You’ve felt the dread, we all have. That worry that our kids will walk in while we’re in the middle of having sex, and we will have inexplicably scarred them for life. It’s a pretty typical worry. The question is, what would you tell them if they walked in? They’re too young to understand sex, so trying to explain that is out of the question... but they’re old enough to expect an explanation.
Let’s explore this topic through the eyes of someone who, for whatever reason, just can’t remember to lock the door. Most people wouldn’t be this forgetful and never keep their door unlocked, and it’s borderline neglectful to keep doing so. This is a situation that would probably never happen, but it’s funny to imagine!
So, put yourself in this (fictional) woman’s shoes... you’re with your partner, and you want frisky time. And cue the music and raise the curtains....
Note: This article contains adult content that may not be safe for work. Please continue at your own discretion. Thank you!
15 Running Out of Air
You’re under the covers, giving a bit of fellatio, when the door opens up. You pop up, shocked, and you both stare at your wide eyed little wonder. “What were you doing?” they ask. You think for a minute, then give a smile.
“Oh, honey, your daddy was running out of air! Like a balloon! You know how he talks and gets grumpy, and lets out all that hot air? I was just blowing him back up!”
Your little one leaves satisfied; you are the hero who saved Daddy from going flat, and everything is good! Until they go to school the next day and tell the teacher about your heroic life-saving act.
14 Taking Mommy’s Temperature
Phew! You dodged that last bullet! Surely, you remembered to lock the door this time, right?
So this time, you’re busted one step further in the deed; he’s in to the hilt and in walks your precious child. You can’t say you’re pumping Daddy full of air this time, but, Daddy has the perfect solution!
“It’s ok, I’m just taking Mommy’s temperature, she wasn’t feeling too good, that’s where the noise was coming from.” Another bullet dodged!
13 Automotive Detail
You didn’t remember to lock the door, did you? The temperature excuse isn’t going to work this time, because Mommy was feeling fine a few minutes ago! You groan in exasperation, glare at him since you told him to lock the door, then you both go deep into thought. He comes up with a work of genius...well, to him anyhow.
“Mommy’s fluids were low, so I was checking them with my dipstick!” With a look of sheer horror as your child walks out of the room, you give your partner an absolute death glare and a firm, hard swat on the shoulder.
12 It’s Just a Fight
Those loud noises had to draw some attention in from the little ones. As you hear the tell tale noise of the door creaking open ominously, you squeak and dive under the blankets. (One of these days, you will remember that door lock.)
Your kids ask, what was all that noise? Before he can open his mouth and insert his foot, you’d think he was trying to compete with you, you speak up.
“We were just fighting, guys. I’m sorry, honey,”you say as you peck his cheek as if you’re making up for a fight. As they smile and leave, you fall back onto the pillows in exasperation.
As you hear the pitter patter of feet again, you glance over at the door...you ask your partner if he locked the door, and he enthusiastically says he did...right before your kids run in the room. You shoot him a glare as you cover up, and pretend to be asleep. Your kids wait for an answer to their usual question of, “Whatcha’ doing?”
As you narrow your eyes at your husband, he pipes up. “It’s a magic trick! I was making...stuff ...disappear.” As they look confused, and walk off, you shake your head at him. A magic trick? Really?
10 Did You Look in the Kitchen?
As you’re in the middle of the horizontal tango, you hear a rattle of the doorknob. The door was locked, but the lock slips and in walks your little one. “Where’s Mommy?” they ask, as you hide under the blanket.
As your partner feigns a look of confusion, he speaks up. “I haven’t seen her son, I was about to take a nap. Have you looked in the bathroom or the kitchen?” They smile, and you hear them take off, running to check the other rooms. Ok, even you have to admit, that one was clever.
9 Up, Down...1!
You guys decide to change it up, and instead of the usual, you decide to try and do like the ‘doggies’ do, wink-wink. You hear it, again, and as you throw the blankets up, the door opens. Before they can ask, you start doing push ups on the bed. He gets the idea, and joins in.
“Oh, hi! Daddy was helping me do some push ups! You know how we like to work out!”, you say, as they nod and smile. “Go play and let us finish working out!” you tell them, as they leave. You let out a sigh of relief, as they leave and close the door behind them. You grin, as the door clicks shut, and you shoot your partner a knowing look.
8 A Poisonous Situation
You’re at it again, and this time, you’re at least clothed for the most part when the door opens. Unfortunately, as he’s sitting and you’re kneeling in front, you’re at a loss as to what to tell them.
