Ah, the homestretch is here! Once mom-to-be hits the 28 week mile marker the light at the end of the tunnel starts appearing brighter and brighter. Like a champ, she's survived the notorious nauseous days of the first trimester. During the second trimester she was rewarded with the feeling of precious little kicks and hiccups from baby.
(Hopefully, she's keeping a pregnancy journal so that she can remember all these little moments in the future.)
So, with the first two trimesters under mom-to-be's belt, she bravely steps into the last leg of this journey as this baby growing marathon grows closer to its finale. Now in her third trimester - well, now it’s getting harder to breathe, move, sleep, and just about everything else. Still, the end is very close indeed.
It is true that THIS is the trimester in which everything typically changes in many unexpected ways. Some women go from perfect gracefulness to letting it all hang out. Sometimes certain odd, out-of-the-blue events may occur during this period in a woman's pregnancy. We’re talking dirty, yucky, and often downright nasty things going on in the lives of women.
Whether avoidable or not, situations happen and we're here to tell you all about them. Here are 15 dirty stories from women in their last trimester.
15 Eat, Barf, Repeat
Denise - 35 weeks
"Not only am I starving the majority of the time, but I'm also sick as well. It's like my stomach is so incredibly hungry for sustenance that I feel I'm going to die without food right then and there. The only problem is that my nausea kicks in so often that the two symptoms always seem to be duking it out.
Naturally, the barfing wins 99% of the time. It's gross.
I will literally eat some food or an entire meal, throw it up, and then make the same exact meal for myself again because I'm so hungry for that specific food. It's a horrible cycle.
My girlfriends warned me about this and I absolutely did not believe them. How can a person seriously eat the same type of food that she just hurled down the drain? It's despicable.
I remember when I was a kid I really liked Ranch dressing. Because of my extreme adoration for this dressing, I decided that nothing could be better than drinking it right from the bottle. Yeah, bad idea. I've never eaten Ranch dressing again because it all came back up, but all these pregnancy meals are no problem at all!
Admittedly, I'm not going to stop eating and re-eating. I'm just too darn hungry!"
14 Digging For Dirt
Katie - 33 weeks
“During my pregnancy, I experienced what is call Pica. It’s the sensation of a pregnant woman craving dirt. Never believed it before it happened to me, but I’m a believer now!
The cravings were so strong that it was like an addiction. I would have to have dirt right then and there or I wouldn’t be able to cope. So, I’d find a clean spot in the yard and start digging. I would put the dirt on a cookie sheet, bake it until it was crispy, and then go to town.
I kid you not, it was one of the most satisfying snacks I’ve ever had in my life. Even I was shocked at this sensation.
I’m not saying it’s not weird as heck, but I am saying that in that moment, you couldn’t have taken my dirt away from me. Take my chocolate, my pizza, my coffee, but DO NOT take my dirt!”
13 I Shart Myself
Su Lin - 39 weeks
“I’ve felt just like a helpless child for most of this pregnancy and even more so on the day I’d wish I’d worn a diaper.
We were at a company picnic for my husband’s job and having a great time. It was early summer and the pollen had been getting to my sinuses already. I was sneezing like crazy because of it.
During one fateful sneeze, my body simply couldn’t hold in the pressure any longer. Not only did I pee myself, but I also messed myself at the same time. The only thing that saved me was that I had on long dark shorts, so no one could really see what happened.
Abruptly, I ended all socializing, got in the car and drove home. I left so quickly that I forgot to bring my husband with me, but he was used to funny pregnancy behavior at that point, so it was no biggie. I never even told him the true story.”
12 Ride It Out
Jamie - 40 weeks
“I’ve been a country girl all my life. Growing up on a ranch just sort of gets in your system I suppose. When I got pregnant, I just couldn’t bring myself to stop riding my horses.
I will say that instead of tackling the spirited ones, I stuck with my favorite old trail horse to attempt some kind of self protection. Some people could peg me as careless or say that I don’t love my baby because I’m putting him in harm’s way, but I don’t see it that way.
