When dad’s a d-bag…well, it can kind of make Mom's life a living hell. Hey, we’re not saying that all dudes are douchey when it comes to their dad-ing skills. No way! Some baby daddies are totally rad. They don’t “babysit.” Instead, they’re full-on, full-time parents. They change diapers, they do midnight feedings (from the bottle, not the boob of course) and they rock a constant crier until they’re peacefully lulled to sleep.
But, then there are the other dudes. Rather, the duds. Come on, you know who we mean. The dads that pull all kinds of eye-rolling, “I can’t believe that he just did/said that” moves. They’re d-bags to the extreme, and their spouses, partners and baby mamas just won’t put up with their annoying actions.
Okay, okay. Let’s be fair. While there are angels and devils when it comes to dads, plenty of them are somewhere in the middle. They’ll change a diaper or two, but certainly have their mini moments when it comes to disappointing mom. No one’s perfect. You aren’t, and you don’t expect your other half to be either. Of course there are moves that will get under your skin more than others.
So what are these dads doing that’s so very d-baggy? Oh, you probably have your own little list building up. But, if you’re thinking, “Hmm. Maybe it’s just me?”, check out the top moves that some (don’t read this as all – we totally know there are some good ones out there) daddies do that will irritate, irk and generally annoy you.
15 Rude Dude
You know this one. He’s just kind of an a**. This isn’t to say that he’s intentionally being rude. He probably has no clue what he’s doing. Instead, he thinks he’s just being him. He’s going along with his life – despite the fact that he’s suddenly a dad. Now that baby is here, you’re expecting him to in some way change. After all, you changed. You’re selfless now that you’re a mama.
The thing is, he’s not. Changing, that is. You ask him to grab a binky (because you’re in the glider gently rocking baby to sleep). He rolls his eyes and mutters, “Whatever.” Ten minutes later he’s still sitting in the same spot. When you question him about it, you’re kind of expecting some sort of sympathetic response. But no. All you get is another eye roll. He’s a rude dude. And he doesn’t seem to understand that you need his help right now.
14 Litter Bug
Those diaper wipes aren’t going to disappear when dad dumps them on the floor. He’s managed to scatter every piece of paper, random wrappers and anything else that you could consider ‘trash’ on the floor. And he’s expecting you to clean up the mess. Hey, you already have one baby to clean up after. Do you really need two? Especially when one of them is 30 years old?
Not only is “toss trash around the house and never clean up after himself” dad annoying, but then there are the d-bag dads that go a step farther.
Here’s the scene – you’re at the local playground. There he is. He’s watching his tot run, climb and jump. It’s kind of adorable. That is, until you remember that he’s a parent too – and shouldn’t get a trophy just because he’s a man who happens to take his kid to the playground. Even though you’re admiring his dadness, you’re also noticing that he’s tossing his kid’s used yogurt tube into the grass, Whoa! Littering dad is a douche.
13 Pass The Buck, Or The Baby
“Oh honey, I’ll get up with the baby. Don’t worry, I’ll take my turns so that you can sleep.” Sweet! He’s really stepping up and helping out. Um, that’s what he said. Now let’s see what he does when the baby is actually here.
From the start, he passes the baby off on you at any opportunity possible. You ask him to change the baby, and what does he do? He suddenly has a very important phone call to make or a dire work email to answer immediately. It’s funny (odd funny, not the ha-ha kind). He didn’t have to answer that oh-so-important email when baby was sleeping, But now that baby needs some attention, he just can’t be bothered.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a diaper change, a bottle feeding or anything else, this d-bag dad moment revolves around your baby daddy passing the parenting off to you.
12 Diaper Don’t
That smell. It’s hitting you and spiking through your nose. You know what it is. But, you’ve done every diaper change in the past 24 hours. So it’s totally dad’s turn. You hint that it’s time to change baby. He doesn’t it.
Whoa, wait. He completely gets it. He knows exactly what’s going on. He’s a douche, not a dummy. He knows that it’s diaper changing time and he wants absolutely, positively nothing to do with it. He is ready to do anything and everything to get out of changing a diaper.
Okay, so this is kind of normal. No one ever wants to change a diaper. And dad is no exception. But, d-bag dad takes this a step farther. By the time your little one is out of diapers and into “big kid” underwear, you’ll realize that dad hasn’t changed a single diaper. Hmm. How did that ever happen?
11 Baffled By Bottles
Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out. Even though you’ve heard “breast is the best” a zillion times, “fed is best” is more like it. Whether you just prefer bottles, you can’t nurse for physical/medical reasons or it just isn’t happening, you need bottles for your baby.
