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15 Harsh But True Confessions Of What Newborns Look Like

Babies are one of the cutest living creatures on this Earth. Really, any baby creature – human or animal – is so darn adorable that it can make a grown man weak in the knees. For babies, we just can’t get over their cute chubby cheeks, pudgy thighs, and innocent little giggles. For anyone to say that a baby just ain’t that cute certainly doesn’t have a shred of humanity in them.

While babies are a cause for admiration, newborns, on the other hand, lack something to be desired. When an infant emerges fresh from the oven, it’s a sight you will sometimes want to have burned from your memories. With their purple and mucous-soaked skin and underdeveloped features, the first few weeks of an infant’s life are a time that no parent should ask the question, “Isn’t [he/she] adooooorable?” Of course a mother is going to think that their child is the most beautiful thing in the world – she created it out of thin air! But that first month is a crucial time for anyone to flat out lie about the state of a baby’s cuteness levels and do their best to not look directly at the newborn in question.

If you’ve secretly harboured the thought that newborn babies are the most hideous, right before turning into the most adorable, you’re not alone. There are many people who share the same harsh but truthful secret. Find out if you agree with some of the examples that people have used to describe the look of those first few weeks of infancy.

15 When Your Newborn Has More Goals Than You Do

Either way you look at this – the past being compared to the present – it’s safe to say that they’re both not good when it comes to describing the newborn. Each example isn’t describing a cute and soft cooing baby, but one that resembles a hairless shar pei and another that looks like a deceptive mouse figuring out a plot for what they should do tonight, a la Pinky & The Brain. Newborn babies can look a little distrusting in those first few weeks of life, and with good reason. They’ve been removed from the only safe and warm home they’ve ever known and are regularly surrounded by doting and sleep-deprived humans. It’s only natural that they’re going to look confused and angry. Whether those emotions are within their control is another story, but feeling like your newborn is judgemental and skeptical of you is an all too common thought for new parents.

14 At Least They Get Cuter, Unlike Rats

While the comparison to bald baby rats is not entirely a stretch, we do have to factor in the obvious size difference between these two examples. Baby rats are like the size of a grape and can’t open their eyes until they’re around two weeks old. Babies come out heavy and taking in the sights of their parents within minutes of exiting the womb. We’re being a little too observant here, but we’ll still acknowledge the analogy. Babies are indeed wrinkled and hairless, so this person has made an excellent judgement about why newborns are not as cute as people claim them to be. Anything that fresh from an incubator is going to look weird when exposed to the jarring, cold elements of the world. Their body temperature changes so fast, it’s no wonder their first instinct is to wail into the catcher’s face and request bundling ASAP.

13 They DO Act Like They're From Another Planet

Admitting something as trivial and existential as the idea that babies descend from alien lifeforms takes a lot to accomplish. Refraining from telling the parents? That’s a feat worthy of an award. Even if parents can find some logic in your idea, they still don’t want to have their fears confirmed by the keen observations of others. They’re already having a difficult enough time connecting with the defecating, crying, sleeping blob – and they’ve certainly questioned the origins of their child once or twice before – so it’s not going to be a welcomed remark when some houseguest decides to divulge their scrutinies about their child, as well as not bring any food. It’s a risky move for anyone, which is why it’s much better to admit your thoughts through an anonymous app and save your exhausted friends from knowing that their baby is being judged.

12 Hey, They've Got A Point

This confession could not be any truer. When it comes to day-of snapshots of your newborn, it’s best to keep those images in your private collection, ‘cause ain’t nobody gonna want to see that. Delivery room shots are probably the worst to share with an online collection of friends and acquaintances who will likely be forever scarred and turned off of babies forever with your rude addition to their timelines. It was vital that we included this request in our list of newborn comparisons, because while it may be harsh to refer to a newborn as an ugly potato, it’s true, and all of you new parents most certainly should wait a little before posting a gooey, screaming mess of a human for all of your followers to witness. It’s just basic decency to debut your new son or daughter under more ideal and less shameful circumstances.