I’m not sure that I could have dealt with the stresses of pregnancy had I not been able to ride throughout it. I try to imagine the gentle sway of the horse's gate as sort of a rocker for my baby. He always seems to go to sleep when we’re riding, so it must be some kind of comfort for him as well.”
11 Stranger Danger
Carla - 32 weeks
"I was working as hostess for a chain restaurant, and one day the most bizarre thing happened to me...and my precious baby bump. We were touched by a stranger. Actually, it was more like violated by a stranger.
This crazy lady had been partying all night when the whole group of her wild women friends came into the restaurant to eat away their drunken stupors. We're talking women in their 50s, low husky voices from smoking all their lives, and enough hairspray to seal up the Hoover Dam.
We have groups like this all the time, but they are always just loud and obnoxious, nothing more. Well, this lady decided that it was her duty to rub my belly like a genie lamp. She then proceeded to lift up my shirt, press her face against my bare skin and sing, "Sweet Home Alabama" to my unborn child.
I was so shocked that I was nearly frozen in place. Strangers had touched my belly uninvited before, but never THIS!
My shift supervisor finally had to escort her out of the building because she kept running up to me singing "Sweet Home Alabama."
10 Mommy Wet The Bed
Deb and Scott - 36 weeks
"I was so embarrassed when it happened. My husband and I were getting intimate one night. I was on top trying to navigate around my big belly when I realized I'd accidentally peed on him a little. We're only talking about a few little drops, but still I was appalled.
I gasped and told him what had happened. He couldn't help but to laugh, which got me started laughing. All this laughing caused me to pee again, but this time it was much more. It was just hilarious and awful all at the same time.
We ended up changing the bed sheets, and never even got to the good stuff because of all the peeing and laughing. He was such a good sport about it all. He even jokingly volunteered to pee the bed as well just to make me feel better."
9 To Shave Or Not To Shave
Tonya - 29 weeks
"My pregnant belly got big very quickly. It nearly took on a life of its own, to say the least. I mean, I hadn't been able to see my privates for a while now, let alone attempt any form of manicuring. So, I was in jungle woman form down there.
I was scheduled to see my regular obstetrician that day, but he was unavailable due to an emergency. The on-call OB that particular day just so happened to be my high school boyfriend's father.
I was mortified.
This was the man who had given his son condoms the night we lost our virginity together. It was back in high school and we hadn't been an item for years and years, but still...
To top it all off, I was jungle woman. He tried to ease the tension by cracking jokes about being surprised that his son could navigate around the bush, but it only made matters worse. I haven't been able to look him in the eyes since."
8 Let'er Rip!
Danielle - 41 weeks
"For the past several weeks I'd had the worst gas. I don't know what it is about pregnancy that does my GI tract every time, but it reeks havoc on my gut. This is my fourth pregnancy. The first three weren't quite as severe as this one. Probably because I'm a little older now. Who knows?
Anyway, I was in the shower and I let one rip. The smell was outrageously awful. I gagged and gasped for some fresh air. Of course none was to be found because I'd polluted it all with toxic pregnancy butt fumes.
The smell was so bad that I ended up hurling right there in the shower.
So, basically my shower was useless. I felt even more gross when I exited the shower than I did before taking one. One thing about pregnancy that I won't miss, are the nasty farts!"
7 Caught In The Men's Washroom
Joanie - 32 weeks
“I’ve been a smoker since I was 15 years old. The hardest part of finding out I was pregnant was everyone telling me I had to quit smoking and admitting they were right. I was able to kick the habit all of three weeks for my pregnancy. Pathetic, right?
Well, I hid my habit fairly well while I was on the job. I’d make up some kind of excuse and catch a few drags here and there. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes it would take some creativity to hide the fact that I was still a smoker.
One day, when all my usual hiding spots were seemingly occupied, I snuck into one of the men’s restrooms. It was on the far side of the building and none of the guys really used it during the afternoon hours.
Little did I know that my boss used this as his little afternoon getaway during especially stressful days. He busted me right in the middle of a long drag. I felt like such a loser.”
6 Breaking The Rules
Theresa - 39 weeks
“It’s a no no, I understand, but I figured out a way to do it that wouldn’t harm my baby. I’ve always been a belly sleeper. Even pregnant, I was uncomfortable any other way.