Well, one bonus that bottles bring is that dad can feed baby too. Instead of it being mom, mom, mom all the time, dad can take over and do those middle of the night feedings. Or not. Suddenly he seems completely baffled by bottles. He can set up your home’s media system, but he can’t wrangle a bottle? Um, sounds kind of fishy.
He claims that measuring formula, adding water and putting together a bottle is just waaaaaay too much for his delicate little flower self to do. Of course, you can make a bottle in under 15 seconds. So he fumbles his way around, knowing that you’ll stop him and take over right away.
10 Well-Rested D-Bag Dude
Ugh! You’re exhausted. Again. You were up at midnight, 1:43, 2:56, 5:22 and finally got out of bed to start your day at 6:03. You’re a mom, and a zombie. You’re a mombie. And you’re absolutely, completely, entirely tired. You may have actually fallen asleep as you sipped on your morning coffee.
In the time you’ve been awake, you’ve managed to feed baby, change her, give her a bath, get her dressed, get yourself dressed, do two loads of laundry, wash 17 dishes, clean 14 cups, order groceries online and organize your kiddo’s closet. Oh, but dad’s still asleep. Well-rested dad wakes up whenever he wants. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he acts like he’s soooooo tired. He complains about his lack of sleep and goes as far as to ask you to make him coffee.
Yep. This dad has never gotten up for a middle of the night change or feeding. He’s all about his beauty sleep and could care less that you wake up at least once an hour to care for baby.
9 Kid Competitor
Keeping up with the Jonses takes on a whole new meaning when you become a parent. Suddenly your guy is constantly comparing the new baby to everyone else’s. The ‘kid competitor’ d-bag dad thinks his child is a special snowflake (well, isn’t she?) and is a million times better than everyone else’s.
Competitive dad makes everything a contest. And that’s majorly irritating. His friend’s baby walked at 11 months. Yours is rounding that mark and isn’t even cruising. That’s okay. Some babies don’t walk until well after the 1-year mark. But your baby daddy doesn’t care about the facts. He cares about beating his friend’s kid’s record.
This dad doesn’t stop at the end of baby-dom. No way. He just gets more douchey with age. He’s the hovering baseball dad, who’s yelling at the umpire and demanding that he should be the coach. Everything is a competition for him, and you’ll never win.
8 Super-Sized Stereo
Here he comes. That’s dad driving down the street. Oh, you heard him. You heard him from three blocks away. He’s got the base cranked up or he’s just blasting his prized sound system to the max. Whatever he’s doing, your guy is just being too loud. Not only is listening to his music at an unholy volume level, but he the baby in the car with him!
Yep, he’s putting his kiddo’s hearing in major jeopardy by listening to insanely loud music. Sure, his love of turning up the volume was annoying even before you had kids. But now that there’s a baby involved, it’s just totally unacceptable.
Obviously, you tell him to turn it down. Way down. Just to be extra douchy, he rolls his eyes and calls you a nag. Um, no. You’re just looking out for the baby’s health and safety. And of course, he is in total refusal to turn the music down.
7 Sick Kiddo
His kid is sick. Hey, it happens. A lot. Kids get sick. That’s kind of what they do. They get sick when you’re about to leave for vacation. They get sick when you have to go to work. And they get sick on their first day of school. But, d-bag dad kind of doesn’t care. Okay, he cares. That is, he cares about his kid.
So how does this equal dad being a d-bag? He doesn’t care about everyone else’s kids (or adults for that matter). He has to go to the mall, the grocery store or wherever. And he brings his sick kid along. Even though he knows that his sneezing, coughing kiddo is infecting everyone else, he just can’t stand to miss out on the bag of chips that’s calling his name at the grocery store. That’s where his child becomes patient zero. Yep. She sneezes all over the shopping cart, leaving a buffet of germs behind for the next person.
Then there are the “daycare at all costs” dads. These guys drop their sick kids off – even though the daycare has a sick policy that states that’s a no-no.
6 The Man Flu
What happens when you get sick? Um, nothing. You go on living your life. You get up at night with the baby. You do the laundry. You take the kids to school, go to work, clean the bathroom, read bedtime stories, give baths and do everything else that a mama does. Sure, your head is pounding, you have a fever and you can’t stop coughing. You do your best to isolate yourself, sticking to your office at work and not snuggling with the baby. But, you don’t let being sick break you.