11 It's The Circle Of Life

We hear this analogy all the time, and it’s no surprise as to why. Before babies start to come into their cutesy, identifiable features, their expressions are pretty drab. They’re perpetually exhausted from making their way through the birth canal and they squish up their faces as to get used to the feeling of emotions. They definitely look like your grandpa is disapproving of your life choices, even if their skin is quite noticeable fresher. The beginning of life is definitely comparable to the end of life, with the endless naps they both take, need for diapers, and a general lack of understanding of others, elderly men is a pretty bang-on interpretation of what a newborn looks like, to be honest. But at least this person who pointed out this resemblance also had the decency to admit that it was an adorable feature, even if many might not agree.

10 There's Do Denying That They Can Get A Little Waterlogged

This person is laying down some serious truths on us all. It’s pretty infuriating when a bun is hot from the oven and loved ones and nurses start making claims of who the newborn looks most like. The only thing it looks like is a P.O.’ed tiny human that’s been saturating for far too long. Comparable features such as eye colour or smiles do not exist yet, so this early statement can be annoying even to the parents. It’s also funny to note the resemblance of a newborn to a soaked toe, since this is probably the closest anyone has ever been to stating what a newborn baby actually looks like. Between the wrinkles, redness, and engorged state, a newborn being compared to a toe that’s been sitting in hot water is logic that can’t be argued. A newborn has been incubating in hot water for months, so when it finally emerges, it’s gonna look pretty waterlogged.

9 Well, Communication IS An Issue At That Age

Well, at least this person thinks that newborns are cute. That’s gotta count for something. Then again, they are comparing the tiny bundles of joy to an alien, so we’re made to wonder what their standards are for measuring cuteness levels. In all of our previous encounters with aliens (online and in movies), we were quickly looking for another word to describe the snarling and inquisitive stranger before our eyes. Cute was definitely not one of the first words to come to mind, unless we’re talking about those adorable squishy toys from Toy Story. Even so, they have made an observation that many others have made before them. With their spindly arms and legs, toothless mouths, dark as night eyes, and bald heads, newborn babies are pretty similar in character traits to that of the infamous grey alien, so maybe they’re all onto something.

8 She's Not Lying

Being a first time mom is pretty exciting, but it’s also pretty scary. Until your first baby reaches about three months of age, it’s really difficult to connect with something that resembles virtually every other baby. Not liking newborns is a safe admission because not many people do – as you can see, even mothers are not very fond of them. They definitely look weird, and handling them is even weirder. In their light and fragile state, they can’t hold their heads up, which makes for some super awkward and edgy moments. Have you ever tried to bathe a newborn? It’s nerve racking to say the least. Weird is just the start of beginning to describe how these young creatures look, especially with those foreign cries, jittery limbs, throbbing soft spot on top of their heads, and stomachs that are disproportionate to the rest of their bodies.

7 We'll Never Get That Image Out Of Our Heads Now

In case you couldn’t read that last word, it’s ‘body’. They’re saying that a newborn looks like a blobfish with a tiny mutilated human body. Wow. Harsh, indeed. This is an image that will forever scar expecting mothers, causing them to promptly cancel their deposits they had with their delivery room photographer. If you’ve never seen a blobfish, Google that creature. It’s terrifying. With that, we have to say that this comparison is WAY rough. Newborns have their issues, sure, but none have been able to sneak into our nightmares the way that blobfish have. While newborns can seem like a deflated human at times, you have to keep in mind that they’re very much still developing, and until they become acclimated to our world, they’re probably gonna look a little weird and confusing. But to compare them to a nasty and terrifying blobfish. That’s just cruel.

6 This Truth Is Eeeeeexcellent

Between a newborn’s scarcity of hair on their head, skeptical looks on their faces, and inability to function independently, we can totally see the similarity between a days old infant and the old, decrepit, and deceptive cartoon character. If you include the possibility of jaundice in newborns, some infants can even pull off the same (temporary) skin tone as Mr. Burns, making the resemblance truly uncanny! The person who made this observation has a gift in comparing unlikely things, because we can honestly say that we’ve never heard this one before, but the accuracy amazes us! While being home with your newborn might bring on a desire to run and hide when they beckon for you from their office – er – nursery, we’re sure your time spent catering to their every need will be appreciated in the long run, unlike Mr. Burns who always knocks Smithers down a peg.