Then it hits you. You smile, and look over to the kids. “Hey, everything is ok guys. Daddy was bitten by a snake. I just had to suck the venom out, but he’s ok now!” They gasp, and ask him if he’s ok before going out of the room to color. Your partner gives you a smirk. Nice save!
7 Summer Cuddles
It’s a warm, summer day, and you know what you’re up to again. Bow chicka wow wow. As you hear the telltale signs that someone needs something, aka the pitter patter of feet, you and him quickly lay on your side on the bed, and cover up.
In they come, and before they can speak up, you smile and say, “We’re cuddling! It’s so warm that we took off our clothes, and we forgot to put them back on! Go get some water, we’ll be right out.” They accept it with a smile, and leave, and your head hits the pillow as you let out a relieved sigh.
Mmm, who doesn’t like to get up and ‘save a horse, ride a cowboy’ every once in a while?? You saddle up, and you’re close to the finish line when the door opens. As they look confused, you praise the deity of your choice that the covers were pulled up, and your partner opens his mouth.
You begin to pray as he speaks. “Guys, you totally ruined it, we were playing horsey! NO you can’t join in! Go play!” As they leave, you stifle a snicker. Ok, that wasn’t the worst idea ever...as far as excuses go.
5 It’s Saturday Night Wrestling!
It’s getting rough, and you like it like that! The headboard is slamming against the wall, the kids are in bed, and you’re making noises that make a trip to the zoo at feeding time look tame. You don’t even hear when the door opens. You do see when two eyes are staring at you, peeping from the side of the bed. You yelp, he falls off and hits the floor, and you’re thankful that you opted to leave your shirt on. Your kid looks frightened, and you can’t blame him. Luckily, you think of a good excuse on the fly.
“Phew! That’s tougher than it looks! We wanted to try out those wrestling moves that we saw earlier tonight! It’s hard though! Do you want some water, I can get you some water.” As the dear one nods yes, you smile, and lead them to the kitchen for a late night glass of water, and you tell your partner to pull the bed out from the wall so that the headboard doesn’t hit it for round 2. Wink, wink.
4 Tax Time!
You and your hubby are bored and watching TV, the kids are playing with their play kitchen in the playroom, and you’re feeling frisky. You’re going to remember that lock this time, but you don’t even make it to the bedroom before your kids are sticking their heads out of the door frame, asking where you’re going.
You decide to go with a staple, an excuse you use whenever you and the hubby sneak off to have some one-on-one time. “We’re just gonna go do our taxes, guys. We’ll be right out.” As you lock the bedroom door, you tell your partner that the excuse should buy you 5 minutes, so hop to it.
3 Bug Killing
Yeah, you know the drill. You left the door locking to your partner and, well, he forgot. You hear the door open as he’s, well, let’s put it this way; you have a red hand print on your bum. You sigh, and then you get this interesting thought!
You start slapping at your shoulder, and you shout, “You missed it! Get it! There’s a bug on me!” He’s good at catching on, and tells the curious kid to run before the bug gets her. She runs off, and you wait until she’s gone before you stop the theatrics.
2 Mmmm, Stretching!
You’re sprawled out, he’s under the covers, and all is zen with the world. The kids are at Nana’s and not due back for a few hours... and you hear the door open. Before he can get out from under the blankets, you hear one kid run in and ask if you’re awake, since you’re laying funny.
You open one eye and nod. “Yeah, I was stretching, I just woke up. Can you go let Nana know I’ll be right out?” As they leave, you decided to let your mom know that a phone call to let you know she’s bringing the kids back early would be really helpful next time. Just saying.
1 Mommy’s Itchy!
You’re in the middle of a massage, and not the kind where your clothes stay on. In fact, you’re pretty sure this one is going to end in a happy ending due to where his fingers are slipping. As you’re letting go, your little one walks in. He moves, and starts scratching your back lightly.
Thankfully, he’s wearing his shorts still. “Hey kiddo. Mommy was itchy so I was helping scratch her back. Do you need something?” He leads her out, and you hear the sink running as he washes his hands.
Ok, from now on you’re either getting a better lock or you’re going to become a nun. The next day, you head off to the store to look at new locks.
You’d never make it in the nunnery, who are you kidding?
As you can see, you can tell that this situation, as a whole, long situation, would probably not happen. But the excuses... some of them might work right? Maybe? Or maybe just remember to lock the door every time.
Have fun! What was your favorite excuse?