And then there’s dad. He has the flu. Not the real flu (he actually only has a cold), but the man flu. The dreaded man flu is one of the most horrifically, disturbingly, dreadfully, shockingly gruesome diseases out there. Really, they should make some sort of vaccine for it. The man flu is what dad gets when everyone else has a stuffy nose. He’s absolutely positively sure he’s got whatever took down most of the planet on The Walking Dead. Dad’s on the couch, he can’t move and he needs you to wait on him – right now. Not only do you have a baby to take care of, but apparently you’re expected to make chicken noodle soup (from scratch), keep the ginger ale coming and give foot rubs.
Oh yeah, and you’re also expected to pour on the pity. Or not.
5 Home DIY-er
He’s got an awesome tool belt. Um, at least he thinks so. Last weekend he spent the baby’s diaper money on wood. Why? Well, he’s going to build a new china cabinet of course. After that he’s going to install a new toilet, re-carpet the living room and do some drywall work.
Ohhhh! You’ve got a DIY dad. He’s a gift, not a d-bag. Right? Hmm. He would be absolutely perfect if not for one major flaw – he has no idea what he’s doing. He thinks he knows. But he doesn’t. Not at all. Not even the slightest bit.
This dad has watched a zillion YouTube videos on DIY home projects. Now he thinks he’s the king of repairs, and he’s going to try all of them. Instead of actually fixing anything, all he manages to do is cost you money. Every project requires you to eventually call a professional (and sit around for half a day waiting for them) to clean up your baby daddy’s mistakes. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could use that money for things like diapers or baby clothes instead?
4 Chick Magnet
This is possibly the worst of the d-bag dad moves. He takes the baby out every Saturday for a nice long walk in the park. Huh? What? That’s not douchey. Oh wait, it is. “How?” you ask. Well…here it is – he isn’t taking baby out to be nice, helpful or to bond with the little tyke. Nope. He’s actually doing one of the most disgusting things a dad (especially a married or coupled-up dad) can do. He’s using baby to attract other women.
Come on. You know what happens when you see an adorable little tot. You get that baby fever and start gushing with the, “Ooohs” and, “Ahhs.” This d-bag dad move revolves around the fact that there are plenty of women out there who melt at the squishy little face of a baby. When he shows up at the park, jogging with baby in tow, every woman in the area descends upon him. They squeal over the baby, as he slyly takes his ring off.
He then moves in, flirting and maybe even asking some of the more…um open, women out. Ewww!
3 Too Much Texting
He’s hanging with the baby. Great! Good for him. He’s rocking her, cuddling and…texting. Texting? Parent-child bonding time should be just that, a time for parents to actually bond and connect with their kiddos. It shouldn’t be a time to text about fantasy football or where everyone is going for Dave’s bachelor party.
Dad might be a pretty amazing guy. But when the phone beckons, he checks out. You ask, beg and plead with him to put the phone down. It’s kind of like dealing with a teenager (get ready for what’s to come down the road). If only he’d stop texting and start giving the kiddo some serious attention. Even though this isn’t exactly the douchiest thing a dad could possibly do, it still irks you. You’re irritated, annoyed and are ready to throw his phone into the toilet. Too bad it’s waterproof. Okay, so maybe you’ll just conveniently lose it every now and then.
2 Anti-Appreciation Dad
You do so much for him every day. Even though you have the kids (and yourself) to take care of, you still devote plenty of time to your baby daddy. Not that you’re looking for an, “I’m the most selfless mama in the world” trophy or anything. But you wouldn’t mind a thank you every now and then. Well, this guy isn’t giving you so much as a, “Good job.”
He sees you rushing around and doing all the dirty work. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to acknowledge you. Okay okay. So there are probably plenty of guys who aren’t exactly on top of it when it comes to acknowledging their other half’s efforts. The d-bag dad is no stranger to skimping on the accolades. He kind of could care less that you do everything around the house, take care of the kids and work. After all, he just expects you to do this.
1 Nearly Neutral Attitude
He could take being a dad or leave it. He really doesn’t care. Well, it’s not exactly that he doesn’t care. He’s just kind of neutral about parenting. Yes, he loves his child. But the d-bag in him is screaming, “Eh, being a dad is no big deal. Who cares anyway?”
This neutral attitude is getting on your absolute last nerve. You put your heart and soul into being a parent and he doesn’t even seem to notice the fact that the baby has been at grandma and grandpa’s house for the past day.
Seriously. The baby could move out and it might be days until he realized it. Special occasions, holidays and all those other events that go along with having a child are left totally unnoticed by him. Dad has mentally checked out, and you can’t stand it. We know, it’s not fair. But that’s what you get when he’s more of a douche than a dad.