5 Seems Like Everyone Is Giving Birth To Benjamin Button

Man, so many people have a hate on for being seen newborn baby pictures. This seems to be a trend, so it’s probably safe to tell all you new parents to hide your galleries from folk who haven’t previously shown any interest in viewing your latest curated exhibit of your red-faced, swaddled infant. If someone excitedly asks to take a peek at the delivery photos, only then do you bust out your phone and share. Refrain from a public Facebook post, Instagram collection, and definitely keep those Snaps to yourself, because when it comes to newborn pictures, the rule goes: if they don’t ask, don’t tell. Once your baby comes into their cuteness, it’s reasonable for someone to expect a rosy-cheeked infant dressed in a hilarious onesie and sitting next to a few blocks spelling out “3 Months Old”. By then, they’ve outgrown the old man look and have now entered the baby phase.

4 It's Probably Because They Are

Eeeeep. Newborns definitely look like they’ve got a permanent constipation face plastered on them, and even though that’s just the way their faces look at that age, it’s probably likely that they are constipated. Newborns are highly susceptible to getting clogged up because a) they’ve never had to defecate until now, and b) their diets have changed drastically since simply absorbing the nutrients of mom in utero. Between a diet of milk – formula is even worse – and never experiencing the sensation to “go” before, newborns are naturally reluctant, if not incapable, of producing a bowel movement. Don’t blame a newborn for their expressions of discomfort. It’s just science. Also, wouldn’t you be a tad disgruntled if you were building up five days worth of meals in your system? Yeah, it’s a hard-knock life for an infant.

3 Not Even Melania Wants To Hear That

It’s certainly adorable when babies take on the characteristics of famous people. It makes for excellent photos, laughs, and shares across social media (see: “baby Gordon Ramsay lookalike”). But you can be sure that with a resemblance of America’s president, everyone will be wanting to tuck their camera’s aside. Between the thinning blonde hair, orange skin, sagging face, and bizarre expressions...wait, okay we can actually sort of see now how this comparison rings true. After all, if a newborn can look like Mr. Burns, then Donald Trump is not too far off. While it may not be the most conventional observation, it’s probably best to remain close-lipped about mentioning that your sister’s newborn looks like an unhinged real estate mogul and arch nemesis to many. You did the right thing by anonymously getting that opinion off your chest – and into our hands – via Whisper.

2 Yes, But At Least They're Not Born With Wings

When it comes to discussing the negative thoughts regarding infant cuteness levels, it’s always a good idea to keep quiet. Remember the age-old statement: if you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. When parents welcome their first child, it can be an extremely sensitive time, especially for new mothers. They cannot fathom the idea that the human they made could resemble anything less than an angel sent from heaven, so exposing the truth of her newborn looking liking a plucked chicken can be life-shattering for her. Even though she’ll later look back at old photos, laugh, and agree with you, those first few months of life are way too sensitive to be truthful, no matter how close and honest you are with the parents. Even though featherless poultry does resemble oddly-shaped naked babies, nobody gotta hear about it until after the child’s first Thanksgiving dinner.

1 They W(h)ine Like Them, Too

Alright, this person is coming in hot with that opening line. Hating babies is just insane. Babies are beautiful, glowing balls of pure joy. But they are still right about one thing – newborns are the worst. To call it a soggy raisin is not a stretch from the truth, as many other comparisons seem to be following the same lines of thought. Soggy raisin, soggy toe? No big diff. However, we do see a lot more truth in this observation than this anonymous venter probably did. For one, a soggy raisin is just the worn out corpse of a grape, something that is used to craft the most coveted liquid of moms worldwine, er we mean worldwide. That, of course, is wine. As a newborn ages out of its soggy raisin stage and becomes a baby with requests and demands, or a toddler with opinions, all of that whining can make any hour wine-o-clock. So while the raisin bit is accurate and hilarious, it hits home in more ways than one.

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