My soon-to-be-ex-husband moved out last weekend— Sweetest Day 2016. This decision to part ways has been a long time coming, but it remains a surreal experience just the same. When you commit to spending the rest of your life with someone and your marriage barely exceeds half a decade, it can really bum you out. Obviously, that’s an understatement. My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I had great intentions.

Unfortunately, we did not know one another well enough to earnestly devote the next 60 years to each other. Perhaps, more importantly, we did not know ourselves at all. We met, right- smack-dab in the middle of an identity crisis. I wanted to do so much with my life and didn't have the focus to start down any particular road. He dealt with post college depression and uncertainty that left him wanting to do nothing in particular. So, he latched onto a church, and I latched on to him.

His abbreviated version is, he wasn’t ready for marriage. He went from college, to his mother’s house, to our house. He misses the bachelor hood he didn’t have a chance to experience. My abbreviated version is, I got married for the wrong reasons. I saw safety in the nice guy from the suburbs who wanted to be a preacher. But, alas, I can confidently say, we were not meant to be. Gratefully, we both maintain a positive outlook on marriage and are grateful for the silver lining—our children. But there are some harsh realities of divorce, that are unavoidable, in even the most amicable un-couplings.

15 Coming To Terms

When I said, “I do”, I meant it. So, the process of acknowledging and then accepting, we would no longer be an item, was gut wrenching. What about all our plans? Businesses, inventions, vacations, and other dreams we dreamt together? What about the house we said we'd buy? What about moving to Florida in a few years? What about getting into shape together and getting more tattoos together, lol? Accepting the fact that none of those hopes will be actualized— or not in the way they were planned, together, was one of the most difficult realities our decision created.

14 Losing The Family I Thought I Had

My mother-in-law and I weren’t besties, nor was my relationship with my sister-in-law enviable, but we were family. Even when biological family members have less than perfect relationships, you’ll always be family. There is a permanency there. You are secure in those relationships because they are not reversible, where as an “in-law” situation is totally nullifiable. I went to my former mother-in-law’s house to pick up the children. I sat outside because I suspected I wouldn’t be welcomed. As I waited for my ex to bring my little ladies out to me, his mother pulled up, saw my car, and never even turned toward me. Purposefully. I sat there waiting for her to look up so I could give at least the courtesy of a wave, but she wasn’t interested in even the slightest acknowledgement of my presence. The last time I saw her, before we had told a soul, she hugged and kissed me and we talked about her boyfriend. Now, I am unworthy of even her eye-contact. I’m not her daughter anymore.

13 Doing It Alone, When That Wasn’t The Plan

I had one child prior to our marriage; and I vowed to never put myself in the position to raise a child alone, again. I often vigorously, and without solicitation, declared, “no more children until I’m married”. My eldest was 10 years old when I began again with my ex. But here I am, with not 1, not 2, but 3 children and I am once again, a single mom. My ex isn’t too bad. He picks them up every other weekend, he provides a certain amount of financial support to the household, and on Wednesdays he picks them up from daycare and gives them dinner while I attend my night class. But that is a far cry from the plan. The plan was for him to be there to help me get them ready for school, for him to be there when they’re running away naked when I’m trying to put them in the bath tub. The plan was to raise them together, not for me to raise them with his assistance.

12 Worrying About The Children

My girls seem to be okay right now. My 14-year old is content with the bi-weekly weekend visits, my 3-year-old doesn’t know what’s going on, but my 4-year-old has expressed sadness that daddy is living with grandma. She says, “we had 5 family, now we have 4”. But fortunately, she is easily distracted by tickles, ice cream, and dress-up play. I also tell her that we’ll always be a family. But I worry, how will this impact them a year from now, or two, or twenty? When they begin to have conversations about mommy and daddy amongst their friends. When they see a mommy and daddy together on television, will they remember that their daddy formerly resided with us? Will they feel left out? Will they feel insecure? When the day comes that they inquire why we are not together, and eventually suggest that we reconcile (which I still do annually, to my own parents) how will they be impacted when their hopes are dashed? It disturbs me to know, that at some point, my girls will be wounded by a decision I made.