So, I bought one of those inflatable things that looks like a pool raft. Goofiest looking things on the market, for real. This one had a hole cut away right in the middle, perfect for accommodating a big belly. I put that in my bed and let my belly hang down the built-in hole.
It was perfect! I’m not sure how I would have survived without sleeping on my belly. I know there are so many rules about what you should and shouldn’t do during your pregnancy, but there has to be a way to bend them. This is just my way of bending the rules.”
5 Releasing Some Tension
Rebecca - 39 weeks
“I’m not sure what it was about the third trimester that boosted my libido by like 300 percent, but some hormone sure gave me an extra kick. My baby's daddy ditched me about 25 weeks into the pregnancy, which left a huge void in my life in more ways than one.
First of all, my unborn child was now fatherless. Secondly, I was a hot mess and needed some help in the bedroom department, like pronto.
That’s when my friend Will stepped in to help me out. Seriously, this guy was not my child’s daddy, but he sure did relieve some of the pressure I was feeling internally.
It might seem strange to some for a woman to have an intimate relationship with someone other than the father of her unborn child, but I didn’t care. It’s not like my baby was looking at us disapprovingly.
Once I gave birth, I returned back to my normal self. Will and I went our separate ways and that was that.”
4 The Great Escape
Gloria - 41 weeks
“It can be difficult to remain ladylike in the midst of pregnancy, especially the third trimester. Ok, so it’s actually impossible to do so and here’s why - you’re large, very large! Things squeak out while other things just don’t stay put.
Let me explain.
During week number 41 of my latest pregnancy, my husband and I were entertaining a salesman who was pitching us a steam cleaner. He was going on and on about what all this machine could do, and we were thoroughly impressed.
I was sitting on the couch - following proper etiquette and all - when I decided to lean over a bit to get a better look at all the gadgets. As I leaned, a squeaky gas leak from my rear decided to serenade us.
I was so embarrassed I’d farted in front of this house guest that I tried to pretend like it had never happened. Thankfully, the salesman was graceful enough to do the same. Needless to say, we bought the steam cleaner.”
3 Don't Touch My Shrimp!
Dahlia - 36 weeks
“I’ve read that eating shrimp during pregnancy is safe because it’s not one of the dreaded seafood high in mercury. I’m not sure whoever dictated that standard had me in mind, though.
During my pregnancy, I could not get enough shrimp. I would have eaten it for every single meal if I could. Actually, I nearly did! It didn’t matter how it was prepared, I just had to have shrimp. I figured that surely I had overloaded on mercury intake, but everything was perfect.
You wouldn’t think that these funny looking bottom-dwellers would cause such a riot, but I rallied for them day and night, night and day. Not that I didn’t have cravings for shrimp before pregnancy, because I did.
My cravings before pregnancy were nothing like this, though. I mean, this is outrageously overboard and insane!”
2 Fist Of Legend
Dawn - 39 weeks
“I’m a boxer and I love the sport. I’ve been boxing since I was about 14, and I’ve developed quite the knack for it.
I decided to box all during my pregnancy. I loved the idea of my baby being right there with me as I did what I loved. It was exercise and it was just my thing.
I know they say that boxing is okay as long as you’re not boxing against another person, but I did that too. Seriously who is going to hit a pregnant woman in the belly? No one!
I loved the cardiovascular high boxing provided as it kept me in great shape, which came in handy during delivery time. I’m not sure this is for everyone, but I’ve been in the ring for so long that I know what feels right and what doesn’t. It was right for me.”
1 Impaired Judgement?
Cecilia - 30 weeks
“I’m a huge fan of Penne alla vodka. Admittedly, I made this even when I was pregnant. I even cheated a little. I would double the amount of vodka the recipe called for, and didn’t let it cook long enough to let it burn off the alcohol.
Essentially this was my way of drinking without drinking. The meal was absolutely delicious, and I don’t think any real harm was done.
I pulled this same stunt with any recipe that called for protein and anything 80 proof. It’s not like I was drinking vodka straight from the bottle. I gave it a fair chance to burn away…okay, I gave it a half-hearted chance to burn away.”