pop culture than we realize. They don’t, however, really understand it, so they process it in a way that only toddlers can. My daughter used to yell at Jason Derulo when his song came on while I was driving her to preschool. As soon as he said, “Jason Derulo,” she responded with “jerk!” I’m not sure why. I think she disagreed with him using his own name in his song. Here are some times that toddlers collided with popular culture with hilarious results.
A three-year-old boy saw Nick Jonas singing on television and said, “He doesn’t have any friends, does he?”
"When Barack Obama was running for president, a three-year-old girl would always respond to “Go Barack Obama!” with “Go rock your mama!”
Sara’s niece was watching Dancing with the Stars and said “If that man says not nice things again, he will have to go into time out!” She was referring to Len Goodman.
“Sh*T a moose, Sh*t a moose! Can you have a mango!”—Bohemian Rhapsody as sung by three-year-old Millie.