11 The Financial Strain

I earned passive income as a wife. I was/am a freelance writer. My husband’s entire income went to the betterment of our household. Obviously, that has changed. Additionally, I began my MFA program not even two weeks before “the discussion”. So, I almost immediately had to withdraw from two of my classes, and assume part-time status. I needed more availability to interview, plus the time I spent on required readings, became better suited for my job hunt. So, while I scramble to transition from freelance writer and part-time office worker, to full-time employee, the bills he cannot cover—my car note— go unpaid.

10 Married Friends Back Away

For some reason, well for an arguably good reason, married friends scatter into their respective corners and shield their covenants, when something like this happens. Which is a common tactic for those in a troubled-marriage already. My best friend is happily married and listening to my troubles only pushes her closer to her husband, in gratitude, thus we talk daily. But my remaining married friends have disappeared into the night. I was the first one married amongst my friends and associates; my advice was once prized. I am now a piranha— a cautionary tale.

9 Letting My Single Friends and Marriage-Hopefuls Down

While my married friends flee, my single friends sulk. I had the happy ending they dreamed of, especially fellow single mothers. I met a “great” guy, got married, had a family, and I was blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. To some, on the outside, I had it all. While many of them continued to struggle in more ways than one. I found myself saying, “I’m sorry, girl” more times than I can count. I never knew how many people were watching, inspired, and experiencing increased hope and desire, because of us.

8 Dealing With Those Who Are Overly Concerned

I love my daddy! He loves me so much, and is so concerned about me. The other day, he asked me to show him how to delete my ex, as his friend, on Facebook. After all, my ex “broke his baby’s heart”. Of course, I appreciate the sentiment. But his calling schedule was bi-hourly. And though other friends and family members did not match him in daily efforts to contact me, when I spoke to anyone, the parting of ways was all they wanted to discuss. It’s like I was no longer me. I was me minus him. And that is when Pity made his entrance. The furrowed brows, bit lips, and grief creased foreheads irritated the crap out of me! I know no one meant any harm, but that didn’t change my disdain for being handled with kid gloves.

7 The Partial Loss Of Identity

Unfortunately, I allowed my identity to become fully submerged under our joint identity. I changed who I was for him, and didn’t even notice. Anything that went against our shared identity, I shed it or at least laid it to rest, in my individual personality. We were the poor man’s version of Brangelina. I recently noticed, within the bio sections of my social media platforms, the word “wife” always came first, then mom, and then writer, and then the quirky stuff like “laugher”, and “part-time slayer”. But wife was my primary person-hood.

6 Feeling Unloved, Unwanted, and Rejected

Even though, I was not looking for a husband when I met him, the day after I walked across the stage at our alma mater, Eastern Illinois University, I felt valued when he chose me. There were several girls from his past interested in the new him, numerous young ladies from his job had dropped hints, and even more so-called platonic friends were waiting for him to realize he loved them. And within 8 months of our introduction, he had chosen me. I felt so valuable, wanted, and loved. I was the discovered diamond in the rough. But now, that he has had a change of heart, those warm and toasty emotions have frosted. Now that he doesn’t want me, or realized he never wanted me, I can’t help but to conclude that I am not valuable. Of course, I think I’m great…but a lot of losers think they’re great. I can’t pretend that his perception of me doesn’t matter, because it does. We have been together for 6 years, so he knows me well. Well enough to walk away with a certainty that I’m not what he wants. Ouch!

5 Mourning My Marriage

My husband and I were determined to end the pattern of divorce in our families, what we called The Generational Curse of Divorce. It was so important to us. We wanted to model life-long marriage to our children. I was a huge marriage advocate; no matter what issue(s) the couple faced, I always told my friend/family member to stay the course! I was a person who thought that a marriage could survive anything (and I still am, to an extent). I thought divorce was downright evil. My views were black and white. Some would say I was naive and ignorant, that some includes me. I loved marriage/covenant almost as much as I loved him. So, when I couldn’t salvage my marriage (without living a lie) I was devastated.

4 Combating Bitterness

When I graduated from college, I had such high hopes. I was considering joining The Navy and The Peace Corps, vast opposites, right? I applied for grad school and an internship in Springfield. I applied for jobs locally in Chicago but also in California and Georgia. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted it to be big— a massive life change. And then I met him and joined his church. And life became all about him and church/ministry. And no, he didn’t force me. But he did lead me. Months later after we were married, he lost interest in “Godly” things— the very things our relationship was based on.

Additionally, had been withdrawn and uninterested in intimacy since our first week as man and wife. So, one month in to this misery, I told him I wanted to annul it. And he begged me not to. He told me that neither of us had seen healthy marriage during our childhood and that we both just needed time to work the kinks out. I believed him. We agreed to get pregnant and move forward.

Years later, during “The Discussion”, he says he wasn’t ready— after I had given him his out, years ago. So here I am, mother of 3, very little progress in my career, no additional education or skill set, and he basically tells me this was all a mistake, except the kids— who by virtue could never be called that. He has the luxury of just moving on with his life. He can play the field with mass quantities of freedom, with the financial ability to do so, as a management level employee in his field.

When we met, he earned little over minimum wage in a retail loan store. I did his resume and cover letter, I applied for the real jobs, I prepped him for interviews, I sat in the car and prayed while he interviewed, I kept the children full time so he could pay his entry level dues by working ridiculous hours, including weeks out of town— but I digress. Some would say, I got the short end of the stick. But thinking that way doesn’t make me better, so I don’t. I must fight to smile, to see the silver-lining in all of this, to believe that I can build an even better life now than I could then, and that everything happens for a reason. I have decided that all of this will build my character, not break my spirit.

3 A Loss Of Confidence

When I graduated from college, a confidence settled over me. I had beat the odds. I was a teen mom, who not only finished high school with all honors classes, but also completed my degree. I had support, sometimes, and other times I didn’t. But I never gave up custody of my baby, though well-meaning family members tried to convince me. I never quit school, though different well-meaning family advised me to simply go back once she was an adult. I never gave up, even when I had to hold down a full-time job and a full class schedule. And I did all this without the help of her biological father or any other man. I had many set-backs but after seven long years, at the age of 25 I was finished. I was fired up!!! I believed in myself! And now, I am so unsure. I hope to get my writing career all the way off the ground, but I don’t know if it’s going to happen for me. Because, unlike my post college singlehood which was marked by my success, my new found single status was established via my failure.

2 Learning To Appreciate My New Life

 

But it’s not all gloom and doom; I have the closet to myself now. My life is emotionally stress-free. When my girls come get in the bed with me at night, I don’t have to go sleep in their bed, because there is not enough room for all of us, because of the space he takes up. I make the decisions I think are best, I don’t have to convince anyone else. Also, I am re-building my goals. I want a passport. I want to become an even better roller-skater. I want to go to poetry open mic nights, readings, and listen to live music. I want to try new things. And best of all, I no longer need to pray for the man that vowed to love me, to love me. I don’t have to find ways to be content with my unmet needs. I don’t have to continue to keep up appearances or fit square pegs into round holes. I am free.

1 Future Possibilities

There was comfort in thinking I knew what my life would look like five, ten, or even fifty years from now. But, not knowing is a little more fun— especially when I think long term. When I’m 46, my youngest will be off to college. I always wanted to become a travel writer as an empty nester, but he didn’t like to travel, and honestly I was afraid if I went without him he would be unfaithful in my absence. Well, I certainly don’t have to worry about that anymore. I see myself as this really cool middle aged woman, that’s in great shape, backpacking through all types of places, helping the needy, adventuring, writing, being a phenomenal example to my girls, and a total bad ass. I can see myself and my future so differently now. Different good.

Bottom line— divorce sucks.

But, there is life afterwards.

Avoid it if you can.

Embrace it if you must.